Thighs Wide Shut

Little Miss Sunshine
Ray of Light & Dark
Trailers

If Todd Solondz and Steven Nerderbergh had a bespectacled lovechild it would probably be right at home directing this poor man’s independent version of a Griswold road trip from hell, complete with car problems, money problems, and the dreaded query of what to do when a loved one passes on when passing through. Too bad the characters of Little Miss Sunshine aren’t having as much fun as Clark W & Co, cause their dysfunction kinda takes away from the flimsy plot it’s desperately trying to motor along on. Although the sextet esemble is quite thumcredible (Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Toni Collette, Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano, and the beyond adorable-domed Abigail Breslin), the characters they portray are too darn self-absorbed to even be in the same movie, let alone the same Volkswagen van. Co-directed by husband and wife music vid veterans Valerie Faris and Jonathan Dayton (the mos brills S Pumpkins’ ‘Tonight, Tonight’ [vid] & RHCP’s ‘By The Way’ [vid]), Sunshine is nothing more than an frivolous exercise in trying to be cool filmmaking. It’s pretty much a bunch of nothing stitched together by a series of misfortunes that would even give Greg Focker a bit o’ confidence. And where does it lead us? To some creepy kiddie beauty pageant (which reminds me how uncomfortable Jon Benet Ramsey and her nutty family made me feel) where the youngest does her best to top Napoleon Dynamite’s sweet dance moves. I know the above is bit on the negative Nelly side, but there are plenty laffs to be had, hispecially for you plebeians. Hell, it’s the best use of Carell’s talent on screen since, well, ever! I know, I know, you think The 40 Year-Old Virgin [review] is the greatest thing since sliced Bobbit penis [kinda NSFW?], but I’m so darn funny, it’s hard for any movie to make me laff. WHY GAWD, WHY? Couldn’t u make me good at something else, like masturbating breakdancing?

Recommended for those who like: bit parts for Chloe, McDonalds drinking glasses, and the commitment doubter for Sparkle Motion

Possible Porno Name: Little Miss Lick Me Where The Sun Don’t Shine

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any of the Griswold misadventures or Hairspray [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘We’re On A Road To Nowhere’ by The Talking Heads [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Matt Winston, who plays one of the bestest screen emcees in recent memory, is son of make-up and special effects wizard Stan (A.I., T2, etc). Also, writer Michael Arndt‘s only other screen credit is being Matthew Broderick’s assistant on the shoot of ’97’s Addicted to Love

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I struggled long and hard on this one, but ultimately, it’s not that memorable, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

until next time the balcony is clothed…

Changing Times
aka Les Temps Qui Changent
A Sign of The Times? Yeah, A No Outlet Sign
Trailers

When one thinks of French actors and actresses, two frogs usually come to mind, for butter or worse: Gérard Depardieu and Catherine Deneuve. The two have starred in over 250 films and TV shows combined, and according to IMDB’s thumcredible joint venture feature, together in 11 of em. So when they do get together, one would expect something special. Unfortunately, I’ve never viddied one of these magical screen pairings before, such as Truffaut’s The Last Metro, so Changing Times marks the breaking of my Gérard Deneuve cherry. And after taking in this ho-hum story of a desperate Frenchman desperately trying to desperately rekindle his desperate love with an old flame who aint all that desperate to return the favor, all set in the beautiful shores of Tangiers, I kinda want my cherry back. Not to say that it’s a total waste, but anyone under 40 will most likely see this as a good eggscuse to take a snooze for 90 minutes… or who desperately want to watch Desperately Seeking Susan

Recommended for those who like: Ibn Batouta International Airport, two characters named Saïd, and McDonalds’ hijabs

Possible Porno Name: Banging LeAnn Rimes

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kieslowski’s Trzy Kolory: Bialy/Three Colors: White [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘(Gérard Depardieu) Do Do, De Da Da Da’ by The Police [d]

Celebrity Nudie Archive: Lubna Azabal, who played the righteous gal in Paradise Now, apparently aint too camera shy [NSFW] But then again, what European aint? Certainly aint Ms Deneuve [NSFW]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Un Certain Mérite Mais Aucuns Insignes Puants/Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

until next time the balcony is clothed…

Art School Confidential
Good or Bad? Too Clowes To Call!
Trailer

You means to tell me that this basic milk dud of a movie came from the same very minds (Zwigoff & Clowes, which would make for the wurstest monikered law firm) that brought us the mos delicious Ghost World? It would seem more apt if this came from the minds that brought us Good Burger, or better yet, Hamburger: The Motion Picture [trailer]!! It really isn’t a total Amtrak train wreck, or even as big a wreck as Amtrak’s financials, but we the Zwigclowesians eggspect more, not bore! And since the closest any of us ever got to an art school was Claire Fisher‘s misadventures in gayville, you’d figure we’d be treated with the ultimate insider’s view, given the filmmakers’ pedigree, but NOOOOOOOO, all we get are flimsy stereotypes that any one of us coulda conjured up. Am I watching Art School Confidential or am I watching a semi-smarter Van Wilder, that happens to co-star Malkovich and my boy of boys, Jimmy Broadbent? I’ll stop there before I drop a ref to Hot Dog… The Movie, but at least Sophia Myles’ breasts were displayed… for art’s sake

[Abs Sop My]

Possible Porno Name: Hard Tool Cons The Dental Dam

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Real Genius [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘I Can See For (Sophia) Miles’ by Boris Laborde [d from BL.com]

IMDb Sweeney: Finneus Egan played the ‘vegan’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

District B13
aka Banlieue 13
Gerry-Meandering
Trailer

Ahlot like the beyond mediocre-domed Ronin, cept the thumcredible car chase in the middle is replaced by a toecredible rooftop chase scene in the beginning. And the rest, Merde A La Puissance Treize [fish that babble, ya know you want to]!

