Thighs Wide Shut

Biggest event in the world or not, no game should be decided on penalty kicks, unless Scott Norwood is somehow involved

[Zenic | Grappy | YTMND/Ajamu Stoner Fan #1]

+ Zidane, The Head Butting GAME!
+ many mo Zidane head butt animated gifs (from the Gawds)
+ World Cup Switched At Birth (the Bruce Arena one is klassic)
+ Rooney or Goonie?

see you in the Orange Free State/Transvaal in 2010

Akeelah and the Bee
Spell On Earth
Trailers

Outta all the modern spelling movies I’ve seen (Spellbound/On Your Knees Season) and filmed entertainments involving the Spelling clan, letter for letter, Akeelah is the grand prize trophy winner of them all, in my mind, and mos importantly, in my heart. Sure, the outcome is a tad predictable (I mean, isn’t a child gunning down all over her classmates with an uzi so passé these days?), but the journey that Akeelah takes from reluctant speller to outright queen of the alphabet had me at ‘can I have the word’s origin, please?‘ I’m a sucker, of and for many things (like large cock lollipops), but hispecially for franztastic heartwarming stories about overcoming odds in the least likely of places. There is not one negative thing I could say about this, cept I was crying so dang much, that I think I lost most of my street cred that day. Everyone involved is the knees forkin BEEs, from our lil hero-ette Akeelah (Keke Palmer), to her feisty mentor (Laurence Fishburne, sportin a killah beard, yo!), to her widowed mother (Angela Bassett), to her rival’s asshole father (Jack Bauer’s wurst nightmare), to even her pal of princes principal, played by the one and only Booger, who’s single-handedly having one the bestest, mos quietest career resurrections since Jesus Christ joined the Steppenwolf Theater Co. ABCee this now!!! You won’t be disappointed. Trust me, or e-a-t s-h-i-t a-n-d d-i-e!!

Recommended for those who like: Crabman, Scrabble (or even Yahoo!’s ghetro version Literati), and movies funded by overpriced disgusting coffee

Possible Porno Name: Akili Smith and Deez Nuts On His Tonsils

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Stand And Deliver [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘No Rain’ by Blind Melon [d] cause of the bee girl in their vid

IMDb Sweeney: Todd Wagner, Mark Cuban‘s producing partner, makes his acting debut here as the Regional Bee assistant judge. And cause I know you wanna know, Mark Cuban has appeared in 2 movies, and THREE episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): do I have to SPELL it out for you? Breast In Show, yo!

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Troop Beverly Hiller and flossibly future HRT longshot, Jenny Lewis is da Jewish (and apparently Jack Black is too), and she once was lucky enuff to be photographed with the kid from Charles In Charge

There’s only one place big enuff to hold the first annual Parents’ Day (the Master’s family’s brand spankin new holiday that combines Ma AND Pa Day… take that HALLMARK!) crab feast with the option for OTB madness: Urbana MD’s Cracked Claw. And if yer not feeling crabby, I thighly recommend the fried chicken. Some might say that it rivals that of Gus’s of Memphis of Tennesseeessee

There is no longer anyone on earth named Ironhead Heyward

Brickhouse Brotherinlaw Made of Braunstein is currently the 34th bestest eater in the WORLD. I’m 51st, or something

Happarently bowling alleys are the latest craze for Bar Mitzvah parties. But do they still play ‘We Are Family’ and ‘Celebration’?

Before Brian Burton was DJ Danger Mouse, aka the Messiah, he was Pelican City, and you can here some of that werk hear

RFK used to be heaven. Now it’s like the dirtiest stripper pole at the Gaza Strip Club. I hope the Nats never leave

Spanks to Comedy Central’s uncensored broadcast thingie, I have come to realize that Coming To America is not only one of the finest American comedies of the past 20 years, but also the mos underrated romantic comedy since underrated comedies were invented by Thomas Edison. I mean, it was NOMINATED for 2 ACADEMY AWARDS (costumes and make-up, DUHVS!) AND had the one of del single greatestist in-jokes/cameoes mt EVERest, featuring the Duke brothers, Randolph & Mortimer. And Arsenio was hella bestest. What the fork happened to him? He was once on top of the werld, and ended up living on a couch, calling everyone collect. He needs a new agent or a new set of thighs cause he’s a diamond in the ruff ready to be reshined like what happened to John Travolta, cept it’s time for JTrav to go away again cause his head’s too big, not in an egotistical way, but like a fat head kinda way. Anycheezitz, czech out some luminaries who appeared on AHall’s show: Radiohead, MC Hammer, Madonna & Anthony Kedis, Young MC, Johnny Depp and Tim Buton, Paula Abdul, and plenty mo where that spank from

If you take only one NYC<-->DC $40 round-trip Hasidic bus service, make it Vamoose. They so Kosher, they don’t even roll on Shabbos

My boy Joey Tata (not the one yer thinkin of) hates Aruba. Maybe it’s cause of the missing girl, but I think he’s still bitter about Sidney Ponson leaving the O’s, or the fact that I’m going there in less than 3 weeks

Mountain Dew remains the finest soda in the fountain format

The GeeBees are as sick of ‘Crazy’ as Crazy Eddie is sick

Real blunt smokers don’t use Phillys anymo, the use Blunt Wraps… er, um, uh, ah, eh, em, or so I’m told!

