Thighs Wide Shut

Wordplay
Get It, It’s A Play On Words, But It’s Not!
Trailer
Released in NYC this Friday and nationwide (is on your side) 6/23

Crossword puzzles? Who the flip wilson wastes time on dem thangs anymo when Count Suduko dominates the world’s free time? Apparently everyone, from your mother, to the milkman yer mother’s bonin, to Jonnie Stewart, to the Indigo Dykes (no fences, but thats what I’ve been calling them since elementary school), to Ken Burns, to even big Bubba himself! Yep, and they all heart the NYTimes‘ c’words above the rest. And their messiah? The NYTimes‘ c’word editor Will Shortz, who, at IU, became the world’s only degree holder in Enigmatology (and no, he doesn’t study how repoopulous Jim Carrey was in Batman Forever as the Riddler/Edward Nygma)! Shortz is also the founder of the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament (think an adult spelling bee), which basically is a once a year safehaven for braniac losers of our fine country to unite and out down and across each other. So of course before we can get to the tourney, we have meet the quirky playas and the people who make their day, the quirky puzzle makers. Sounds purty zzzzzzz inducing, I know, but any fan of crosswords will be kept awake. As for the illiterate haters? Stay de hell away from the theater and beat off to Halo 2 in yer parent’s basement. WORD em UP, yo!!

Recommended for those who like: RPI’s greek life, Connecticut Marriotts, and cursed Yankee pitchers

Possible Porno Name: Foreplay, Word BOOTY!

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Cinemania [trailer] or pray the Game Show Network throws Wordplay a bone

Apt MPupil3: ‘Words’ by The Monkees [d]

IMDb Sweeney: crossworder Norman ‘Trip’ Payne was the 1st person to win 32K on the US shitdition of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

My Personal Flavorite Crossword Word: ‘OTTO’, as in, director Preminger/Mr Freeze

Remember WENN: we used to make Thighs Wide krossword puzzles? Y’all miss them or are you happy they said goodbye, like Tevin Campbell?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next time, the balcony is clothed…

Mini’s First Time
A Baldwin Lose-Lose Situation
Trailer
US Release Date – this summer? Fitting, since mos summer fare blows the donkey balls yer mother tickles with her tongue

Written like 3 back to back busted-arsed episodes of Entourage (wait, aren’t they all busted-arsed?), Mini’s First Time is a complete failure. You sit there and watch, waiting for it to be good, but it never quite delivers the goods. Mini’s First Time is exactly what you think it is: a girl’s first time. But instead of treating it as a coming of age story, it’s more like the becoming of a whore story. Our Mini is played by the one-note Nikki Reed, who seems to be a 17 year-old version of the lecherous anti-christ she played in the harrowing flick that make me never want to have kids, Thirteen. And this time around, instead of ruining the lives of people her own age, she’s turned her attention to ruining the lives of her heavily loose and heavily drunk mother and stepfather, Carrie-Anne Moss and Alec Baldwin, both respectively wasting their time. You see, for no particular reason, Mini decides to turn tricks and her first client juss so happens to be her stepfather. She goes through with it, but makes sure he doesn’t know its her. Hmmm, he muss be purty dumb to not even recognize his own stepdaughter’s voice. Anywho, shortly thereafter, it’s revealed that she was indeed his fuck for a night and the two embark on a hot and heavy relationship, which to me was so unsettling that I couldn’t get behind them, and thus, couldn’t get behind anything that transgressed from that point forward. They try their best to keep their affair a secret, but they realize that her mom/his wife is standing in their way of true happiness. Since both don’t want her disposed of, they attempt to drive her crazy so she can be admitted to Arkham Asylum, but of course, thru reasons that aren’t even worth my werds, they end up offing her. Blah, blah, blah. Detective Luke Wilson comes in and starts snoopin around and blah, blah, blah. Mini = MC Skat Kat + Poopie². Lettuce be spankfully that the first time won’t likely begat a next time.

Recommended for those who like: Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex, bearskin blankets, and the wit and wisdom of Dr Ian Malcolm

Possible Porno Name: Mini’s First Time

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Lolita [old | new]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Pretty Girls Make Graves’ by The Smiths [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Svetlana Metkina may not be a household name, but I bet many have screamed her name while JOing to her fine NSFW work in Barbarian

TFF Thighspotting: someone thought me mum was Mary Stuart Masterson’s mum, although my mum is 24234 times better lookin, I mean, where do u think I got my franztastic semitic-looks from?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Comeback Season
More Like GO AWAY Season
Trailer
US Release Date – can u say straight to video the rubbish bin?

