Thighs Wide Shut

Harry Potter Poster Mash-Up Gallery

Star Wars Poster Mash-Up Gallery …all dough we’re none to happy that someone ripped off our Look Who’s Tarkin photochop

Australia
A Vegemighty Heart
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

There aints no other director out there that can make a movie spectacle quite the way that Baz Luhrmann can. He shirley takes his dang time crafting these crafty craftwerks (2001’s manic Moulin Rouge!, 1996’s kinetic Romeo + Juliet and 1992’s unrestricted Strictly Ballroom), and the results are always well worth the wait (if you aint a fan then what the elle do you know about movie magic anywayzz). Lurhmann took another 7 years to get his latest feature, Australia, on to screens, and while it may not be as spectacle-tacular as the Red Curtain Trilogy, he definitely tried to step it up a notch by going epic, in every sense of the word. This baby’s a bit shy of 3 hours and what you’ll get is like 287483 movies in one: part action, part adventure, 69 parts romance, and it’s all put on display with tender tears and sunny smiles (+ a lot o’ Wizard of Oz shout outs… fitting since it takes place in Oz) that are shed and smirked by both the actors onscreen and the audience taking it in. Although all these parts don’t necessarily blend perfectly together, it’s damn near impossible to walk away from this film and not be somewhat to beyond satisfied

We were a bit skeptical about the epic proportions as the movie began, but after Nicole Kidman‘s English aristocrat character touches down under at her deceased hubby’s ranch in barren walkabout country and takes charge, the movie qwikly/quigley follows suit. She’s more familiar with catcalls than cattle, but luckily she’s got a hunky horseman (Hugh Jackman, looking like a chiseled Clint Eastwood cowboy) and some Aborigines to help her keep the ranch from being swallowed up by the monopolizing competition (headed up by long lost F/Xer talent Bryan Brown). One native son in particular, a half white-half Aborigine boy (Brandon Walters, in a mos memorable debut) is the heart of the entire picture. His is torn between his two heritages and yet he’s not doing any of the tearing. The white peoples weren’t too fond of these mixed-race offspring (much to the dismay of motherly Kidman) and they tried there best to ‘civilize’ them (same issues also tackled in the film Rabbit-Proof Fence). This is the battle (and history lesson) being fought in the background of the film, while the struggle to keep the ranch independent occupies the forefront. Eventually David bests Goliath, but that’s when the movie really gets goings. The final act revolves around Japan’s initial attack on Australia during WWII. Friends, lovers and enemies (including Boromir’s hottie bro Faramir, David Wenham) are displaced, explosions go boom, and after all the smoke clears, everyone, for the moist part, lives happily ever after. A movie named after a country has certainly a lot to live up to and Baz does a wonderful job coloring in the map, even if it’s all over the map

Bruce Spence’s Teeth For Hire: filming some fantasy flick and need someone to sport some crazy arsed set o’ teeth? look no further than Bruce Spence (probably breast known as the Gyro Captain from two Mad Max flicks, and briefly appears in Australia as Dr. Barker), who chomped it up as Tion Medon in Episode III and The Mouth of Sauron in (the cutting room floor of) LOTR: ROTK

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Cadillac Records
Hail! Hail! Rock ‘n’ Roll’s Founders
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The rise and fall of the Chicago based Chess Records and how its Bluesy recording artists practically gave birth to the Rock n Roll era as we know it is lovingly chronicled in Darnell Martin‘s Cadillac Records (named as such since many of the artists were paid in Cadillacs). The film is bursting with personality, and then some, giving love and deserving respect to its founder Leonard Chess (Adrien Brody in a purty much thankless role… well, a lil less thankless than Emmanuelle Chriqui‘s, who plays his wife) and to its major players, their legendary tunes, and their personal demons — Muddy Waters (‘Hoochie Coochie Man’ and ‘Rollin’ Stone’, which was the inspiration for a certain band’s name) and his womanizing ways (Jeffrey Wright, lookin mighty smooth with that Billy Dee/Landosystem stache… then again, when isn’t Wright smooth?), Chuck Berry (‘Sweet Little Sixteen’, and a billion more) and his female indiscretions as well (Mos Def, effortlessly perfect in a role his seemed destined to play), Etta James (‘At Last’) and her nasty herion habit (Beyoncé Knowles, in her best screen performances to date… which is leaps and bounds better then what she did in the overbloated Dreamgirls ), Little Walter and his love of the bottle (Columbus Short who practically upstages the big guns with his minor role), and the meancing Howlin’ Wolf (Eamonn Walker, my, what big eyes you have!). The film covers quite a lot a ground in a short amount of time, and while each of these artists are worthy of their own biopics it’s still an absolute pleasure to be swept up in all the madness and mayhem that transgressed when they all crossed paths and broke barriers. The end result may feel more like a Wikipedia entry on the studio than a full-on examination, but you’ll be too busy toe-tapping and rocking out to the glorious soundtrack (the famous tunes are actually sung by the acting counterparts) to mind the missing details