Jack White’s current band derived it’s name from Mike Wallace’s werds. Hopefully scientisitsas will derive something from his hair

The new Spin magazine is a lot like the old Q magazine. I should juss shut up and be happy about dat, hispecially since Ultralustiness hath returned, but I wish the new Q was more like the old, and that Rolling Stone Snoozerag called it a day, or at least for Peter Travers did, who knows less about movies than David Brenner knows about comedy

Easiest time to get a table at Houston’s is as soon as they open. And even though they aren’t on the menu, try and ask if they serve their succulent chicken fingers. They on a secret menu that rivals In-N-Out’s, although their secret menu is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard of and anyone who knows anything about inhaling hamburgers still knows Fatburger is still king, still. So who wants to drive me to Nyack or Jersey Cit?

Brutalism is the coolio-ist monikered movement about ugly buildings of balls thyme

Donnie Darko may be pluggin Luke & Leia’s mum… so if they ever breed, will a robot blurp during birth, ‘Ooooba, oooba, it’s a BOY!‘

Sony® h.ear Sports Headphones are probsbillys the best 999 pennies one can spend at Radio Shack

The home of my mos flavorite pesto-sauced Italian cold cut, Vignola’s, is bosed for cusiness

Why we say ‘pair of pants’

Lily Allen (the newly added T In The Parker) sweats as much as me…

or at least as much as fat people do wheneth they rockin out with Richard Simmons (but not a robotic one)

and Moaning Season can never cum soon enuff

Leon spinks I forgot all about our current and mos luscious jackson of Her Royal Thighnesseses, Camilla Who Rungeth Ma Albert’s Liberty Taco Belle? I didn’t, but you did, you JERKS and JERKETTES! Well, she got into a bit o trouble a few months back and had waz forced to go all underground hiding and shit thru Thighland’s Jehovah Witness Relocation Program. They totally made her ditch her identity and loosen her panties and made her up to look like the Baroness, for her own security, and for my own sick perverted animated porn fantasies with the first lady of Cobra

But she’s back-tion like Action Jackson (if they ever went all sequel on us and stuff), and been busier and bustier than ever, with my doctor ordered 18 daily HJs, tossing out all the bananas from our bags of Runts, and the mos daunting task of dem all, taking Sio Jr and Edgar Jr to Hebrew school. You can’t imagine how much of my DNA dem kids gots. I never wanted to go either, and I complained so much to my rents that they took me out.

Two things that should be important, but really isnaren’t: Bonds on Babe and Marissa Coop flying the coop

Two things no one ever wanted to see together: Cuthbert AND rape

60 minutes well spent that you probsbbsbsly spent elsewhere, like watching crap on CrapTV: 60 Minutes‘s 60 minutes of nuttin but Mike Wallace. I doubt it’ll be this grand when Morley Safer calls it quits

Paris Hilton has delayed the release of her debut album because she wants to include a cover of Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy [Menyinc] If we count our lucky starz, maybe she’ll delay it even more than more and cover ‘Ebony and Ivory’ with Perez! Can you say Apocalypse 91 now?

¿¿¿Tommy Hilfiger pummeled Axl Rose??? What? Did Hilf throw Buckethead’s bucket over W Rose’s head, at Rosario’s b-day shabang?

EW operation dumbo dropped The 25 Best Music Websites in their shlumble opinion. I think they’re a bunch of effin carnivores, cause how else could they explain the omission of the single bestest music site on the interwebs/nets/netwebs, Brooklyn Vegan. Bastages!! I bet if they did a Top 25 Thigh-Related sites thingamajig, we wouldn’t even make the top million billion

Flyest semi-undiscovered singer I last mentioned in Rocktober of ’04 but wanted to bring to yer attention 1nce again cause I came all over across her myspace page and she’s still mad fly and I’m totally headICKted to her knees’ beesish song ‘Here With You’: Marie’ Digby

Sites that juss went live, that aren’t really lively: CWTelly, Casino Royal, and Lily Allen

Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair [Mini Soda Vikings]

The royal tongue

Dirk Loves Hasselhoff

Don Knotts, Richard Pryor Team Up For Madcap Haunting

When THEY were young, which should not be confused with the long lost Great Outdoorer Chris Young

Carnie Wilson, preggers or inhaling bacon again?

Rita Wilson, for those of you with an appreciation…

Duncan aint gots nuttin on this Hinds

Covers will tear us apart

We refuse to link to 10 Things I Hate About Commandments… I’ve had funnier pimples on my a$$. I’ve also had your mother, but only I found that funny

Is it possible to make love to all of des vintage NFL posters? Or would poking a hole for my shlong ruin their value? I dunno, someone call Beckett

The ONLY Chuck Norris animated gif you need to see today [My Man Marv]

The ONLY NSFW animated gif you need to see today

Nipple sucking [NSFW]

Really Bad Tattoos Pts 1, 2, & 3

Ear Wax Candy

ZOOperstars! [Poon]

Waffle House, please take
note

70,000 Beer Cans Found in Ogden Townhouse [DataQue?]