Comeback Season plays a lot like the Father of the Bride series, cept they replaced Steve Martin with Ray Liotta and Diane Keaton with Martin’s Dirty Rotten co-star Glenne Headly. And once you’ve done that, yer jokes simply won’t fly, even if yer script was written by 1/5 of the Kids In The Hall, not that anything in his oeuvre as a director/writer has been anything to make note of. No disrespect to Mr Liotta, who owns the world’s breast/wurst cackle, and to Ms Headly, who is one of the mos underrated actresses around, and bythegay, is forkin smokin fly at age 51, but Comeback Season is excessively long, excessively lame, and is way too simple to even be considered a movie. But I guess I should say something nice. OK, Shaun Sipos has the illest name since Nick Kypreos, and could probably take any role that Nick Stahl or Kip Pardue turn down. Also, keep an eye and a thigh on Brooke Nevin. Her cheeks are so chipmunk that I want to fill them up with my sack of nuts! If you thought that that was funny, you’ve already laffed about as many times as I did during this screening boo-fest. If you didn’t lick my sack of nuts!

Recommended for those who like: Sears, Roebuck and Co., stoopid road trip games, and Tori and my’s HS rival, the Churchill Bulldogs

Possible Porno Name: Cum On My Back Season, which is not to be confused wit On Your Knees Season, although together they would make a great double (fisting) feature!

Unsatisfied with this? Take yer aggression out by Netflixing PS2ing GTA: Vice City, starring Mr Liotta, and a scummy cast of thousands five

Apt MPupil3: you’ve made my ‘Shitlist’ by L7 [d]

IMDb Sweeney: The mos random resume has gotta belong to Cinematographer Jamie Anderson. Bless the soul of anyone who got to work on Tron, Back To The Beach, AND The Girl Next Door, and of course, a zozen mothers ghetto klassics

TFF Thighspotting: with nary a sole in the audience, it was slim pickens, but I did spot a woman who looks like Dwight Schrute’s special lady friend, and the bastard who was responsible for this

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Civic Duty
Nate Fisher (Funkin Goes) Nuts
Trailer
US Release Date – hopefully never

It’s your Civic Duty to NOT see this movie. Ever. If Sunday’s screening was amateur hour, yet watchable, what be this dud about an unemployed accountant goin all sorts of gnarls barkley crazy cause his neighbor is Middle Eastern and therefore is Middle Eviliestest, amateur hour and 40 minutes? YEEEEEeeeikes!!! I’ve seen better Canadian made for TV movies, namely the gambling one with Cuthbest that Uncle G turned me onto, Lucky Girl (also know by its American title, My Daughter’s Secret Life). Look, I love Nathaniel Samuel Fisher Jr as much as the next gay guy, but unless yer a huge fan of perma-angry Nate, best to stay away. What waste of time to shine for the luminous Kari Matchett (the Invasion lady I’d mos love to invade), who chips in decent supporting work as Nate’s wife. I knew wees were in trouble when the producer of the film introduced it by saying that the feedback of previous CD TFF screenings were ‘interesting’. I knew wees were even more trouble then the box office gross of Nothing But Trouble when my movie date fell asleep 10 minutes in. I’ll admit, the ending was killer, a cop-out, but still a killer, but nothing coulda saved this sinking ship shit. Not even Mischa Barton getting eaten out by a monkey!

Recommended for those who like: ATM envelopes, Erlenmeyer flasks, and fake movie news channels

Possible Porno Name: Cervix Duty

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Rear Window [trailer vis Movie-list.com]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Paranoid Android’ by Radiohead [d] y ‘Paranoid’ by Black Sabbath [live d]

IMDb Sweeney: other movies with one 6FtUnderer & Invasionist, 2005’s The Longest Yard (James Cromwell & William Fichtner), Broken Flowers (Frances Conroy & Alexis Dziena), Havoc (Freddy Rodríguez & Alexis Dziena), and all though not fitting with the exact theme, Can’t Hardly Wait (Freddy Rodríguez & Lauren Ambrose… who knew?)

