Thighs Wide Shut

It’s disheartening to report this, but I may be the sole blogger in the Northern and/or Southern Hemisphere who reserved space on their site for musings about the series finale of The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best. Not only that, but I bet me, Juwanacurred, and Cousin DJ ‘Too Tall’ Jones, were the only people to have (love) actually watched every episode. We had to be! I mean, the show was getting shat upon on in the ratings by Gilmore Girls for cryingoutsows.

And what vexes me more than Joaquin Phoenix saying ‘It vexes me‘ in Gladiator is that no one (love) actually watched every episode. In this epoch of wretched fantasy TV shows, Rebel Zillionaire stood head & shoulders & pert plus above the rest. Sure there weren’t any crazy/beautiful/sexy/cool contestants (cept me would like to take a peep at Jess McCann‘s cans), buttt it’s awesomeness, cleverness, challengingness, and loch and elliott ness made the The Apprentice look as lame and tame as an episode of Shirt Tales. And it also comes right down to the fact that Sir Richard Branson is so much more mad iller yo than Donald Trump.

If you had to choose who to sleep with, it would be even less of a contest than choosing Desperate Haaswives over 24. Anywho, major congrats to zany Mormon Shawn (owner of LoveSac & this woman), who not only mcnabbed a cool mil-dough, but 3 months as co-prez of Virgin ashlong side Sir Perfect Hair, and possib-drew-bly the opps to run one of his dumpier subsidiaries… I’m looking in yer di-erection Virgin Cola. Since their won’t be a season two, may I heavily re-suggest that the Broccoli family tap Sir Richard to play Bond in the next installment. I guarantee more box office buxomness than Aquaman: The Movie.

– Borat Sagdiyev sighted in Salem, VA?

– Sarah Jessica Parker has finally found a project that’s more fitting for her tisgusting ogre face: Shrek 3

– Beckham Lookalikes To Marry. And you thought our news was wiggty wiggty whack.

– Have you ever remixed or covered ‘Army of Me’? Well, Björk wants em all!

– Tesla, yes, that five man acoustical jam band who loathed to read signs, are hitting the road. They shitstop in NYC on March Furst @ Irving Platz.

– Not a good time to be bad in tha ACC.

– GoldenFiddle.com is NOT dead, but juss back in the shop to be re-stringed. Hurry back now great Fiddler, cause me, him, and him, can’t keep up the hotness alone.

– Beware of garbage on 4/11.

– You can’t truss CBS no mo, so wees gotta turn to people who know what they’re talking about, like Norman Chad, aka the Couch Slouch. No one asks the hard hitting questions that hit closer to home than Sir Slouches-a-lot. Take for instance this query he quipped in his splendid article on bowling & America, ‘Bowling is a better life. In fact, given a choice between bowling a 220 game or dating Jennifer Garner, Halle Berry and Lindsay Lohan on consecutive nights, I have six words for you: “What size shoes do you need?‘ Well, since I’m an alum of the Lebowski Fest and already have a 231 under my belt, I’m free to hit the town and dem skins anytime me wants. But the rest of you need to strap on yer wrist braces, pour on the talc, and roll yer balls off. [via the great Joe E Steak Tartare]

– Lindsay Lohan walks thru LA airport in her jammies. Is this what pilots wet dream of? And while we’re questioning things, do androids dream of electric sheep?

Want something a lil LL hottier?

Clit Click

– And in honor of the Festival of Boring: IU’s Jews broke the Terps’ Jews’ ‘whirled’ record for twirling the most dreidels simultaneously. That still doesn’t make up for the shalacking my hometown boys put on my alma mater! [via Navi]

– Still looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? How bout this or this? [via Pure Boy/Karnov Fan Club Pres]

– Juss in case you missed it in the comments section, be sure and watch Cuthy Cuthbertensenjansen in the make-up chair AND talk about how lame her 24 character was! I cant bee leave she isn’t on the upcoming season. I was so looking forward to seeing her being chased by giraffes!! [via Tony’s CPU]

– Anytime Kornheiser uses ‘Les Boulez’ or ‘LaSooz’ in an article, most likely yer in for a treat.

– The fourth annual Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival is set for June 10 – 12, 2005. Time to start stocking up on patchouli!!!

– Dat’s a whole lotta swizzle sticks!

– Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis to you too!

– The duet to end all duets: Damon Albarn and Dennis Hopper!?!?

– The reunion tour no one has been waiting for: Motley Crue

– Ferguson Named New Host ‘Late Late Show’. Who? Robert Ferguson?

