Thighs Wide Shut

And, OMG!

I’m almost ready to rock steady and (bebop) and unleash my picks for the best in MOOOvies for the ’05. Howevs, before we can push things fwd, I forgot or waz juss too darn lazy to review two handfuls + o’ flicks (apparently I have something against ‘L’ and ‘M’ movies). And juss cause they weren’t given the Robert Royal w/cheese treatment before doesn’t mean that they’re poo on a stick and aren’t worthy of a qwik review now. (Peter Gabriel’s) Sooooooooo….

The Dying Gaul
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: The Dying Ball: The Story Behind Hitler’s One Testical
If there were a movie released every month that starred the killah trio of Campbell Scott, Patricia Clarkson, and Peter Sarsgaard, the world would be a better place. But since the terrorists are constantly winning, we were stuck with only one this year. While the story about Peter making Campbell go gay while he’s married to Patricia while Pat plays mind games with Peter is the steak, it’s the acting that’s certainly the sizzle.

Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: BangRon (Jeremy): The Dirtiest Sluts In The Room
Penguins marching? FAW!!! That aint no documentary, juss some discarded shizz that somehow didn’t end up on the Animal Planet. Smartest Guys is by far the king of docs for the ’05. Need I really say mo? OK, even Peabs loved it!!!

Hustle & Flow
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: Hustle Dat Flow of Cummy Bears
There is much to commend about Terrence Howard’s performance as a pimp turned employer of DJ Qualls, but beyond that, I felt a bit hustled by all the pre-hype. I mean c’mon, ‘Whoop That Trick’ [d-lode] and ‘It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp’ [d-lode] are the wurstest hip-hop/rap/whateveryacallem tunes me’ve heard since Ice-T’s Home Invasion [lodes via JAGoff]

Last Days
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: Last Gay Lays
This third and final installment in Gus van Pretentious’ boring America trilogy (the first two be Gerry & Elephant) turned out to be the most watchable of the set!! And despite the fact that it’s kinda boring, and stars non-actor Michael Pitt, who directors keep thinking is an actor, it kinda rocked, in a slow, boring, yet beautiful way!! Also, any movie that gots Ricky Jay, Lukas Haas, AND the Diet Coke ‘Starry Eyed Sirprize’ SUPER MARK DUPER Hottie is worth the price of boremission!!!

League of Ordinary Gentlemen
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: George Teague Bangs Ordinary Gentleman
Penguins that march? BAH!!! That aint no documentary, juss some sequel to that boo-urnsed-arsed Coca-Cola commercial with the polar express bears! Ordinary Gents is by far the queen of docs for the ’05. Need I really say mo? OK, I will, if you love bowling, u’ll love this. BONUS: my bowling teacher from IU, who gave me the only A+ of my LIFE, is in this movie. He rules, so does bowling, and flubvs course, so does a doc about bowling.

Lords of Dogtown
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Possible Porno Name: Traci Lords of Doggystyletown
EEK! POO!! YIKES!!! DIARRHEA SANDWICH!!!! I wasn’t no is not no a huge fan of no the Dogtown and Z-Boys doc, but after watching this fiction/pooperized version of it, I guess I am is now is am a HUGE FAN, like this. If two things can be learneded from this shitspeareance tits Emile Hirsch is officially the new Michael Pitt (read: POOO to the OOO degree!!) and Heath Ledger can not only be the mos amazin gay cowboy mt EVERest, but the mos flambazzlin skateboard shop owner mt McKINLEY!!!

March of the Penguins
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: Pouch for the Pen(gu)i(n)s
Marching of some penguins? WA-HA!!! OK, this coulda been a run of the mill Karla Mill mill runner about penguins, BUT IT WAS MORE THAN THAT!! IT’S A STORY ABOUT LOVE AND DEATH AND THINGS TO DO IN THE ACTRIC WHEN YER TRYING TO MAKE F&CK AND BABIES AND LIVE, as narrated by Morgan Freeman, the VOICE TO END ALL VOICES!!! I’d beat off to his voice even if her were talkin bout Nazis eating microwaved tunafish while listening to 52 hours of live Phish shows!!! I’d say that this is the 7 of spades of docs this year!!!!

Murderball
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: FrankfurterNballsINmyMOUTH
Tuxedoed creatures that go far in a line? SHAH, OF IRAN!!! That aint no documentary, juss MORGAN FREEMAN’S VOICE TALKIN BOUT NAZIS WHO EAT MICROWAVED TUNAFISH! M’ball is by far the jack of docs for the ’05. Need I really say mo? OK, it’s a bit more heartwarming than the bowling doc, but that was about bowling!!!! OK, maybe this is secretly the king, but BOWLING AND CORRUPTION kick handicapped rugby’s ass!!!!

My Summer of Love
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: My Summer of Doing It In The POOPER
Ever wonder what it would be like if Rory totally lezzied out with Claire, IN ENGLAND? Well, MSoL is the closet thing you’ll get to that you filthy old soomkas!! This reminded me a lot of Heavenly Creatures, wit out all that imaginary shaz, and if you knows about that one, you knows yer gonna like this one. I also likeyed the lil subplot they had Nick Goings on with the latest cpt of cool, Paddy Considine, as Claire’s born-again brother, not to be confused with her gay brother who was forced to smoke crack.

