Thighs Wide Shut

Don’t know if you caught it, but tonight on CBS, The American Film institute (AFI) unleashed their 100 Best Songs of the past 100 Years of Film list. Some choices were on the mark like “Mrs. Robinson”, “Summer Nights”, and “The Theme from Shaft”, but others selections were, as melon scratchers go, a honey doodle (thanks Ned Flanders). I mean I love Judy Garland and daughter Liza, but did they both have to occupy 1/3 of the list? And speaking of doodles, I don’t think people in the next 100 years are going to give a rat’s a$$ about “Yankee Doodle Dandy”. And I knows they was trying to be all hip, but what does Hilary Duff know about movies or music? She may sing and act, but have you heard or seen anything she’s done? Lohan must sleep well at night. And I do to… with thoughts of me nestled between her bosom and thighs. Anywho, the list would make any octogenarian as gay as Zorro and his blade, but I think they missed the boat all together. What about these ditties (in no particular order):

– “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition in Big Lebowski

– “Holiday Road” by Lindsay Buckingham, from National Lampoon’s Vacation

– “Lust For Life” by Iggy Pop + most every song in Trainspotting

– “The Goonies R Good Enough” by Cyndi Lauper in The Goonies

– “Who Will Buy?” by various cast members, from Oliver!

– “Rhapsody in Blue” by George Gershwin in Manhattan

– “Pinball Wizard” by Elton John and the Who in Tommy

– “I Love You To Death” by The Village People in Can’t Stop The Music

– “The Cantina Theme” from Star Wars

– “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds in The Breakfast Club

– “View To A Kill” by Duran Duran in the best Bond movie ever to co-star Grace Jones

– Every “Oompa Loompa” song from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory

– “All Along The Watchtower” by Hendrix in any movie about the 60s or Vietnam

– “Mustang Sally” by and in The Commitments

– The theme song to “The Neverending Story” by Erasure

– “Wild Wild Life” by The Talking Heads in True Stories

– “These Boots Are Made for Walking” by Nancy Sinatra in Full Metal Jacket

– “If You Leave” by OMD (Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark) in Pretty In Pink

– “Oo-de-lally” from Disney’s Robin Hood

What are some of your favorites? If you post “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys in Cocktail, I will ban you from posting…

– Things are getting all sorts of crazy in Thailand. Furst, the gov-mint are allowing prisoners to play soccer atop elephants in an attempt to put an end to gambling on soccer. Fine-ul-lee and sect-tently, they have just shaken the restroom industry be introducing the world’s first transvestite and transsexual bathrooms.

– The countdown for Kill Bill 3 is ON. 14 years, 11 months, 364 1/8 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds, and 29 frames later, we’ll finally get to see it.

– Scientists have just developed an antidote for the worst plague since The Spin Doctor’s last album: burping sheep

– Get this, Woody Allen’s next joint will be his FIRST movie completely devoid of New York City. See you later Jason Biggs, and hello London and some of their NonUSHotties, Kate Winslet and Emily Mortimer.

– A job that would allow me to meet a lot of people and cuss at them too: Massivetwoshits toll both operator.

– 99 hippies and the bitch aint one as Jay-Z helps NY kiss Phish goodbye for good. But they’ll be back, like my girl Martina Navratilova.

– Triple L: Lindsay, Lohan, (the) Lord.

– These truly are the brat-wurst album covers of all time. Joyce was bigger than the Beatles + Jesus! [Link via Newbsy Russell]

– Da Ali G Show: Season One DVDs. Out on July 20th. Or is it August 17th? Now I can finally get them off my TiVo and out of my dreams and into my car.

– Kylie Minogue may be the next Bond girl, but the Broccoli family aint letting her sing the next Bond theme song. I’ll bet they go with Willie Hung doing a cover of Guns ‘n’ Roses’ cover of Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die”. Speaking of covers and from the same artilce, William Shatner is inviting Jarvis Cocker to appear in his video for his cover version of Pulp’s “Common People”. And speaking of that same article, again, they have a bit saying that Britney Spears is in serious talks for a tasteful spread in Playboy. Insert tasteful spread joke here.

– Will this be the single greatest movie about chicken and/or waffles ever: Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles: The Movie? The country just keeps on getting better and better. Thanks George Double U Bush for making all of this possible, and to you Kid Kadoji, for brining this to my attention.

– Stop the presseses: A fan mistakes Noel Gallagher for Damon Albarn. Eyebrow king not too pleased.

