Thighs Wide Shut

In The Land of Women
The Big Shrill
Trailer

If you’re a girl who loved Adam Brody as Seth Cohen on The OC, you’ll probably be the only ones who could possibly walk away from this pointlessly melodramatic dreck fest with something positive to say. The rest of us, and the ladies with taste, will be running for the exits as soon as the end credits start their scroll. In the simplest of terms, In The Land of Women is a really really sad attempt at making a Garden Statesque flick, which itself, was a really really sad attempt at making a Graduatesque flick. Hell, I wouldn’t even classify Women as a film, but more like a 90+ minuted commercial selling a hipper than thou soundtrack. Me hactually bee leave that the writer and director placed more of an emphasis on the songs than the script itself. If that were true, it sure would explain a lot… although Olympia Dukakis and Makenzie ‘sister of that frumpy Spy Kids girl’ Vega do their best to keep this Lusitania afloat

Nepotisim does not always rule in the world of directors. While Nick ‘Son of John’ Cassavetes and Sofia ‘Daughter of that dude who directed Jack‘ Coppola have proven their worth, I still don’t buy into these other kids’ work. Many were fans of Jason ‘Son of Ivan’ Reitman’s Thank You For Smoking, but I wasn’t (wonder if it has anything to do with Adam Brody’s bit part in it?). Women was written and directed by Jon, son of Lawrence ‘I wrote the screenplay for The Empire Strikes Back‘ and brother of Jake ‘I directed Orange County so I guess that makes me a bona fide director’, Kasdan. And if you weren’t clear if Jon had actually directed the film, here are sum pics to prove it. I’m sure these papas are awfully proud of their brood, but I have to take out the ‘r’ and the ‘d’ and say boo. There are only so many movies that Hollywood releases per year, and while a majority of them blow worse than Durham prosecutors, is it really necessary for a percentage of those to be directed by these kids who grew up on a set? Time will only tell, so in he meanwhile I pray that David Fincher’s child follows in his footsteps and puts these other cats’ heads in a box

Thighmistress sez this about In the Land of Skinny, Hunched Over Bitches: Kristen Stewart officially makes me want to kill myself. Stand up straight and stop touching your face you WHORE. Oh, and when did Meg Ryan sign up for a crazy ass Botox face? This movie was chock full of annoying people, annoying situations, annoying pseudo-clever banter, and the only funny parts were with Olympia Dukakis as a shriveled up old hag who keeps reminding Adam Brody of her imminent death. I liked the scenes with Adam and Meg, however, their whole relationship was ultimately super weird and actually felt sort of creepy and Oedipal in the end. PS no one actually has huge emotional epiphanies while standing in the rain, seemingly unaware that they’re getting wet. In real life EVERYONE notices they’re getting wet. That’s what she said

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix daddy’s The Big Chill [trailers]

IMDb Sweeney: Kadsan mother Meg aint no slouch either! Bizatch was nominated for an Oscar. Wonder who’se film that was for!

Van HOT Damn!: I so want to habla con Elena Anaya, a NSFWer to keep an eye and a thigh on!

In The Land of Women opens in theaters this Friday
•
until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Namesake
Kumar Goes White
Trailer (probably the best I’ve seen all year)

Adapted from the vastly popular Jhumpa Lahiri novel of the same name, The Namesake is the Indian-American equivalent of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I don’t mean that it’s a dopey comedy filled with more stereotypes than a Michael Richards stand-up act, but it’s an exploration of an old world mixing it up in the new world, when second generation children grow up in a society much different than their immigrant parents did, and where each family member must figure out where their cultural identity lies.

