Wolf Creek
The Outback Steakhouse Bloomin Onion Massacre
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Any horror movie can try its damndest to emulate the OG realness/grittiness/all time bestness that is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but none has ever come close to holding a Yankee candle to it. Regardless, filmmakers try and try to make the next TTCM, and there’ll always be critics qwik tell us that they are indeed, hispecially once they’ve been hailed as Sundance darlings. While some fail miserably, as in The (Jason) Blair Witch Project, some are mostly worthy of the comparison, as in Open Water, cause it was in fact, unlike Blair, based, however loosely, on actual fact (just the facts, ma’am)! And another indie darling mostly worthy of the TTCM comparison is Wolf Creek. I was none too scared, cause its the kinda horror movie that doesn’t resort to cheap tricks like something jumping outta nowhere or a door slamming real fast or like someone microwaving tunafish on Yom Kippur, but shiz was intense and I was (t)highly put on the edge of my seat by the authenticity of the characters and the sticky situation they ends up in. After Open Water, I never wanted to go SCUBAing (is that a werd?), and after Wolf Creek, I don’t ever want to venture more than 10kms inland of the Australian shores… unless of course Seppo is holding my hand, or some perhaps the hand of some fly arsed Aussie bird he knows who wants a mustache ride on the Thigh-Mizzle!!
Recommended for those who like: Crocodile Dundeeisms, the lonely dusty roads of Mad Max, and Roos shoes
Possible Porno Name: Wolfman’s Got Nards All Up On My Butt Creeks
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the only other eggsceptable horror flick of the year, which coincidentally is also ‘wolf’-related, Cry_Wolf
Further Fun: Visit Wolfe Creek Crater National Park… IF YOU DARE!!!
The Producers
Springtime For POOOOOOOOOOP!!!
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First it was a successful movie about a stage musical that was suppose to be flop, then it became a successful stage musical about a stage musical that was suppose to be a flop, and now it has become a flop of a movie musical based on the successful stage musical about a stage musical that was suppose to be a flop that was originally based on a successful movie about a stage musical flop! Confused? Probably. Entertained? I juss amused you more in less than a minute than you probably will in 134 minutes of this truly tiresome unfunny helldom that is The Producers round 3. Nation of Ulysses S Grant it, I never saw the show on B-Way, nor did I really care to, but that shouldn’t affect whether or not I leave the theater entertained (I didn’t). After viddying the pointlessness stage to screen adaptation of (low) Rent, I had no faith left or patience or regard or flazzum for the movie musical genre, but after The Producers, I would like to proclaim Rent as the Citizen Kane (maybe more like Citizen Ruth) of movie musicals this year. First off, they are having more fun on screen than we are offscreen. Secondly, Ferris Bueller is a joke of an actor. Toss out his work in Election, War Games, and Glory and all yer left with is the guy who somehow can live with the fact that he fornicates with horseface. Terdly off, Uma Thurman (who kinda looks like Cillian Murphy in drag) and Will Ferrell don’t belong in this movie. Both blow goats uglier than Ferris’ food stamps version of Sloane Peterson. NO MORE MEAN STUFF, so nows I’ll give praise where praise is due:
1) Nathan Lane is brills as Zero Mostel who was brills as Max Bialystock
2) the gay shit is funny
3) girls in pearls are the new girls in the workplace!
But tsk tsk on the rest rest. They shoulda worked more on their Bloom if they wanted less boo.
Recommended for those who like: Richard Kind cameos, David St. Hubbins cameos, and a cameo of the soon to be closing McHale’s (another sign the terrorists have won)
Possible Porno Name: The Faux-Douchers
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix some other Mel Brooks related blah, like Dracula: Dead And Loving It
Further Fun: On Desperate Housewhores Marcia Cross plays Bree Van De Kamp, her highly mannish neighbor Felicity Huffman plays transsexual Bree Osbourne in Transamerica, and her psycho, now deceased paramour/pharmacist Roger Bart plays the flaming gay lover of the flaming gay stage director Roger De Bris (pro-noun-sist ‘bree’) in The Producers. No word on if this ‘further fun’ is cheesier than brie cheese.
Merry effin Jew Year you bleedin capitalist infidels!!
Until the ’06, Thighs Wide Shut is SHUT!!
13. Jan, 2006 
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