Thighs Wide Shut

The greatest sorority known to man, Catherine Omega-Mu-Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur, and I hath so much in common. We both are T-Mobile whores, we both can do this with our a$$es, and we both love fellow Welshie and current Her Royal Thighness the BREASTEST, Charly Church. Zeta-Tomata hearts her so much that she’s eager to enlist her in her directorial debut of Dylan Thomas’ Under Milk Wood, which was first brought to screen back in 72. Des problem is that she’s so dang worried that leaving for LA LA land will hurt her relationship with current beau and rugby hunk Gavin Henson. Did I mention that I changed my named to Gavin and no one could touch me at Sega Genesis’ Rugby World Cup 95? I say go for it CC the IV!! Hollywurst needs more large breastest Welsh beauties. Just stay away from Michael Douglas, and Louis Farrakhan, who’s speaking at you.

• Faux-gayers t.A.T.u. will be faux-gaying it up at the UK Club G-A-Y this Saturdgay. That’s more gay that sipping Earl Gay Tea with yer pinky sticking out.

• Although she’s now #2321183thrdieth in my heart, Showerpoopa troopa has regained the #1 ranking in tennis. TALK ABOUT REBOUNDIN’!!

• In balls related news: “I love baseballs, do you love the baseballs?“

• In more Borat related news: the following bestness was released in stores yesterday. Gobble gizzile it up peeps… although I’m going the cheap route and waiting for it to match the price I set using Half.com‘s blesseded Wish List

• Back to more hairy balls situation news: Patrick Ramsey should start auctioning off his pubes on eBay cause Brunell will be named Comeback Player of the Year after the Skins go 16-0.

• In one last ball related things: I don’t know jack scalia about Tim McGraw, but his Monday Night Football halftime highlight recap country rhyme-e-shiz was the biggest lode of crap I’ve seen since this

• Andy Rooney may hates a lot of things, but the ‘browmiester surely hearts New Orleans

• SNL needs to stop adding ‘new faces‘ and needs to starts adding ‘new writers’. Or at least send Horatio Sanz packing… on Horatio Hornblower’s first ship outttttttta here

• Is it deja vu or deja boo that the day I lament briefly about Can’t Buy Me Lover Amanda Peterson (but more so about Ami DoleHOTfRUITenz) that someone goes and wonders the same dang thing? I dunno, but in Ami Dolenzerzz related stizz, I want to invent a machine that turns me into Jerry Trimble

• Lynch poo-poos any new Twin Peaks woo-whoness

• I knew Steven Loserbergh was well on his way to killing cinema (ever see Full Frontal? good, so DON’T), but this whole releasing a movie in theaters, DVD, and TV on the SAME DAY is wurstest call since Neville Chamberlain was elected Prime Minister. Peace in our time my a$$!!

• Kubie giving Jack the nod as Napoleon woulda been DYNO-MITE!

• I love Supergrass’ new ditty St Petersburg [video]. I also love that Gaz Combes and Jack Black look sorta similar with beards. And oh, I LOVE mustaches!!

• Pete Tong spankfully returns with a 2-Disc Essential Selection set soon. Trackilisting here

• One of the mos whocares editions of Then & Now

• Jeopardy! contestant searches are headed for LA (DUHVS), NYC, Tampa, Seattle, and Vancouver. Signs up here

• Clear yer calendars cause the Harlem Globetrotters are invading East Rutherford in February. A wise man once wrote, ‘When life hands you Meadowlark Lemon, make Meadowlark Lemonade‘

• Rachel McAdams High School Yearbook Photo… I bet her snap was probably the 6th mos beatoffedable one from that yearbook

• Are Renton, Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy, and Begbie’s ashes really disrupting train service?

• A.C. Slater DOES Rule [via Steve Bartman Hater #6]

• Thighs Wide Open? [sorta SFW]

• Here lies the very first TWS.org Katrina-related link, and it’s amusing, not sad [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Troy’s Mixtape of Love [via Richie Richardson Loves Rice]

• And me have done some serious thinking as of late. Although I am a self-appointed ruler for life, I doubt that I’ll be able to be a Thigh Master for your kids’ kids, so I’ve decided to take on a Padawan. Sio Bibble knows that this could mean only one thing: INVASION!!

