Apt MPupil3: Edith Piaf‘s unforgettable ‘Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien‘ [d|vid]
You Got Served: I’m still waitin for someone out there to upload the infamous Sammy Sosa Denny’s ad up on YouTube, where he tells Tony Gwynn how he was traded for Wade Boggs and a side of rice pilaf
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show•
From the people that brought us The Hours comes an even more snoozerific outting with even more great actressesesesez abound, but unfortch, none are a-gagged! Er, uh, um, whatever. Anywho, Evening is about Vanessa Redgrave babbling on her death bed to her daughters (Toni ‘The Teeth’ Collette & real life kin/hottie Natasha Richardson… what, was Joely too busy?) about people in her past that she wanted to bone more than once. As V-Reds goes back in forth between Babble-On and La-La Land, so do we. While it was dandy to peer into her past, it was the present that was the wurstest gift of all! Dat’s right. I is saying they shoulda done away with the old woman moaning about crap and instead juss show us the crap. Why does everyone keep forgettin the phrase that pays: show me, don’t tell me? I dunno, but the mo important question is, why do I have the red hots for Meryl Streep’s daughter, Mamie Gummer, who plays the younger versh of her character in da past? While you willie ponder that, I’ll be shooting my modern-day remake of Deep Throat with Mamie G. I call it: Streep Throat!
Yours, Mine and Hours: while nuttin can take the cake away from Ben Stiller’s Die Hard 12 trailer, this parody preview of The Hours from a few years back still ices our vices…
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges
& if you Netflux one movie this weak, make it…
Shiz was franztastic. And yes, we do realize that Ryan Phiillliippppee is in it too! Hell, the biggest mistake we’ve made all year, besides not buying a second copy of our junior high yearbook, was not seeing Breach in theaters! Shame on us! Go Jaguars!
‘a Michael Bay film‘ used to be a tag line that would send me running for the hills (even if they did have THIGHS!), but after the freshness bestness that was his Island [TWS.org review], I was willing to keep my Michael prejudices at bay goin fwd. Although I always have reservations about any big screen adaptation of a classic from my childhood (Hollywurst, please don’t make a GI Joe flick), I had a feeling that Transformers was in good hands… and those hands be that of Exec Prod-er Steven Spielbergo. Why would Señor S put his name on an action-advent pic if it was gonna turn out to be a terd? For terdness sake, we won’t have to answer that question cause, dooooooooooooooode, the biggest buck for yer bang this summer is, without a doubt, Transformers. Everything that needed to be write was right: a screenplay that would make Charlie Kaufman blush, make the transforming look bee leaveable, hire Peter Cullen to voice Optimus Prime again, and mos importantly, include that sweet sweet transformin sound (chih-chew-choh-cheh-chih). Now don’t spank me wrong, even dough the CGI was notch top, but when dem bots were battlin’, shiz was mos confusin to look at than a Physics book written in braille. As for the humans, as soon as they appeared on screen, I was wishing that the Decepticons would wipe them out in 4 seconds. But as the ‘story’ unfolded, I found that they added to the fun and not take away from it… in par dick u la lee, Shia Labeouf-cake and his mackin of foxie public hand-jober Megan Fox. So leavin the theater I had two very positive thoughts: one, a sequel better happen ASAP (why not let RoboCopper Paul Verhoeven give it ago) and two, I no longer have any qualms about Shia Where’s The LaBeef’s casting in Indy 4. Why? Cause in Spielbergo we truss!!
Transtastic: I dunno who yer mos flavorite ‘former is, but mine is far and away Soundwave
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): If you wait for the DVD, yer a friggin moron cause dis shiz be Breast In Show•!!!
License to Wed I Know Pronounce You One Giant Piece of Sh$t Trailer & Mo!
