Thighs Wide Shut

Twilight Saga: New Moon
My So-Called Monster Squad
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

You got an instant lady’s take on New Moon and nows you gots a well belated one from yours drooly. WHOOPTY DOOOO! Well, we are not a womans, but we do enjoy hunky mens cause we is 1/18ths gays. Jacob is way hunkier than Edward and Jacob is way better for Bella than Edward, but who cares cause Bella isn’t worth anyone’s hunkiness. Her dad has a mustache so she probably has one too. Plus she always looks way too distraught, in a sorta Chloe from 24 meets Willie McGee I’m about to fart face, but maybe not as flatulent. The first movie was fun and the second one was not as. There was no crazy baseballs. There was also no nekkid Ashley Greene, but that was also a problem with the first movie. Michael Sheen did show up and wasn’t playing someone British for once and that was kinda neat, but we didn’t understand that whole bit about being in some Italian city with red cloaked people and then Dakota Fanning was there without her retarded dad Sam, and she wasn’t raped either and she’s old as sh%t and then like someone grabs Edward and throws him to the ground and stuff! OH NO!! Huh? Who cares! We don’t, but we care about Jacob. Bet he’s feeling really vulnerable right about now. Maybe if we fall down and hit our head he can tear off his shirt and wipe our fiveheads with it. JACOB!!!!!!!!!!!! we wants to climb your ladder AND your abs!!!!!!!!!!!! Haven’t read the books but guess that Jacob doesn’t win Bella’s heart so therefore the next two movies will blow, unless Ashley Greene gets nekkid and gets on top of a nekkid Jacob. Team Redskins!

Moon Patrol: although relatively new, peas never 5get Devin Hester’s full moon

Verdictgo: whatevs.net, but still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

New Moon is currently being eclipsed at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Precious: Based on the
Novel Push by Sapphire
The Anonymous B.I.G.
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

In the past couple of decades, African-American dramas have been dominated by Spike Lee’s joints, Tyler Perry’s disjoints, blackstoric epics told by white men (Color Purple, Glory) and one and done eye/thigh-openers (Singleton’s Boyz ‘N the Hood and the Hughes Bros’ Menace II Society), so when an imaginative film that’s equally as crushing as it is uplifting, like Lee Daniels Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (almos a curious a title as The Men Who Stare At Goats) is, comes along, you have to consider it to be one of the best of that bunch. However, when you take it out of that genre, it’s still a sight to be seen, but we wouldn’t exactly say that this elevated after school special is the most special and precious thang that one has seen in ages, as the hype machine been sayin ever since it’s debut at Sundance

Precious (Gabourey Sidibe, in an unforgettable career-defining, career-ending performance… seriously, where does she go from here besides Nikki Blonskyland?) is an obese, illiterate school girl with one mentally challenged daughter and another kid on the way thanks to some rapage by her momma’s baby momma. Said momma aint no role model neither, as she’s the nightmareiest of nightmare mothers (Mo’Nique, one bark away from ‘NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!!‘), and finds every which way to welch welfare checks and mentally and physically abuse her once precious Precious at the same time. There’s nowhere to go but down, but since this is a movie, ya juss know that things will slowly start to turn around. Precious escapes hell through fantasy (seen numerous times, which sometimes feels a little out of place and pace), and eventually escapes her horrid public school by being transferred to an alternative one where teachers (namely the luscious, soulful Paula Patton, see below) actually care and her classmates have better things to do than tease her, like being her friend, something she’s in dire need of. Yeah, the story is a tad predictable, yet it doesn’t completely head down the cliched alley that it seems like it’s heading directly towards

Precious delivers roundly (pun intended) on the talents of its cast (with unlikely solid turns from a no-make-uped/mustachioed Mariah Carey, replacing Helen Mirren???, and a sunglassesless Lenny Kravitz) and a starkly muted mise-en-scène that captures a rundown NYC in the 80s to a T. One of the more revealing kudos that the film has earned is the lending of Tyler Perry(and Oprah)’s own name to the credits to ensure a wider audience, hispecially when his chitlin’ circuitry works lean more toward a ForUsByUs nature. Yes, Precious is black, but her tale of rising above a stack of shitty circumstances will hit home with anyone, regardless of skin color. Don’t know if the same can be said about Madea, who belongs in cinema hell right next to Ernest

Patton Pending: why is Precious the first we’ve ever heard or seen of the gooooorgeous Paula Patton????? oh yeah, maybe cause we skipped out on Hitch, Idlewild, Deja Vu, Swing Vote and Mirrors. did we miss much with any of those? thinks snot, unless she totally had a shower scene in all of them. oh wait, she DOES have a shower scene in Deja Vu! and whaaaaat, she’s married to Alan Thicke’s son, WTF?!!@@@!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Men Who Stare At Goats
Mind Over Does It Matter?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Apparently there was a unit within the US army that specialized in implementing really odd mind tricks in fighting our enemies. Some of them were used in the war on terror and yes, one of them tactics involved staring at goats. Strange! but true!! it muss be cause Jon Ronson wrote a book about it!!! Fascination abound!!!! but the movie (directed by Goodnightgoodlucker Grant Heslov) made from that book is more foolish (not a bad thing at all) than hard factual (can we handle the truth?), and while we laffed and laffed and laffed sum mo, ultimately wees was like, well, what’s the point of all this sensenon? So go in not expecting a point and come out experiencing the closest thing we’ll get to a Lebowski sequel… til The Big Lebowski II happens, which it won’t and shouldn’t, but why shouldn’t it? Doesn’t Tara Reid need a job? Dude, are we serious? Dude, where’s your car? Dude, anytime Jeff Bridges is playing a hairy stoner and forces George Clooney to dance like a jackass, and Clooney in turn has to explain to Ewan McGregor what a Jedi is and Kevin Spacey has a super gay mustache AND isn’t super annoyi
ng, it has got to count for something over nothing, is wees right? Of course wees is, cause ours mums said wees was always right, eggcept when wees was left!!!