After losing my snoop joppy job on Friday I wished I could’ve had Scotty beam me to the 4th Annual Lebowski Fest in Louisville, KY this past weekend. But alas, Scotty had to go and czech out on us and thus leave this year’s fetives rather Thigh-Less. Apparently the show went on without me and the boys as there were plenty of other characters abound like the suspect usuals, camel jockeys, the Folger’s can carrying Donnie’s remains, the JO book, and the best of them all, the white Russian. The only positive thing I can think to say about my absence is that this toe was spared my harassment and constant attempts to try to lick and bloody her crotch region more than it already was.

• Speaking of hot, yet inappropriate things, The Smoking Gun dug up some 1977 testimony from Roman Polanski 13-year old rape victim, Samantha Gailey. Sure, Roman is a pedicured pedophile times pi R squared, but isn’t a 13-year old girl who previously had had sex twice before, tried Quaaludes, and refers to oral sex on a girl as ‘cuddliness’ a bit of the mark as well? Plus she spoke out in his defense before his PenisPianist would take home a bunch of ’03 Oscar gold. By the lame, how the forkspoons did Chicago beat Piani AND LOTR: The Two Towers for Best Pic? Well, I guess I can still be happy that Gangs of New York shit the bed that night.

• Sprekenze hot, yet no longer inappropriate things, everyone’s flavorite (Disclaimer: everyone = me + Her Royal Russian The III) faux-lesbo Russian wet dream team, t.A.T.u. are going to drop their long awaited 2nd album Dangerous and Moving on the 18th of Rocktober.

• Spankinze of people no longer with cash, you can get Horshack, Mr Belding, Otho from Beetlejuice, and many more F-listers to call one of your loved ones or enemies, thru the genius Hollywood Is Calling [via Double Liking]

• (belated) Peace the fork out of your TV Dinner

• The people have spoken this past weekend with their ticket buying power and say no way Michael Bay. And I was juss starting to think Americans had no taste. Then again, a Vince Vaughn vehicle has already netted 80.9 mils in only two weeks of work. By the not michael bay, forget to mention in our review, big ups to Tim Burton for throwing a couple o’ Kubrick props in The Choco Factory.

• The me hath spoken when I say that last nite’s Six Feet was wUnderful (almost time for Nate to show Hedwig/Fraggle/Mary Gross/Brenda the door!), and Entourage remains one the most over-hyped pieces of junk that’s somehow totally watchable. But if they leep puttin Mandy Moore on the show, I may have to declare it the best series since Twin Peaks.

• Have you peepened the V For Vendetta trailer? Screw Kong cause V is for VAWESOME!!! And if V lived somewhere it would be VAWESOME’S CREEK!!

• Patchouli heads west for Halloween [via Bill]

• ESPN & Ben Widdicombe don’t know shit from Sharapova [see 2nd item down]

• NY Times give some times to Sacha Baron Cohen

• My visual idea of Heaven: the Fiery Furnaces pose in front of The Cyclone

• Repeat: Rooney, out of his league

• Name sure to be missing from many a Fantasy Football drafts: Adimchinobe Echemandu [via Wannamaker]

• Eight Men Out trading cards

• Too Brian Pepperishly gross to be real [via The Zach Attack]

• Appy polly loges, but had to drop a 2nd TSG link cause they always have the A1 mug shots: Goldsmeller

• Ackbar strikes again

• I was this close to plastering this HOT PIC OF A GIRL STICKING CORN UP HER WHOOTANANNY all up on this site so you’d get canned from your jobs too, but decided to play it safe with the following pic, which came from this greatness collection of strange 70s ABBAesque boy bands. [via Made of Brawny and Richard the Richie]

