Thighs Wide Shut

No longer can I say ‘Is it football season yet?’
cause it’s
FOOTBALL SEASON
aka
Joe Gibbs Rd 2, Vol II
aka
16-0
and an XL Super Bowl WIN
in Super Bowl XL

not sponsored in part by
XL Recordings, Capital, or Clothing
or Ciatrick Fason
Speaking of autopilot, I feel some morose remorse for these two guys in my third fantasy fooball draft who let the cumputdders do their slim pickens for em. Peyton and Dante are solid #1 picks, but why on earth would a cumputdder in 2005 think that both of these teams would also need to sign SEVEN additional back-up QBs EACH?!??! I mean, has Kyle Bowler been drafted in any draft? Damn, it’s a bit drafty up in herrrrrrrrrrre.

But before we delve into the real sports season-ed fries, lets drop and pop to the hotness that has been the US Thighs Wide Open. Anyone for Tennis? Wouldn’t MSG tickets be NICE, but for now I’ll settle for the Nick Goings on at Arthur Ashe Can Andy Stadium. Did you see the igass that Agassi displayed last noche? He not only won in dramatic fashion (does anyone ever say ‘comedic fashion’? or citarick fason?), but set a record for being the tennis player who mos resembled Ed Kowalczyk for the 2 million billionth time! Way to go you Steffi Graf-Zeppelin worshiper!! Juss remember Andre 2000, I alone love you, fear is not the end of this!

And whatta bout the loverly Tia Maria Sharapovaria? Besides wearing the same outfit day after day as a sign of solidarity with my unemployment movement, she’s been kicking glass all up in Queens Blvd like she was Vinnie Chase in the rain. And she’ll surely provide some grand PM beatoff material this Friday as she faces off groans her moans on like Ryan Moats vs Princess Fiona in the semis. It couldn’t have let me cum at a better time cause her stock as HRT the IIIrd has taken a worser beating than the one the Skins endured vs the Bears in 1940. How has me cum to this? Cause a certain 20 fags a day/newly minted GQ lady of the year has slowly but thighedly becummed the next lady in waiting…

Lettuce all pray that in 10 yrs time, I’m not bowing my dong to Hayley Westenra, the suppose-id next CC

Back to the grill again…

• GORILLAZ TO TOUR in 2007

• The new tATu jounks Dangerous and Moving is neither dangerous nor moving, but when I close my eyes and make bee leave that the two are actually lesbians and are constatly licking each other, it’s probably the single greatest album to ever be released after Genesis’ Invisible Touch. U’ve seen the vid to ‘All About Us’, now hear another track of borscht bliss: ‘Loves Me Not’ [d-lode]

• Ari Gold’s mum wants HRT the I to be his HRT the I

• Saturn goes gay

• Sorry folks, but Rachael Ray is here to rayign and rayin on yer parade for years to come

• Jack Kerouac was keroWACK

• Robocop loves history

• 2001 eggsplained [via Nacogdoches]

• Micro Compact Home

• NSFW [via Tom Wellington]

&

• The Truth About Mike Sushchefski, In Animated Gif Format [via My Man Marvkus]

I’m off to the gay and family beach (no, not the real OC, although I will be watching The OC). So see you Monday.

J-Rice
Bids the busted a$$ Broncos
and the NFL
A long overdue
Adieu-doo-doo
boo-hoo!

Plain vanilla and pimple simple, he was the greatest WR to ever play the game (although my boy Art Monk is still #1 in my heart). He holds 38 NFL records, appeared in Necessary Roughness, and never seemed to age. Back in the day, he was probably a Fantasy Fooball dynamo, but for the last few years, he was juss another dude who hung out on yer bench alongside such trash as James Thrash, Nick Goings, and Neil Rackers. Sad shiz, but ya gotta give the fella credit for never quitting. You will be missed Jerry.

• Related: Why is Rice-A-Roni called “The San Francisco Treat”?

• Word has it that Rachael Ray in engaged. No links could be found to support this, but I bet the couple’s honeymoon days will have a food budget of $40.

• What’s up with all the pointless f#&king scenes on Ep 2 of Rome? Bring back the unshaved heaven of Ep 1!!! Pe es- if you didn’t know, the dude who plays Lucius Vorenus, played Tommy in Trainspotting. I felt so bad for Tommy Boy cause Rents stole his homemade porno flick which in turn got him dumped which in turn got him hooked on smack which in turn got him some AIDS which in turn got him six feet fumunda my nuts to the grave. Btw, Lucius will appear alongside my man main Rhys Ifans in the new Silence of the Lambs prequel that isn’t Manhunter or Red Dragon, which I almost forgot ever eggsisted.