Mysterious Skin
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: Mysterious Skin
The only thing more touching than this movie is the dirty baseball coach’s hands, who seduces his own MINOR leaguers. Yessirrebobsytwins!!! This aint no walk in the park Sandra Buttox movie, yo, cause the topics in this MOS EGGSALAD flick aren’t pretty, kinda like it’s co-star, Michelle Trachtenberg!!! But, despite her udder fuglyness, EVERYONE in this mos powerful piece of cinema, including her AND queen of the fug boat, CHLOE from 24, shine on like crazy legs diamond. Biggest props de leon gots to go out to the two leads, virtually unknown Brady Corbet and that friggin kid from 3rd Cock From Your Buns whom I never thought would amount to ANYTHING!!! If Hollywurst had a brain, this flick and those boys would be nomination mrs butterworthy to the DOME PIECE, YO!! Unforgettable.

Shopgirl
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: Shopping For 6 Year Old Thai Girls
Steve Martin did the thumbpossible: he made Claire Danes a straight-up S-E-X H-O-T-T-I-E!!!

Good News Mares!
– KIM BAUER/CUTHBEST TO RETURN TO 24!!

Bad News Bears!
– The end of the 2nd AVE FRIGGIN DELI????
Good News Mares!
– The beginning of the 2nd Ave Deli on 8th Ave???

Bad News Bears!
– Silky smoothe Lou Rawls outted his fork peace
Good News Mares!
– We will continue to use his name on this dot org as something that rhymes with ‘y’alls‘

Bad News Bears!
– Andy Rooney portrayer found dead
Good News Mares!
– The REAL Andy Rooney will NEVER DIE!!! …and isn’t afraid to post angry letters that take shots at his scraggly eyebrows

Good News Mares!
– Jon Stewart and NOT Shitty Crystal is hosting the Oscars!!!
Bad News Bears!
– Mediocre movies will win gold, like Walk The Line

Good News Mares!
– Hustle & Flow 2???
Bad News Bears!
– Starring Mischa Barton?????

Good News Mares!
– da Da Vinci Code is FRYNALLY paperback bound
Bad News Bears!
– the ending STILL BLOWS, almost as much as Tom Hanks’ hairpiece!!

Good News Mares!
– The SS Sex Boat will be burned as the Vikings go ashore next season

Good News Mares!
– HRT the V will never pull a Kate Moss
Bad News Bears!
– Or HAVE BOOBS!!

Good News Mares!
– Sam Mendes admits he’s a hack!
Bad News Bears!
– I still can’t get back the 5 hours I spent watching Boohead and Road To Snoozeriation

Good News Mares!
– Noel Gallagher Takes Back Blur ‘AIDS’ Comment
Bad News Bears!
– AT&T may get chlamydia for using Oasis’ ‘All Around The World’ in their new ad campaign

Good News Mares!
– HAL-9000 & R2-D2 will be inducted into the Robot Hall of Fame
Bad News Bears!
– R.O.B. and D.A.R.Y.L. will have to wait another year

Good News Mares!
– Besides ‘Other’, Pam Mueller is everyone’s mos flavorite Jeopardy! Ultimate Tournament of Champions participant
Bad News Bears!
– She has yet to become mother of my children, and since we are the #2 search result for her name that probably guarantees she’s been to this site and aint too interested in becoming the mother of my children

Good News Mares!
– More Ali G NBA promos!
Bad News Bears!
– The NBA still eggsists!!!

Good News Mares!
– The Giants fans now know what it feels like to get James Thrashed/witness back alley abortions at G-Men Stadium
Bad News Bears!
– We’ll have to wait til Augusto for some mo of that highly special/thighly entertaining Jeremy Shockey STOOPIDITY

Good News Mares!
– Dan Snyder and his endless deep Jew pockets
Bad News Bears!
Bad News FOR THE Bears! (and everyone else’s eyes)
– A rematch of week one’s borefest

Sadly, there won’t be many sirprizes during this year’s pay-offs… considering the the Bengals are still the Bungles, Da Bears [YTMND] have no O or Shuffle [video] or DITKA [YTMND] or his Grabowski [Grabowski], and cause the real Super Bowl is also known as the AFC Championship: Pats vs Colts!!!

pee es – GAWD BLESS DANIEL SNYDER’S DEEP JEWISH POCKETS!!!

+ honored to be one of Skeeter’s ‘top frings to look forward to in ’06’!

+ we is amored in France! And I amor France too, hispecially their crossian’wiches and Ludivine Sagnier’s forever nekkid body [NSForAmericaCauseWeBLOWunlikeFRANCE]

+ DreamWorks’ Dreamgirls sure to be the wurstest ‘dream’-related thingie since Brian Benben in Dream On

+ Funny Farm is ripe for remaking! Juss don’t tell Mr. Lamb Fries!

+ How much of all Internet traffic is pornography?

+ Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2005 [NSFWness via Sex Boat Boys]

+ Go WAYBACK in the world of THIGHS

+ Peabs kissing his arm whilst wearing a WrestleMania II shirt!! [via WhereforartthouEVS?]

+ The girl/thighness who’s more adorablerer than early 90s Winona Ryder and everyone’s minor JW crush from around the same time period, Joanne Klaar