Thighs Wide Shut

My T-Mobile sponsored T-Giving weak is frinally over. It can all be summed up in these minimal words: pies inhaled, balls bowled, footballs footed, necks injured, and Her Current and Former Royal Thighnesseses playing cock-footsies with me under the table during the feast. And what kind of human would I be if I didn’t thank all mi familia and friends for being some of the breastestest peoples on Earth, if not all of Maryland. Anywho, lettuce get this party started once again…

– What do you do when Fox News is yer daddy? You make SportCenteresque commercials. I guess I’d rather watch Christiane Amanpour get all silly nilly than Stuart Scott.

– UK’s fab Top of The Pops (think a besterer American Bandstand) show is being demoted from BBC1 to BBC2. Me don’t really care. Me just want dem Brits to put it back on BBCAmerica! I mean, where else am I going to see a group of teenagers sing ABBA songs AND be respected?

– Why do people keep employing Jeff George? That’s like letting Marion Barry back into politics… again and again.

– Trainspotting scribe Irvine Welsh to give film directing a go. That’s like letting Marion Barry back into politics… again and again.

– Is there anything better than the ACC? Yeah, the ACC without VTech, Miami, and BC.

– Hopefully this dude with extra digits on his hand AND foot has an alibi for the death of Inigo Montoya‘s father. If not, prepare to die.

– Me thinks the new U2 album friggin rocks is really good. Its scattered, smothered, and covered in elements of all of their previous albums for any fan to enjoy. Stand out track be ‘City of Blinding Lights’ and am I the only one not sick of ‘Vertigo’ yet? And why do I have this sudden urge to buy an iPod?

– Wanna know why Alexander is a flop? I mean who wants to see a movie about a guy ‘as gay as a maypole‘ or who ‘was defeated only once – by Hephaestion’s thighs.” [via Big Bad Boggle Player]

– New York’s changing.

– Dem school children may want their teachers to leave them alone, but I think they’d be much happier with some Pink Floyd royalties. I mean, how can they have any pudding if they don’t gots any cash?

– Jaleel White, the New Kid on The Blogck. [via Navi The Dukie]

– Redskins still in the playoff hunt… and somehow so are the 1-10 SF 49ers!?#?!?#@!?$

– Sandy Cohen better find himself a good Patent Attorney, cause these motherstickers are selling Chrismukkah cards without his permission. Lettuce juss pray that they don’t go further with this whole Easterover crap.

– And finally, the three finalists to portray Lois Lane in the upcoming Superman flick are: Kate ‘Brian’ Bosworth, Claire ‘You Bore Me’ Danes, and Elisha ‘Lord of the Thighs Cuthbert. Is this even a competition? You mean to tell me that Superman would think for a second about spreading his supersperm in Angela Chase or that lame a$$ girl from Blue Crush? Well if any of the producers are reading this and they want lots of free publicity, the choice is bovious… and if that happens, I’d also like to play Superman and add 31,2,36456,54,31856 sex scenes to the script.

– PEACE the fork out el creator of Flash! Send some shimmy-yas to ODB when you see him.

– Boo.

– The gawds muss be crazy to allow MTV Africa.

– MAJOR PROPS deLeon go out to my grrrrl Ultra and her nifty book deal! [via the Gid]

– Ricky Gervais, the mos modest man around.

– Who knew there were clouds on your anus? [via Marvcus Patton the II]

– Only a video game could make Monica Bellucci look awful.

– I love the guy, but I really don’t think of Tom Hanks when I read Robert Langdon’s adventures. Does that mean they’re going to dig up Jessica Tandy to play the French chick?

– I know my b-day was a week ago, but does someone wanna drop 10K so me can finally own my own Scoreboard w/Jumbotron? [via Navi the Terrible]

– Having trouble stalking B-Real or Sista Soulja cause u don’t know their real names? Click here for that AND more! [via Cubs Fan #1]

– Jack White, in lengthy interview, sez album #5 to be recorded soon and with a possible release next year. And in the meantime, pre-order their Live DVD and get a free Tee!

– U2 to tour America staring in March. The only known date is March 1st, somewhere in the state Florida. [via The Shopppppeee]

– Spoon to play a few Texas shows in early December and Britt Daniel is going it alone November 26th at Maxwell’s in Ho-broken. More details here.