Northwestern Women’s Soccer Team Initiation Includes Pictures of Bondage, Lap Dances, and Simulated Sex Acts [You Sonkin My Battleship]

Ronald hunts McFly, YTMD staz

What’s for dinner?

And from the music video annals of my middle schoolish anus:

ABC’s ‘Iesha’
+
Technotronic’s ‘Get Up’
Roxette’s ‘The Look’ + [d]
Young MC’s ‘Bust A Move’ + [d]
Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch’s ‘Good Vibrations’ + [d]
Peter Gabriel’s ‘Steam’
The Proclaimers’ ‘500 Miles’ + [d]
RHCP’s ‘Under The Bridge’ + [d]
Gerardo’s ‘Rico Suave’ + [d]
Tony! Toni! Tone!’s ‘Feels Good’
Black Crowes’ ‘Hard to Handle’ + [d]
Sir Mix A Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’ + [d]
Edie Brickell And The New Bohemian’s ‘What I Am’ + [d]
Billy Idol’s ‘Cradle of Love’
Beastie Boys’ ‘So What’cha Want’ + [d]
Alannah Myles’ ‘Black Velvet’ [d]
Soul II Soul’s ‘Back to Life’ + [d]
Fine Young Cannibals’ ‘She Drives me Crazy’ + [d]
Stereo MCs’ ‘Connected’
any Guns N’ Roses, but in pardick, ‘Garden Of Eden’ + [d]
Boyz II Men’s ‘Motownphilly’
The Belle Stars’ ‘Iko Iko’ + [d]
Cathy Dennis’ ‘Touch Me (All Night Long)’
Lucas’ ‘Lucas With The Lid Off’
U2’s ‘Mysterious Ways’ + [d]
Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ + [d]
(her boobs single handedly got me thru all of 1992,
pun and no pun intended)
Londonbeat’s ‘I’ve Been Thinking About You’
Ice T’s ‘New Jack Hustler’
Go West’s ‘King of Wishful Thinking’
Martika’s ‘Toy Soldiers’ + [d]
MC Hammer’s ‘Too Legit To Quit’
REM’s ‘Losing My Religion’ + [d]
Michael Penn’s ‘No Myth’ + [d]
Kris Kross’s ‘Jump’ + [d]
Utah Saints feat Kate Bush ‘Something Good’ + [d]
House of Pain’s ‘Jump Around’ + [d]
PM Dawn’s ‘Set Adrift On Memory Bliss’
Dee-Lite’s ‘Groove is in the Heart’ + [d]
Biz Markie’s ‘Just a Friend’ + [d]
The Traveling Wilburys’ ‘End of the Line’
Ice Cube’s ‘Wicked’
C&C Music Factory + F’dom Williams’ ‘Gonna Make You Sweat’ + [d]
Anthrax & Public Enemy ‘Bring the Noise’
TMBG’s ‘Birdhouse In Your Soul’ + [d]
Cypress Hill’s ‘Hand On The Pump’ + [d]
Nelson’s ‘(Can’t Live Without Your) Love And Affection’
Big Audio Dynamite’s ‘Rush’
Wilson Philips’s ‘Hold On’
Partners In Kryme’s ‘Turtle Power’ + [d]
Catherine Wheel’s ‘Black Metallic’ +[d]
Suzanne Vega’s ‘Tom’s Diner’ + [d]
The KLF’s ‘3am Eternal’ + [d]
Bel Biv DeVoe’s ‘Do Me’ & ‘Poison’ [d]
Pearl Jam’s ‘Porch (Unplugged)’ + [d]
and cause I can never get enuff of it
Snap!’s ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’ [d, again]

I’m sure I’ve missed some, but I’m only human and I have to sleep at some point, hispecially with some French Open and crab eating in my near future. What bout you’alls? What was up yer anus during yer middle schoolish daze, when we didn’t have good taste in music, we hung on Adam Curry‘s every word and cassingles were the Bar Mitzvah DJ’s giveaway of choice?

‘Stop The Madness‘

the 80s anti-drug music video starring New Edition, LaToya Jackson, (a very young) Whitney Houston, Nancy Reagan, David Hasselhoff, Kim Fields, Herb Alpert, Casey Kasem, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and many others. With special guest appearance by Boogaloo Shrimp from Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo [Popbitch]

‘Electric Avenue’ by Eddy Grant [d]

Full Metal Jacket gets the honor of being the first Kubrick title released on HD-DVD. For those of yous dying to see Private Pyle blow his head off in the highest possible resolution

Unitarian Universalism shirts

Avoision Pro

Hello Kitty Toaster aint no HK-Dildo

Choose yer own ‘What Is Love’, but no love for the Coz?

Body floss [NSFW]