Recommended for those who like: Luc Besson’s recent ‘writing’, Luc Besson’s recent ‘producing’, and the man who basically begat the Queen Lequeefah/Jimmy Buffoon debacle known as Taxi

Possible Porno Name: Dis Dick B 13 Inches

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Running Man [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Papa t’es plus dans l’coup’ by Ludivine Sagnier [d], cause I’d rather think of her, nekkid [NSFW], then think about anything else French, besides French’s mustard

IMDb Sweeney: HA! Cyril Raffaelli, who’s one of the ‘stars’, did uncredited stunts for… RONIN!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Very Little Merit But Plenty of Merde

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

The Omen
The Devil Wears Osh-Kosh
[title raped from Amy’s Robot fan Agent 0019]
Trailers

Faithful? Yes. Good? No. Bad? No. Eh? Yes. Meh? Ever more so. Huh? Fla. Ga? Sna! You get the idea… or if you read this site regularly, you probably don’t get the idea cause I’m more cryptic than the Crypt Keeper joining the Bloods’ rival gang. Anyshoe, the first 1/2 is as tiresome as da Da Vinci Code, but the second 1/2 scarborough fairs a lot better. Why? Less and less of Julia Stiles, who has a scarier face than the kid playing Damien. Seriously, what’s up with her face? It’s more round than Gnarls’ moundish cousin! As for the kid, he’s perfect(ly GAY), and since his career will probably go nowhere AND he’s boviously a fan of remakes (like co-star Liev Schreiber) I suggest he sign up for Problem Child Redux. And how bout my M.I.A. girl Mia F.a.r.r.o.w.? She’s been in a bunch o junk as of late, but she certainly hasn’t lost her edge as a great fargin actress, and bee leaves it or not, her looks as well. She’s pure evil here, and I think she drew inspiration from the hell that the Woodman put her thru. And how bout Hollywurst’s mos minor playa, but major talent Knox Harrington David Thewlis? Dude’s more dependable than yer grandmother takin a dump in her Depends after a night of hard dick sucking and burrito munchin. OK, I’ll stop talkin about the actors (sorry Michael Gambon) and your gran’ma, but what else is there really to talk about when the remake doesn’t make better than the make it’s remaking? I dunno, PROBLEM CHILD?? Ok, so the lil kid who was Junior (Michael Oliver) in Problem Child [trailer] is… wait for it… wait for it… a road crew member for the Samples!!!!!!!!!

Possible Porno Name: The O-Men & wO-men

Unsatisfied with this? C’mon, u effin kiddin me??? Netflix the original gangster version [(do watch this) trailer] or PROBLEM CHILD!!!!!

Apt MPupil3: ‘Devil Inside’ by INXS [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Harvey Stephens, who played Damien in the OG versh, shows up in 2.0 as Tabloid Reporter #3. Also, I didn’t realize that the nanny in 1.0 is not only Jack Palance’s daughter Holly, but Robin Williams’ super fly wife in the much forgotten but much bestest Best of Times. And none of this woulda been possible with out the words of David Seltzer, who also wrote Lucas AND My Giant!!

Hey, It Beats ‘Shiloh Nouvel’: after being induced for 6 days, a woman gave birth to a 6lb 6oz boy on 6/6/6. And the boy’s name? Take a wyld stallions guess! [Blink Is The New Pog]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Driving Lessons
Grint And Bear It
Clip | Interview
US Release Date – TBA

Do you wet dream every night of a Ron Weasley and his mum Harold & Maude [trailer] lite-esque Britcom romp? If you do, give me yer contact info so I can pass it along to proper authorities, you sick fork! But thens again, you’d probably be the only personages who’ll truly enjoy this purely PG family flick that contains a few curse words, and Ron’s cherry being popped, off-screen, natch. Although mos British movies of this sort are watchable on their charm alone, this one has too few laffs to cut anyone’s mustard… DAMN YOU O HENRY and YOUR MUSTARD!! Kinda sad that this didn’t rock the hizzouse, cause all the actors involved are fab, including Laura Linney, as Ron’s overly-pious mum, and lil known, but often seen Nicholas Farrell, as his priestly pa. I hope the filmmakers learn a lesson, cause no one wants to see sum-tang stuck in neutral.

Recommended for those who like: Edinburgh Castle, the CoE, and old men in women’s clothing

Possible Porno Name: Muff Diving Lessons

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix License To Drive [that and many a Corey Haim trailers can be found here]

Apt MPupil3: ‘She Drives Me Crazy’ by Fine Young Cannibals [d]

IMDb Sweeney: This isn’t Ron/Rupe’s 1st non-Potter flick. That (dis)honor belongs to 02’s fart-asstic Thunderpants [you HATH 2 watch this trailer], co-starring Stephen Fry, Ned Beatty, and Paul GMatz

TFF Thighspotting: I didn’t go to the pre-shmear screenin, but this girl did, and humped Ron’s leg, or something

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit, But No Stinkin Badges