– Biff Tanner, from Back To The Future, pop art-teest at large? [via Gumbo Gomby]

ApParently Trap, we now have a sports section:

– After delivering on of his breastest diatribes of the year, Andy Rooneyski laid an egg this week with his take on what needs to be changed in sports today. And although the NFL is the finest organization (besides TWS.org) in the world, I do agree with his notion that, “It would be illegal for an NFL game to go past 7 p.m. on Sunday night and intrude on 60 Minutes.” Amen brother curmudgeon man.

– Sure the Redskins lick five day old microwaved tunafish sandwiches, but I never give up hope… well at least until their officially eliminated from the playoff race.

– Giants fans’ prayers have finally been answered: get ready for Manning Version 2.0.

– To Hate Duke or To Love Those HOMOwners? That is the question. Either way, the Terps and their fans RULE, so eat a dick Matthew Waxman for saying otherwise. [all(aboard) via The I-Train]

Back to crap…

– Crazy Kent? More like LAME-HO Kent.

– Click me for a SFW video that appears NSFW (Windows Media Stizzle) [via My Man Marvkus]

– Beavers Weave Stolen Cash Into Dam [via Time Werespanko]

– And in closing, Stephen King really has a hard-on for our belovededed Cuthy Cuthbertenson. He first mentioned her last month by saying, ‘For every pretty, talented Elisha Cuthbert there is a Paris Hilton and her little dog, too.‘ Well, in his ultra-lame-o monthly EW column, he mentions how thankful he is for a new season of 24 filled with Kiefer Sutherland’s loud breathing, and then added, ‘Elisha Cuthbert is the best supporting actress on TV. Case closed.‘ Look, I’d bone Cuthy 14 ways from Wednesday, but I’m sure there are better supporting actressess out there (think that hippo woman from The Practice). I bet Stephen some how incorporates his love for Cuth-above-the-rest-bert in his next book. I can see it now: The Author Who Love Elisha Cuthbert. Either way, BACKDAFORKUP nerd boy, cause she’s all mine… or whoever that guy she’s engaged too.

What a great day today was today.

Not only did my belovededed Redskins actually win a fooball game today, but today I won a 80s Redskins sweater I’ve been yearning for for many years and many todays! Here’s is a picture of my belovededed Joe Gibbs wearing the sweater, not today, but from yesteryeartoday.

IF NOV. 7 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You’ll be so grateful for what this year brings [like that wicked case of oral herpes I got?] — and your gratitude helps multiply your good fortune. [I always do thank my clients after giving them BJs and HJs] Next month features the games people play, and you love a good game! [well i do love a good game of Connect Four] Plus, you’re so adept at learning the rules and strategizing to optimize results. That’s why your career takes off in January. [when I resume my breakdancing career] A major relationship choice is featured in June. [awesome, can’t wait to get laid… in JUNE!] Your lucky numbers are 1, 9, 24, 39 and 52. [bullshit, my lucky #s are 7, 11, 13, 22, 1977, 2001, 2112, and my pin #]

Thanks to all who made the trek out to Queens on Saturday for my Sausage Fest B-day at the Bohemian Beer Garden, hispecially the cameos made by Joe E Tartar, RayKwan the Chef, and Meggghannn!! With last weak end’s big hoorah in DC and all this past weak end’s meat & beer filled sheninagans, this was one of me mos favoritistic b-day mr everest!!!

I’m seeing red and way too much of it. Look at that friggin map of electoral votes. Would you want to live in any of those red states? I is proud to say that I don’t and that me won’t ever will. At least we all know where the North ends and the South begins. BLESS YOU my belovededed MARYLAND & DC!! And go eat a huge dick covered in chopped liver Virginia. And oh yeah, Ohio, take yer retarded looking flag, throw some microwaved tuna fish/kitty litter on top of it, and eat a bigger dick than Virginia and Dick Cheney. Yer dead to me now. The only thing you have to offer our country is the football hall of fame and that fine Stadium Mustard.

Anywho, lets think positive here folks. Maybe by 2008, Iraq will be a State and get 3 electoral votes! That can only help the Demos, I mean Hillary Clintonian. GO BABY!!! Once yer in the White House you can get finger-banged by interns to get back at Bill! And did I really want to marry my ultra flaming gay boyfriend or have that back alley abortion before 2008? And when I woke up this morning I felt sooooo much safer than I did they day before! I’ve already thrown out my post apocalyptic survival kit and tell every Muslim looking person I see on the street, ‘BRING IT ON TOWELHEAD CAUSE WE’RE AMERICA AND WE RULE’.

I would like to thank the following people for NOTHING:

– Michael Moore, for making a one/lop-sided documentary that only preached to the choir. Yer movie doesn’t mean shit now. Next time try to be a lil more fair & balanced and maybe you can convince people who actually need to be convinced.