• What’s up wit dat season finale of Entourage? Could things be tied up any more perfectly? Maybe they should have put a big red ribbon and bow on the closing credits. We the nia peoples demand cliffhangers, like Saigon capping Turtle or Drama getting the role of Aquaman in a rival film directed by Brett Ratner or E being exposed as Huey, Dewey, and Louie’s long last brother. Seriously, he’s a duck.

• This is Craig of The List.org fame

• Brown poo-poos a Second Coming

• Could the next Bond be a bit Turkish?

• The Kid Stays Out of the Picture starring Charly Church’s Pa

• Looking to stalk Lohag The Wurstest The I? Here’s yer 1st clue. Now go getum gumshoes!

• Looking for a snap of Lohag The Wurstest The I snogging Trashee Simpleton? Here’s yer 1st link. Now go get lost you cumrags!

• Looking for some lez ghetro clothing to match yer Agassi Air Tech Challenge IIs? Here’s yer French open invitation. Now go game set matchum you Michael Chang-Gang-Bangers and mashers!

• Definition of miscasting: Frodo as Iggy [via Pinky]

• It’s 1995 all over again as Damon Albarn and (different) co beats out The Brothers Eyebrows to the top slot of the UK singles charts.

• Norman Chad chooses his 2005 team of destiny. Pay the man Shirley.

• Shea Stadium should grace the bottom of every list [via Poon Tang Clan]

• Melinda Clarke scares me

• Live in Boston and live for Kubrick? Yer in luck

• Tore My Anus covers ‘Karma Police’

• The world’s wurstest tATu parody of all thymes and Randy Hymes can be found here

• Jayne Mansfield – A Mountain of a Woman (x72)

• Fiddler’s three word title on his latest post is more genius than Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius

• Easiest way to get to A to Zed in NYC (and now Boston and DC in Beta versions): HopStop.com

• Can someone lend me 2+ grand so I can mcnabb a Bob Ross original?

• Watch 8 eps of the Cpt Lou Albano TV vehicle Super Mario Bros + other gunk [via I Can’t Do That Dave Bowman]

• Hitachi Animated Craponastick: the official end of ‘bling’ [via Crusiespanko]

• But that’s almost passable compared to this dreadful Sugar Rayish white guy rapping about buying the world a Coke. I wish I could hire Mr Freeze and make this guy chill the fork out! Where’s Jack White’s ditty to save us from rehash hell?

• And whilst we on the tropic of Coke ads… a swhile back we made public love to Nicole ‘Sid’ Vicius after peeping Last Days (very bottom), and someone spunkfully noted in les comments section that Ms Vicius is in fact the Rollergirl of the’Starry Eyed Surprise’ ad. Hopefully her career won’t take the path of Rollergirl #1 [NSFW]… unless of course it includes gettin nekkid in every 3rd movie. Man, I think I’m seeing stars… and more snaps of Heather Graham’s b-day suit [NSFW pt II]!!

Christo is not done wrapping. Along with his ho and DJ, Jeanne-Claude, they’ve jumped back into the studio to work on their follow-up to their hit release The Gates (and the remix they did with Hooters). Possible guest stars on this next joint may include DeVoe, Snow (not pictured), and Ill Mitch. Hey, it makes about as much sense as the director of In The Name of the Father teaming up with 50 Cent.

• Eddie Bunker peaced the fork out last week and no one paid attention, yet Michigan J. Frog’s firing gets all sorts of press. Wait, who’s Ed Bunk? [via The Poonmaster]

• Promise me that before you see Senor Spielbergo’s newly titled Munich this winter you will Netflix the doc One Day In September.

• The Fiery Furnaces will release the first of two new CDs this fall called Rehearsing My Choir. They also will be announcing a US tour during September and October.

• First look at Spacey as Luthor, or is it Daddy Warbucks?

• Pacers say yes and mad cabbages to Jasikevicius. But who will x-ray the hip of Exree Hipp?

• Crackhead apologizes for grabbing Peaches’ can

• Now that I gots plenty of free time I may juss take up the Redskins on their free invite to training camp.

• Lohan was on hand to give Lance a hand… job

• Wurstest blog related artwork of all-thymes

• Charlotte Church of Scientology?

