Thighs Wide Shut

– Can someone please explain how George Lucas went from making movies that matter like THX 1138, to exec producing Howard the Duck? Is this what happens to a man when he gets dumped by Linda Ronstadt??

– Jonesing to see Fleetwood Mac, Kid Rock, The Moody Blues, Hall & Oates, Ozzfest, Bryan Adams, Cyndi Lauper, or my favorite dynamic duo, Michael Bolton & Kenny G. at Jones Beach or Jersey’s PNC Art Center for only $10??? For one day only, Tuesday, June 1st, from 10 AM to 10 PM, you can get a ticket for a total price of $10 f-in bones (that includes all bullshit charges)!! This offer is only available for tickets purchased at the Jones Beach and PNC Arts Center box offices and will NOT be sold via the Internet or outlets. Anyone want to get me some of dem Cyndi Lauper tickets?? Before I die I need to hear her umcredible “Goonies R Good Enough” live. Lettuce just hope another bird doesn’t take a dump in her mouth.

– Props de leon to my fellow dirt bags over at ThatsJustNotRight.com aka F.U.B.A.R. for adding TWS to their grand list o’ “Dick Links”. Not only have I stolen images from dat redonkey-donk site, but now I’ll be stealing their readers as well.

– In more dirty old man news, looks like more teenage girls are testing gender boundaries these days. Lucky girls! I’m not against being “gayish” or “heteroflexible”, but there’s no way I’d get near a man’s grundle after smelling my own. Match-up I’d love to see le most: Lohan and Mischa Barton. Orange on blonde? That’s one creamsicle I’d lick for hours. Speaking of Lohan, enter here to win a trip for two to the 2004 MTV Movie Awards show in Los Angeles. If you win, you have to take me with you and I’ll buy all you can eat Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. And speaking of Lohan’s boobs, can someone please tell this blogger to stop Photoshopping scars and drawing red circles all over them? [Link via Byrne Victim]

– The list of America’s 11 Most Endangered Historical Places was released the other day. Somehow the whole state of Vermont made the list, Seabiscuit’s home, and that hideous looking building I see every day known as 2 Columbus Circle. In other endangerd news, John Coltrane’s Long Island home was declared a landmark.

– NME is all set to unleash their Top Ten Fittest Rock Stars list. XFM Online leaked the list a day early: 1. Carl Barat (The Libertines), 2. Alex Kapranos (Franz Ferdinand), 3. Fabrizio Moretti, 4. Meg White, 5. Jack White, 6. Karen O, 7. Brody Dalle (The Distillers), 8. Marcie Bolen (The Von Bondies), 9. Nick Valensi, 10. Julian Casablancas. First of all, there should be no Strokes on the list cause they’re so 2001, secondly, juss looking at Karen O makes me want to cut off my penis, and lastly, but not leastly, I want to bang on Meg White’s bazaoombies all day long, but is she fit? She’s not only in need of The Thigh Master’s love, but a Thigh Master as well. And speaking of Franz Ferdie, they’ve chosen a very “heteroflexible” song for their next single, “Michael“.

– And to close this wooly mammoth entry, me and my girl Vega$ agree: What the fuck is wrong with all these liz-adies???

What in the name of all things holy has Lindsay Lohan done to her beautiful auburn hair?!?!?!?! Why on earth would she do that? She looks worse than Rosie O’Donnell when she wakes up in the morn. Hopefully it has nothing to do with her fam hiring a “beefy” security crew to keep watch of their house or when I told her to stop looking at other men!! [Major props de leon to my gal Vega$ for the heads up on the hair change]

And upon further review, Coldplay/Chris “Boring” Martin’s ode to baby Apple isn’t as awful as I had originally thought. Sure the video with its horrid dancing is a bit too cheeky for my taste, but download the song here and listen to it again… and then again. And if you don’t jump out of a window after that, you’ll see it my way. It’s f-in catchy in a Weird Al Yankovic kinda way. “I am your baby’s daddy!” [Link via Bernie’s House of Fun]

Who’s having the best year ever? Lindsay Lohan

Who’s turning 18 in under 40 days? Lindsay Lohan

Who has the most gigantic ba-zoombas? Lindsay Lohan

Who will be the first Mrs. Thigh Master? Lindsay Lohan

Who was on the LL tip all last year but didn’t have a blog to profess his love? The Thigh Master

Who has green eyes? LL and The Thigh Master

Aren’t we a match made in heaven? Well at least that’s what Miss Cleo told me.

Anywho, apparently the Indian media is more gaga for Lohan news than yers truly. I found two brief news briefs that were enuff to raise my mast in my Calvin Klein boxer briefs:

Fake boobs? Me thinks not, and Queen Lohan agrees, “Recently, I heard that I’ve gotten a boob job. I’m 17! It’s kind of perverted, but if they’re gonna write about anything to bring attention to my chest, why not!” Hey baby, I write about yer boobs everyday, wanna go get a 3-piece dinner with me at Popeyes?

Looks like its time for another cat fight, tween style!! Hilary Muff Daddy wasn’t too “honored” when LL and the rest of the Saturday Night Dead crew poked fun at her. LL retorted, “I thought things were cool. Hilary, I don’t wanna start anything again!” Always the peacemaker, always the hottie, always LL. Btw- did you see her s’wonderful work on that SNL episode in question? With the magic of TiVo, my lazzzy ass finally saw it. Lohan’s hot bod and comic timing struck gold again. The faux t.A.T.u. skit was tops and the Harry Potter one about Hermione/LL’s breasts blooming wasn’t too shabby either. Speaking of Hermione, dearest Uncle Grambs will soon be heading to jail for his lustations over the 14-year-old Emma Watson. Oh, wait, those are my lustations…

Trouble in the house of Lohan? Looks like some family member attacked another in their Merrick, Long Island home! Thankfully LL was not involved or home at the time. She was too busy giving me a full body massage. [Link via Chatty Cathy]

Finally, I’m in love with my new site meter Nedstat. According to their fab statistics, these 8 key words bring people to Thighs Wide Shut via many a search engine:

1. lohan, 2. thighs, 3. lindsay, 4. nipple, 5. wide, 6. shut, 7. Lohan, 8. Lindsay

Wham!

