Thighs Wide Shut

– The National Enquirer are friggin geniusesses. Not cause they have the scoop on Calista Flockhart returning to her home planet of Lipsezzes, but cause last week they beat me to the punch on a headline I could of used on this site (see right, below her feet). [via DJ Southern Fried Rebel]

– Speaking of Ms Thang, Lohan and Mark Ruffles Potato Chips were honored at the Diversity Awards. How could the Double L win one of these thangs when the Awards ‘celebrate diverse achievements in film and television‘? Do you think playing a buxom high school teenager in 4 movies is diverse? Watch yer merry lil steps Meryl Streep!!!

– Britney calls it a day… for now. Possible future replacements as the sluttiest person in entertainment: Jamie Lynn Spears, Dakota Fanning, Charlotte Church, Inconsiderate Cellphone Man, and ROB from Gyromite.

– Playboy is hot to get ye olde hottie Susan Sarandon undressed. My left hand and Jergens® are too!!

– ESPN released their pre-season College B-ball Top 25 Rankings. Da ACC (the greatistist of em all) occupies 6 of dem spots. And since me beloveded Twerps are ranked #10, as usual they’ll probably lose a few or their early games, drop out of the Top 25, beat some highly ranked squads, make the tourney, only to lose in the second round. CAN’T F-IN WAIT!!

– Bush’s thought process EGGSPLAINED!! Read this shiz and tell me you still want to vote for this Commander In Thief.

– You thought Apple Blythe Martin was an oddleistic name? How bout Sir Bob Geldof’s daughters: Pixie, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and of course Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily? Who cares, I’d love to pick Pixie’s pocket and see if Peaches’ peach is fuzzy or not!

– Sam Mendes and Shrek team up for Broadway. Screw that, bring on Toy Story: The Musical or Rosie O’Donnell’s Head Meets Mr Guillotine.

– Peace the fork out Pierre Salinger. Yer eyebrows belong in the Hall of Fame next to Andy Rooney’s, Martin Scorsese’s, and of course, NY1’s own George Whipple da III’s.

– Air, Dizzee Rascal, Nellie McKay and TV on the Radio are scheduled to perform at the Shortlist ceremony at the Avalon Theater in Hollywood on November 15. More names to be added.

– Get yer free tickets to tapings of Jimmy Kimmel and Carson Daly. Btw, wtf is the deal with The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion being Daly’s ‘house band’ for an entire week? That makes about as much sense as Jews for Jesus.

– THE REDSKINS WON A GAME!!! Joe Gibbs is the messiah and we’re going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl!!!

– Club Paris. I wish that first word was used as a verb and not a noun.

– Break out yer 20-sided dice and max out dem hit points cause Dorks & Dwebs Dungeons & Dragons turned 30 this past weekend!! And in honor of the event, we should all burn every DVD copy in eggsistance of the self-titled movie starring Jeremy Irons. Jeremy’s Iron? Mm hmm, well that’s…very good…for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you’d like to bounce it?

– Did you know that some 40 percent of Albanians have no street address?

– And finally, Crazy Horse Kin Want Strip Club Renamed

– Unconfirmed reports say that Lohan may have eaten breakfast this morning.

– Why is there an IHOP on Mannyhattan and NOT one Waffle House? I’m tellin ya, I’m gonna find an investor and we’re going to open one in Times Square and make 7 ga-zillion billion dollars. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– Rosa Parks is old and losing it and may not be able to testify in her case vs OutKast’s record company BMG. However, HeyYa Johnson, Aintathang Buttachickenwing Edwards, and Spread Forme Jenkins may be called to the stand.

– Can anyone peas eggsplain to me why National Museum of the American Indian isn’t the National Museum of the Native Americans?

– I’ll review Open Water berry soon, but in the mean time, czech out the true story that inspired it.

– That uber-scrum-deli-umptious blondie from the last Bond movie, Rosamund Pike, has just signed on for the Doom movie, which stars De Rock and that dude from LOTR: Two Towers with the crazy-arsed helmet.

– Fun and freedom of speech has officially ended at the Uni of Merryland. “Rock and Roll, Part II” has not only been banned from Terps football games, but now basketball games. Maybe if Duke didn’t suck so much kak in the 1st place, this wouldn’t even be an issue. [via and all a-polly-gees to Navi the Blue Devil Dog]

– Pitney Bowes is auctioning off autographed envelopes. The person who bidded on Ryan Seacrest’s should be flogged in a public square.

– The Shawshank Redemption breast film to not win Breast Picture? Uh, hello, Citizen Kane (or perhaps Coz’ pre-Peabs work in Ghost Dad)?

– Warner Brudders delays the release of Ollie Stone’s Alexander, claiming it’ll help their chances with Mr Oscar. I dunno bout you, but after seeing the trailer, they should start preparing Razzie speeches.

– Cybill Shepherd is gearing up to play Don King. Leslie Shepherd could not be reached for comment.

– Love Ohio State and need a sweater? Bid on this phatty sweater.

– Be the first on yer block to visit MoMA: Revenge of the Sith.

