Thighs Wide Shut

Puccini for Beginners
Opera…tion Mediocre
Trailers & Mo

What’s got two thumbs and couldn’t really decide which way to point either of them after watching this movie? If you guessed me then yer biggest geniuseses since the creators of ‘Gold Case’! Puccini for Beginners, the simple tale of a not so simple dumped on lesbian turned experimental bisexual, is purty much Kissing Jessica Stein with a far better cast (Weed‘s always thumbcredible Justin Kirk, (sadly) with clothes on Gretchen Mol, and unlikely, yet winning lead Elizabeth Reaser). While both of these films are quite charming and place an importance on being earnest, they’re too much of a trifle to be considered required viewing. These kinds of movies are enjoyable to watch… if you happen to randomly watching Lifetime Television on a weekday afternoon… and also if they happen to star Tiffani (née Amber) Thiessen

Unsatisfied with this?: catch in theaters/Netflix Flannel Pajamas [Trailer & mo] which oddly enuff stars Puccini playas Cpt Kirk & Julianne Nicholson as lovers

Possible Porno Name: Poonanny For Beginners

Apt MPupil3: Blur’s ‘Girls & Boys‘ [d|vid]

Lets Be More Than Friends…ters!: Pucinni bit player and cutie patootie Bridget Moloney‘s Friendster page

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…•

Bobby
The Pursuit of Sappyness
Trailer

Bobby is director/actor/Charlie Sheen’s brother Emilio Estevez’ love song to Robert F Kennedy and the turbulent era that he was the new voice of. More importantly, it reunites The Mighty Ducks‘ coach with his star player Charlie Conway, aka Pacey, aka Josh Jackson. While I golf clap EE’s earnest attempt at creating a Robert Altmanesque bazillion character crossover joint, taking place at LA’s Ambassador Hotel on June 6th, 1968, the date of RFK’s assassination, this joint will only light the hearts of anyone who’s 45 years or older.

The main problem that I had with the film is that I couldn’t care less than two shits (maybe even one) about said bazillion characters roaming around the hotel, talking about The Graduate, Warhol’s soup cans, and even tripping on acid with Ashton Krunchyner. If you name yer film Bobby, then there should be nothing but. Maybe I’m juss spoiled after takin in the bestness that was JFK, Nixon, and sure, why not, Dick. Luckily the brothers Weinstein forced a lot o archival footage of RFK into the film cause had they not, this woulda been a bigger cheesefest and disaster than last summer’s Poseidon [TWS.org’s review]. The other issue I have with this flick is how do you cast the NSFW goodlyness of Sharon Stone, Demi Moore, Heather Graham, Helen Hunt, Svetlana Metkina, Joy Bryant, and Her Former Royal Thighness Lohag, and the only nudity we get is Shia Where’stheLeBeouf‘s arse cheeks?

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix The Assassination of Richard Nixon [TWS.org review | trailer & mo]

Possible Porno Name: the Spanish classic Bob y Kneel

IMDb Sweeney: in the ’74 TV movie The Missiles of October, Martin Sheen portrayed RFK to William Devane’s JFK, even though Devane looks more like Bobby, but Sheen nine years later got his due and portrayed Jack in the ’83 miniseries Kennedy, but nothing tops David Kobzantsev, who has now stepped into the shoes of assassin Sirhan Sirhan TWICE!

1nce Bitten, 4eva Smitten: with future sex-kitten Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Apt MPupil3: ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy‘ [d] by BOBBY McFerrin

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Marie Antoinette
Let Them Eat Cake Make Mistake
Trailers

I was probably the only person on earth who wasn’t heels over head in love with Sofia Coppola’s meandering Lost In Translation. It was good, but far from great, and far from Grape Ape. The girl’s mos def got a flair for visiual style and can pick a soundtrack better than Zach Braff or any Braff for that matter, but her storytelling leaves much to be desired. After winning an Oscar for Lost, Ms Coppola has cashed in her ‘get out of jail free‘ card (much like Gus van Sant, who followed his winning Finding Forrester with the losing Psycho remake) with her anachronistic trifle Marie Antoinette.

