Thighs Wide Shut

You knows I totally loves the women, I fell hard in love with Ciarán Hinds and his Gaius Julius Caesar salad dressing on TV’s Rome. We all knew the ides of March were coming, but I was hoping the writers would change their minds AND history and let him live, with the help of another Brutus. Maybe they’ll bring him back next season in flashbacks like Big Pussy on The Suckpranos, or give him a spin-off show where he eats grapes and rocks abacuses in the afterlife. Regardless, the show will suffer without the Hinds next year. Farewell my mos flavorite tyrant who’s hairstyle I rock

BEST IN PEACE

100 BCE – 2005
• Redskins blow

• Cuthies’ gearin up for England 2007, and we all would still bone her

• Czech out this highly Jewish trailer for Bee Season, co-starring the artist former known as the Thinker‘s mum

• Make your mark on the Martine McCutcheon Online GuestMap, cause you know you want to

• Episode III, abridged in lame, yet semi-amusing audio format [d-lode, via Glitter Glids]

• Coverpop

• And although it has jumped the shark, T-giving is and will always be the Jewish Christmas (cause Hannukah blows almost as much as the Redskins). So in honor of turkey, pies, and thighs, along with Gaius JC, I’m taking the rest of the week off (but anything can happen, so don’t quoth me on dat). MAZEL toast and rasin toast. Until we meat again, Reuben Droughns home and…

I don’t like to toss around terms like ‘anally raped by fist covered in Crisco’ or ‘back alley abortion with wire hangers covered in Crisco’, but I don’t know how else to express in werds what happened to the Redskins in front of mine very own eyes at the Ghettolands yesterday. Thamks to Megbot, I had the bestest seats my ass has ever enjoyed (40 yd line, 30 rows up), but it was probably the biggest waste of my time since I voted for John Kerry in a heavily democratic state, or when I attempted to make chicken pot pie, with pot. Korny may have it write, but I’m still a believer… until they’re officially eliminated from the payoff picture… which for once, may actually occur on the final week of the season.

• I’ve given up on my search for Wayne Fontes, so I can focus my attentions on the disappearance of Yancey Thigpen. Btw, did anyone ever see him in the same room as Tupac?

• There’s boviously something rotten in the state of Denmark or in the brains of the 2 coaches who gave Oral Roberts a vote on USA Today/ESPN’s pre-season Top 25 poll. I suspect Tevester Anderson and Ron ‘Fang’ Mitchell are the two in question, and they may also be CIA operatives. Don’t blame this leak on me, just plame it on the rain.

• And in our final sportsish related topic of the day, my dearest brother-in-law, Davey “Brickhouse” MadeofBrawnsteen, finished in 5th place at the Verizon VoiceWing Battle at Union Jack’s in Bethesda, MD, by wolfing down 2.5 lbs of wings in 10 minutes. Snatchurally the Black Widow took top prize, but she better watch her back for Davey poo, who’ll soon climb his way up the ladder of excess. I hactually signed up for the contest myself, but since I was chosen as an alternate I decided to go to the Skins game instead. Probably the 14th wurst call of my life.

• The last things I want to think about when RFK’s assassination comes to mind is The Mighty Ducks, nip-slips [NSFW], and Shia LaBeouf

• The Wu-Tang Clan Andy Rooney aint nuttin to f$%k wit… and although I’m sure he never rides the subway, I bet he’s no fan of Dr. Zizmor

• I’ll set the odds at 30 to 1 that Kanye’s ‘Jesus Walks’ doesn’t even appear in the movie Jarhead, but all bets are off on a HRT the IV and Gavin engagement

• Pilgrims are flocking by the singles to the new Mecca, Long Island’s sole remaining Roy Rogers. And if this supposed resurgance fails, and the LI becomes the last remaining RR on earth, I smell a comeback for Bogdanovich in the vein of his brills The Last Picture Show. Maybe he’ll get Cybil to bare breasts again [NSFW], but this time in the name of holster fries and fixin bars.

• Link I never wanted to click on, but did because I needed an eggscuse to slit my eyes out: The Very Best of Jena Malone (Schoolgirl See Thru+Nips)

• And to help ease the pain of clicking the above link, here’s a pic of Double K… doing something, inside a limo, with her mouth, and sorta showing us her sorta chest…

• Free passes to I wish I knew how to quit you THE MOVIE

• The Village Voice: 50 Years/50 Covers

• Are there inbred families in the Ozarks/Appalachians like in Deliverance?