• Admit it, you don’t watch Jeopardy! and therefore probably never gots the pleasure of seeing my dearest Pammy Pam Mueller on the telle, right? Well, you can make up for your lack of vision by tom peeping this lil mini web interview thingie they did with her back in the ’01. Maybe NOW you can get a sense of why I was once bitten, and forever smittened. By the gay, I think I fingered out my reasoning for my seasoning/why I digs her so dang much: she has the same EGGSzact ‘do that Dana Delany/McMurphy sported on China Beach aka China BEST! I was all of 11 when the show first aired, but I think that was the very first time I had a hu-mungo crush on an older woman, on a weekly basis, and was quite vocal about it. I was so wrapped up into the whole thang that even I made my mom buy me a China Beach sweatshirt from a kiosk at Montgomery Mall (the same mall which was once used as a setting in the 80s shit pic Prime Risk, and is now home to a stab happy woman). Oh Dana (who was once stalked by Corky), how I hearted you so. I much wanted to rip that green uni off with my teeth and take you right then and there on that gurney. My member would be your IV, pumping vital fluids all up into your ailing organs. Somebody lock me up for my own good, STAT!!!

• And in sorta-related links, czech out Tourney of Champ champ Brad’s mini-int, when he looked like a fat Ben Affleck, and this other pic of him that makes him look like a big winner!

• Ready or not, here they come! I guess there are now plenty of mics for the too many MCs. Hopefully they will stay permanent one and not return to number ten. While I wait, you can find me in my Mitsubishi, eatin’ sushi, bumpin’ Fugees. Oooh La La La. I love it when you touch my Tra La La.

• Lohag the Elder off to Prisonville

• And while Daddy tries to avoid dropping the soapy-soap, lil Lohag is considering starring in a remake of this gas passer.

• Peace the pitchfork out Eddie Albert! May I be the 12891849053rd person to wish you well on your way to GREENer pastures.

• Indy 4’s script FRYnally gets the OK from Baron Papanoida & Senor Spielbergo.

• Bad Idea Jeans #37622: The Griswalds Down Under!

• The Stones will be supported by BECK (!) on a bunch o’ Canadiananian stops this fall! Lucky mothercanuckers! Then again, they didn’t have hockey all last year, so we gotta throw em some bones. (Editor’s Note: Canada is easy to make fun of, but I love all Candandnadians)

• Trey’s Zooma tour cancelled! Finally, the beginning of the end of patchouli smellin’ neo-hippie sub-culture! Unless of course someone spends a fortune on a motor home last owned by Trey Anastasmellio. Now if only the Dave Matthews Band were dumped into a river and instead of their dumps! [eBayness via Andre Dawson Fan #1]

• The Warshington Po qwikly looks back on 25 9:30 Club years!

• Anakin Skywalker/Lord Darth Vader, In Pictures 1977 to Present [OMforkinG!]

• I really likes me some Fischerspooner. Their latest odyssey was miles and away better than Daft Punk & the Chem Bros’ efforts this year. Peep the video for ‘Never Win’ [Win or Real or QwikThyme]

• Remember the band Grandaddy (I only said ‘band’ so people not in the know don’t think I was talking about Grampa Joe)? Well, here’s a bunch of tasty live mp3ers. Or maybe u’d prefer some live or regular Dios Malos, who are sort of Grandaddyesque, and sure have one of the hottiest internets sites around!

• And while were sorta not on the topic, I agree that W Dafoe would have made a great WW

• Anton Corbijn, Stephane Sednaoui, Jonathan Glazer, and Mark Romanek join the ranks of Michel Gondry, Spike Jonze, and Chris Cunningham on the egggsalad Directors Label DVD series.

• Da Da Vinci crew make another fine choice. So when are they going to replace Tom Hanks with Harrison Ford?

• Don’t trust a virgin and a poll

• Alfie to star in Alfie the II’s wedding starring Alfie the II’s on-screen and off screen flame. Got it?

• Did you know Ebert gave 4 starts to the Karate Kid, even though he thought it was going to be ‘an adventure pitting Ricky Schroder against the Megaloth Man‘? Whatever the fork that means!

• This guy is my new hero. When I grow up, I want to be juss like him! Pee es – why are American concert tickets (read: Ticketbastard’s) so booooooooooring, just like our cash currency?

• This guy is as gay as Gaylord Perry

• It’s official, Jake Jill loves bubble/testicle tea!

• Ever wonder what my bedroom looks like? Click away [NSFW]

• Free screenings in several major cities for Hilary Duff’s next big stank bomb

• Well then spank gawd that mumsy’s daddy had a lot of freakin hair!