Escape Goats: a majority of the book/film is based off of The First Earth Battalion Operations Manual [peep the whole thing in pdf form], pieced together by Lieutenant Colonel crackpot Jim Channon, the basis for the Lebowski II character

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

That Evening Sun
Tennessee Ill-ones
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Hal Holbrook, zero Oscar wins. His That Evening Sun co-star Ray McKinnon, one Oscar win (it was for a short film). Is there justice in this world? No, except DAVID JUSTICE! And that fact aint gonna stop Hal, who has always chipped in credible incredible work as an actor’s actor (usually playing Abe Lincoln or Twain), from trying. He mcnabbed his very first Academy nod recently in Into The Wild and aints stopping there, not going gentle into that not goodnight. Scott Teems adaptation of William Gay‘s short story is short on story (and reeked of upyo AND An Unfinished Life), but Hal’s work as a grumpy old man refusing to let go of his farm and home to a white trash family (McKinnon + Carrie Preston & Mia Wasikowska) is as good as it gets in terms of performances, and as father time clicks on Holbrook’s book (see Peter O’Toole in Venus), it’s a memorable late chapter even it’s not exactly a page turner, or a Tina Turner neither, or Ted, Michael, Bachman Overdrive, et al

Not So Whistlin’ Dixie: Holbrook’s real life wife Dixie Carter plays his real dead wife in the film. she speaks no words. her last movie that she probably had a line of dialog in was back in 2001. Poor Dix. and what, they couldn’t give a part to Meshach Taylor whiles theys waz add it?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Goats goes baaah most everywheres, while Precious & Sun rise in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

it aint no Col Mustard

but meth-less Andre Aggasi (planned ages before his revelation)

was still game, set, snatch!

nice to see that Ron Weasley has good taste, but Tony Kornheiser’s Childress costume takes the prize

Halloween sluts 2009, NY edition

Andy Rooney and wees share a lot of hate, hispecially for that shoe bomber dude who ruined everything

told you Clay Zavada would win ‘stache of the year by a hair

smelly armpits > Bumpits

&

Jamie Graham is making us cracker [NSFW]

the most pressing question facing our country today doesn’t involve the economy, red red swine flu or when is the bestest time to walk out on Antichrist (trick question, cause you should never ever enter a theater playing that movie!), but slain and pimple, who will win The 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year?????

our vote and money is on D-back/not a d-bag Clay Zavada!!!

Bronson
Jail Wish
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

One day in 1972, a 22 year old man named Michael Gordon Peterson was looking for a purpose in life and found it after being jailed for robbing a post office for a grand total of £26.18 (and no, that wasn’t a very large number back then). For most, the process of living is either halted or temporarily delayed when incarcerated, but for the real life Mr Peterson, who would eventually rechristen himself Charles Bronson, it had the exact opposite effect, as the English penal system somehow liberated his warped mind, taut body and soulless-soul. When he was eventually released, it didn’t take him very long to get right back to where he belonged, behind bars, and due to his unruly hostility towards other inmates and prison employees alike (he’s been dubbed the ‘most violent prisoner in Britain’), he spent a lot of that time in solitary confinement. Bronson was released a second time and didn’t last more than 2 months on the streets before being locked up again, where he’s been ever since

Nicolas Winding Refn‘s visually and aurally arresting (pun intended?) portrait of the man starts off with a bunch o’ big bangs, and as we sat there being udderly mesmerized by this auspicious beginning, we got a gut feeling that this film could end up being one of the bestest, mos inventive ones we’ve seen this decade. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. It didn’t necessarily end with a whimper, but it didn’t really seem to go anywhere cept in the same circle of mischief in which Bronson, goes pound for pound, round and round, again and again. Going nowhere may be the point, but after watching about 30 minutes of it, you kinda want to be released from it on yer own recognizance. Such a pity it turned out this way, as Tom Hardy‘s hard-boiled, no holds barred bars holds brilliant performance as the title character is as eye and thigh opening as Carey Mulligan werk in An Education

Sorry critics, but Bronson is certainly not this generation’s Clockwork Orange, no matter how much Kubricky nods Refn throws up on the screen. Plus anyone who has a cinema brain knows that our generation’s ACO has already been made. It’s called Trainspotting, and it’s the only Danny Boyle piece that truly deserves a Best Picture Oscar

MUST Stache: Bronson/Hardy’s mustache makes us want to eat Pringles and play Tapper all day long!!!

Verdictgo: moist sad to say with all the promise it had, but Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Peter And Vandy
Well, Are They or Aren’t They?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

He’s Peter (Jason Ritter)! She’s Vandy (Jess Weixler)! Together they are Peter AND Vandy! Apart they are still Peter and Vandy! This movie is about… PETER AND VANDY! Sometimes they’re deep in love, in each other’s pants, and other times fighting about nonsensical things like using two knifes to make PB&J. OH THE HUMANITY! Writer/director Jay DiPietro presents their relationship in a low-budget, non-linear, jumpy, in love, out of love manner, and without this lil style choice, P&V woulda been juss another boy meets girl, boy loses girl, enter whatever conventional love story ending you can think of type dealio here. Well, it basically is still that, even with the ‘tricks’, and that is that

Not Coming Soon To A Theater Near Jews, Muslims or Gentiles: Peter Vandy, the biopic!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Sorta Worth A Peepers, we guess?

P&V are together and apart in NY & LA today, while Bronson bides its time in NY only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…