Thighs Wide Shut

I cannot bee leave that I waited 27 precious years to taste an actual cheese steak in the city that made it famous, Illadelphia. What really puzzles my noodle even more is when I finally tried the so-called ‘bestest of the restest’, Pat’s & Geno’s, I was less impressed than when I found out the ‘special guest player’ at one year’s annual Oriole Fan Picnic at Memorial Stadium was none other than relief shitbag pitcher Kevin Hickey (alternate great pic). Btw, I wonder if the autographed photo I have of him is worth less or more then the johnhancocked card I have of Dale Sveum. But all that hate was so then, and this is so the now. After heeding the advice of you dear readers and consulting the brillsness of HollyEats.com (who rates yumminess by grease stains), I vowed to my stomach and taste buds to avenge my earlier disappointment and find the ultimate c-steaks that Philly had to offer.

Luckily, me and the rents (recently voted as 2 of the Top 50 Mos Hottiestest People) were in Benny Frank’s backyard this past weekend to catch the muss-see-of-muss-sees: the Dali eggzibit at the PMA, and had plenty of time to try not one, but TWO glorious out of the way Gardens of Greasen. Yep, my rentals are cool like that. I mean, they hail from the same city as Nelly & Busch Beer. And I already had a good feeling about them both, since none had an official website. First up was Chink’s. Awful name, polar opposite of awful food. After that first bite, I felt a giant weight and hate lifted off my shoulders. Alas, I was finally tasting a c-steak that would make our Founding Fathers proud when they valley-forged this great nation of ours. I almost ‘ummmmed’ and ‘yummmed’ more than Rachael Ray on a typical episode of 40 Dollas a Day. I washed it down with a banana and strawberry milkshake that was so tres tasty that I almost forgot I was enjoying c-steak royalty.

Our final pit stop took us to some area across del rio called Roxborough, where the Patriots don’t play, but the eaters prey on the umcrediblenessness of Dalessandro’s. Talk about ambrosia of the gawds!! The reasonably priced mammoth c-steak was overLOADED with scrumdeliumptious minced beef and purrrrfectly blended with melted cheese (btw pt 56, neither place seemed to offer ‘Cheese Whiz’ as an option, which calls into question the authenticity of the claim that it is a muss have on c-steaks). I kept trying to compare it to Chink’s, but that’s almost as daunting as deciding who should next ascend to the title of Her Royal Thighness, Mandy ‘Can I have sum’ Moore or Mischa Mistress?

As the day wore on and my burps and farts grew nastier and swampassier, I had no doubt in my mind that out of all 4 c-steaks I’ve ever tried in Motown Philly, Dalessandro’s was top of the class, with Chink’s and that nana-berry shake coming in a close second. Papa Thigh Master agreed with yours drooly, but dearest Mumsy preferred C’s more. But can we really trust her judgment when she didn’t nosh on either one with the bun and judged by meat alone? And the moral of this tale? Philly rocks and so do their infamous c-steaks. They key is knowing where to go, and in my opinion, u have to travel as far from the city center as possible to get the goods. Let liberty ring, whilst I finally take a dump. Til next time, I’m the Thigh Master, and you wish you were me.

Let the debate continue…

• Life juss hasn’t been the same since Lord of The Rings ran its course and ran out of stories to tell each Christmastime (boy that was truly a golden age of awesomenessness, right?). Since then, there really hasn’t been any movie worth looking fwd too. C’mon, you can’t be serious that yer foaming at the pants with eggcitment for Episode III?? You think Hayden Crapysen all of the sudden learned how to act over the last 3 years? Well, my pessimism has turned to optimus-prime-mizzim after peepin the trailer for The Chronicles of Narnia: The L, W, & the W! Lettuce get all crunked up cause this one looks off the meat and your mother’s rack.

• What do you get when you cross IT’S PAT’S SAUCY V-MAILS and ROSIE THE RIVETING RETARD? THIS!!!!! [via the Unstoppable Gasm of TV]

• Before Wax, Cuthies had never been to a wax museum. She had too many better things to do, like pick up my dry cleaning, make me waffles, and bathe me. Either way, none of this eggsplains why Kingdom of Boredom beat Wax at this weekend’s box office. And is there a chance Cuthsplurt could be coming back to 24? “I don’t wanna come back unless it’s incredible and amazing and something wild and fun. If I come back I wanna come back in a big way.” And by incredible, amazing, wild, fun and a big way, she’s talking about my cak. Anywayz, had she been cast as Lois Lane, no one would have ever had to read this!

• Da Da Vinci Code‘s teaser poster

• Why?

• Free passes to Lords of Dogtown in NYC and Bewitched AND Stripes (?) in various cities!