Instead of a Windex spraying father and an overbearing mother, we’re invited into the lives of the more down to (planet) earth Ashoke and Ashima Ganguli (both eggceptionally played by Bollywooders Irfan Khan and Tabu), who were brought together by way of an arranged marriage and brought from thier native land to NYC in search of a better tomorrow. In a span of two fast-paced hours, we see the couple adapt to their new surroundings, be fruitful and multiple, and then watch their children as they turn more into everyday Americans than yesteryear Indians. It’s a lot of ground to cover in that time span, which is both the movie’s greatestist asset and weakness. Asset, cause the film never stops being engaging, but a weakness, cause it feels like some bits are glossed over or not even fully explored… that’s probably what made the book such a good read

So I’m sure you’re wondering about the name and the actor who plays him, for heaven’s sake. Well, Mr & Mrs Ganguli temporarily name their first boy Gogol, as in the Russian writer Nikolai, not as in Golgo 13. Hollywood stoner Kal Penn is refreshing in role of the culturally criss-crossed Gogol, but it’s not the kind of performance that you’d say is an absolute breakthrough, as I’m sure many had hope it would. I think it’s still possinle, but he would have keep working in more films like these and less in ones where he’s required to have a BA in Bong-ology. Either way, his future is looking quite bubbly for Kumar

Possible Porno Name: For Taint’s Sake

Mirar Nair: Nair directed the sultry ’96er Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love, which had Rome‘s Niobe gettin busy with the likes of Lost‘s Sayid. And yes, since tits about the KS, there’s plenty of NSFWness to go round!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): honestly, the trailer was better than the movie, but this thang is fo sho a Jeepers Worth A Peepers•

Music & Lyrics
Tone Definitely Not Worth Running To The Theater For
Trailer

This is like every other lame-brained rom-com you’ve ever seen, cept this one finally pits Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore in the ways of love and Mad-Lib Hollywood screenwriting. I bet Hollywurst is already trying to figure out a way to put Adam Sandler and Sandra Bullock into some sorta wacky boy meets grrrrl situation. Too bad they already used up that time traveling mail box idea! Anywho, Music & Lyrics is about nothing you need to concern yourself with, yet it’s still charming. Charming only cause of its leads and not with the material that they’re working with. This movie is a poopstain, but if you’re forced into it, like yours drooly, there are two things that make it OK to not slit your eyes, repoopulous stizz…

1) the beerlarious video for Hugh Grant’s Wham!ish 80s band Pop! (the em pee 3 can be found b-low)

2) the hotness that is up and coming on my face Haley Bennett

[more fapness can b found on HerSpace & GQ]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges•… which basically means it’s more entertaining than 300

Rental Round Up(dog)

Idiocracy
Trailer

Mike Judge’s his and her stair-a-cool Office Space follow up is and was the breastest rental of ’07/sorta-unreleased movie of ’06! Tis quite a shame that Fox had no faith in the film cause tits mo funny than the last 42 Frat-Pack films that were released! And yes, Earl Mann is da mann! Not only did he provided the VO for Idiocracy but he’s also one of the main voices for NFL films

and oh yeah, The Holiday blows wurster than a Tony Danza talk show. Jack Black tried to be serious, but I don’t think anyone really asked for it. Spreaking of, Tenacious D in ‘The Pick of Destiny’ was outta control bananas for the first 10 minutes. Sadly, the rest of the film was more of a grapefruit

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

300
What The Dilios?
Trailers & mo

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I loves me some mindless entertainment, but 300 is sain and plimply mindless. If yer as big a fan of HBO’s Rome, as yer beloved Thigh Mizzle is, then you will probably agree that this flick is not even as good as its wurstest episode… and for the record, there hasn’t been one single bad edish of the Lucius Vorenus-Titus Pullo funfest. Many have admitted that there’s no soul, heart or real emotion goings on in this big screen adaptation of this ‘beloved’ Frank Miller graphic novel, but it hasn’t seem to bother them (I guess they were also fans of Tarsem’s The Cell). Well, it bothers the hechinger’s outta me cause all the green/blue screen special effects aren’t the least bit impressive. So if a flick has no core and no shiny outside then it is truly nothing. Not for a lack of trying, but 300 is a total failure when you compare it to the other Frank Miller trip down cinema lane: Sin City [TWS.org review]. So why did Sin City rock and 300 suck my cock? Besides the obvious like the casts and directors 300 tries too hard to be serious that it’s laffabull… shit. It seems more like a dumb comic book movie than a graphic novel film. I was so annoyed by the cocky Spartans that I was secretly rooting for the Persians to webster slaughter them by the end of the first battle. Hell, there was more drama from the Spartans of Michigan State when they took my Terps to the wire at MSG in November than there was in this neverending slo-motion sword and sandal shit pic. But don’t take my word for it. I bet Captain Oveur‘s a big fan.

