Thighs Wide Shut

Say what you will about Labor, Arbor or Secretary’s Day, but thighs down, there is no better American holiday than Spanksgiving. Everyone in our mostly fine country celebrates it, regardless of race, color, smell, or updog. If yer not eating pie on the third Thursday in November, then you probably aint gonna make it with anyone anyhow. So in honor of Honor Blackman‘s boning of Principal Onyx Blackman while listening to Onyx‘s ‘Slam'[d], we give spanks, and misgivings, and Earnest Givens

Spanksgiving!
-for my mother’s redonkey-donk greasy spoon
-for Joe Gibbs listening to Jesus’ call to bench Mark Brunell
-for Cliff Engle
-for Goldenfiddle
-for Orbit’s Lemon-Lime gum
-for Shitney giving her ho the heave
-for Garyland’s 7-0 start that may wash away memories of missing the tourney for the past 2 years and this, Navi the Terrible Bowler’s desktop background image
-for the color combo of green and yellow
-for Amy Ruth’s candied yams
-for The Onion‘s headlines
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors, and for those who boo his name when they see his Apocalypto trailer in theaters
-for Under Armour undies, they protect this house, and by house i mean my sweaty ball sac and killer dong!
-for Jhoon Rhee’s ‘Nobody Bother Me’ commercial
-for saucy red-heads with everlasting smiles
-for Spike TV’s Bond-A-Thon & AudioGarden’s Casino Royale KILLAH Bond theme
-for the moment I get my grubby lil hands on the Nintendo Wii
-for Drew Brees’ fantasy numbers that actually make Peyton Manning benchable in my keeper league
-for 1/20/09
-for Maryland’s world’s bestest flag
-for Borat’s endless curiosity of packaged cheese
-for Dan Steinberg’s Sports Bog
-for Sesame Chicken
-for bowling
-for Matthew leaving Eleanor at home to put her boots back on
-for mustaches
-for the return of Kelly Leak

Misgivings!
-for that cacophony of crap that is Timb Lake’s ‘Sexy Back’
-for the NFL Network
-for HD-DVD & Blu-Ray
-for mircowaved tunafish
-for Mel Gibson showing his true colors
-for Nazis
-for Surf Nazis, who must die
-for my State Comptroller
-for Tower Records’ closing
-for the NBA
-for Philly’s Mütter Museum‘s love of all things mad yuck, including but not limited to sliced sections of the human head
-for NBC picking up Studio 60 for the whole season, thus forcing me to watch overly dramatic shiz that doesn’t need to be dramatic
-for Libby Gelman-Waxner’s mostly worthless ‘If You Ask’ articles in Premiere
-for Jessica Shaw’s always worthless Shaw Report in EW
-for the Lions, who should be banned from Turkey Day
-for Gustav Graves

Earnest Givens!

P.T.F.O.
2
Brando’s pintsize costar
slash
Pedro’s lucky midget
slash
the long lost triplet
of everyone’s flavorite
twin douche bags
Nelson de la Rosa

1968 – 2006

addish p.t.f.o.s go out to the Live & Let Die gator, and to an ironic pair, an actress from the OG House of Wax and Spoony Singh, who founded Hollywood’s wax museum

schlappy 5th B-day to PTI, arguably the greatest sports TV show since 1959’s Home Run Derby, which is greatly lackin in internets love

Damon Albarn and co debuted their latest project The Good, The Bad, & The Queen in a tiny lil pub. Peep this clip of them performing, with Albarn off screen, ‘Herculean’ [d]

given listenage to 4 of the hot new tracks from The Who’s Endless Wire disc, their first release since 1982!! I don’t think I ever gottsen around to writing up a review for their show that I saw at MSG last month, but sirprizing lee the new tunes bode millered well against their back catalog

George McFly, the Retrocrush Interview

my girl Garvey looks mighty groovy dolled up in 06’s hottiest H’ween costume

[+ Pinder’s December UK Maxim pics]
They’re rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrracist!