While I golf clap her attempt to mix modern (New Wave music, Chuck Taylors, American accents) with classic, I bitch slap her for not being able to make it work. The mod bits don’t add anything to the film, but do add up to be one giant mistake. Marie really coulda been something exquisite, but slain and pimple, is a giant waste of celluloid, and sirprizingly very zzzzzzzz inducing. Trying something different is one thing, but not even trying when you’re trying too hard to do something different is another thing all together, hispecially when you have a brilliant cast (Dunst and Schwatzman shine like Mop & Glo^®) and the bestest shooting location that money could never buy (the freakin real deal Versailles) at yer disposal. Public, on yer behalf I declare the honeymoon with this Coppola over. Now its time to give brother Roman another shot. I mean, CQ wasn’t the greatest, nor even the Grape Apest, but its soundtrack is way cooler than anything Sofia could dream up. LET SOFIA EAT POOP!!!

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Kube’s second 2 none period piece Barry Lyndon [trailers | TWS.org review]

Possible Porno Name: Hairy Cunt I Pecked

Nepotismizms: co-starring Asia ‘Dario’ Argento, Katrine ‘John’ Boorman, Io ‘Sam’ Bottoms, Jason ‘Talia Shire’ Schwartzman, Mary ‘Bill’ Nighy, and Danny ‘John’ Huston

Apt MPupil3: since pointless modern music was the name of the game, why didn’t Copp throw co-star Marianne Faithfull’s versh [vid] of the Stones’ ‘As Tears Go By‘ [d] a bone?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit, But Mos Certainly No Stinkin Badgers

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Running With Scissors
Running On Empty
Trailer

Augusten Burroughs‘ NY Times breast sellin memoir of the same name muss be a purty darn great read, cause the movie that it inspired surely aint great viewing. Don’t really know what got lost in the translation, but it seems as if the filmmakers were too caught up in stylizng it to the nines to deliver anything of substance (for 1nce substance abuse woulda been a good thing!). In what shoulda been a harrowing and deeply emotional examination of Burroughs’ teen years (he basically was abandoned by his beyond narcissistic mother and forced to live with her beyond bananas shrink and his beyond the valley of the dolls family) is juss a bunch of cute movie fragments strewn together with a blaring ’70s soundtrack, which seems to have been cobbled together from the C-list leftovers that Cameron Crowe didn’t use for Almost Famous. The top notch cast (Benning, Baldwin, Paltrow, the OG Hannibal Lecter, that slut-in training from Thirteen, the faux ye olde Diane Keaton, fab Gab Union, and Joe Fiennes doin his bestest Scott Stapp doppelgänger thang complete with porn mustache) have little to do here but overact in groovy threads and hipper than thou sets. In a nutshell silverstein this one coulda been contender, but ended up playing like The Unroyal Tenenbaums. If I wanted to watch a 5th rate Wes Anderson movie I shoulda juss stayed home and suffered thru The Life Aquatic again. [SPOIL HER ALERT] If one scene could sum how liz-ame this flick churned out to be, it would be the final one, where the screen and real life Augusten share a smile

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix a more functional tale of dysfunction, Ang Lee’s The Ice Storm [trailer]

Possible Porno Name: Cuming On The Scissor Sisters

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Rental Round Up(dog)

The Devil & Daniel Johnston [trailer] – Think Augusten Burroughs gotz issues? Underground manic-depressive music sensation Daniel Johnston has so many issues that the dude’s got a lifetime subscription. I’ve seen so many franztastic docs this year, and this one my fiends, is by jamie farr the breastest in show! Dare4 the biggest movie mistake I’ve made this year was NOT seeing this one in a theater. Luckily it made its way to the top of my Netflix queue as soon as it was dropped on DVD, and you should follow suit. The extras are extra hispecial, hispecially DJ’s reunion with his unrequited love Laurie

Lollilove [trailer] – Since I’m a sucker for The Office‘s Pam, I’m a sucker for anything Jenna Fischer, and that is what led me to this 3 dollar budgeted flick that she directed about doling out lollipops to the homeless with the help of her real life husband (boo!). As a feature it’s unwatchable, as JO material, it’s invaluable!