• DougEddingsIsADouche.blogspot.com [via Sox Hater #1]

• I was back in the VT last week, and the only thing I love more than the free cookies I gets from the DoubleTree hotel, and their fumcredible fall foliage…

…is eating my weight in hamburgers, shakes, fries, and fried chicken at Al’s French Frys has much has humanly possible. It’s steadily moving up the ranks on my long retired list of ‘Places To Eat B4 U Die’. Be there, or be thin!!!

And my email acct decided to erase most of the messages in my inbox, so if you entered our Supergrass Super Mark Duper contest, or if you still want to enter, all you have to do is answer the following three questions and she-male me wit yer name and address.

1) Which Supergrass song appeared on the Clueless soundtrack?
2) Who was Jek Porkins‘ best friend?
3) What am I wearing right now?

BILL GATES ADMITS TO
BEATING OFF TO CUTHBEST

Well, sort of
[via Takin It In The Kanner]
…I guess he moved on after trying to feed Mischa

• I want to live in a country where HRT the IV’s new do is national news… or in a country where pot costs as much as stroopwaffles

• Since David Copperfield can’t seem to get laid anymore, he’s going to impregnate ladies the only way he knows how…

• 2nd helpings of Dangerdoom are on the way, along with a tour with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Space Ghost in full costume. No word on if it will be a coast to coast kinda thang.

• Blur’s going to drop their new adventures in lo-fi by year’s end. Graham Coxon still missing in action. Thigh Master still drooling. Damon Albarn’s voice is 2nd best to Alba’s a$$

• Orlando Snooze, back where he belongs, in any pre-industrial revolution era

• Mark my words, Ariel Gade is the next Dakota Fanning. And as well all know, that can mean only one thing.

• While some of us love Rachael Ray and her big mouth, others do not. Either way, lettuce all make peace and grease ourselves up looking at her FHM spread for the 4 thousand thousandth time. [via Laing Sack of Shiiiiiiiit]

• Help the Redskins help breasts. Too bad they were never able to help their own biggest boob, Heath Shuler.

• The Music Video Database. Cause how else are we gonna figure out that Lethal Weapon kingpin Richard Donner directed Cyndi Lauper’s ‘The Goonies R Good Enough’ thumcredible video, which features the likes of Rowdy Roddy Piper, Nikolai Volkov, the Iron Sheik, and of course Cpt Lou Albano?

• Remember Ross? I don’t either, but he’s currently co-starring in Bayside! The Un-musical!. Some say 2nd best use of $5 since offering the same amount to Jimmy Smits for bless my sister’s wedding.

• Do you Netflix it up? If so, send me your email addy and we can become Netflix pals. Cause I know yer dying to know how many stars I gave Apt Pupil and Freddy Got Fingered

• Free passes to Ryan Reynolds Is Fat & Unfunny, And Then Skinny & Unfunny + Richard Gere Gets Off On Spelling

• What’s the story morning horny with the 13th floors of buildings? And what’s the story with Gretchen Mol’s career post Thirteenth Floor? [via Johnny Dollar Bill]

• This priest is right at holmes when it comes to homo bashing [audio] . I think he’s a lil insane in my behind’s membranes. [via Ceffle]

• And blessed be photog Karina Taira, who combined the beauty of HFutureRT Camilla Belle and the neo-hipness of every chick you’ve ever seen on the Cobra Snake!!!

Is it juss me, or is it hapsolutley recockulous that we set a side one day each year to celebrate the talents of movie director/writer Chris Columbus? Don’t spank me wrong, the man has warrick dunn some good in the past, but from the early 90s on, he’s been more worthy of crucifixion, than adulation for screen fiction. The first 2 Harry Potters? Poo/boo/snoozefests to the Zth degree. Bicentennial Man? Could there be a worser call than having Robin Williams play a robot gayer than all the gay robots combined? The list doesn’t really go on and on, but I’m not really jumping and jazzing all over meself for his next joints, like the one named after a Pavement album or this one, which has the schmaltzyiest plotline, described as a, “about a temperamental head coach who ends up adopting a kid. By becoming a father, he learns to be a better man and a better coach and he takes his team to the Super Bowl.” Dear Gov-mint. Please repeal this holiday and instead bestow the honor of a day off of work for a more worthy director, say, Savage Steve Holland, of Better of Dead, One Crazy Summer, and Shasta McNasty fame. Howevs, if you peeps MUSS revel in all thing C Columbus, may I recommend you spend this day with some of his finest works like…

