Thighs Wide Shut

Although the exact date is Augusto 22nd, the Family Thighmaster celebrated in lavish style the 40th Annie Verse Airy of our Toni Morrison Beloveded rents this past weekend. And by linda lavish, I mean a non-stop eating egggstravganza (Popeyes AND sadly KFC at Pa’s request, salami and eggs, cheesecake, steaks, movie popcorn, pork chops, more salami, Laffy Taffy, olives, etc), topped off with a performance by our next door neighbor the Dink, some frisbeeingness, row boating, more eating, and the sirprize that would make any parents love their children that much more: watching 8mm videos from the late 60s to the early 80s on a deluxe edition 2-DVD set created (or authored, as we say in the industry that unemployed me) by yers drooly, complete with cheesy music that only my mum would love (John Fogerty, Tom Petty, Kool and the Gang, Frankie Valli, and Cat Stevens… although Mum admitted she can’t stand him… muss be the Yusef Islam shiz bugging her). It was so franztastic to spend the whole weekend wit em, and hear for the 49214956767890th time how they met and fell in love. But all that really matters is that they had sex and created such thumrcredible things, like my siblings, meself, and squash souffle. Ma and Pa, you are the most important, giving, loving, genuine, chillarious, honest, phun, and beautiful twosome I know. Don’t ever change, don’t ever get divorced, and don’t you EVER never never ever die. I’ve already got a spot for you both in a frozen six-pack alongside Walt Disney, Ted Williams, and two boxes of Gorton’s fish sticks.

• Whatta twosome part twosome: Stan Lee & The Best Albino

• Whatta twosome part threesome: Courtney Love & Steve Coogan, are they or aren’t they? Doesn’t take much to see that the realtionship of two little people don’t amount to a hill of Francis beans in this crazy world.

• Related: Weird Names of Music Performer’s Children

• Whattta boresome part onesome: ZzzzZzzz and Zzzzzzzzz go zzzzzing, again

• Whatta more gruesome twosome than Ozzie Newsome and Ozzie Smith: Lohag the I Wurstest I and the answer to the age fold question, what’s got two thumbs and likes to f*ck?, this guy

• Whatta jizzum from a twosome part sweet16teensome: Here/hear t.A.T.u.’s latest jingle ‘All About Us‘. At first it kind o’ sucks wurse than Necco wafers, then when you hear it 7teen more times and the next thing you know, your pants are magically around your ankles. But where’s the Russian-language version that I’m sure sounds much more faux-lesbionic? [via Fid Diddler]

• Casey Affleck turns 30, pees

• Pinder [kinda NSFW] + whatever Celebrity Love Island is = where’s the first boat to whatever Celebrity Love Island is?!

• Me need this. Anyone know where on interwebs one could such interwebbedsthisness?

• The Dandies play CBGB’s Zeptember 14th as a part of CMJ. Think Anton Newcombe will be there? Not even if they were the last Dandies on earth! [via Veggie Boy]

• Travis wants to know what a ‘Wonderwall’ is anyway, but they needn’t bother asking Noel

• Don’t flatter yerself Marky Mark, cause I’m sure Kubrick would rather work with Anthony Michael Hall than you.

• Madness let their roots grow on their new shiz, The Dangermen Sessions Volume One, available in stores Tuesday. So when be US tour??#!??E~#

• Blur – ‘ This Is A Low’ [d-lode]

• North Cacalackers pray for Charlotte Church… maybe cause she’s so G-A-Y

• Peep pics of me and various other peepholes standing in line to see a FREE screening of Stealth. You’ll notice I was all smiles BEFORE I saw the movie. Then…

• Feeping of, free tix for NYCBOSDCCHIers to re-see Master & Commander this week

• See cat jump

• What’s the 36th result when searching for an image of ‘thighs’? The corniest snap you ever did see!

• Why do sitcoms have laugh tracks?