• Ali-G Ring Weapon Charge Quashed

• KittenWar.com

• Ouch in words and Ouch in video [via Marv/ItzrRichy]

• What’s the world’s greatest blog, that isn’t a blog? This collection of one customer’s Amazon reviews. [via Natty-lie-t]

• I love it when Yessica gets cold and Jenna gets wet [wetness-NSFW]

• Everyone’s flavorite game: Computer Programmer or Serial Killer? [via Clevetown Mustard King]

• WTF, the animated gif [via My Ole Kenspunky Home]

• These three peeps all have to get on a bus and drive off a cliff. Please, don’t act all sirprized by all this.

• And if I were to ever make a music video, I’d force Mischa Mistress the MIXLIX to dress like this

[via UMC]

And Robert Palmerize the rest

House of Wax
Wax Off ON!
View Trailer

Sick of all these horror remakes that are about as scary as The Great Muppet Caper? Well BREAST assure peeps, cause the House of Wax is the real deal! And by real deal, I mean GREATEST HORROR MOVIE STARRING PURTY DURTY TEENS SINCE Scream, as I declared after catching it at the Tribeca Film Fest. Don’t spank me wrong, this isn’t on par with the hedgemazingness of The Shining, but with all the poop-a-doop that the studios have been shoving down our thrizz as of late (Freddy vs. Pointless, The Michael Bay Massacring of The Entire Horror Genre) I was udderly sirprized at how enthralling AND thrilling it truly was. About an hour into the movie, me was thinking to meself, hey me, this movie has gone on for about an hour and you know what me, it DOESN’T SUCK!! It also didn’t hurt that this is the first movie starring Elisha Cuthbest, post-Her Royal Thighness the II coronation, so o’ course I’m gonna give this movie the highest of high marks I can gives it. I mean, I still wanna get laid by the Mrs, right? In total, there must of been 54 qts of liquid (drool & jizz) emitted by me during the course of the film (ranks 3rd best of all time in my record books). And aint dem wax figures naturally freaky by design? I know they scare the livin bejesus outta me… hispecially this one I saw of Whoopi Goldberg in San Antonio. I’ve seen the original 3-D version of H of W and Paris wuz right, she and Elisha are much hotter than Vincent Price. I’d like to add that their version is also much hottier and scarier too! See it NOW, or I’ll have Jack Bauer come to your house and scream ‘NOW’ in your ears until they bleed wax.

Recommended for those who like: sweaty men, dirty laundry, and seeing Coach Carter’s son spend a night in Paris.

Possible Porno Name: House of Wax Dat Ass, DUHVS!

Unsatisfied with this? Then you obvs aint a ThighsWideReader. Go back to your boring sites or wherever u came from and NEVER come back!

• So what happens the day after I tell Cuthy about my sexploits and thighersizzing with Ivanka? She goes and stars in a movie with that so-called ‘hunk’ Chad Michael Jerry Albert Calvin Murray, and has been fiddilin’ about with some guy named Trace. Is that even a name or is that a verb. At least my name is a noun, proper and regular stizz. Why are you doing this to me Cuthbest?? I guess I’ll juss have to follow you everywhere you go. Even for the promotional stuff, with corn and sunglasses in tow. [for more on Teen Vogue visit Not The Subway Guy, via A-Baby!]

• Pretty In Pink 2: Duckie’s Revenge was all a hoax? [via Witzy]

• Damon cries in the name of the Kaiser Chiefs. Speaking of, they were listed on the mega-bill with the Killers, Keane, etc, for the June show at Merriweather Post Pavilion, but aint on the Ticketbastard page. Anywho, the tix for the go sale Saturday. Maybe I should go to this. I mean, the last time I was there was to see the Wu-Tang Clan back in 1643. My friend Raykwan drank so much, he puked here, there, and everywhere, and was hugging a tree by night’s end.

• It better be called 3 Fast, 3 Furious OR ELSE!

• Does this mean we’ll be forced to see Rampling’s jungle of a bush again?

• The Thrills demanded to know ‘What Ever Happened to Corey Haim‘, well, after looking at this pic and watching this interview, they may wanna withdrawl that question. I feel so bad for the guy, but hey, if Gus van Sant ever decided to make a shot for shot remake of The Goonies, he could always cast him as Chunk, and let Vince Vaughn play Sloth. Anywho, wanna remember happier, leaner times for the Haimster? Click here and go past Frank & Pat. [via MerWiz]

• Sorry lizadies, but Alan Thicke is off the market, AGAIN.

• This is almost as painful to watch as any J-Lo movie. [via Ceffle Diddle Daddle]

• 99% Plastic & 1% Woman, and 2112% pointless.

• It’s no Hasslecrotch, but good enuff. [via Xerofall]

• Driver’s Nose Broken By Frozen Sausage

• Ron Mexico Name Generator & A blog dedicated to aeiral Google Maps [vias Gorilla Mozilla]

• Oh, and for those who care about such thangs, by the time I finished writin’ this post, me & the Mrs. kissed and made up. We also licked each other’s grundles for 3 straight and gay hours. After that, we moseyed on over to Popeyes for a 10-piece dark meat dinner special. We also had time post-grease fest to go to Sears and get a portrait dunn up with some of our closest friends: Pat, Numma Newms, Bud, Paris, and even the Kid. We truly are the luckiest people in the world.