– Do you have a NFL stadium fetish? Click here.

– Eminem M&Ms to fight breast cancer.

– Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger got em self a website. And thanks gawd the url aint benroethlisberger.com. Cause who would ever remember how to spell that sheetz?

– Dumbestist thing of the week. [via Zach de la Roachclipper]

– Plastered outta yer mind on St Ides? Don’t drive a car, ride a horse!

– Go to CVS, buy a stomach and save 4 whole dollars!!

– On behalf of yers truly, the Thigh Daddy, the BeastMaster, Blaster Master, Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster and the rest of the Master clan, we want to wish our cousin, the View-Master a merry 65th b-day. To celebrate, they’ve even inducted him into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Go get em Viewie!! Yer 3-D is butter than all of Jaws 3-D and the virtual reality in The Lawnmower Man. Speaking of, where have you gone Jeff Fahey? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

– Bush/Hitler comparison clip removed from Ozzfest video montage. I don’t think people would have complained as much if it was just a clip of A$$hole eating a watermelon.

– Tom & Jerry, the live action talk show. It’s not what you think.

– What on earth is Bert doing to Ernie? [NSFW thing via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Dan the Automat on board for Archduke’s follow-up?

– Dave Abbott challenges pretty boy Ken Jennings to a cage match to the death. “I think I could take him.”

– The grandest college basketball team in all the land, los Merryland Twerps, are headed to Italy this fall for a 12 day preseason tour. And Duke, they’ll be at home shining Mike Kyryewqssrkskikiesies’s johnson. And the nihilists, they’re going to cut off the Dude’s johnson. And the Dude, he’s got a great soundboard. Back to Twerp shariz: Welcome back Keith Booth!! And do you think Walt Williams still hangs out with Hootie and his Blowfish?

– Dem be some tall buildings.

– Leisure Suit Larry all over again?

– 1 in 5 Germans drink to get drunk. What do the other 4 do? Have a bit of the olde stein-haussen-weiner-shintizel-fliz-huis-de-flughaufen and then gobble a watermelon?

– 21 days until the Athens games. Wake me up when it’s 2006, cold, and Johnny Mosley’s baking some more dinner rolls.

– Who created the scores for Planet Of The Apes, Total Recall, Gremlins, Chinatown, Hoosiers, many a Star Trek fliz, and yes, even The Twilight Zone? Oscar owner, Jerry Goldsmith, dats who. Well, he croaked Wednesday night. Peace the f%@k out dawwwwwwwwg.

– Some say breastesiest Goonies website out there. Some of those people are these people people.

– Join the Army and get bigger breasts or a smaller nose for free!!

– Those Dutch make killer pancakes, dope, and windmills. Apparently, they’re also tall is fork.

– And word on the street is that Lindsay Lohan ate lunch yesterday. I heard she also had something to drink, but when we contacted her reps, they responded with “No comment.”

– Peace the fudge out to Marlon Brando. We all knew you were in great debt and were hiding your Oscars for the collectors, but I don’t think offing yourself was a good plan. Anywho, the greatest Brando memory for mees is his role as Superman’s dad, Jor-El. The man was so ruff and tuff that he renamed his home planet of Krypton, “Kryp-tin”.

– Lohan will join the ranks of Avril Lavigne, Wilson Phillips, and Kelly Clarkson by contributing a song to The Princess Diarrheas 2: Royal Engagement soundtrack. When the Lohan eventually goes on tour, she should pull a Beck and ask the Flaming Lips to be her backing band. Can you imagine? I do, every single noche when I hit the sac, before hitting the sack.

– Who looks like Gideon Yago and designs pouches for Burger King? Why The House of Ugoff of course!!

– Boo to the US Mint.

– Woman turns into Coke machine. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– NYC’s ready to build an ugly building to replace two ugly buildings. Hey, how bout building a 2nd Ave line. I think that’s a lil bit more important.

– At a concert in Naw Orleans, Prince was joined by old friends Sheila E, Chaka Khan, Morris Day and The Time, and many others to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Purple Rain. I guess we’ll have to wait until 2010 for a Graffiti Bridge 20th year reunion. Somewhere, Tevin Campbell is praying daily for such an event.

– Coach K, for the love of gawd, take the money and run!! Please leave the f-in Dukies program, so they can suck my donkey’s donkey balls for years to come, and let the Terps reign like Queen Victoria.

– And finally, merry 4th of Jewly everyone. Down with the red coats and up with plenty of free parking and 96 oz Big Gulps. However, I think we should all move to der Netherlands cause the gov-mint just supported a plan to improve the “quality” of their brothels. I knew we should have kept the name New Amsterdam. F-in lads. So ladbrokes.

Since the best team in the world, the Garyland Terps, are out of the NCAA tourney, I now have to root for improbable matchups. Who’s with me on a Nevada vs. Vanderbilt championship? That would be the lowest rated sporting event on television since the woman’s curling finals at the Salt Lake games in 2000. Anywho, my main man Norman Chad tries to figure out how 49.4 seconds in a college basketball game can last 18 minutes.