to sum up, or for those who skipped the first paragraph, 300 is a two hour poor man’s version of this redonkeylessly overproduced Marines commerish from yesteryear…

Possible Porno Name: Three Humpettes

Apt MPupil3: Sparta’s ‘The Most Vicious Crime‘ [d]

Gettin Graphic: Apparently director Zak Snyder can’t stop adapting, as the long gestating film version of Alan Moore’s classic graphic novel The Watchman is next on his docket

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I find no merit in the movie, but it’s not a complete zero, but since one-star flicks leo getz the same label as zeros… Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous•

and all apologies go out to Britain’s Amistadish Amazing Grace and Anthony Minghella’s modern day melodrama Breaking & Entering. We saw both of these 8+ mos before they were released in theaters and never got around to reviewing them. There’s a reason why it took so long for them to get to theaters and so I figure that that was reason enuff to not review them. While I’d say each are worth a peep, I’d also have to say that both are underwhelming

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Epic Movie
An Epic Waste of Time
Trailers & Mo

After takin in weeks and weeks of the opposite of weak fare leading up to the Globes and the AA nominations, yours Thighly decided it was time to see something fluffy and mind numbing, and perhaps even entertaining. Well, after peepin about 30 seconds of Epic Movie I was willing to trade in the escapism of a movie theater for escaping from the movie theater! YIIIIIIIIKES!! So for the first movie that I see from the ‘007 I’m all ready to declare it the wurstest of year! It’ll be purty hard to beat, but then again a release date hasn’t been set for Keenen Ivory Wayans’ The Munsters, so lettuce not declare any winners losers juss yet

Sure, I’m the toughest of tough cookies when it comes to comedies (tits a no-brainer that Blades of Glory is gonna be a hannah-shit-storm), but ya gotta truss me on this one that only the parents of the filmmakers are gonna find this funny. After one early Doritos joke that made me chuckle alound, I decided to keep count of the laffs. 1 hour and 20 some odd minutes later, the finger count remained the same!! The jokes were lamer than lamerer. They’re so dated that in 5 years, no one will even understand what they’re even pokin fun at

There were only five thangs that I got outta this, and none of them had to do with laffing:

1) Darrell Hammond’s pirating of Cpt Jack Sparrow has got to rank among his bestest imitations

2) the sandra oh so adorable Jayma Mays‘ first lead role is a complete waste of her talents. Not so much her fault, unless of course she read the script before filming began, but they basically turned her into an unfunny redheaded version of Anna Faris. Oddly enuff, the two will be in Gregg Araki’s follow-up to his uber-brills Myserious Skin [TWS.org’s mini-review], Smiley Face

3) Christopher Guest regulars Jennifer Coolidge, Fred Willard & Jim Piddock are about as pathetic in this poo-fest as they were in For Your Consideration [TWS’s poo-review]. Go figure

4) Kal Penn is the Indian Samuel L Jackson. He never turns down a movie. Lettuce hope The Namesake [trailer] will redeem all

& frynally

5) Biggest missed-casting in recent memory (notice I didn’t spray ‘miscasting’): letting the usual money bags mcgee Johnny Depp ruin the legend of Willy Wonka, when Crispin Glover would been a wiser choice for the Tim Burton remake. See pic above for what geniusnessness that mighttta been

Unsatisfied with this?: yeah, dumb sure you were, so Netflix one of the more LOL stoopid slapstick flicks of recent memory, Scary Movie 4 [Trailer|TWS.org Review]… no, seriously, you should

Possible Porno Name: Epic Sploogie

Apt MPupil3: how bout something on Epic Records… like anything by Peter Gallagher [tunes on hispace]

IMDb Sweeney: Is Groovy the new Alan Smithee?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…•