• The guy who invented CTRL-ALT-DEL SPEAKS!! [via Vie King]

• Man’s Testicles Snared In A Padlock For Two Weeks [via Ceffle]

• And recently I Netflixed the brills 9 Academy Award nominated Sydney Pollack joint, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? It’s about a depression era dance marathon endurance contest, where peoples were so fargin poor that they’d actually endure 40+ days of dancing/slowly moving (with lil to no rest) just to win a couple thous. Some contestants would go insane or literally drop dead. And the mos chilling part of it all is that it really farging happened [a great read for the shitter]! Anywho, the flick starred Jane Fonda, some fella named Gig Young (who won the only statue for Best Supporting Actor), Red Buttons, Bruce Dern, Susannah York, Grampa Al Lewis, and a quite young and fetching Bonnie Bedelia (althoughski her character was preggers and always in pain). I hadn’t thought much of Double B since her days as Holly Gennero McClane, but was purty darn glad to have my memory refreshed (CTRL-‘R’) by her subtle hotness in this fyne piece o’ cinema. Of course the next stop down any memory lane requires a bit of intersleuthing. The results weren’t as grand as I had hoped, but finding some les ghetto olde nakkid snaps of her was mos certainly not a bad thing. I couldn’t find a pictogram of her from Horses, but here’s a nice lil one of her looking as sassssy as ever! MeOWlia Bedelia!!

For those who care, HRT the III is chasing the #1 ranking in tennis. Howevski, she may want to focus her attention and killer bod to Thighman’s ladies rankings. With a lack of interesting gossip or endless FHM spreadedness, she’s slowly moving down on my lists of things to do, next to helping the homeless and shaving my grundle hair. And her loss means that someone else is gaining. Sure, Charlotte Church makes me want to jazz all over her steeples, and Pinder makes me want to buy these large balloons and make me caress them as if they were here meloncollies, but there’s one girl that I juss can’t get outta my right said head. And it doesn’t help that she keeps popping up on that shitstain of a show that I can’t stop watching, Craptourage. Her name be Mandy Moore, and I want to so get funky and Chunky with her and stick my spoon into her Dinty Moore beef stew poon tang clan. I mean, CHECK OUT THEM CANS!!!

• For those of you who heart Ebony, but not Ivory, we feel you pain

• For those who love the Arcade Fire, yer gonna love this [via Vegan]

• For those who want to see Falkor’s sister’s nip slip again, click here [NSFW]

• For those who live in NYC and want to see Brian Wilson for FREE at Jones Beach this Saturday, email me

• For those who loathe ‘Walking In Memphis’ as much as me, this is still the wrong way to show your displeasure

• For those of you who like midgets, hot hipsters, and the Archdukes, click away! [via ASF]

• For those who bought Dog Condoms, beware, there is a recall [via MetaPhil]

• And for those about to rawk, we salute your shorts

THIS JUST IN!!!

Pinder has gynormous bazingies

The Diana Ross & The Supreme Courts of Thighland, consisting of me, her, and Sio, is now in session. First order of bidness: What to do with my Thigh Slave, who hasn’t done shit since he started 3+ months ago? No brianer, I mean brainer, YOU’re fried, I mean fired!! Second order of bidness: How come it’s easier to find Carmen Sandiego than it is to find that fine piece of 80’s movie a$$?? Tabled til next session. Third order of bidness: Who flung poo? Dave Matthews & Co, case closed. And fourth and final order of bidness: Should Thighs branch out into the tee-shirt industry? This decision my friends, is in your hands… + needs 37/59ths approval from the Lower House of Thighs.

• ET 2? Et tu lizzaaame!! I’m still holding out for a different ET flick, one based off of Cheech’s character from Still Smokin’: Eddie Torres: Extra Testicle [via The Hole]

• Fake Katie Holmes shows us her tats [NSFWness via ONTD]

• Magic Mushrooms have been made illegal in the UK. Well, considering that Air Wick hasn’t produced that air freshener since the 80s this really won’t be much of an issue.

• I may have more pubes than Frankie Muniz, but he now officially has more fiancées than me. JERK!

• The Bloc Party continues thru Zeptember. Hit up the always horribilistic Roseland on Zept 9th. Electric Six plug in Zept and Rocktober. Hit up Bowery on Zept 30th.

• Spice Girls reunion? Mel C sez C u in hell to dat idea.