NOTE TO NYCers: there’s a sheet lode of movies cumin out this weekend, but only one to see, Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple [beyond Thighly recommended], and for those outside of Da City, czech for dates here, or juss wait til it airs on PBS’ American Experience in April of the ’07

Borat Bone Us: The Gum has gots 3 hot mp3s from the Borat sdtrk, includin ‘In My Country There Is Problem’, ‘Born To Be Wild’, & ‘You Be My Wife’

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Step Up
Clash of The Tights
Trailer

I think the last dance movie that I was forced to sit thru, and kinda enjoyed, from barf to Finnish was Dirty Dancing (I tried watching D2: Havana Nights on HBO, but lasted about as long as me on top of Lucy Pinder). Since then I’ve passed on the likes of Take The Lead, Honey, Save the Last Dance, Dance On My Poo, Lambda Lambda Lambada, and Breakin 14: Electric Six Go To The Gay/Blue Oyster Bar. Good for me that I didn’t see any of those cause I bet they’re all carbon (or would ‘boronic’ be a better use of the periodic table?) copies from the Mad-Libs of Hollywood Dance movies. I mean, can it even call itself a dance movie if the two main characters aren’t polar opposites and are only united by the the world of DANCE!?!? Step Up follows the same Jello mold and breaks no new ground, but then again, it doesn’t eggzactly hit the ground with a giant thud either. Sure there’s about .00000001% drama in the whole thang (some character is shot to death for no reason other than to basically kill whatever comic relief eggsisted in the film) and it’s more laffable than reading 48928424119 Laffy Taffy wrappers (white people dancing is always funny, see the Senior Prom scene in She’s All That), but I can’t in good conscience say that I didn’t enjoy myself. Maybe cause I was Mystery Science Theatering throughout, gettin all stoned by the cuteness of up and comer Alyson Stoner, pondering if Jenna Dewan and Adrian Grenier were the same person, or more importantly, scheming ways to sell Natalie Steinberg to Pepsi as the new Hallie Kate Eisenberg

IMDb Sweeney: What kinda’ve’a name is Channing Tatum? Was Stockard O’Neal too much of a stretch? With a real full name of Channing Bryan Isaac Tatum Anderson , I think he coulda picked something a lil butter like Williams Jennings Bryan Bozworth, or even Po Tatum

Thumbs Up Yer A$$: movie maverick genius wunderkind douche bag Kevin Smith gives an up to Up

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Strangers With Candy
Flatpoint High Low
Trailer

This is not only the mos disappointing film of the year, but probably the mos disappointing film I have EVER seen. There was more promise to be had here in the big screen adaptation of the greatest doublespeak TV show of balls thyme than all the promises made by the Union leader candidate to the workers of the Promise® Buttery Spread factory, if he/she were elected. If yer a huge fan of the TV show, I’m sure you’ll find nothing but contempt for this pointless exercise in why thumcredible things are best kept alone. If you never saw the show, avoid this like the plague, or Triaminic, which is like the plague for kids, and juss rent all 3 seasons. You’ll laff yer a$$ off, gar-on-tea-bagged! If not, you boviously have no taste and are probably already camped out for Employee of the Month

Possible Porno Name: Strangers With Hand Jobs

Some High School Assemblies Required: meet Florrie Fisher, the OG Jerri Blank

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Excellent Cadavers
Sicily Tyson’s Punch Out
Trailer (in Italiano)

Whorrible title, hella interesting doc. Is there anything that captivates like the mafia does? Yeah, maybe midgets wrestling big breasted women in chocolate pudding, but since no one has made that IMAX movie yet, czech out this in-depth look at a few good men’s near impossible task of ridding Sicily and Italy of it’s dirty dirty Jewish mafia ties

Unsatisfied with this? (haven’t seen, so can’t fully vouch, but) Netflix ’99’s docudrama of the same subject, with the same name, Excellent Cadavers [trailer], which stars Chazz Palminteri AND F. Murray Abraham!!!!!!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Creepers Worth A Peepers

until next time the balcony is clothed…