I’ve seen my fair share of comedies that didn’t float my boat (For Your Consideration, The 40 Year-Old Virgin, The Aristocrats, etc), but at least those mooovies attempted to make me laff. License To Wed doesn’t even come close to touchin my boat cause it’s like a broad ocean without any water in it. Think of one of the wurstest comedies you’ve ever seen and then move it down a notch on the list to make room for this pointless comedy that would make Meet The Parents haters long for a Focker threequel. And bee leave it or snot, Robin Williams’ tis not at fault for this poo that be stankier than takin a rotten egg dump at a sulfur factory whilst listening to Stankonia. Hell, the only people we can blame for this shitrocity that netted 1.5 total laffs are thethreescreenplayas, who, by the looks of it, have about as much comedy writing eggspeareance as Helen Keller penning a book of Helen Keller jokes. Don’t ever watch this movie. Seriously. Not even if yer a family member of someone who worked on it. You’d be butter off watching reruns of The Office and JOing to Mandy Moore… unless of course, yer already doing that, like yours thighly
Apt MPupil3: the only diamond in this ruff piece of coal is the usage of Madness‘ thumcredible ‘It Must Be Love‘ [d|vid]
Netflux Capacitor: time to get all Corey and rent License To Drive [trailer]
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Eyes & Thighs Out Repoopulous!!•
The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen) Juss One of GerMany Thangs Wrong With the GDR Trailer
Tiz hard not to have yer eggspectations set high when you sit down (5 months after it’s initial US release, MIND YOU!) to catch a film that’s 95% fresh and beat out Pan’s Labium for the Best Foreign Film at this year’s Oscars. While I wouldn’t exactly say that I was floored from
frame one to frame end by Others, I will say that I could find nary a thing wrong with this tight cold war noir thriller about the secret police’s dirty dealings in the waning days of East Germany (that’s the German Democratic Republic for you History bluffs out there). This isn’t an atypical cheap thriller, containing endless oooohs after ahhhs, but sum tang mo along the lines of one o dem ye olde klassic intelligent voyeuristic flicks, like Hitch’s Rear Window or Ford Coppola’s The Conversation. That’s sum purty darn good company to be in if you ask me. Oh, yer askin me? Well, sum might say bestest company since Jack Tripper moved into an apt with Chrissy Snow and Janet Wood!
Michael Winterbottom is our mos flavorite director goings. His worldly films are not only works of art, but challenges to the ears, eye and mind. Whether they hit the mark or not, his misses are still 328123848124 zillion times better than the next person’s. W’bottom’s latest, A Mighty Heart, was quite a challenge. He had to retell a story where mos of his audience already knew the outcome, but duhvs course, W’bottom makes it work. Heart is an engaging, although somehow not totally enrapturing, dramatization of the events surrounding the kidnapping of WSJ journalist Daniel Pearl (Capote screenwriter Dan Futterman doin justice to the dearly departed). While we’re not treated (or is ‘spared’ a better word?) to what Pearl himself endured, we do get all the other good guy angles covered, from his preggers wife Mariane (played well enuff, but lets not get Oscar nom crazy, by the mother of Brad Pitt’s children), his WSJ colleagues, the US gov (Kevin Costner’s long lost bud Will Patton), and the local Pakistani officials and intelligence (shining star Irfan Khan, who dazzled in The Namesake). While I wouldn’t say that this is ‘bottom’s best work to date (IMO, that’s ’99s Wonderland), I would say it’s one of his more important ones. Not only cause of the subject matter, but the fact that this film will be seen by a larger American audience, which all of his films rightly deserve
Netflux Capacitor: peas, do yerself a flavor and peep out another important ‘bottom film, Road To Gitmo [trailer|TWS.org review]
IMDb Sweeney: supposedly ‘bottom turned down the chance to direct Good Will Hunting, Cider House Rules and Freedomland
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•
Ratatouille Fo Once, Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen Is A Good Thang! Trailers & Mo!
I despise cartoons (the Disney 2-D ones that filled my early years do not apply here). That sediment came about as an occupational hazard from my previous job workin at the Anime porn factory. So it’s very rare that I see a cartoon, let alone have actual interest in seein one in a theater (toys and superheroes are the eggception)! Well, after the much ado about Ratatouille, I figure this one might hactually be worthy of viewing. And for all intensive purposes, it really does make for one fine cartoon. I wouldn’t say that it’s an amazin piece of cinema by any stretch of the imaginasian, but tis is probably the bestest rat film since Willard and the mos family-friendly one since the Muppets took Manhattan and rocked out with Rizzo the Rat
Bird IS Da Word: director Brad Bird may juss be da one man who can change my mind about modern cartoons. And he aint no new kid on the block neithers. Bird’s first directing gig was ‘Family Dog’ [Part 1|2|3], a toon that appeared on Spielbergo’s yumcredible Amazing Stories TV shizz-ow. The music for it was dones up by Danny Elfman, and the characters? Dones up by none other than Tim Burton
Toole Shed: quite sadly, Anton Ego, Rat‘s mos deli-ish-YES evil food critic, marks only the 3rd toon venture that the mighty Peter O’Toole has lent his pipes to. The others? The Nutcracker Prince and a seriesof SherlockHolmesvids from ’83
Well to do man falls in love with Bronx girl. Girl kinda in love with man, but man is married. Man promises to divorce wife and marry girl, but promises aint no actual divorce. Girl moves on, but man doesn’t. Man getz beyond jealous and hires some henchmen to throw lye in her face. Girl loses her vision, man goes to jail. From jail, man keeps bothering blind girl. Man released from jail and girl and man… get married!?!?!? Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Yep, a true story so lurid that u should flock to this doc!