Inland Empire
RUN FOR THE SHORES!!!
Trailers & Mo

David Lynch is tres best. He’s a genius and I admire him more than any living director. Lynch hit an all time creative and public high with his last joint Mulholland Drive. Who doesn’t love failed TV pilots that turn into sue-pa mysterious lesbian best fests? Well, with nowhere to go but down, Lynch decided to go further down than Moses did. Eurgvrhcshnsnhtrt!!! PLEASE, NEVER WASTE A SECOND OF YOUR LIFE THINKING ABOUT SEEING THIS ‘FILM’ and if you did see it NEVER WASTE A SECOND OF YOUR LIFE THINKING ABOUT THIS ‘FILM’. YOU WILL SPANK ME FOR IT LATER. Why o why would I say such large words? Well, here’s a recap of the film’s story, and it should purty much tell you what you’d be missing (besides the three hours one would NEVER get back)…

A record plays in black & white as a Polish whore with a blurred out face talks about not knowing what the fork is going on to a man with a blurred face (this one sentence purrfectly sums up what yer about to read, so if that was too much for you, stop now, otherwise, have fun!). Then something happens and then we see a woman sitting on a couch in a room crying, kinda watching TV or some kind of reflection in the TV and for some reason three people in bunny suits are on the TV, sitting in a room talking about things bunnies would never talk about, like stuff AND things when finally, the talk stops and one of the bunnies leaves the room and turns on the lights in another room where two Polish men are talking about things AND stuff. Maybe Lynch shoulda taken a page outta the recent Sopranos seasons and juss have the characters watch movies and TV shows that are more interesting than the show itself. Anywho, it’s now bright and sunny and Laura Palmer’s freaky arsed mom is walking down the street in broad daylight, lookin like Skeletor’s sister and pays a visit Laura Dern’s house where they have tea and talk about some movie Laura Dern’s character may be in and then Laura Palmer’s mom proceeds to tells her some really boring fairy tales that are about one sentence long each. Then Laura Palmer’s mom tells her that yesterday is tomorrow and tomorrow is the new Thursday and brown is the new pink. Then she points to a couch and Laura Dern is then sitting on the other couch. She’s like David Blaine, but with less friends. Then for some reason, Laura’s friends appear and Larua gets a phone call from her agent saying she got the part in the movie. The ladies all jump up and down and then down and up! Then Laura Dern meets with the film’s director (Jeremy Irons), writer (Harry Dean Stanton), and her co-star (Justin Theroux). They all laff and giggle and then the lead actors go on an Access Hollywood type show hosted by Laura Dern’s real life mom and talk about the possibility of banging each other. This is sorta how For Your Consideration played out, cept it was 1/2 the runtime or talk of bangin, but the jury is still out as to which one I’d rather see a second time. Then Julia Ormond goes to the police station and sez she’s going to kill someone with a screwdriver and then she lifts her shirt and then we see that the screwdriver is lodged in her stomach! OH SNAP! Then we’re on the film set where the writer, director, and stars are sitting down, rehearsing a scene, when the director and writer reveal that the movie is actually a remake and the orginal was never finished cause the lead actors were killed and it was more cursed than Lucius Vorenus on Rome. Then everyone is distracted when Dean Stanton spots a person walking in the background of the darkened set. Justin Theroux gets up to see if he can find this person, but to no avail. He has cool eyebrows and sideburns though! Then I think some things happened and then Laura Dern and her strange Polish husband have a party where her strange husband tells Justin T that bad shit will happen if he porks his wife. Then we go back to the set where Harry Dean Stanton asks for some money from Laura & Justin T. They give him some and then the movie continues! Laura Dern starts to blur reality and the role she’s playing. Then more things happen and then Laura Dern goes down an alley and sees some markings on a door and goes in and then all of the sudden she’s on the set that she was on before and sees Justin T searching for the mystery person on the set, but the person turns out to be her, and she see’s her husband on the set and then she hides in a house on the set. Then more things happen and now Laura Dern keeps going to Poland and keeps returning to the house on the set or something and then we don’t see Jeremy Irons or Harry Dean Stanton for like 6 hours or stuff. Then Laura Dern meets like 8 women who seem like valley girls who gab about some guy and then get up and start dancing to the song ‘Locomotion’. Laura Dern then goes to Poland or some place with snow and Polish people and climbs some stairs to an office where this dude with tilted glasses listens to her talk about something that has nothing to do with things or stuff. At some point in the middle Laura Dern goes to a house where Justin T is and she sez that she loves him but his wife is there who’s Julia Ormond and neither Julia nor Justin are havin this and they both start yelling and slapping Dern. Then she returns to the house on the set and then goes to Poland again and then more stuff. Somewhere in here we learn that her Polish husband is an animal trainer for some Polish circus and that he sometimes has a 5-o’clock shadow and things and a BBQ where people punch each other and can’t find the toilet paper. Also, there was a lot of lamps and flashlights used and more lamps and more flashlights here, there, and most everywhere. Then we learn that those Locomotion dancing valley girls are actually Hollywood whores and Laura Dern is now on the street with them walking about as Beck’s ‘Black Tambourine’ plays which is odd cause Lynch barely ever uses current popular music in his films. Then Laura Dern takes out a screwdriver from her pocket and then Julia Ormond comes outta nowhere, runs across the street, grabs the screwdriver and stabs Laura Dern and the hookers run away and Laura Dern falls over between a black chick and an asian chick who are talking about going to Pomona by bus and a friend with a blond wig and a monkey and multiple vagina holes (the girl, not the monkey). Then Jeremy Irons yells cut and we’re back on the set for some reason but Laura Dern doesn’t seem herself (probably cause she’s playing 3834812834 characters and none of them are any that I care about or have any idea who or what or is or sometimes y). Anywho, Dern walks off the set and into a movie theater where she sees parts of the movie being replayed (WHY GAWD, WHY?) and then the dude with the tilted glasses appears in the theater and on the screen and walks upstairs where Dern soon follows. Then some things stuff and then stuff some things. One of those things somewhere in there was when Laura Palmer’s mom reappears in Laura Dern’s house and Dern is no longer on the other couch today but on the one she was originally on yesterday. Then Dern walks down some hall and enters a room where the crying girl from the beginning has been chillin. They kiss and then Laura Dern vanishes into thin air. At some point we see the bunny people again, but it doesn’t matter cause they is juss bunny people, even if one of them has Naomi Watts’ voice. Then that crying girl does things AND stuff and then Laura Dern goes down a hall and sees some Polish man that we’ve seen be
fore but have no idea who he is or what he’s up to so she pulls a gun on him and begins to shoot and then his face turns into a scary clown version face that looks like hers and I think stuff happened and then the screen sez ‘Written and Directed by David Lynch’ as we see some chicks sitting in a house and one of them happens to be a girl in a blond wig with a monkey (sorry kids, no shots of the multiple vagina holes). THE END. I think I left a bunch o details out, but does it really matter when stuff and things actually make more sense than anything in this 3-hour movie?