– Hilton’s crotch. Beyonce’s crotch. I don’t think I’ll ever look at microwaved tuna the same again. [via City Rag Doll]

– The Winner of the SAT tackles The F$#kability of The Golden Girls! Here’s Part 1 & Part 2.

– Neue Yawkers, this bee a free screening worth screening: Hotel Rwanda.

– Police, help us! Someone stole our pot! [via Hoosier for Life]

– Lohan lip syncs. Lohan doesn’t want to lip sync. Lohan likes using sinks.

– I mean, who doesn’t want ‘Thigh Master loves you‘ written on their M&Ms?

– Grammys shmammammays.

– I usually don’t post any corrections, but one of our fine readers, Stephen Rossensen, pointed out two things that I neglected to mention in my brief rant about Vin Dizzle’s latest joint: 1) it’s blatant re-hash of Mr Nanny starring Hulk Hogan AND 2) it’ll be a duel to the death for wurstest movie of the year along side The Son of The Mask.

– Things I Love About Japan, like Boong Ga Boong Ga. [via The Excrementalist]

– And did you ever wanted to look at a pictorial of someone giving a mouse an enema? Then go ahead you sick-o-path, click away! [via Boston Baked Beanhead]

– PEACE the fork out el creator of Flash! Send some shimmy-yas to ODB when you see him.

– Boo.

– The gawds muss be crazy to allow MTV Africa.

– MAJOR PROPS deLeon go out to my grrrrl Ultra and her nifty book deal! [via the Gid]

– Ricky Gervais, the mos modest man around.

– Who knew there were clouds on your anus? [via Marvcus Patton the II]

– Only a video game could make Monica Bellucci look awful.

– I love the guy, but I really don’t think of Tom Hanks when I read Robert Langdon’s adventures. Does that mean they’re going to dig up Jessica Tandy to play the French chick?

– I know my b-day was a week ago, but does someone wanna drop 10K so me can finally own my own Scoreboard w/Jumbotron? [via Navi the Terrible]

– Having trouble stalking B-Real or Sista Soulja cause u don’t know their real names? Click here for that AND more! [via Cubs Fan #1]

– Jack White, in lengthy interview, sez album #5 to be recorded soon and with a possible release next year. And in the meantime, pre-order their Live DVD and get a free Tee!

– U2 to tour America staring in March. The only known date is March 1st, somewhere in the state Florida. [via The Shopppppeee]

– Spoon to play a few Texas shows in early December and Britt Daniel is going it alone November 26th at Maxwell’s in Ho-broken. More details here.

– Biff Tanner, from Back To The Future, pop art-teest at large? [via Gumbo Gomby]

ApParently Trap, we now have a sports section:

– After delivering on of his breastest diatribes of the year, Andy Rooneyski laid an egg this week with his take on what needs to be changed in sports today. And although the NFL is the finest organization (besides TWS.org) in the world, I do agree with his notion that, “It would be illegal for an NFL game to go past 7 p.m. on Sunday night and intrude on 60 Minutes.” Amen brother curmudgeon man.

– Sure the Redskins lick five day old microwaved tunafish sandwiches, but I never give up hope… well at least until their officially eliminated from the playoff race.

– Giants fans’ prayers have finally been answered: get ready for Manning Version 2.0.

– To Hate Duke or To Love Those HOMOwners? That is the question. Either way, the Terps and their fans RULE, so eat a dick Matthew Waxman for saying otherwise. [all(aboard) via The I-Train]

Back to crap…

– Crazy Kent? More like LAME-HO Kent.

– Click me for a SFW video that appears NSFW (Windows Media Stizzle) [via My Man Marvkus]

– Beavers Weave Stolen Cash Into Dam [via Time Werespanko]

– And in closing, Stephen King really has a hard-on for our belovededed Cuthy Cuthbertenson. He first mentioned her last month by saying, ‘For every pretty, talented Elisha Cuthbert there is a Paris Hilton and her little dog, too.‘ Well, in his ultra-lame-o monthly EW column, he mentions how thankful he is for a new season of 24 filled with Kiefer Sutherland’s loud breathing, and then added, ‘Elisha Cuthbert is the best supporting actress on TV. Case closed.‘ Look, I’d bone Cuthy 14 ways from Wednesday, but I’m sure there are better supporting actressess out there (think that hippo woman from The Practice). I bet Stephen some how incorporates his love for Cuth-above-the-rest-bert in his next book. I can see it now: The Author Who Love Elisha Cuthbert. Either way, BACKDAFORKUP nerd boy, cause she’s all mine… or whoever that guy she’s engaged too.