Chuck Bassholes: the white man has always been stolenings the black man’s music (a topic covered in the film), but no rip off may be as blatant as The Beach Boys’ pilfering of Chuck Berry’s ‘Sweet Little Sixteen’ to create ‘Surfin USA’ (click that link to hear a comparison, courtesy of this fab site The Copy Cat). Berry successfully sued the Boys and has since been givin full songwriting credit for their song. Sometimes the opposite is true, as Ray Parker Jr famously stoles from whitey Huey Lewis in order to make the Ghostbusters theme the new drug that everyone wanted to take

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Cadillac Records joins Australia already playing at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

congratulations City of Lotherly Brove, but only cause you helpeded finally bringeth the basebore season to an end. otherwise, you suck. well, not really, but as long as the Eagles never win a Super Bowl, then we don’t care what the flip saunders happens. we’d probably care a lil bit morer if the Phillies were still rockin those 70s unis and caps and if Mike Schmidt was handing out free mustache rides and if we were sleeping on a bed made of Dalessandro’s steak & cheese sangwiches

meat the adorable cutie pie mcgee guest star from last week’s Gossip Girl Laura Leigh. she’s a recent Juilliard grad with two first names and no IMDb profile. she’ll be appearing in some play next month starring Jason Bigggggs. we want to pinch her cheeks, both sets

Jenna Fischer has a new beau, and sadly it’s not us or Beau Bridges

Lohag’s dressing up as a lesbian for Halloween

Kenley Spears hottier than Kenley Collins

the Jonas Bros get to molest Camille Belle and her eyebrows. wonder if this plea for her hand in marriage had anything to do with it

where have you gone Joe Dimaggio? and moist importantly, where the fred funk have you gone YouTube’s ‘original size’ button?

Deconstruction of Famous Personalities

Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron

What is the meaning of PEZ?

Coney Island Beard and Moustache Competition

Gameboy

SFW XXX, probably not so SFW [Time Werespanko]

we’re off to B-town tonight for mad ranch sauce farts
so no postage tomorrow
so get yer stamps st else wear

Appaloosa
The Mild Mild West
Trailers & Mo

With 2000’s Pollock, Ed Harris found a perfect subject and vehicle that not only displayed his usual wonderful acting skills, but also debuted his talent as a director. 8 years later comes his follow-up, Appaloosa, but this time he doesn’t hit the mark in the director’s chair or in the acting department. Harris plays Virgil Cole, a no nonsense marshal for hire who makes a decent living traveling with his mustached partner Everett Hitch (and History of Violence co-star Viggo Mortensen, who by far delivers the only commendable performance in the picture) from town to town that are in dire need of justice. They set up shop, with their own set of rules, in the city of… Appaloosa. The baddies they’re up against are led by Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons, whose accent is mos outta place here), a man we’re told is an awful human being, but other than shooting 3 guys in the opening scene, he seems like a decent fellow… at least someone who’s a lil more colorful than the bland Virgil and Everett. V and T eventually arrest Bragg, then he gets rescued by his bandit buddy yes men, so they have to chase after him again, and after they capture him again, he escapes again, and so on and so forth. This game of cat and mouse is about as thrilling as playing Mouse Trap w/o all those doohickeys on the board. There’s really no need to mention Renée Zellweger‘s character Allison French, a newly arrived widow who wakes up the dead emotions stewing inside Virgil, but her actions and feelings flip-flop back and forth more than John Kerry that it literally drove us insane, even more so than that sour lemon face she makes ,and even more so so than the horrid musical score and the Tom Petty song played in the closing credits