Inland Empire is by and large and small David Lynch’s wurstest movie EVER. Maybe IE is the opposite of Mulholland Drive, where it’s a failed movie that could turn into a thumcredible TV pilot. Lettuce hope for mankind’s sake that that question remains unanswered, like the other queries, such as, ‘Why Lynch?‘ and ‘What the fu%k was that Lynch?‘ and ‘Lynch, for your next movie could you please figure out a way to refund my $11 and 3 hours of time?’ If anyone out there thinks that this movie is ‘brilliant’ you obviously love shitty digital video, Polish circus peformers, and the wurstest parts of every David Lynch movie rolled into one long long long unnecessary exercise in inducing headaches and/or snooze-fests on veiwers. And if you are one of those people who think like that, I pray that your penis and/or vagina never get touched again

Unsatisfied with this?: yeah, I’m sure you were, so Netflix another mind bendin’ bunny movie that makes little sense, but at least it makes a little as opposed to ZERO cents, Donnie Darko [Trailers]

Possible Porno Name: In-Hand, Damp Spire

IMDb Sweeney: Ian Abercrombie, who plays Laura Dern’s butler, can also be seen butling on Desperate Housewhores, the short-lived Birds of Prey as Alfred, Jurassic Park: The Lost World, Garfield 2 & many many others

Win, Place or Show: Yes, Inland Empire is really a place!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I can’t bee leave you made me do this Lynch, but yer ‘movie’ is one of the mos aptly awarded Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous of balls thyme!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…•