Fast Food Nation screenings for sum

The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror I-XVI

How did popcorn become a popular snack at movie theaters?

Marion Barry drops the white balls for the yellow ones [Steiner]

bestest blog name since Double Dumb A$$ On You: Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom (peep their ‘Jerseys To Avoid‘ ditty) [Hisconsin]

the return of NSFW YTMD fun: The Neverending Ass [Roll Left Co]

and the Borat flick (watch the first 4 minutes of it IF u muss) pree-shmeared in LA LA land last nite complete with all the Kazak trimmins one would eggspect. So for the man behind the mustache, the real question is what’s next? Apparently more of the same, but with 99 purr scent less fermented horse urine and pubis hair. And you didn’t axe for them, (dave) butz yer shirley gonna get em… even mo deleted Borat scenes!!!

GO YOU!

why you? cause ewes and only yous and yer deep pockets can turn yer dearest Thigh Master into the next Zach Slow:

[bid away vias con Roachclipo]
yeah, you remember Lily Allen dearest, write? well yer mumble narrator, who practically made her a star, still throb hearts her like mad. and while we’ll be czechin her shiz up and down at her first US stop, Rocktober 10th at the Hiro, we’d still like to take her on a blinged out date complete with 18 inch salami slaps to the face! and while you empty your wallets, I’m stealing Andy Roddick’s mojo circa ’05 and rizockin out to my flav LA tune of the momes: ‘Friday Night’ [duhvs course!]

^¶title jacked from Team Tiger Awesome

special spanks to SPax-man for the pun brain and barn storming

Besides my fear of William Fichtner’s ninehead, why aint I watching Prison Break again?

and why isn’t Holly Valance in everything?

belated Peace the Forkinin’s to Ann Richards, Sven Nykvist & Murphy Brown’s barkeep

Hot Chicks with Douchebags: I went to college with those twins ‘bags edish [Shady Harrison]

The April photo from Wilford Brimley’s Children Heart Oatmeal calendar

The Encyclopedia of Lesbian Movie Scenes [NSFGayMen]

In My Arms

one marsh worth gettin sticky with [NSFW via SS]

How did ‘knock-knock’ jokes get started?

What’s up with vacuum cleaner wounds to the penis?

The Top Ten College Pranks of All Time

free passes to The R Lee Ermey Massacres A Franchise Pt II

Hall of the World’s Ugliest Corvette.

Where Babies Come From in Germany [Mustard King of Cleveland]

sorry can’t help you there: leslie ann warren likes black cock & Buju Wonton

and Tremors II meets Jane Fonda…

[Marwanicure]

Chris Isaak
Beacon Theater
Aug 17th, 2006

In the history of man, there are only three that I’d go 400% gay for, no preguntas asked: Jude Law, Damon Albarn, and Alexander the Grape (green helmets really turn me on for some reason). Whoops, I omitted someone. Someone very special. No, not Chris Burke, but the dude who hasn’t aged a day over 31 and who’s perfect singing voice could probably make any female’s pelvic region gush more than the falls that the car goes over in Romancing The Stone at the drop of a hat…tie mcdaniel’s oscar, being dropped! It’s the dude who’s song I hearded and hearted in the fantaboulous David Lynch film, which was lucky enuff to be sangwhiched between Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks, Wild At Heart. Spunkily for us all, the Lynch directed film helped said song and said dude find a wider audience, but happarently the Lynch directed music video was not jib cutting enuff, so Herb Ritts went out and created a 2.69 versh that when dropped in the Feb of the ’91 on an un-suck-specting world instantly scratch-offedly become the sexiest music video of BALLS THYME

Dearest Chris, Helena, & Herb^±,

Thanks for taking part in the mos JOing-iest music video of all time. Like those stoopid women who never realized men didn’t want to bang them until they read He’s Just Not That Into You, it never dawned on me that I wanted to nail super hot topless chicks with crazy dark eye make-up on black & white beaches while cumulonimbus clouds that not even Bob Ross could wet dream up float at the speed of Speed Racer using the eraser at the bottom of a number 1 pencil until I was 14 years of age and I made dirty to the beautiful images Adam Curry was pumping into my rent’s living room. How can I ever repay you? Besides ceasing and desisting from sending this same eggzact letter to you each and every day?