– The new, new Coke, C2 has 1/2 the carbs and 1/2 the calories, but also 1/2 the taste of Coke Klassic. Screw that, when are the suits finally going to re-release Mister Pibb’s wife, Mrs. Pibb?

– Double yer chance peeps, and sign-up for more free tickets to Hilary Duff’s latest stink-bag of a movie called, A Cinderella Story. This movie may love actually turn out to be a wurster movie than Sleepover. I guess I’ll just have to see them both before forming my opinion.

– We are only one wee month away from a new batch of Ali G episodes. He interviewed Sam Donaldson and asked him about Richard Nixon’s involvement with the Waterworld scandal. Genius times 9 x 999999999999999, times 10-10-10-10-10-10-10, 11-11-11…

– Did you’all listen to the Master o’ Thighs and go see Napoleon Dynamite yet? Last Wednesday it averaged $3,839 per screen. Next closest? Potter at $940 per screen. Good news for you rural losers is that it just opened in these additional theaters this past weekend: Toronto – Cumberland Four Theatre, Boston – Kendall Square Cinema, Washington, DC – Dupont Circle, Bethesda, MD – Bethesda Row Cinema, Evanston, IL – Century/Cine Arts Evanston, Chicago, IL – Century Centre Cinema, Pasadena, CA – Playhouse, San Jose, CA – Century 25, San Jose, CA – Camera 12, Palo Alto, CA – CineArts, Berkeley, CA – California, San Francisco, CA – Embarcadero Center Cinema… with many more to come this summer. Editor’s note: the studio doesn’t pay me to hawk this film, but they can if they want to. Vote for Pedro.

– Fatburger may headed eastward, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t head westard ho for this: French fry guys, Air, are Cali bound on Friday, September the 24th at the Bowl

in Santa Barbara and Sunday the 26th at the Hollywood Bowl, performing for the first time ever with a live orchestra. Tickets for the show and are on sale now. Other bands on the bill will be announced soon.

– And as for dearest Lohan, she’s been rather busy these days. I heard she bought some shoes, and even had something to eat! Isn’t she just the dreamiest? The double L came in at numero 97 on Forbes‘ Celebirty 100 List. Yer meaning to tells me that William Hung Lo Balls has more clout than her? [Scoop via Navi]. She also fell asleep on a beach and suffered first degree burns courstesy of her new stalker, the sun. Need somebody to rub aloe all over you? And did you know that she hates some of her best features that aren’t her fun bags, like her trademark freckles and flowing red hair? Baby, don’t talk crazy like that. Just remember, although I may be camping out to see A Cinderella Story, you’re still a much butter actress/singer/dancer than Hilary Muff will ever be. Kissesss!

1. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – $34.9 million ($157.9 million) – I hear that in the 4th one, he receives the most magical gift of all: his first boner!

2. The Chronicles of Riddick – $24.2 million (NEW) – A friend of mine’s sister actually named her kid Riddick a few years back. When I have a daughter, I’m going to name her Dame Judy Thigh Master.

3. Shrek 2 – $23.3 million ($353.3 million) – Here are some words that almost rhyme with ‘Shrek‘: shrapnel, crap, Shabbat, crack, schmegma, and plinko!

4. Garfield: The Movie – $21.7 million (NEW) – This movie arrives in theaters about 19 years too late. And me thinks the people would rather see a Heathcliff big screen adventure or even one featuring Riff Raff and his junkyard pals Hector, Mungo, and Wordsworth.

5. The Stepford Wives – $21.4 million (NEW) – Although I know in my heart that this can’t be butter than the original, I still hate Bette Midler and her website.

6. The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows – $14.5 million ($153.1 million) – Jake Gyyyyllllleeennnhhhaaaalll, you will always be Donnie Darko, not Superman. And tell Kirsten Dunst to get out of my dreams and to get into my car.

7. Raising Helen – $3.7 million ($31.2 million) – Gary Marsh-crotch-all, do us all a favor and retire. Your filmography can be summed up by yer 1996 movie, Dear God: Exit to Eden, Runaway Bride, The Other Sister, The Princess Diarrheas, and now this? If I really wanted to see crap, I’d take a look between my legs whilst on le throne.

8. Troy $3.4 million ($125.6 million) – Most useless trivia from this movie: Achilles shouts Hector’s name nine times when he is waiting at the gates of Troy.

9. Saved! – $2.5 million ($3.7 million) – I just heard that Jena Malone and her forehead were signed on to play Mister Softee’s wife in a new movie.

10. Mean Girls– $1.4 million ($81.3 million) – See Lindsay Lohan in her last movie before she went all Oompa Loompa on us.