Thighspotting: Furio, of 2 Fast 2 Furio fame, was in attendance

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out ReDONKEYpoopulous

Bubble
Ocean’s 3
View Trailer

I was a bit weary of the thing that was Bubble, considering the last trip down no-budget lane for Steven Nederbergh resulted in the Cop & a 1/2 poop & a 1/2 fest known as Full Frontal, + it’s the first movie mt EVERest to be released simultaneously in theaters, on DVD, and cable (I watched it on HDNet), which could be beginning of the end of FUN in theaters as we know it!! But kids, this is, CANS DOWN, not only the finest movie of this young year (hispecially if yer a Chinaman), but Nederbergh’s Soderbergh’s best of his career!! Dr YEPPERS!!!! But peas take what I say with a grain of Willie Gault, considering I think every single thang he’s done is either highly overrated, overrated, or overrated, yet enjoyable (see: Erin Boobonovich). But seriously peepoles, this lil gem of a film filled with more non-actors than 41 years of Days of Our Lives is the kind of movie Nerdie should be making each time out, not My Celebrity Pals Zzzzzz: The Movie XIXVLMCXXI!! If I were Gawd, in which I am, I’d force Gus van Sant and Nederbergh to swap styles. Gus Gus would only make big budget fiascos (think bestness like his To Die For) and Nerdy Boy would only make lil artsy fartsy thangs like this!! Come to spunk of it, Bubble is a Gus van Sant movie, cept you don’t wanna slit your wrists after watching it waking up after the credits. KUDOS SODERLOSER!!!! You win me!! And so does the Guided by Bestness soundtrack, and a runtime of 73 minutes!! And after methinking about it for awhile, this whole release on every format at the same idear aint the wurstest idear I’ve heard that are idears!! That’s reserved for the naming of Planters’ testically snack!!! I mean, mos people live in shitty cities (read: anywhere outside of NYC, Rockville MD, and Huber Heights OH, America’s largest community of all brick homes) and don’t get a chance to see REAL movies when they’re released, or at ALL, and with this bidness model, people will and can and will wheaton dot net, and at the same time as cool people like myself, Mayor Bloomberg, Andy Rooney, and Joe Torreee!!! Now Mr Blogger Come Lately&alloverhimself living in the middle of nowhere can be the next Ebert or Mr Roper!!! How-eva, the same b-model shouldn’t apply to Michael Bayishtypesque films, unless we’re talkin’ Ocean’s 13, which shouldn’t been seen in theaters, but in the bottom of trashcans across America.

Possible Porno Name: Bubble Bath Boobies [NSFWness not to be confused with Bubble Bobble]

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix One Hour Photo, but NOT Death To Smoochy!

Further Fun: Visit the KFC where STAR Debbie Doebereiner once worked for 24 years and was discovered in the drive-thru window by the casting director. Editor’s snot: I even called to make sure that that was indeed the KFC she ate her weight/worked at!

Why We Fight
Military Industrial Not So Complex
View Trailer

Am I having déjà vu, or have I been beating off too long to Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View, cause I’ve seen this movie before!! I think it was called, I watched CNN, read a newspaper, and aint haven’t been living in a deep hairy cave that smells like tunafish since 9/11. DAT’s RIGHT YO! Eggspcting some sorta revelation about how our gov-mint is pulling the wool over our thighs?? Well you aint gonna get it cause you already know that the bozos in power loves fake wars and guns and hate Jews and are about as trussworthy as a g-mint headed by ‘Zeus’ Tiny Lister!! Fahrenheit 9/11 may have been the biggest piece of shit/propaganda since any of Leni Riefenstahl‘s Nazi joints, but at least it was entertaining!! Why We Fight lacks focus, discipline [aud], and anything remote-lee groundbreaking!! The archival footage and the usual talking heads do juss fine, but then we get this side crap about a father of 9/11 victim and some dumb kid who joins the Army cause he’s dumb, and both go more nowhere than Nowhere Man driving round a cul-de-sac in a no outlet court!! Since we can’t put an end to this endless don ONslaught of comic book movies, I think we the people of the United States of NOOOOOOOO [d-lode] muss declare a jihad on left-wing documentaries that say nothing new and only preach to their choirs!!! And where the fork are all the right-winger docs? I guess its hard to get em into theaters when Jews control the media, eh?

Possible Porno Name: Why We Fist, starring Bill Frist

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the far lake/mother superior Fog of War

Further Fun: Viddy Frank Capra’s Why We Fight propaganda series
[1 – Prelude to War]
[2 – The Nazi Strike]
[3 – Divide and Conquer]
[4 – The Battle of Britain]
[5 – The Battle of Russia Part I | Part II]
[6 – The Battle of China]
[7 – War Comes to America]

BONE-US BUBBLE BURSTER BABY BUGGY BUMPER!

Huzzah to Misty Dawn Wilkins
for yesterday you were a nobody like Dominique Wilkins
then Nederbergh plucked you
and now you are a somebody
with a nice lil body
although you had the body when you were nobody
mr boddy?
peabody
peabs’ body [evs]?
huh?
lemme do the misty mountain hop on yer grand tetons
or play Misty for me, Misty
or be my Mister
or I’ll be Mr Mister Master
kinda like Maj. Major Major Major from Catch-22 – Turk 182 = Threepenis opera

huh-zzah?