• Merry 75th to Blondie. I don’t think I’ve read more than maybe 2 of your strips, but yer hubbie has a killer sub shop in Bloomington, IN, with sit-down Donkey Kong!! In yer honor, d-lode Blondie’s ‘Rapture’

• Merry 1,000th issue Readers Digest! The only place where people get paid to write jokes worser than the ones found on the inside of Laffy Taffy’s wrappers.

• Westmoreland is more or less forked the peace train outta here AND Fitzgerald goes on the fritz, for good. Girl be my #1 gay sistah!

• Be a Doll and record a new album

• This eggsplains a lot

• Close yours eyes, pretend it’s the 30s, and listen to the radio broadcasts of the Mercury Theatre… hispecially Orson’s well done War of the Worlds

• Maryland is officially a part of the south as Gladys Knight and Ron Winans’s Chicken & Waffles opens up shop Largo [via Daddy ThighMaster]

• Even Pinder loves looking at her boobs

• Eddie Furlong, waiting to exhale [via Hattan Girl]

• The NeverEnding Story‘s Childlike Empress grew up. I wonder if she makes her lovers call her name?

• Gay is the new cereal

• A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so he wouldn’t have to put the boy in the game. [via Not Too Shabby]

• Cover Art Recipes #7

• What?

• ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com [via My Man Marv]

• In the ‘How Did I Not Find This Myself’ category: Pictures of famous men with moustaches [via Van Mega Man]

• The Greatest Letter Ever Written to an Airline

• 72% of Welsh men want to make love to Charlotte Church in a car. I juss wanna welch off of her trillions, pour Welch’s Grape Juice all over her plumbolicious body, and read her passages from Lisa Whelchel’s pseudo-blog.

[via Q mag article]
AND THIS JUST IN: Police find body near Charlotte Church!!! No word if grape juice was involved or not!!

• What a rip-roarin rip-torin effin time me and HRT the III had at this year’s ESPYs. Sure, winning the Best Female Tennis Player award wasn’t even a challenge, but I was a lil perturbed when Annika Sorenstam edged out the Mrs to ‘win’ Best Female Athlete honors. I guess the swimsuit part of the competition didn’t sway the judges one bit. But whatta we care, those stinkin awards are the sports equivalent of Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards, aka something as meaningless as a PT Anderson film. And what was really odd about the whole thang, no not our visit to the Playboy Mansion, was when she presented the award for Best Baseball Player ashlongside Lohag the Wurstest The I’s former flame-broiled hamburgler, Wilmer Valderrama!! Talk about awkwardness from Auckland!!! When I asked Pova to reflect on the whole evening, she said something about vodka, pouring, on her, naked, those lap pillows, and Tetris. I was a lil confused by that, but maybe it’ll make a bit more sense when we travel to the Kremlin Cup this Rocktober.

• Caught Röyksopp‘s thumbcredible show at Irving Platz last nite. Played two encores and two songs twice. Odd, but fantabulous!!! Continues theory that ‘electronic’ groups put on more funner shows than ‘normal’ bands do. See also Air, Basement Jaxx, and Chemical Brothers, who’s latest album I first lo-hated on, but have now grown to lo-ve. Push the Button and buy the damn thing already!!

• Save the date: July 4th, 2007

• It would take 36 straight weeks under the knife to make Kelly Osbourne look attractive. Too bad a knife can’t solve personality issues…

• I’m sirprized she didn’t slip out of the lap bar

• The only way to look at Lennon and Harrison’s deaths as a good thing

• Please, don’t be boring like that last album

• I wanna lick Charlotte Church’s green eyes and then mate with her so my children can have even greener eyes and chunky thighs!

• The Worst Rock Dads of All Time

• The Top 12 Hottest Female Guitarists Ever? I dunno, but my two most flavorite hottiest female bass players are Jill Cunniff, of Luscious Jackson fame, and Kim Coletta, of Jawbox game. [via Emmanem]

• Grovers Mill, New Jersey probably wished it was actually attacked by Martians

• Graceland is to Elvis as Iceland is to Elves

• Man Used Electric Underpants ‘To Fake Heart Attack’ [via NOTW]

• And while you martin mull over thats take a look at Pinder’s tats

[taz always via Double Viking]