And now for some tangs me learned this tweakend…

• There is something seriously wrong with Brooke Shields’ mother. I can’t fathom how anyone would ever let their 12-year old daughter star in Pretty Baby, the controversial Louis Malle flick about a daughter of a brothel prostitute who has her virginity sold to the highest bidder, and later marries a man maybe 3 times her age. That may not sound so bad, but B Shields’ prepubescent assets are fully on display numerous times. YIIIIIIIIIIIKES!!! I felt so dirty watching it that I had to shower 17 times afterwerds. [NSFW proof, for you dirty dirty p-philes]

• Amy Ruth’s on 116th St has the mos bestest southern/soul food that one can find in Manhattan. Do yerself, but not yer arteries, a favor and get yer fried chicken smothered in gravy, next to a giant waffle loaded with cinnamon, ‘nanas, and pecans. The title heart attack hotness was previously held by Miss Mamie’s Spoonbread Too. Next on the list, Sylvia’s. [CityShirt]

• The Redskins may not be going 16-0, but will probably finish 15-1. OK, that may be a bet far-fetched, but they are actually a legit squad [WaPo]

• tATu may be faux lezzies (and faux tanners), but faux lezzies, are still better than no lezzies at all [Spencer 4 Mire]

• Jack White and wifey are preggers. So will Meg White be this child’s aunt or pseudo-step mum? [Gigwiseness]

• My mom may be the world’s biggest Hedwig & The Angry Inch fan. So much so, that her and pa came up this past Saturday to see mastermind John Cameron Mitchell introduce the film for all of 5 minutes at the MOMA. Bless you momoosky. And for that lets spread the love. [d-lode the bestest song ‘Wig In A Box’, or the Pirate version]

• Trainspotting helped Sinbad O’Connor realize that hard drugs and babies climbing on the ceiling are not good things [IOL]

• Earnest Byner exercising makes a good animated gif [Speed Fit]

• William Fichtner and his 4 by forehead looking fabulous in What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

can mean only one thing: INVASION!!! [Wallpaper]

• Tennis scoring is rooted in medieval numerology [Straight Dizzle]

• There’s a chance none of us have to pay to see Keira ‘I beat off to you’ Knightley in Pride & Snoozefest [EW free screening]

and although Elisha still may be the Cuthbestiest ’round

and Devon is still a fly owl

CC the IV remains the reigning queen B
until I deem otherwise

I drink champagne with
Nipsey Russell*

Too bad Nips won’t be
having any Moet in 5766
NIP IN PEACE!
1924-2005
Looking to get a bit Nipsey, but don’t wanna watch a brazilian hours of Gene Rayburn’s scary ass face as host of the The Match Game or Nipple’s brief 3 month stint as host of the shrill-fated Your Number’s Up? Why not hold the 1st ever Nipsey Russell Film Festival in the privacy of yer very own living room and/or fall-out shelter, featuring such hits shits as…

Meanwhile, in non-Nipsey related nipssile nippyness…

+ We bid a semi-belated peace le fork outs to writers and wrongers August ‘Mookie’ Wilson AND M. Scott Peck ‘ing order’

+ We send out big props to Abe Lincoln Town Car for proclaiming back on Rocktober the 3rd of the 1863rd year of your lord that Spanksgiving will be observed on the 4th Friday in November FO-REVER!

+ We wish America was Europe cause then Borat would be hosting our MTV Music Awards, and we’d be receivin’ 46 and 1/8 effin BEARD and MUSTACHE RIDES, from all the world champs!! [1st via Indy RePukeagain]

+ We revel in the fact that the Redskins aren’t racist, just the breastest wurstest 3-0 team mt everest and etnaiestest!

+ We are dying to own our own painting painted by Bob Ross, but perhaps one from his son Steve Ross would suffice!

+ And we needs to know if Richie Incognito is related to Guy Incognito? [via Joe E Tartar]

*borrowed genius from Chris Rock’s ‘Champagne’ [video]