Thighs Wide Shut

Tis never too late to replace Jane Badler with Falkor’s sis as Dirty Diana in the much over-dooed V: The Second Generation mini series

Then again, Jane does have the word ‘BAD’ in her last name, as in ‘SHE BADDER THAN A BADGER LISTENING TO MICHAEL JACKSON’S BAD WHILE REENACTING THE BADDLE OF THE NETWORK STARS… in BED!!!’

Then again, neither of dem bizatches can rock the 80s AS SEEN ON TV Ambervision sunglasses like my effin DAWG/Brigitte Nielsen in B Hills Cop II liz’ovin/finger raisin in the sun of bitch, Gunther Cunningham!!!!

But it aint no is not for it will never be so cause Faye Grant is the one and only V thighs I’d like to see wide open

• More Chronic in the ’07… somewhere Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg are giving each other handjobs

• Ebert’s Best 10 Movies of 2005

• Thigh Master’s Bestest In Movies ’05… coming in early ’06!!

• Why release a second album when you’d be basically killing yer chances of being named Spin‘s Band of The Year for the years 2006 thru 2112?

• Reason #54125672887323222434235426478d3456 not to have children

• Jossip #95 and Stereochicklets #76? If the top three aint Me, Sio Bibble, and Jimmy Smits, I swear, I’ll stop reading USA Today on weekends!!! I means, who else be #1 when searching for ‘side boob’, but NOT ‘side boobs’?

• Old meets Poo at MOMI’s everlasting arcade breastlesnessmanathon… I mean, why bother with this when dere’s this? YER ALL CLEAR KID, NOW LETTUCE BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME!!!

• Shirley sure has a lot of paying to do

• OH MY FORKIN GAWD!

• Blur – ‘Daisy Bell (A Bicycle Made For Two)’ [d-lode]

• Ali G & The Porn Convention [NSFW vid via Juwanamaker]

• I may have to replace ‘Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange!!!’ with ‘Visit Where They Filmed The Intro and a Season Eight Episode of Full House!!!!’ on my list of THINGS I NEED [via Sha Na Na BOOTY]

• I heart the girl wearing the I heart Hashem tee

• A list of all the Snapple caps ‘Real Facts’ [via Don’t Shoot Til You See The Witz of Their Eyes]

• Reason #2354235728757843s42442 why Christmas kicks Hanukkah’s a$$ [via Snopes]

• WD-40 can do it all. I bet it can even cure oral herpes or coulda destroyed Stalin’s Super Ape Men Warriors if need be. And now it’s available in a pen shape! [via Use It Or Lose Its’ Computer]

• Top 5 Muffins of 2005

• I’ll pay someone 5 dollars if they tells me which of dere links on the Lynx list haven’t been updated in over three months. It’s time to do a lil house keeperin’. Note: NONUSHOTTIES.8K.COM DOESN’T COUNT

• New Zealand Finds Black Cocks Hard to Swallow [via Brawny Man]

• Oedipus YIKES! [via Pantry Pooba]

• If I’m not avail, you taco Nazi? YTMND strikes again! [beware the garble gabble gaddle flazzle shazzle kizzle hazel navel shaveyervagina]

• And cause dumb doesn’t always have to be real: Planet Fakes [NSFW]

And this post filled with useless links that probably 3 of you clicked on is so fargin icehole brillo pad brilliant that Albert Einstein came back from his vacation from Syriana a week earlier than planned to give me a diploma in geniusness of super awesome smart man thinking stuff things. So if there aint 332234556427776 comments by the day’s end, I’ll never put another NSFW link on this .org AGAIN, EVER never say EVER AGAIN NEVER EVER AGAIN NEVER. Did I mention that Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla each gave me a rusty trombone with the Dizzy Gillespie conversion? Oh, and George Washington Carver totally gave me a high five cause I found more uses for a penis than he did for a peanut!!! Oh, and before I go…

IF YOU DON’T NETFLIX THIS BEFORE YOU SEE SPIELBERGO’S MUNICH YOU EITHER CAN’R REED OR YOU SUCK OR YOU ARE AN IDJIOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO DON’T READ THIS SIGHT AND WHO DO VOTE FOR CRAPPY PRESIDENTS AND BLOGS IN THINGS ABOUT STUFF THAT AREN’T WORTH MORE THAN THE MARY WORTH OF THREE DOG NIGHT MINUS THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

watch me or choke
on yer own grundle
And oh, uh, this guy aint no Gunther Cunningham either… although he does kinda look likes him

+ Peace the fork out Borat.kz

+ Our queen makes you wet, and herself

+ Damon Albest, Thom Prenatal Yorke, Colin Firthy Rich, and others loved to get dumped on

+ A true Chrismukkah miracle: the 4thcummin return of Seth Cohen’s soul mate, Samaire Armstrong!

+ Hopefully this is the season of 24 where Chloe and Edgar make mutant alien babies like on V

+ Why haven’t you checked the children?

+ Atari, Chuck-E-Cheese, and 80s robots, a match made in bankruptcy

+ What I’ve learned from my latest Vermont trip: every radio station plays Led Zep… good thing it aint Zeptember

+ Why is the letter “E” on top of all eye charts?

+ How to do pop art portraits

+ Bid on a Wolf Parade pita setlist [via Bendy Dick]

+ The top 10 weirdest USB drives ever [via Fleaski]

+ Rocky Balboa: THE BLOG, some say scariest thing to hit the internets since those pictures surfaced on Pinky and the Brain of that dude’s b-day cake with Trent’s face on it. I’m sure Grambo won’t be gettin one of dem for his b-day!

+ Speaking of b-days, I bet Nikki is having the wurst one ever

+ Thighmaster For Your Goat

+ Matt Line Hart supposedly likes to get drunk, grope women, and get slapped. We don’t know this fo sure, but these will do…

[via The Meat Hook]

King Kong
She’s Got Jungle Fever
View Trailer

After the amazingness and box office bestness that was the Lord of the Rings holy trinity, Peter Jackson was given the bling and a ‘get out of jail free’ card for whatever his follow-up project was going to be. Like Gus van Sant, after the ‘success’ of Finding Forrester (which spankfully gave us this, which even more spankfully became this, the greatest web phenomenon of balls thyme since person X ate their balls), Jackson choose the remake path. Gussy choose poorly, as he decided to anal scrape Hitchcock’s Psycho with VINCE VAUGHN as Norman Bates (they shoulda stamped DOA on everyone’s tickets as they entered the theater), but Jacko choose wisely, and tackled a mammoth production that was right up his ass AND alley. And to his credit, Skinny Pete deftly brings Kong into the 21st century. Sure, they coulda shaved off at least 20 minutes of the jungle hunt, but what does it matter when you have a fun story, a top notch cast (Watts, taz always is tops/HOTTS, and Jack Black, but only when his mouth was closed), seamless CGI (Kong looked THUMBCREDIBLE, although anytime humans and CGI interact, it still looks awful… the Ents and Hobbits anyone?), and a lil more emotional punch than I expected. Howevs, after all is said and peter warrick dunn, it’s not better than the original. It may appear snazzier, grander, and more beautifuller, and even surpasses the OG version in some places, namely the Empire State Building throwdown (WOW!), but it’s a near impossible task to replace the magic that had already been established in 1933. Just ask the dude who made the ’76 version, who also directed Shaft In Africa! Good luck finding him though, as I’m sure he changed his name to Alan Smithee.

Recommended for those who like: the Hard Rock Cafe Paramount theater in Times Square, the inhabitants of planet Klendathu, and the French resistance team in Top Secret, although this guy aint no Chocolate Mousse

Possible Porno Name: King Shlong (for it was the tight vagina that killed the beast)

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Naomi Watts’ other tall building Ms adventure, The Shaft

Further Fun: The original was reported to be Hitler’s favorite movie. Can you guess what his favorite summertime fruit was?

Peace the fork out Routemaster Double-Decker Buses… thanks for the five glorious months you (routes 9,10,52,70) transported my American crunked arse all over Londres (the third greatest city in the world next to NYC and Rockville, MD). Howevs, you are not the greatestist bus of alls thyme. That honor blackman belongs to Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem‘s wheels of brills

• Can’t wait for the US to drink out of the World Cup!!! We may have a tough Group, but we’re gonna Ado our bestest, and shittaly all over Italy, check the Czech Republicans outta their hotels earlier than planned, and give Ghana mad ria!!!

• The trailer to Sofia Coppola’s Barry Lyndon [via Spencstastic]

• Blur bassist Alex James speaks of a new album, wigwams, and the evil dude from Beverly Hills Cop I

• What Meg White will be re-gifting in a couple o weeks

• All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz AND this 1996 NFC Pro Bowl Royal/White #58 Jessie Tuggle Throwback Jersey

We interrrrupt this blazzle to show you this sizzle

• Moldy, but still peachy: The Big Mac Simulator (be sure to click on the button)

• Who was Granny Smith?

• Mario’s Fantasy Women

• Steven Hill’s Movie Titles Screen Page

• YTMND.com, in a new NSFW collector’s edition

• The Immaculate Video Collection of Celebrity Nip Slips! [non YTMND NSFWness via DLT’s comment section]

• The Return of the Pimp Dog, Part Two

• I’m slowly turning into a Jew for Jesus. And here are the first five signs of this apocalypse now:

1) yesterday I broke my Christmas tree shopping hymen, by helping out my mos flavorite northern Vermonsters pick theirs
2) Aslan has replaced Popeyes as Lord
3) ‘Our Gawd Is An Awesome Gawd’ [d-lode] became the #1 downloaded song of all time… on my computer
4) my endless need to eat ham wrapped in pepperoni bacon with pork cheese
5) I turned my menorah into a hookah

• Pinder, the reason Jesus and Thomas Edison invented boobs (real and fake)

• And since mos of you alls have no taste in movies I knows none of yous saw the bestest mos depressingist movie about an Estonian girl directed by a Swedish guy: Lilja 4-ever. But I aint here to judge, juss to pass along the from Russian with loveliness that is Oksana Akinshina aka Оксана Акиньшина aka Tetris Master of ’97 aka possible HRT the XIIXCCXMMXCIL. She was only 15 at the time of filming, but she was more mature and more growns up than a Gheorghe Muresan growth poster (which I actually owned in college), + she looked like a less chunky, more communist version of Michelle Williams. Well I’m happy to report that not only has she reached a ripe age of plucking (amongst other ‘ing’s), and doesn’t really look like Michelle Williams anymo, but is also gaining in Red Scare hotness by the минута (that’s ‘minute’ to you effin racialist capitalist ists). Here’s to you comrade Oksana. You are so calm AND rad!! Xoxoxo on yer Kremlin dildo!!

And remember, the first rule of the Oksana Fight club is…

The Chronicles of Narnia:
The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
The Least Gory Allegory of Anno Domini
View Trailer

Not one of yous or thems or Will Demps will walk out of the theater and spray, ‘That sucked!‘ or ‘ Narnia shmarnia! ‘ or ‘ I’d be lion if I said that that was good! ‘ or ‘I liked it better when they called it GhostDad!’ , or ‘Have you met my friend, Adolf Oliver Nipples?‘ No sir ebob you won’t, you won’t. And you aint will be no eithering neithering nor doing so cause the only thing that’s missing in the first enthrallment of this bestdaptation of the cherry cherished CS Lewis novels is that Requiem For A Dream/LOTR:Two Towers song [d-lode] playing on an endless loop. It’s so worth yer $6.21 (the 2004 nat-avg) that I’m not gonna even waste your time by mincing my words wincing my mords. So, in the vains of my HellBoo and Van Helsucks revues, here’s how eye deconstruct the DNA kiss and make-up of TCoN:TLTWTW…

The things we so heart about LOTR
such ass…

silly helmets!
evil people who look like they
were pooped outta someone’s butt!
2+ hrs of a New Zealand
tourism commercial!
& of course
old scraggily white dudes wit beards!

+

P-Bride‘s
equally green pastures
lush costumes
and posh pageantry

[pic via CLICK ME]

+

Brilliant(stain Bears)
CGI

NOT CGBooed Urns
by ILucasMucas
(although Qui-Gon is the new Jesus)

+

A: Tilda Swinton
as
Imperial Majesty Jadis/
The White Witch

Q: Who is the mos wickeded
screen bitch since Faye Dunaway
handed out wire hanger abortions
in Mommie Dearest?

+

Thumbing thru
les pages of

while fingering a fish bowl of Jell-O

+

The mos British
mos cutest
looking cute British cast
of lil cute British lads and lasses about!

including, quite possibly,
the best name of the year
Skandar Keynes

+

A Christian Rock sdtrk
disguised as Enyaesque
New Age shit

which still isn’t as awesome
as ‘Our Awesome Gawd’
[d-lode, AGAIN]

+

the coolest pack
of talking animals

this side of Chuck E. Cheese’s
house band
The Pizza Time Players!

+

a fork lode more
but I is too tired to carry on!!!

Recommended for those who like: Mark Renton’s pa-pa, animal cruelty that’s almost as cruel, but not as intolerable as Intolerable Cruelty, and faux Deep Roys,

Possible Porno Name: The Cockcicles of Hornyia: Laying The Bitch On The Whoredrobe

Unsatisfied with this? Go to Church and read the Bible if this thing isn’t Jesusfied enuff for ya! [b-andre-ware the audio]

Further Fun: I never read a single word of the septilogy until 2 weeks ago. However, when I was a wee master in thighsing, and was forced into going to the ye olde public library (what’s a library?) by me mumsy, I used to stare at these magical covers for hours. Some say best mt everest, I say best mt vesuvius!!