Thighs Wide Shut

– Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game HERE! [via Navi via BeantownSportsGuy]

– If Jamie Foxx doesn’t win the Best Actor Oscar, Chris Rock is going to steal one ‘ from one of the sound or light people that win and give it to him.’

– Audrey Tautou possib on board for Opie’s da Da Vinci Code. Look, I love the wide-eyed French femme, but is this going to make the movie too sugary and cutesy? Regardless, the only thing that would keep me from seeing it would be if they cast Vince Vaughn.

– Last week during the Inauguration festives, CBS shmaltz specialist Steve Hartman headed to DC in search of President Bush in the flesh. Along the way he petted an armadillo, sat on a cow, paid a visit and cash to a scalper, took in a Hilary Muff performance, and yes, finally caught a glimpse of The Double-U himself.

– Have you been terribly jonesing since the days that fat Star Wars Kid took over the world (the Psycho remix is a personal flav)? Well, I guess we could call this a sequel [speakers ON]. And by this, I mean a fat kid gettin all jiggy to a Romanian techno song, on a webcam. Gawd bless the internerd. [much loved link via Ceffle]

– And whilst wees at-at it, why not take a peep at this video remix thingie about how messed up our gov’mint is. [via Juwanamaker]

– Five Things You Didn’t Know About Natalie Portman, but really won’t care to remember either!

– Is the world really ready for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo? Well, I know my dad is.

– Noel Gallagher hates Christmas.

– Nevada Judge Throws Out Lap-Dance Law

– Cuthbert pic w/NSFW see-thru top? Sounds too good to be true, cause it probably is… [via Clevetown Mustard King] Instead, how bout something so real, it’ll make you wet your pants in a good way, like its twin pic did to you last go around…

– Forget about following what those “professional bloggers” are reporting at the DNC. Just czech out what our man the Shoppe of Products Keeper has scooped up.

– And is Vincent Gallo the creepiest Republican ever? [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Weezer, say it aint so: New York Subway Stop Names For Sale?.

– To Hell with Lohan’s Herbie: Fully Loaded, cause Toyota’s going to unleash a real car with real emotions. Scare-E shiz. Maybe we should have listened to Will Smith’s proclamation of Them, Robots.

– The Archdukes invade the Roseland Ballroom on September 9th. Tickets go on sale this Friday at noon. Get em before all the hipster bloggers beat you to em!

– Everyone’s one stop shop for a$$holeism, SiegHeil.de has a new look… being redirected to Shoa.de, a site dedicated to exposing the horrors of the Holocaust.

– My boy Wanamaker is fit, but don’t he know it! He’s the one smiling in the lower left-hand corner.

– If yer rich, marry me, but also peepage what my girl Chillary “My Last Name Really Isn’t” Johnmis on CNN has to say about bling-bleaux travel and leisure.

– Saddam loves muffins and cookies, gardening, and penning poems about GWBusch. He’s more American than Amerigo Vespucci.

– Words. Lots of words.

– VMA noms announced. Yer umhumble Thigh Master has declared a jihad on the VMAs ever since the Gorillaz’ “Clint Eastwood” video lost to Mudvayne for the M2 award in 2001.

– Jenny McCarthy to star in a Dirty movie that she also wrote and her husband will direct. If her boobs aren’t in it for 68/69nths of the time, I’ll demand my money back.

– Calculate how much booze you’ve downed in yer life here. [Link via Randall Palms]

– The Steven Segal Official Fan Club. Don’t sign up all at once now! [Link 1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]

– And don’t read this before lunch or visiting yer dentist: Dentist Allegedly Injected Semen Into Patients’ Mouths. [Link via Guns ‘n’ Rosenthal]

The When: Thighsday Nite

The Where: El City, Webster Hall, home to many bridge and tunnel folk

The What: Franz Ferdinand knocking the balls to the wall!

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Yep, I’m afraid to admit it, but Franz Ferdie is the real deal, unlike Buster Douglas’ Knockout Boxing on Sega Genesis. They is mos def the greatest thing to be exported from Scotland since Trainspotting. Peace out Strokes, cause yo days are numbered. Hope you didn’t spend the money that your daddy saved up for you.

Long story short: me missed the boat on FF tickets so me was forced into the world of Craig’s List and eBay price gouging. Me was too busy at work to deal with this crap so me girl Megbot stepped up to the plate like she was Cecil “F-in” Fielder and scored some reasonably price gouged tickets. Too bad she must have eaten turkey burgers, cause el Megbot got food poisoning and couldn’t even go to the show!! (insert unhappy face) Enter the Thinker. His a$$ is about to be exported to the land mass known as Europe and what a killer way to send em off, eh? Ich heisse Su-per-fan-tas-tisch!

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Yesterdaze just so happened to be the very beginning of monsoon season in El City and I didn’t wear me rubbers or carry me trusty umbrella. So I got completely drenched on my way to pick up the tickey-ick-ets. To make (family) matters worse, when el Thinker and myself arrived at the venue, we realized that this wasn’t yer daddy’s Franz Fizzlnand concert. The place was packed to the gills with hipsters of all shapes and sizes. Most of them fell under these stereotypes listed on this handy Hipster Bingo board. We had to elbow our way to the bar where we set up shop for the next hour… I mean, FF only has one album of material, so wees weren’t eggspected a 3-hour Phish crap-a-thon. Now I can deal with $7+ beers, but I guess me needs some tips from Mandy Moore if I want to learn how to deal without A/C. El Paso, Tejas needs to be stripped of its newly bestowed title, Swamp-Ass Capital of the US, cause without A/C, my grundle area won that title in about 4 seconds. But hey, this is FF and if they can make all the jaded hipsters dance, then I’m going to shake my a$$ too, like I was in that “Rump Shaker” video by Wreckx-n-Effects.

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The highlights of their energetic, pitch-perfect, hour long set included: the “Hava Neglia” guitar riff in “The Dark of the Matinee”, playing my FFFT (favorite Franz Ferdinand tune) “Tell Her Tonight”, me coming and dancing to their heteroflexible ditty, “Michael” (Editor’s note: ‘Michael’ is such an awful first name, right?), and of course, amassing more swamp a$$ per minute than I did during Coachella Part I, II, or III! Long live frozen chocolate covered bananas!!!