– Howard Dean, for making an a$$ out of himself after the Iowa primary. You basically scared the crap out of people and left us with a bunk-a$$ed candidate. If one positive thing can be salvaged from yer ‘campaign’, it would be dem amazing ‘Yearrrrrrrrrrgh’ remixes.

– Tucker Carlson, for keepin the bowtie dream alive. Why did you have to peace the fork out on us Senator Paul Simon??

– The News, for boring the crap out of America. You all almost forced us to watch wretched reality TV instead. ALMOST!!!

– Al Gore, for inventing the Internet.

– George Bush, for inventing the Internets.

– Idaho Senator Michael Crapo, for having the greatest surname and for mcnabbing 100% of the vote in yer race!!

– And finally, ME, for making awful predictions like the Cardinals winning in 6 games, or saying the regardless of history, the Redskins and Kerry were a lock last Friday. Basically Jar-Jar Binks and I single handed-lee ruined it for all of us and now the Sith gov-mint has control of the Senate too. SEND IN THE CLONES!!!

As time passes, birthdays mean less and less to me, but I end up having prolonged celebrations. What used to be a day at Chuck E. Cheese’s has now blossomed into multiple weeks of festivities. I now do a Maryland and NY b-day thang. And as my b-day looms on the horizon (this Sunday for all you gift givers), this past weak end was dedicated to roots of del Thigh Master.

Friday night I headed solo (long story) like Han to the lovely Ottobar in a rather shady area of Bal’more, Merryland (but hey, isn’t all of Bal’more shady?). I was there to catch my flavorite band of the moment: The Fiery Furnaces. After peeping their majestic medley-laden amazingness at The Bowery B-Room back in late Zeptember I knew I had to see them again (and again x3471). Does that make me the band’s only groupie? Probably, but so be it. Anywho, I was glad to get there b4 the FFs took to the stage, so I could czech out the gay hotttness of the The Hidden Cameras. Think Belle & Sebastian, but even butter, and maybe even gayer. As for the main event, Matt & Eleanor Friedberger-Furnacesness, with help pitched it from Andy Knowles & Toshi Yano, once again electrified the crowd with one of the finest live shows out there (surely toe-tappingiest). I won’t go on and on about how I pray to them 5 times daily, but you have to pick up their latest, Blueberry Boat (destined to top Thigh’s breastest albums of the year), and catch them live. And for the record, I’d like to note that Matty Friedberger looks like a handsomerer version of John Kerry, and I want to have Eleanor’s babies.

Saturday was a day of pure gluttony (but that’s pretty much every day for me). With Mama, Papa, and Sister Master in tow, we headed up 30 miles north into the Merryland ‘boonies’ to the closet mecca of down home eats. We started off with some Cracker Barrel craziness including sitting on the rocking chairs, playing the peg game, and having the fam watch me devour some of dat chicken fried chicken smothered in gravy. After that, although there was no room left in my stomach, we went up the road to Waffle House for some pecan waffle dessertness. YUM! Many hours and moons later, my mum pieced together a b-day dinner for the ages. I mean why go out to eat when mumsy can cook better than Martha Stewart, Rachael Ray, and Mrs Field’s combined!! Everything from flank steak to sweet potato pie to potato latkes to mustard soup to creme brulee was inhaled over 3+ hrs. What a mos purrrrrrrfect warm-up to Thanksgiving (the Thigh’s all-tim flav holly-day). Bless you mum and bless you dad for marrying mum. And bless you both for doing the nasty so I can enjoy yer greatness as peoples… and mum’s cooking.

Then it was Sunday. With an extra hour of sleep under my belt, I headed out to the city formerly known as Raljon to catch my belovededed Redskins do damage… to themselves. BOOOO!!!! Start Ramsey!! Well, at least I got to see Farve play at least once before he retires (at least!!!), and we can all sleep easy now cause Kerry will win on Tuesday for sure (or whenever the smoke clears) cause histiry SEZ so. And how could I forget to mention the stooopendous 10am tailgate! I must have chowed down at least 127314643 sausages and pecan twirls with the great company of Hofpenis, Guns n’ Rosenthal, Krazmataz, Minky, and the one and only Todd Slanderous. Thanks to everyone who made the pre-B-day weak end filled with more food, folks, and fun than any human can handle… unless of course yer first name is Thigh. FOOD COMA FOREVER!!! The only regret is not dressing up for Halloween, but why even try when Ross K Doji had the one costume to rule them all…