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers•
Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer Certainly Not Gold or Silver, But A Bronze Aint So Bad Trailer
Comic books are by nature stoopid stuff for kids… unless wees takin bout a graphic novels, but den again, adaptations of dem (eh hmmm 300) can be broker than employees of RE/MAX. Anywhozitz, the Fantastic Four are stoopid and their movies are equally as stoopid. Our thoughts on FF round 1 purty much match our thoughts on round 2: despite the cornball dialog, BEYOND appalling cast, and BEYOND terabyte terry-bull cast, it was not only NOT awful, but kinda entertaining. Those choice words only earned the 1st one a Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges tag, but #2 get extra bonus points for throwin in the Silver Surfer for added fun. Surfer was mos def ricker than slick, but he still aint as rad as T2‘s liquid T-1000, who turned 16 this summer. In closin I’d like to reveal that Jessica Alba has gots the same superpowers that her onscreen persona Sue Storm gots. While Sue can make herself and others invisible, Alba can make her acting skills invisible! Which doesn’t make a lick of sense considering she never had any skillz in the 1st place. Stick to the swimsuits and stripper poles, and keep yer mouth thighs wide shut!
Frost-e The Showman?: yes, that name you see in the credits under ‘screenplay by’, Mark Frost, is indeed the same man who co-created Twin Peaks. And whaaaaa? Who dat playing Dr. Jeff Wagner? Nun udder that Agent Dale Coop’s ex-partner Windom Earle!
Bein such a negative Nelly when it comes to comedies, I honestly believed that no other movie was going to topple Hot Fuzz [TWS.org review] from the year’s top spot in good humor. That is shlubvs course until I was wowed by Judd Apatow’s latest sex comedy, Knocked Up. I was wowed simply cause I didn’t expect to be. I was probably the only person on earth who didn’t have his hilarity hymen broken by The 40 Year Old Virgin [TWS.org review]. It may not have been as numb and number inducing as any Will Ferrell comedy, but it wasn’t anything earth or youranus shattering either. That film was solely carried by Steve Carell’s innocence, but his innocence has been utilized far greater in pretty much every other thang he’s been in, well, cept maybe in Sleepover. So based on Virgin, I wasn’t eggspecting too much from Knocked Up, hispecially being a Michael Scott Free-less production, and a Seth Rogen love fest. Boy was I wrong, cause with Rogen drivin this ship, and by ship, I mean Katherine Heigl’s amazin bod to motherhood, not only did hilarity ensue, but reality as well. Yeppers. Up is not only loaded with laughter, but it’s 526% more realistic than most comedies. When’s the last time you could actually identify with the characters in the comedy? If your answer is Horatio Sanz in Boat Trip, then please cut out your eyes, then cut your penis in half and then shove each half penis into your now empty eye sockets. See Knocked Up, NOW!
Know Ledge: Count Rogen, along with 8 other peeps, were nominated for an Emmy in 2005 for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program for their work on HBO’s Da Ali G Show
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Grant Show•
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Fool of Ship, I mean Full of Shit Trailer
After the barnacle debacle that was adventure #2 [one of our better reviews mt everest], I thought the Pirates franchise had nowhere to go but up. With #3, At World’s End (hell, it coulda been called Curse of the Jade Scorpion for all I care), the franchise doesn’t move up or down, but laterally. Seriously folks, if they projected #2 in the theater, under the name of #3, I wouldnta known the difference. They’re the same exact pointless movie: some pirate captain returns from the dead, they sail somewhere, when they’re done there, they sail somewhere else, the crew goes rrrrrrr, uglfied Naomi Harris cooks some voodoo chile, Tessek gets slimy, Orlando Bloom bores me to death, and Keira Knightley doesn’t give anyone a lap dance. And to make splatters worse, the only worthwhile thang about the whole Pirates universe, Captain Jack Sparrow, doesn’t even appear until 40+ minutes in! And the tease they tack on after the end credits [vid] wouldn’t even whet the appetite of Dom DeLuise after a 3 month hunger strike!! If they really wanted to make Pirates 3 something worth writing home about, or even worth writing to a prisoner about, they should let every character get lost at sea, cept Cpt Jack and his screen father, Keith Richards, who arguably chips in one of the greatestist cameos in film history, and let the two give us a RUM for our money
IMDb Sweeney: Keef has 2 udder film credits under his belt, ’69’s Michael Kohlhaas – Der Rebell and the ’72 experimental Film Umano Non Umano, alongside Mick and former flame Anita Pallenberg
Pirate Booty: you didn’t ask for it, but yer mos def gonna click on it… KEEF RICHARDS, NUDE! [NSFW, DUH]
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Richards and Depp barely save this sinking ship from total capsizement, so Not A Whole Lot O’ Merit But No Stinkin Badges Either•
Netflex: if you’ve never, or haven’t in awhile, peep one of the finest music films mt EVEREST, Alan Parker’s The Commitments. Hear Glen talk about that film here
Our finest President once said, ‘Fool me once… shame on… shame on you. Fool me… you can’t get fooled again.‘ I have no idea what he was blathering blatherskiting about, but then again, I really have no idea why nine years after the fact that Hal Hartley decided to make a sequel to his Cannes award winning indie gem de menthe Henry Fool. While it’s nice to see the Fool & the Gang back together again (including Liam Aiken, who played Klaus Baudelaire in the interm), and this time bein’ mixed up in some international mischief, along side Jeff Goldblum, Saffron Burrows and Telly [sorta NSFW], the end result is juss too messy to fully enjoy, even for the mos Foolhearted out there. One Fool was enuff, cause the second trip is somewhere between full of itself and runnin on empty
Netflex: indie sequels rarely work (Clerks 2 anyone?), but Indy sequels always do, so why not hit up Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade [trailer], which IMO, is even more mother superior than Raiders!