– Some people wonder about voter fraud or whether Air-a-fart is dead or alive. Who has time for such nonsense, when there be three questions thats gots my noodle in a doodle: How come Mandy Moore be the finest thang going, yet doesn’t garner the same attention as Shitney & dem other carpet-ho-baggers? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? And finally, how many licks does it take to get into Mandy’s panties?

– Gawd I love ACC Basketball. And mos hispecially this year, before all the sh#t teams join the fray next year.

– Something tells me that Racing Stripes will be the first and last zebra-oriented film released ever.

– Women Allege Boss Spanked Them For Errors. For four seconds I wished that headline read Boss Allegedly Spunks On Women For Errors.

– Stereochicklets drops Britney for the Latin maid from The Goonies.

– You know yer le nasty boobies have received too much attention if TK Stack Money is mentioning them in his article on the wurstest b-ball squad known to man.

– Topps has just released a limited edition set of Jesusland trading cards. Hey Marvkus, u think Beckett would value George Bush’s card higher than Andy Pafko’s?

– These aint yer daddy’s cardboard boxes.

– Star Wars & Legos, always a good thing. [via Scary Eye-balled Site]

– The Chocolate Factory, Charlie & 2004 style. [via Brooktown Meat Hater]

– Displeased about the size of yer testicles? Blame ‘the infidelity of our female ancestors‘. [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Protect your banana!

– Who needs The Producers when there’s Who Is Wilford Brimley? The Musical. [via The Fide Fiddler of Hotlanta]

– And the mostest unimportantest news of the day: Noah Lerman-Simmes, a Psych Major at Arizona, chooses Elisha Cuthbert as the girl he’d most like to date. Wet dream on pal, all over this fake jpeg of her naked.

[pic via UMC]

– Why rent the worstest movie mt everest, aka The Girl Next Store, starring Easy-E Cuthbert, aka Her Royal Thighness The II, when you can watch the BREASTEST part over and over right here (and if you don’t have sound, u can juss read her lips, I know I DO!!). Bi da weigh, this is pretty much a good representation of how our evenings are filled… that’s why she’s so convincing of an actress. [via Shady Harry’s Son]

– Major congrats to the MD Twerps who finally beat FSU for the first time ever. Too bad yer record is a bunk-a$$ 4-4.

– Chemical Brothers’ drop their next LP Push the Button on January 25th. Q-Tip is on board for a song, but what other fun sirprizes lie ahead? Meanwhilst, Fischerspooner are putting the finishing touches on their second album, tentatively titled ‘Odyssey’, with Mirwais behind the wheels. Guest star pastabilties include David Byrne, Linda Perry, Susan Sontag and Tony Hoffer. It’ll drop sometime next Spring.

– Twin Peaks Season 2 DVDs coming out in late 2005?

– The Futureheads pay a visit to the Canal Room this Wednesday night. Tis only 8 bones!!

– Ricky Gervais turns Oasis shill.

– Albarn, Gallygerrrr and Damien Hirst are a go for Band Aid III.

– Someone please stop this man!

– If you are a multi-tasker like el Maestro of Thighs, I recommend you start using Mozilla’s Firefox browser. Tabs aint just for Microsoft Excel any mo!!

– The first Lohan Herbie: Fully Loaded pic has been unleashed!! For a second there, I thought this was a sneak peek at Tim Burton’s version of The Oompah Loompahs!! (click image for enlargement)

– Enjoy G Dub’s cover of ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’? Here’s a whole bunch mo.

– Chris Columbus currently be shopping around his Little Steven’s Underground Garage Festival doc to the big studios.

– Bored? Play with Rubik’s Cube.

– Peace the fork out doesn’t always apply to people who die. I’d like to extend some Forking to the following peeps: Goldie, Kathy Whiteside, Ira Mellman and Johnny Dark, who all got the pink slip from WBIG Oldies 100, the radio station I interned at in the mid 90s, and a berry belated PEACE THE FORK OUT to my main man and lass, Senor & Senora Gomberigas. Hope you make the most out of yer new Midwest digs, i.e. eating at Steak n Shake for every meal.

– And speaking of Senor G, he passed along this fine link: A Montana Woman Is Accused of Letting Her 18-MONTH-OLD Daughter Smoke Marijuana From A Bong. That almost makes this guy look normal: Idaho Man Accused of Stealing Underwear