K.I.T. (keep in touch!)

Xoxoxoxo,

Thigh Maestro

wait, what the fork were we blathering blatherskiting about? Oh yeah, how much we’d totally bone Chris Isaak, even if he force-fed us microwaved tunafish covered in microwaved gefilte fish. We’ve felt this way ever since the ’91, but to be honest, the man hasn’t been much on our radar o’reilly screens since our copy of Baja Sessions arrived in the mail spanks to my 818th account under an assumed name at BMG Music Service. Spank the lord then that CI was still on my list of muss see performers before they or I perish (alongside such luminaries as Neil Diamond and ABBA, but not such luminaries as Eric Clapton and Bob Dylan) cause otherwise he may have completely been Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minded out of my mind for all eternaltality (besides the off chance of catching Fire Walk With Me, Married To The Mob, The Silence of the Lambs, or Little Buddha on the telly)

I was a bit skeptical at first when Chrissy came out on stage (probably juss the bad acid flashbacks I get from time to time of the Huey Lewis & The News Bowery Ballroom show I saw where they started off playing 10 new songs that no one wanted to hear… hispecially the dude who kept screaming ‘GHOSTBUSTERS!’), but I was easily put at ease like Eazy-E eating Easy Cheese at Chuck E Cheese’s after a few songs in when Chris himself climbed 2 flights of stairs to visit us peons in the cheap seats (btw, probably the bestest 30 clams I spent on balcony seats mt everest)! And from dat point on my pelvic area began to gush along with all the other ladies’ cause Isaak’s croontastic voice was crisper and clearer than Coco Crisp heartily enjoyin a bowl of Cookie Crisp soaked in Crystal Pepsi. He so rocks. He so rules. He so fine he blew my mind. He has the so bestest hair. The so bestest complexion. I bet he drives a hot car. I bet he gets hot carls in that hot car in the drive-thru window at Carl’s Jr. Did I mention that in the encore that he wore a mirrorball suit? You can’t get much kooler and the ganger than that! If it did, I’d probably have to cut off my johnson and send it to him in the mail

set list (+ mo from the Leg Humpinidness of the Knobbery)

* Lonely With a Broken Heart
* Let’s Have a Party
* Let Me Down Easy
* Speak of the Devil
* Dancin’
* Somebody’s Crying
* Wicked Game
* Go Walking Down There
* King Without a Castle
* One Day
* Want You To Want Me (Cheap Trick cover)
* Here I Stand
* Two Hearts
* Except the New Girl^Â¥
* Graduation Day
* Can’t Do a Thing to Stop Me
* I Love You Too Much
* Only the Lonely (Roy Orbison cover)
* Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing
* Don’t Be Cruel (Elvis cover)
* Gone Ridin’
Encore
* Blue Hotel
* San Francisco Days
* Bonnie Bee
* Blue Spanish Skies

If you read this far and don’t give two Massive-two-shits about the Isaak, I implore you to investigate one of the more underrated artists of the past 20 years. Start with the obvious (Heart Shaped World< /a>), knock out his bestest nextus (San Francisco Days), and then get yer own pelvic region flowin with another goodie but not so oldie (Forever Blue). Truss the man and you’ll be as right as Rain Pryor

Nobody loves no-one
unless of corpse
yer the effin TM
and you totally want to bone Chris Isaak

this posting was not sponsored in part by Kathleen Turner Overdrive

^±even though Herb peaced the fork 4 years ago, I still send his estate a letter per day

^Â¥I always thought he was saying ‘Accept The Nude Girl’ [d fo yo self and never listen to it again the same 4eva]