Apt MPupil3: Beatles‘ demoish versh of ‘Fool On The Hill‘ [d|vid]
John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges•
Dying for more of that James Urbaniak brand of Urbaniakness? Or perhaps yer still a bit thirsty after digging into Neil Burger’s jar-heading Interview with the Assassin. I thought you waz! So, why not try on this highly interesting photoshopped film about the fauxsassination of Resident Bush and the ‘what if’ aftermath. For being pure fiction, it’s almost a bit more thought provoking than Fahrenheit 9/11 [review], which was too darn liberal, even for this liberal!
This has only been my second year rizzle razzlin at the Tribeca Film Festival, three, if you count the House of Wax Dat A$$ screening where I stalked Cuthbert with a wooden mallet, and although I enjoyed most of what I peeped, I’d have to say that the selections from which to choose from wouldn’ta satisfied a mom who choosily chooses JIF peanut butter. I dunno if it’s just a lousy year, or that lastyear was bestierful than the Bestival, but anypoo, whithout further Freddy Adu…
Breast In Fest•
I Have Never Forgotten You: The Life & Legacy of Simon Wiesenthal [trailer]
Ever heard of Simon Wiesenthal? If the answer is yes, then you still need to see this. If the answer is no, go fork yourself you Nazi sympathizer, and then, when your have completed your self-forking, go see this engaging documentary on the notorious Holocaust survivor turned Nazi hunter, narrated by Nicole Kidman. Hell, the doc does such a good job of blending history and emotion that you may juss NEVER FORGET about it
In what could easily have been the biggest schmaltz fest since my mum’s matzoh ball soup, Where God Left His Shoes is the straight-forward yet very touching tale of a family fighting their way out of homelessness around Christmastime in NYC. Calling the shots is the always dependable John Leguizamo, but it’s his stepson, played by David Castro, that’s really stealing them. Think of it is a lower budget and way less Irish In America
If Julie Delpy was a bit more of a party girl and traded in poetic Ethan Hawke for neurotic Adam Goldberg, you’d end up with purty much something that resembles her rambling full length directorial debut 2 Days In Paris. Adorably Woody Allenesque for the first half and a complete mess by the second, this flick is still worthy of your yeux et oreilles!
release date: August 10th (limited)
•Sum Merit But No Stinkin Festival Badges•
The Air I Breathe
We’ve all seen Crash and therefore we’ve all already seen The Air I Breathe. If yer sick of flicks where the characters perfectly and coincidentally intertwine, then stay away. But if you can’t get enuff, then come on down and enjoy Brendan Fraser’s ninehead. This film will probably get released, which would be sad considering that Fraser’s far more entertaining ’06 Tribeca entry, Journey to the End of the Night [review], never got the chance
release date: ????
Blue State
Voting for Kerry, political blogging, and Breckin Meyer. Carnac sez, ‘What are three things that I don’t ever want to see in a film again after seeing Blue State‘
release date: ????
Purple Violets
A film by Edward Burns. ’nuff said
release date: ????
Doesn’t Even Belong In A Poop Festical•
DJ Spooky’s Rebirth of a Nation [clip] & D-Fuse’s Latitude
DJ Spooky, why on earth did you ever let D-Fuse open your show with 30+ minutes of boring to the 3728378127837nth degree sound and video? That crap on a stick knocked my brain off its moorings so fargin much that I could never fully get into and appreciate your DW Griffith remix thingie. Sorry bro, but next time, diffuse D-Fuse’s computer and maybe I won’t be so spooked to see you again!
18. Jul, 2007 
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