– It’s official, The Sopranos are back from the dead. Or more like back with the dead. Finally, something actually happened on the show and I’m not talking about some fat dude getting head in a parking lot. I kept pleading for more whackings per episode, but my confidant Dicky Greenleaf/Mr. Pibbums told me that’s not what the show is about. Me was like, me don’t care, more whackings!! They’re in the mob. Mob = whackings, end of f-in story. Well, the writers stashed away their Annette Bening/horse fetishes and got back to the whacking!! And as eggspected, the family whacked-a-mole, who’s name be Adrianna. Don’t worry folks, she’s going to be reincarnated as Joey’s sister on the Friends spin-off. With this and last week’s whacking of Sherry Palmer on 24 I haven’t seen something this shocking, this lurid on television, since the series premiere of The Mullets on UPN. With one episode left, all hell is about to break loose like a girl turning 16. Too bad season numero seis doesn’t air until 2006!! By then Lindsay Lohan will be turning 20, the major awards will be handed out the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Berlin, and Greece still won’t be ready for the 2004 Summer Games.

– The word vulva.

– The Streets’ new album, A Grand Don’t Come for Free, is mos def worth picking up. Normally you’d think that 50 minutes of a guy just talking about fish and chips and getting ripped wouldn’t be all that amusing, but some how Mike Skinner pulls it off. What was known as “spoken word” has now become “blogging over phat beats”.

– Ponch still cares about highway safety! And what have you done for me lately Larry Wilcox?

– For 16 days in February ’05, Reichstag wrapper, and MC, Christo and his bizatch, Jeanne-Claude, will be bringing their long gestating dream art project to Central Park. 7,500 Gates, 16 feet high each, will be built and follow the edges of 23 miles of footpaths. If yer Wes Craven for mo information about this massive undertaking, I’d suggest you head on over to the best art museum this side of the globe, The Met.

– This guy also enjoys hot chicks, but he happens to have more time on his hands then me.

– Props to Marty Score and his The Last Temptation of (the) Christ. It wasn’t as well directed as Mel Gibson’s overblown snuff film, but he did let Jesus rock out with his coccyx out and bang a hooker… no seriously, and he even had children and broke-danced for shekels! Le only down side to the movie was what me and Wannamaker dubbed, one of the worst casting decisions ever: Harvey Keitel as Judas.

– I’m an Airhead and you will be one too after checking out the French duo’s KCRW session on LA. F-in mint.

– Napoleon Dynamite is the breast comedy I have seen since The Big Lebowski and Rushmore. It is that good. I took in my second free screening on Sunday and I intend to attend a 3rd.

For those of you non-believers, I urge you to go. I’m going to urge overkill you so much that I’m even offering up 5 free passes (that’ll admit two each) to a NY screening on Thursday, June 10th. Be one of the first 5 to email me and the passes are yers. And if you don’t like it, the Thigh Master will give you yer money back… And remember, a vote for Pedro is a vote for your wildest dreams!

– Waste yer time with this suckers.

– First there was You’re The Man Now Dog, now there’s this Milton Waddamsism. [Link via Shady Harry’s Son]

Bam!

– Wanna buy a used Arnold Schwarzenegger cough drop? Too late. Now get yer ass to Mars.

– Puff Daddy cares. No, he really does. My girl the Garvester weighs in on his politcal ambitions.

– Have you seen the new GI Joe Spy Troops cartoon movie yet? Don’t. Unless of course you don’t want to save whatever’s left of your precious childhood memories that George Lucas and his new Star Warses haven’t already urinated on. It looks like 3rd-rate Pixar animation meets The Lawnmower Man‘s long outdated virtual reality.

– For some odd reason, I was drawn back into The Whitney to get one last bad look at their forgettable Biennial. No change in opinion. Modern art can lick my chode. Note to Whitney: drop the pretentious crap and photos of guys’ shlongs and buy some more Edward Hoppers! Hop to it.

– I saw all of about 12 minutes of something with a Philip Glass score called Naqoyqatsi. I felt like I was walking through The Whitney again. My eyes can only take so much Clockwork Orange style torture. I was cured alright.

– So if there’s a 3-D church online, when’s the first synagogue being posted? I always need an eggcuse to eat virtual pigs in a blanket and rock out to “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge or “Celebration” by Kool And The Gang.

Thank You Cannes!

– The French gave us the Statue of Liberty and a kind of toast. They also handed out the prestigious Palme d’Or (aka, the top prize) of the Cannes Film Festival to Michael Moore for his revealing documentary about the Bushes, Fahrenheit 9/11. I wonder if he’ll have trouble finding a US distributor now. Czech out Ebert’s report of the festivities here.

Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Did you know that someone has created the worst blog using your perfect name? Bastards!!! Did you know that people are selling crappy clocks with your likeness on em? Those timepieces are so f-in awful that I wouldn’t even give them out as Columbus Day presents. Did you know that LL recently graced the cover of Ingenue Magazine? There are so many bootyliciousistic pictures that if I posted them all at once, your computer screen would melt with hotness.

Oh LL. Did you know I love you so dang much? You make me want to sing Motley Crue songs from dusk til dawn. Especially, “Without You”: