Thighs Wide Shut

Public Enemy, Ice-T, and the Thinker himself
B.B. King’s Blues Club & Grill
5/7/05

[snap not from show vis AHH]

I was Wrong.

Thank Hashem for Ice-T!

As me and my man Drew from Idaho approached BB’’s there was a bit of a commotion. As we got closer we saw the Iceberg himself stepping out of his limo surrounded by cameras and mics. Once he was done his crew got out and followed him inside. His crew: About 10 kids who looked like they just raided Ja Rule’s closet. Interesting.

Once they were out of the way we decided to hang outside for a bit and we were truly blessed. Flav and entourage were rolling down 42nd street. No limo. Not even a taxi. My man just rolled up.

And the teenage girls went wild! I’ve never seen anything like it. While us old people have been sleeping, Flav became a superstar of the reality TV set. So for every guy singing ‘911 is a Joke’, there were 15 15-year-old girls screaming and hugging and posing for pictures with Flav.

Amazing.

Now for the show…

As it turns out, all of us in the crowd were part of a little social experiment. What happens when a bunch of NYC prep school kids perform there pathetic raps for a crowd of 500 people who paid $25 to hear a night of very angry music?

Ice rolls out on stage and immediately reminds us that even though he is on TV ‘I’m still Ice MUTHAFUCKIN T!‘

Then he moves on to perform 3 new songs. NEW SONGS!?!?!??!?! This was part 1 in Ice’s entry into the pathetic hall of fame. After letting us know that he can tell if someone isn’t real because ‘I act, so I know what an actor looks like‘, Ice dropped perhaps his most prophetic verse: ‘if we’d just get rid of this poverty disease, I’d be rappin’ about birds and trees.’

Poetry in motion folks.

Once his sad, sad, 3 song display is over Ice drops the bomb. As it turns out he’s been working on taking Flav’s spot at the top of the reality TV charts. His new show: Ice-T’s Rap School. It seems Ice spent 6 weeks with a group of students from the York Prep School in Manhattan (I think I had a few friends go there… after they got kicked out of my high school… but I digress). Ice taught these kids to rap, break and DJ. And now, 6 weeks later, they were going to perform their act for us.

SAY WHAT?!?!?!?!

This was not going to be good.

Ice let us know that all the families of these kidlets were in the house… we gave them a cheer. Then DJ somthingorother came out and scratched the same beat for 4 minutes. At first we were encouraging, once it kept going, we began to BOOOOOO. But it wasn’t to end there.

Once the DJ got booed off the stage, the YPC (York Prep Crew) rolled out in all their glory. They were worse than a middle school choir. The crowd was supportive though, until the freestyle session.

FREESTYLE SESSION!?!?!?!?

Oh hell no. The kid was unintelligible and looked like some cross between License to Ill Mike D and Corey Feldman. And he must have said something to the people in the front, cause they started to BOOOOOO like the Redskins were in town. And then it happened. The funniest thing I have ever seen.

Ice rushed the stage and grabbed the mic. It was time for us to get a life lesson, Ice MUTHAFUCKIN T style!

‘If they’s kids, or somebody’s mother in the room, yall show some MUTHAFUCKIN respect! Some of you don’t have no MUTHAFUCKIN class! …You can SUCK MY DICK!‘

Man. Sure put me in my place.

Of course the show was not over then. We still got to see PE! Ice brought them on to stage and, introducing Chuck-D to us he said ‘I love this brother like he’s my brother.‘

Nice.

Now I’m going to save you some time and give you the lowdown on PE’s performance from Zach, the king of Wooijip:

‘Before PE took the state, everyone had their fist in the air Malcolm X-style in solidarity of the PE ‘Power to the People’ creed. The show kicked off with ‘Welcome to the Terradome’, to get the crowd amped up. They had a mix of classics and newer songs, intermixed with Chuck D’s political rants and Flavor Flav’s promotion for his VH1 show Flavor of Love. The last song before the encore was ‘Fight the Power’, extended for about 20 minutes in an epic jam. The encore was ‘She Watches Channel Zero’, followed by Flavor Flav playing a drum solo and then all the other musicians having their chance at soloing (including ‘Purple Haze’ by the guitarist). Flava then took his turn on the bass guitar. He also tried some crowd surfing ( I saw him give his chain, cell phone and other blingage to the back-up rapper before diving) and interacted with the crowd a lot (including shaking the hand of yours truly).‘

Some other highlights:

Instead of Terminator X, they had DJ Lord on the tables. Flav still called him Terminator 6 times.

‘Yo Flav, I’m gonna bring some memories to your memory.‘ – Chuck D

During the song ‘Fuck George Bush’ (the chorus was ‘Fuck George Bush, Fuck Dick Cheney‘) Flav says: ‘And that lying mother fucker from Australia… John Howard… Fuck his ass too!‘

‘Jail, lockdown, that’s some fucked up weak shit.‘– Chuck D

Amazing.

Da DaVinci Code
If Only They Had Released
So Dark The Condorman Instead
Trailer

I’ll admit it, I’m a tough cookie, and some of y’all are a bit Soft Batchish, so will you like Code if I didn’t? Wellllll, if you read the book, probably not so much. And if you didn’t read the book (who ARE you people?), maybe, but only cause you want to join in on our deep conversations about pagan symbolism and Jesus bonin chicks. I’m sure yer all already well aware of the ass raping that Ron Howard’s screen version of Dan Brown’s beyond best-seller has taken from the critics, and since I pretty much agree with mos of what they be saying, I’ll try not to re-hash the horror stories. Although I think Ann Hornaday from the REAL Post said it breast, ‘The movie Sony Pictures has been desperately trying to position as ‘the most controversial thriller of the year’ turns out to be about as thrilling as watching your parents do a Sudoku puzzle.‘, and AO Scott of the Thymes made me chuckle while I was eating Chuckles when he blathered, ‘Ms. Tautou, determined to ensure that her name will never again come up in an Internet search for the word “gamine,” affects a look of worried fatigue [throughout the film].‘

In a year’s time, no one will be talking about this movie — it’s that forgettable. And a year is being generous. Nothing seems to click within the frame. Kinda like Redskins offense 1992 – current times. And I think it’s no one’s fault, not even Tom Hanks’ hair. If another director took a stab at it, it would still turn out the same — lame. What makes for a good read doesn’t always translate into a good film. It’s kinda how I felt about the Rent movie, where it’s believable in its original format, but as soon as it hits the screen, it loses its credibility and no one be buyin what they be sellin. I cunt bee leave I’m about to say this, but, if you wanna watch an entertaining thriller that weaves history with modern times, stay away from the theater and rent the much more engaging popcorn poo-fest National Treasure… btw, there’s a #2 of that on the way. Ha, #2, how fitting!

Recommended for those who like: Clint Howard/Peter Scolari cameo-less flicks, the White Chicks‘ colored contact lenses, and IM Peilan

Possible Porno Name: The Ejaculation Lode

Unsatisfied with this? Read the book again OR Choose wisely and Netflix the tops in grail fiction, Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade [trailers]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Mona Lisa’ by Nat King Cole [d] AND The LONG And Winding Road’ by The Beatles [d]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): I’ve seen much worse, and it’s not unwatchable, juss a HUGE dis-a-point-mint, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

[for you newbies or douche-Bs
click each pic for even mo fun]

Martin Freeman Is Rembrandt, NOT THE TOOTHPASTE

Jennifer Ellison’s boobs are opening a restaurant

Bob Ross Video game developer TALKS (in words)!

The next dames & knights of the realm: Summer, Seth, Julie, and Sandy

5 days lates, but still loves me the Norman Chad NFL Draft recap

Clowns Without Borders

[Guns n Rosenthal]

GO CINCO DE MAYO!!

Pee Es – And I don’t care what our friends from across the pond think or what you think, cause Mischa Barton is probably the mos beautiful girl in the world… hispecially when donin’ a a schoolgirl outfit or when slurping my jimmy jazzum [wish both were NSFW]

PS2 – I bee leave that this is the 1st ever review of a Lily Allen show, from last nite’s shazzle at YOYO

The 2006 NFL schedule has been unleashed!