• TV mini-series I forkin wish were DVD bound: the Twin Peaksish Wild Palms & the place I first heard Pet Shop Boys’ thumcredible ‘Opportunities (Let’s Make Lots Of Money)’, The Billionaire Boys Club.

A bunch of useless TWS stuff:

• Here are some enter-resting reviews of TWS. Sure I may be a ‘pig’, but I’m too busy looking listening to what Raindrop has to say!

• Could this be considered a Thighs Wide Yearkbook?

• No one’s erecting cakes with my thighkness, but at least someone loves us (see honorable mentions for ‘website of the year’).

• ThighsWideShut.com, still the biggest waste in cybersquatting history.

And back to the shit shinola:

• The reason the interwebs was NOT invented: two dudes karaokeing to hit songs, but change the lyrics to ‘All Your Base Are Belong To Us‘

• Is the person responsible for this trying to overtake me as wurstest Photoshopper of the world? [Axis of Ebert]

• How Did They Get That Name? Game

• Sock Master’s Game Console Controller Family Tree [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Jean-Claude Van DANCE, the animated gif [via SickTracks via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Who knew there was a WHOLE world of You’reTheManNowDog out there??! I started too see the light once ‘The United States of NOOOOOOOO‘ came about [download the song]. And now I’m lovin it all like my name was Morgan Spurlock: Mike Tyson Punchout one [NSFW], Vader’s No dance, Vader learns the birds & bees, United States of Kimble, Batman the model, this Pee-Wee one, they found Carmen Sandiego, Transformer rave, Mortal Kaaaaaaahnbat (+ this other Kaaahn one), and Conan makes popcorn!

• And while Rooney was waxin about Memorial Day, I was dreaming of attending the New Zellwood Sweet Corn Festival this past weekend [via Magnolia Bread Head]. I also did a bunch of other lo-key stuff (bowling, muse-zams, Yankees/SOX game, movies galore, masturbate), and doves course rooted for my Tetris-loving lovey, Sharapova, as she continued her clay conquering ways @ Ban Roll-on Garros. Anywho, along my travels on the nets, I came across what is probably one the greatest pictures ever taken of her, and deer-4, the greatest in the history of tennis…

• Although not as magnificent as Twin Peaks was after season one (& sadly often compared to), Desperate H-wives wrapped up round 1 in about as high fashion and class as it started with. And to tell the truth, the hotnessies left for us to mull over during our summer vacay’s are far more interesting than the ones the OC dropped on us last week. Don’t spank me wrong, I’d can’t wait to see Mischa bend over for the soap in jail and becoming the Andy Dufresne for a whole new generation, but that juss doesn’t compare to Zack/Dana/Pothead’s looneybinness, RFK’s second meeting with death, and the unsolved reasoning behind Carlos being all ‘crotch-mouthed’ (genius term dreamt up by Michelle on Tvgasm). Soon I may replace ‘is it football season yet?’ with ‘is it Marcia Cross season yet? [last semi-NSFW]

• Spice Girls To Reform?!?!?!?!!!! I mean, this isn’t as big as Gang of Four (whomever the fork they are) getting back together, but this begs the question, when will Our Gang reunite?

• Kate Boosworth could have been Katie Holmes?!?!?

• Stream the new Stripes & watch their new video

• Yabba dabba later

• Antonio Banderas to play Dali. Interesting choice, but maybe he would’ve been a better choice to play van Dyke.

• Gavrilo Princip woulda had such an easier time assassinating Franz Ferdinand had he know about dem peanuts. But it’ll take a lot more than an allergic reaction to Arachis hypogaea to keep the Archdukes from Live Aid, now called Live 8.

• Is this guy the second choicen one?

• Motley Crue vs Duran²

• Time Magazine, you know, the authority on all things film, have unleashed their list of the All-Time Top 100 Movies. They sloboviously cant be trusted if A Clockwork Orange, Cloak & Dagger AND Escape From The Planets of the Apes were all omitted.

A now for a bunch of blog related blog stuff…

• I don’t really know what all this fazzle with Blogebrity is, but apparently I’m only good enuff to be a B-List Blogebrity. Are you forking kidding me? I mean, this alone is worthy of A-Listedness! At least they don’t know my real identity. And until the day I get elevated to A-List status, Blogebrity will be a B-List Cewebrity.

• Nike iD enlists the help of the blogerati to design shoes/whore out their products. So who’s kicks have the most kick? And how am I too choose between Stereo’s, Pradashoppe’s, Aeki’s, Melody’s, Coolfie’s, & Leafblower’s? And out of all dem beautiful peeps, which one eats the most boxes of Kix? And when will Adidas let me design their shoes? Is it cause I want to make the first sneaker made from corn?

• Only the combo of me, Trey Atwood, and my man boobs could make Pink go red!

• GoldenFiddle.com, don’t call it a come back. Cause it’s a be back.

• TWS, yer 5th 4th result when searching for all things ‘Pam Mueller’

• And BritPoppa apparently discovers the Who’s Quadrophenia font.

Back to yer regularly scheduled crap on a stick…

• Tom Cruise to direct Steve Spielberg in a movie about a Russian immigrant?

• Every time I read about her, I juss can’t get the image of Penelope Ann Miller out of my head.

• Mr Cliff Engle lives, but not of 80s NFL sweater fame. The search continues for the real man behind the cloth of the gawds.

• Rooney babble ons about ashtrays, matches, and cigarette holders. And apparently, if you smoke, yer more likely to be an idiot.

• Why are soap operas called “soap operas”?

• Twin Bobbleheads

• Speakers on &: Nooooooooooooooooooo! Which comes a close 2nd to YTMND in my heart. [via Leader of the Pak Man]

• Be the only earthling to own 6 Freezer Freakies Beanies

• I take it all back, there is one sport in the summertime that I actually like to watch: Women moaning in tight clothing whilst smacking balls. Hispecially womenez who are in a hurry, that be curvy, and that make the BlogFather’s pants all filled with slurry.

• What, you thought I didn’t go to Coachella? SUCKERS!!!! You fell for the largest post-April Fool’s Day prank since John Kerry was announced as the Democratic Presidential nominee. I was indeed in the hiz-area, but was too busy to attend the actual show cause I spent my time more wisely: maxin’ n’ butt waxin’ round a pool, big gulping frozen margaritas with the blogerati, but mos def importantly, cold hard chillin in a kitchen with my girl Ultrahottie, rockin out in our bikinis and ODing on 21455850032317758 ears of corn on the cob. Some say best Coachella ever. I mean, I had the corn poopies for over 10 days!!

• Live Aid II a go in July? U2, Coldplay, Paul Mc, Oasis, Madonna, Robbie Williams, and Scissor Sisters rumored for the UK part of it and Eminem and The Red Hots in DC! Hopefully that shiz coincides with Sister Thigh Master’s wedding weekend over the 4th.

• Nicole Wants Bigger Boobs

• Dynamic duo Ricky G & Stephen Merchant (who looks like a semi-British version of Peabs, but boviously not as effin beautiful) are returning to their radio roots.

• I didn’t realize that Rachel Bilson and I both shared a dark secret: we were both Subway Sandwich Artists.

• On first listen, it’s awful. But Damon Albarn’s latest is full of buried treasure, says Alexis Petridis. Sorry if you missed the download, cause shiz is HOT!

• Wondering what the helga been going on in with the David Lynch mob? His next joint will be called Inland Empire and stars Laura Dern, Justin Theroux, Harry Dean Stanton, Jeremy Irons and a host of others. YUM. Now for the BUMmer… according to Dugpa.com, Paramount will be pushing back the DVD release of Twin Peaks Season 2 on DVD to Spring 2006. Boourns and 83/37ths!

• El Muerto? More like La Basura (that’s ‘the trash’ for u taco hatersz)!!!

And the man with all the hot links these days, Richie Richard the Lionfarted, drops three beauties on my lap…

• Doctors: Vaginal Cream May Be Harmful For Face

• Six Perfect Sideburns in Five Minutes!

• And in loving memory of Caleb, TV’s mos flavorite arseface, everyone get all crunked up this tweakend and GO bananas !

SUPER BONUS LINK: Finally, one that doesn’t make me want to throw up… Sophie Marceau Boob Slip!!!!