We’re not really big fans of westerns, and this slow rolling, virtually actionless talk fest only increases our distaste of the genre. While Appaloosa strives to be a different kind of oater film then the ones of old, it ultimately ends up with nothing new to offer. It’s not as long winded (and long running timed) as last year’s The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, yet it’s not nearly as appealing either. At least Jesse James was based on history instead of fiction. And compared to the overly enjoyable 3:10 To Yuma remake Harris’ joint feels like 3:10 To Snoozema. This aint no shoot em up, it’s a shoot em downer

Western Union: our mos flavorite western of all time isn’t even a movie, it be those Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum ads from the 80s, starring the Gum Fighter

Verdictgo: Viggo keeps this baby alive, so Very Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Duchess
Duking It Out
Trailers & Mo

Imagine if Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice went against her heart and better judgment and an ended up marrying the dreadful Mr Collins. Now you have a picture of what The Duchess is all about, and it’s not hard to fathom considering Keira Knightley starred in both P&P and as the title character in this new film, based on the bumpy life of Georgiana Cavendish ( née Spencer, and yes actually realted to Princess Di) Duchess of Devonshire. Knightley’s knight in not so shining armor is the Duke of Devonshire (Ralph Fiennes), a cold man more interested in a male heir than having Georgiana as his wife. He treats her like a dog, although he treats his dogs a lot better than he treats her. She has no choice but to go along with it, for the sake of her own place in society and the 2 daughters she already sired with him. Things get complicated when G (the Duke’s nickname for her) befriends Lady Elizabeth ‘Bess’ Foster (rising star Hayley Atwell) and she moves into their palatial manor. Sparks fly between Bess and the Duke, and once again, G has no choice but to play along. She finds a bit of happiness in the arms of an old admirer, and future Prime Minister Charles Grey (the powerful-eyed, yet dull Dominic Cooper, last seen as the groom in Mama Mia!) and even dares to ask the Duke to set her free to him. He obviously can’t be having that, for the sake of his reputation, so the game of Three’s A Crowd continues. Poor G, but at least she gets to sport awesome hairdos! If yer a fan of stuffy British costume dramas, you’ll be right at home with this decent flick that’s excels mainly because it all really happened. As for those who aren’t, you may want to stay away and juss rent the one stuffy British costume drama that’s required viewing: Barry Lyndon

Gains(borough) and Losses: the history of the endless lost and finding of Gainsborough’s painting Georgiana Duchess of Devonshire

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

A Thousand Years of Good Prayers
83 Minutes of Good Stuff
Trailers & Mo

If China had a Lifetime channel A Thousand Years of Good Prayers would be playing repeatedly as a movie of the week. While it’s more centered on a father (Henry O, not to be confused with O Henry or the Oh Henry cnady bar), it still has a lot to do with his daughter (Feihong Yu), and the disconnection between the two. The widowed father lives in China and decides to visit his daughter in the dreary Pacific Northwest. Now that mom’s passed on, the two have little in common, but daddy tries his best to make up for lost time. This sweet and quiet film by Wayne Wang is a return to form to his earlier films in a similar vein, which focus on keeping up with Chinese culture in America. It’s nice to see Wang back in this place again instead of delivering Hollywood drivel, like giving Queen Latifah her Last Holiday or making J-Lo be Maid in Manhattan

Keep A Thigh On: that Russian guy Pavel Lychnikoff (sometimes credited as Pasha D. Lychnikoff, Pasha Lychnikoff, Pavel D. Lychnikoff, Pasha Lynchinkov, Pasha D. Lynchnikoff, Pasha Lynchnikoff, Pavel D. Lynchnikoff and Pasha Lynchnikov). he briefly pops up in Prayers as the daughter’s lover, with not much to do cept stand and look Russian. you may have already seen him somewhere before, maybe as a Russian Commie bastard solider in Crystal Skull or perhaps as a Russian guy in Cloverfield or perchance as a Russian guy in Charlie Wilson’s War or percapita as a Russian guy on Deadwood

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three films open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…