• A chat with Bananarama

• I’m no Family Guy guy, but their lil a-ha video raping was kinda sorta amusing [via All Hail Christ…E]

• Google finds the lord

• The (brief) History of SNL’s Black Dudes

• Somehow they uglified Monica Bleucheese

• Top 10 Apollo Hoax Theories [via MOH]

• Saturn’s radio emissions are a complete Pink Floyd ripoff

• Did General Motors destroy the LA mass transit system?

• The Shitty Tipper Database! [via Meta]

• World’s oldest dildo found in cave! [via Monkey M]

• Tamponhenge [via YCMIU]

• Sharapovinski hasn’t left me alone for one second since I dropped infos about t.A.T.u. album numero 2. I think she’s juss a wee bit jealous that I find other Russians so crazy/sexy/cool, including, but not limited to Yakov Smirnoff. She was so bolsheviked that she kept pelting me with piping hot chicken Kievs (or as we called them in college, ‘abortion chickens’). But my dearest czarina has nothing to worry about, and I prove it to her every night by banging her square until it’s red. And how could I ever step out on a HRT the III when she does such adorable things during her matches like lift up her skirt to expose her thigh. If you didn’t know that’s her lil secret way of saying hello to yers drooly, like Carol Burnett does when she tugs her ear.

Shame, shame, shame on you’alls and Lou Rawls. Did you honestly think for a stankonia moment that I’d let a woman who’s hair’s gross, Christain Bale Machinist rail thin, and a complete skankbot, rule our kingdumb? I’m even ashamed of the fact that I’m a top search result for ‘‘Lindsays Butt Paste‘… although being the #1 result for ‘cleveland cleavage‘ is kinda respectable, right? I picked Lohag when your backs were turned. Ha-ha, you fools! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Master of Thighs, when Her Royal Thighness crowning is on the line!! Good thing Snopes and the Museuem of Hoaxes didn’t read last week’s posts, cause they would’ve easily exposed this rue de ruse in about 5 heartbeats!! The past is the past and the butt paste is a thing of the past… although I have been looking to switch up brands as of late. So lets push thighs forward, whilst you d-lode The Streets’ ‘‘Lets Push Things Forward‘. And before I officially announce who the heir to the hempire is, I juss wanna note that Cuthbest, unlike Lohag, never did us wrong, cept when she wore that tunafish thong, and will always be welcomed back anythyme to the House of Thighs. Plus we both share joint custody of Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt, and she even agreed to pay for her dental bills! In choosing a woman worthy of the crownship I didn’t want to make any rush decisions… although she ended up being a Russian. Sure, I could have gone with a Albacauseofyou or Pinderlicious, but it was sign from heavens when I thighspotted my lady in waiting rubbing her thighs. And the rest is how I say, Game, Set, Snatch…

I present to you
The REAL Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd
Maria Yuryevna Sharapova
aka Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова

You may now kiss the Thighs

ON WIT DA POOS DEL LINKY…

• Visited the new 7-11 on 23rd and Park Ave. Brief reflections: shiz was the cleanest and smallest Sleven I’ve ever seen, Big-Bites were effin moneybagsmcgee, but had NO CHERRY SLURPEES on-tap??#!@?@#?#? Their license should be revoked!

• Knocked back a few with The BlogFather, and the rest of the Bloggeratti. Brief reflections: so effin best.

• ESPN.com stalked jinxed for life Cub fan, my Halloween costume of ’03, and the all-around mystery that is Steve Bartman. Brief reflections: it was about effin time.

• Ricky Gervais chats up about the pressure of topping The Office with his next effort Extras, which airs in the UK on July 21st (‘How do you beat six Baftas and two Golden Globes? That’s mental. That record’s safe.’), his New Romantic band Seona Dancing (‘We thought we were Tears for Fears.’), his family (‘The whole point of my family was taking the mickey out of the one sitting next to you. It was all a wind up.’), and about dreams come true (‘My ambition was always to get a joke on The Simpsons, and here I am at the read-through sitting next to Homer.’).

• Charlotte Church’s mum strikes back and un-classy Shirley Bassey. Don’t care? Then at least czech out a whole lotta snap-ples of C Church in a bikini.

• Another pointless Indy IV update

• Nancy O’Dell met her husband while waiting in line at an airport. I think I need to fly more often.