• Gotta love the geniusessez behind Superman Returns. First off, they dissed Tom Welling (the world’s greatest living actor) and cast Brandon Rououththuouth to play the Man of Steel. Secondlee, they hired Kevin Spacey to play Lex Luthor. That’s about a great a call as sitting thru 6 consecutive watchings of his Beyond The Sea while having spiders poop tunafish juice into your mouth. And third and finalee, they went with Kate BOOsworth, instead of Cuthbest, to be their Lois LAME. I guess the one good thing to come out of this is to reveal to all how FOOOgly Kate truly is. Look at this pic. She makes Margot Kidder look like Nicole Kidman humping Kid Icarus (bee leave me, that’s HOT, like Pat O’Brien HOT). Anywho, if yer eggcited for the new flick, unlike yours surly, peep out these two booty-arsed vids from the Superman Returns set. [pic via Double Vikes]

• Speaking of… wanna see me AND Cuthsplurt in the flesh @ the same place @ the same time? Get yer tickets abs to the SPECIAL SCREENING of House of Wax, aka HOUSE OF A$$, at the Try-Beck Film Fest ASAP!

• What the fork is going on with CP’s SummerStage this year? They haven’t updated their site, yet they have already mcnabbed Kelly Clarkson, The Killers, Death Cab for Cutie, and many mo. [via B-lynn V-gn & Let The Good Times Tootsie Roll]

• Happy 21st HFutureRT The III(?) [NSFW]

• What could possib-drew-bly be wurser than any scene in Episode III? The deleted ones.

• First the Archdukes, and now the Kaiser Chiefs’ blab about their next album bein’ Dylanesque? I wonder if they’ll both thank Jesus, or would that be too unoriginal?

• Cookie Monster advocates healthy eating? That doesn’t sound like the blue maniac we all know and adore. I bet this wasn’t his idea, but the dude who has his hand shoved up his a$$! [via Barrister Bill]

• Rooney gets all papal with the papers, the papers!

• Boo

• Cold Duff

• Lesley Ann Warren, 112 years old and I still heart you! Is there a way I can pay you to laught that laff of yours into my ear for days on end?

• DCers, BOSers, NYCers, and CHIers: see The Usual Suspects, as always, fo free.

• What will u look like in 40 years?

• Playing with nipples is fun! [NSFW via Brawny Man]

• Never truss a man with a mustache. But always feel free to enjoy one rockin out in the woods with Native American dancers. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Watch Napoleon D dance in 1s & 0s (or is it Xs & #s?)! [best viewed in IE via Baby Bullster]

• Draw a pig and learn about yoself. [via G-Mask]

• And I muss say, I juss completed one dem weekends that was as letter purrfect as a purloined letter. Not only was Curious George’s mum in town to turn my frown upside down, but so was the illustrious and lustrious Trent. Our meeting was ALMOST as monumental as when the Beatles & Elvis hooked up in ’65. The dude effin rox, like I even needed to mention it. There was so much happening and leg humpining that I’m sirprized my eyes and legs are still intact. Me repeated last Sunday on Saturday (Basquiat/Junior’s food coma, a muss deadly duo), also hit up the Arbuszz & the importance of being Max Ernst-awesomeness at the Metski, was bedazzled by my gal Ostrow’s and many others’ works at Hunter College’s MFA open studios, foam-a-ed at the mouth whilst walkin thru the MoMA, and gave some love to Larry Clark @ the IPC, which reminded me how forking hotingy Chloe Smellingny use to be. Think it ends there? Nope. Shaved the fu-manchu and gots my moose hoose on with the Fiery Furnaces for the second time in 3 nights. The Webster Hall show kicked the ba-liztex outta Thighsday’s show at N6. If I could marry a band, I would marry them.

Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well, the real treat to all the tricks I turned, was frynally seeing one of my alls times flavorite movies on the big screen: A Clockwork Orange, as a part of Landmark Sunshine‘s midnight series. Wowski! I appreciated this viewing so much more than the 328478 other times I viddyed it welled. Now I want to see every beloveded movie from my past in theaters (yes, even Leonard Part 6). You should have seen how huge the smile on my face was (cept the rape and the eye clamp shiz). It was juss so stankin cool to be in a large room with a bunch of other random people, laughing and govoreeting at Mr. Deltoid bangkoking dear Alex and saying ‘m’yes’ over and over. Did I mention how much I loves me them crizz-azy arsed lightbulbs that everyone has in their Clockwork homes? And did anyone know that the nekkid lady furniture from the Korova Milkbar was inspired by artist Allen Jones’ work? I’d buy that for dollar! Or this car.