And since everyone loves del Skins, and messiah-at-large, Daniel Jewmoney Snyder

Sep 11 – Minnesota, 7:00pm WIN
Sep 17 – @Dallas, 8:15pm WIN
Sep 24 – @Houston, 1:00pm WIN
Oct 1 – Jacksonville, 4:15pm WIN
Oct 8 – @N.Y. Giants, 1:00pm WIN
Oct 15 – Tennessee, 1:00pm WIN
Oct 22 – @Indianapolis, 4:15pm WIN
Week 8 – BYE WIN
Nov 5 – Dallas, 1:00pm WIN
Nov 12 – @Philadelphia, 1:00pm WIN
Nov 19 – @Tampa Bay, 1:00pm WIN
Nov 26 – Carolina, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 3 – Atlanta, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 10 – Philadelphia, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 17 – @New Orleans, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 24 – @St. Louis, 1:00pm WIN
Dec 30 – N.Y. Giants, 8:00pm WIN

17 and OH, inculding a huge upset over BYE
You heard it here furst!!!
(or more like 11-5… if Mark Brunell can last more than 2 games)

and btw, Antwaaaan is…

for Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, and mall openings

GO NATS, until it’s August!

and Andy Rooney on Katie Couric [via General Scarecroffs]

Lohag + Leo = LeHoHag???

[knicked from LBJ & Zzzizzler]

Lettuce hope they don’t form a production company… LLLDiC, LLC

at least for DIC’s sake

…which is the new ‘for fucks sake‘

Kobe Bryant: I wouldn’t mind being Jewish [Gulf of Sonkin]

WHATTTTTT???

NFL teases our dicks with a peek at next year’s TV goodies, including THREE T-giving games, the Manning Bowl (which should’ve been the kickoff game), and a double dip of MNF, including yer Washington Redskins vs the Sex Boaters

PG-13 beat-off matz arrives May 16th

Didn’t realize the Raconteurs were such Marble Madness fanatics

Didn’t realize I hated spelling until I Google-mis-spelled ‘Raconteurs’ for the 12974723904th time

Do you realize [d]…

…that Beck will never re-reach the heights he heighted back in the 99? Snooze Change? More like Boo Change!

Ali G + Jarvis Cocker = Pulp Non Fiction [Snoop Snobby Snobb]

Peep the trailer to
Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels
Snatch
Layer Cake
Lucky Number Slevin

Faye Dunaway is a crazy bitch!

The Rolling Stones loved Snap, Crackle, and Pop… what sez you Mr Burns? [LoMBardi]

5 Reasons to Watch Big Love

Whilst Keira K was roarin’ up her 20s as a flapper, and while we were fapping to the thought of her in a flipper costume, we stumbled upon these snaps from her Teddington School daze

[VanTangoBingoBango]

Eels line-up summer tour, with free pit stop at the World Financial Plaza

Bestestest Sarah Jessica Parker snapple? This one, with her face covered

The only way to get from Manhattan to JFK, HELICOPTER!

Miscast 8

Martine McCutcheon re-enlists as the PM’s tea lady, much to the delight of Tony Blair… then again, what doesn’t delight him

What the hell does Brian know?

Poop Hat [Mini-DV]

The GMU bandwagon is gettin crowded, for even Pedro Loves em

but not as much as the 284 crackhead junkies who picked them to win it all in ESPN’s Tournament Challenge (only 4 people correctly picked this year’s Final Four)

or ass much as me, Cousin Dan, or TVGasm, who all know who the real face of George Mason athletics be… George Mason!!!

[help via GMU Grad Student, The Thinker]

PS2 – Dash Render found the my future burial site: Dublin, OHHHHHHHHHH snap’s Field of Corn

pee es 3 – my new lucky number is slevirteen

PF Chang bangs BD Wong‘s gong all nite long while Shelly Long reads Shelley and Longfellow