• Many a celebs have been deliverin’ Amazon.com packages as a part of their 10th annie-verse-airy celebration. Peep Don Cheadle dropping off a box, Howie Mandel taking time off his ‘busy schedule’, and Kournikova opening a box with a customer (I’d love to open and munch on Kournie’s box! [NSFW])

• Dustin Hoffman has bigger-man-tees than yours drooly! [sorta NSFW]

• The Photos They’d Rather Forget

• I’ve never been able to describe TWS.org site in words, but Dawn of Man did a pretty good job by sayings, ‘If you’re not impartial to a bit of Anthony Burgess-style linguistic butchering combined with Jim Careyesque zany mad adult behaviour, head on over to The Thighmaster.’

• Why didn’t JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com get bigger than Jesus?

• (not) My Collection of Vintage Cigarette Lighters

• Geek Tattoos [via Dr Falada]

• Mildly entertaining ’80s print ads

• CantFindOnGoogle.com [MetaFiler]

• And happy belated 50th b-day to my new dawg, Jimmy Smits/Bail Organa, and to my old dawg, who’s love taking bites outta crime, McGruff the Crime Dog, who just turned half of Jimmy’s age. Growing up, in an age of hella-lame famous dogs, McGruff was buff and more ruff than then the baddies in Tuff Turf. Ya see, me at McG go way back. One day, while I was a hyperactive student at College Gardens Elementary School, we took a field trip riding the newly extended Red Line on DC’s Metro for three whole stops!!! When we demetroed at our final destination, White Flint, McGruff was there to greet us, dole out hugs, and distribute free Redskins trading cards to us all. I’ll never forget what you did that day McGruff, for as long as I live. So in his great name why not send him a b-day card, or get yoself a fab tee, or sign up for some free trading cards (sadly not Redskins)?

• Dr Phil’s Pat O’ special last night? More F$%KING hot than a night of coked-fueled hooker threesomes, which kinda sounds like any Mon-Sun night for the Peabs and the Coz. But I wasn’t so f#@king into it like I was when me and Tom Wellington made the ultimate megamix. If you are sick of all this Pat O’ stuff, juss look at me and wink, or say “m’yes”.

• Today is 05/05/05. At 5:55 PM sharp, your penis/vagina will explode.

• Be the envy of every person in yer neighborhoodie when you bid and win deez FIVE MOLA ROM GLASSES!

• Hey, lets award movies that blow donkey balls AND seem like they were released 12 years ago! C’mon, u think Cuthsplurt’s gonna show up to eggcept an award for kissing that d’bag Emile Hirschy Squirts? At least a ceremony eggsists where both Orlando Boo & Kate Booosworth have a shot at winning an award almosto as meaningless as a People’s Choice Award (btw, who are these people?). And does MTV need someone for ’06 to come up with new categories? How bout ‘Wurstest Vince Vaughn Movie’ (would always be a 6-way tie in my book)? Or ‘Mostest Pretentious Piece of Crap of The Year’ (a neck and neck race betwixt Snoozerbergh & Gus van Stank)? And what kind of country would we be if we didn’t hand out accolades for ‘Best Use of Sweaty Breastesez’?

• Redskins say peace the fork out to Mr Elisabeth Filarski

• Grosser than gross

• 1997 – the best year in music? Productshop, like Gareth Keenan, invetigates. Personally, I think ’98 was the dills snills cause two of the greatestist albums of allls thymes came out: Beck’s Mutations & Air’s Moon Safari

• What’s the dorkiest thing one could ever own, yet no one would ever know about cause you live in yer parent’s basement? These Light AND Dark side CPUs.

• Revenge of Nerds: the mp3 player? Somewhere Takashi‘s beating on his gong and the boys and the Mu’s are clapping along [rest of rap found here]! What do we do next Booger? [via The H-Lister]

• I knew I should traded my Gregg Jefferies Rated Rookie for that Karol Wojtyla card!

• Is Will Forte a member of Kraftwerk?

• The Empire strikes fat! [via Andre Dawson Fan #1]

• Is this considereded HRT the II’s first ever blog entry? We truly are made for each other. I mean, we both like typing words and both love glue! I was so proud of Eli that I HAD to be the first to leave a comment, natch! And the madness don’t stop der folks! After our rendezvous with destiny last weekend, Cuthy and her Wax crew occupied the same place/dime with the every lorvely Paige Six Six Six. OMG, wit dat much hotness in one room, I’m sirprized the cameras didn’t melt within like 4 seconds. Meooow and 7/7ths!! [spanks to Amberella for her blog entry]

• And with all this suing of blogs and stizz of late, do you think the A-Team will go after Trent for his raping of their belovededed Stencil font?

BONUS late link: Rosie O’Donnell is or plays a retardeded retard