Thighs Wide Shut

– The Lohan and her two funbag friends just netted a $7 mil payday for something called Lady Luck. Don’t get yer flags at full staff yet folks, it’s directed by the genius behind How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. At least she has enuff cheddar now to pay for a 3-piece dinner at Popeyes on our first date. She’s a thigh kinda girl and I’m obvs-vee-es-lee a breast man.

– Speaking of HRT (Her Royal Thighness), The Raider of Panties and pantries finally falls victim to her charms and aforementioned funbag friends. It’s about friggadero time. After reading this site for months, you either go blind, become a priest, or pull down yer pants during screenings of Mean Girls. And for the record Seps, me and the Grambs run dot organizations, not jump each other’s bones.

– I’m get hungry just reading about the Thinker’s eggsploit-plantations in Hungary. Who knew they loved Weezie so dang much?

– Fun with Newbs, fishing, and photoshoppe.

– My girl Chelonia has a knack for Bitched @ Swirth too.

– What’s scarier than Jaws 3-D? Your baby in 3-D.

– All the original membazzz of the Wu-Tang Clan are ready to re-form like Voltron. Does this include honoree clansman Bill Murray?

– Mommy likes to tear shit up on her Nash board. Does she rock out to EMF and sport Vision Street Wear too?

– Slim-Fast dumps Whoopi. Some say it’s cause she gives HJs to the two Johns, but I say it’s cause their Find Whoopi’s Eyebrows Contest was a complete bust.

– Bored? [Link via Tim The Fudger]

– Lois Lane 2004, do as Andre 3000 sez and “spread for me”.

– Ask me if I care.

– Yes, it’s true what they all are saying, Andy Dick’s The Assistant is Hugo and it’s BOSS!!! Maybe that whole idea about a 24-Hour reality tee-vee channel isn’t such an awful idea aftertall.

– Phew, Absolute Handsome the elephant is cleared of dem pesky murder charges.

– Ken is bigger than Jesus!!

– Field Day Festival on for July or August 2005? I’m sure it will get cancelled 10 minutes before the first band is set to go on and thus Andrew Dreskin will have a Failed Day 2 on his hands. And by the weigh, get rid of this ye olde stinkbag website… no one cares what yer next move is.

– It’s a tough time to be named Michael. I should know (although my first name is really Thigh). The most heteroflexible name around is also the title of the most heteroflexible song since Air’s “Sexy Boy”. Damn you Franz Ferdeez-nuts!!! I don’t want to ever hear this phrase coming out of another man’s mouth, “Come all over me, Michael!”

– Bestest/stoopidistist political thing since the Howard Dean remix-eggsplosion: this. [Linka via Navi]

– OK, now forget about Carey and Busch. Let’s get Ditka one step closer to the White Huis. [Link via My Man Marvkus]

– Nuewe Yorkers: Why pay to see M Night Shamalangadingdong’s The Village when you can see it for free? Here’s my guess on how the plot thickens: Unknown forces from forest scare people from Pennsylvania and eventually they have to confront them. The Pencil-vain-ens eventually figure out that the unknown forces have a phobia of rutabagas and run them out of town. And somewhere in there M Nigh Sha-dingdong has a 17 minute cameo.

– More free: The Sugar Hill Gang rocks the South Street Seaport Thursday at 6 pm. I hear they do a 43 minute version of “Rapper’s Delight”. [Heads up via The Biz vs the BJNewms]

– How come almost a month passed and no one had informed me that Surreal Life: Round 3 was a go until yesterday? It’s peace out to the Double-U-B and hello-mello VHOne. Onboard this go around is the rather impressive line-up of Charo, Dave Coulier, Flava Flav, NKOTBester Jordan Knight, Brigitte Nielsen, and some American Idol finalist douche bag. Unfortunately, none of these housemates were who I had in mind. I can’t believe they passed on The Fat Boys, Poochie, Yakov Smirnoff, the Lohan, and JD Salinger (click for pre-Thigh Master musings)! [Gawd bless you for the knowles-edge Senor Gombiergas]

– Best flea market score evers!

– David Grohl bangs his gong for Nine Inch Nails. Is a Tupac collaboration far behind?

– Please die Clear Channel. Last VV article, I promise!

– Bad Idea Jeans: Fox’s 24-hour reality channel AND Basic Instinct 2.

– “Peeping Tom” explained!

– And yer headline del dia: Man Jailed for Shooting Off His Testicles.

– Lohan. Side Boobies. Grambo. What do all of these words have in common? They all rock the cashbar and they all led me to this fine piece of photography on your left that even has Ansel Adams jizzing in his grave.

– The Thighs spies painted the town red last night in honor of newly discharged compadre DJ Cackensen at Meatpacking District’s overblown trattoria Vento. The food was so unplentiful that it wouldn’t even fill an anorexic. Speaking of, guess who was sitting right behind us, none other than Heather “please only wear roller skates” Graham and Molly Shannon “Yogurt”. Heather looked slammin’ in the red jump suit she was sporting and Molly Shannon had pasta.

– In news no one would care about but me and the inventor of Tetris: Russian duo Smash! not the male t.A.T.u.

– Did Trainspotting single handedly reestablish the British film industry, only later to destroy it? Who cares? It was worth hearing Begbie say, “That wee lassie got glassed, and no cunt leaves till I find out what cunt did it“.

– The slowest episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ever: Ken Jennings’ current run on Jeopardy. Looks like he’ll hit that million dollar mark on tonight’s show. I bet Alex beats off to Ken behind that podium.

– Hope the latest Greecian power outage doesn’t put a damper on the Badminton matches. And is it too late for me to join the Olympic torch relay in Crete? Hear the green fields and local crops are lovely this time of year.

– Sacha Baron Cohen, the genius behind the G of Ali, wants some respek as a serious actor, but Hollywood aint having it. They don’t know what they’re missing. SBC is the Gary Oldman of comedy. An f-in chameleon. Anywho, don’t forget, new season begins this Sunday.

– Sonic Youth will be playing Webster Hall on Friday August 13. Tickets are available now from TicketWeb. Just use promotional code is “nurse”. Tickets are $25 and go onsale to the general public Wednesday July 14 @ noon.

– Best news since Lindsay Lohan turned 18: McG OUT as director of new Superman flick. Word is Jake Darkogynehalllelal is out too. Just let Dick Donner direct and pick the best possible candidate for the man of abs of steel: Tom Welling, who Time Werespanko dubbed, “The greatest living actor.”

– For Shit Magazine (FHM) did a nice lil reunion piece on Revenge of the Nerds. Too bad they couldn’t land Poindexter, despite the petition signed by the kid who played Worsmer.

– Famous people’s deaths are the latest rage like spatulas. Don’t get left out in the cold peoples. Sign up at CelebrityDeathBeeper.com.

– If there was a biopic about Arnold Schwarzenegger, who would you cast? Was the name Jurgen Prochnow at the top of your list?

– Biggest dick move: Iranian Man Dodges Suicide Pact With Bride.

– Orioles’ pimp daddy, Miguel Tejada hit a record 27 dingbats in last night’s All-Star Home Run Derby contest. The boy is on my squad and I couldn’t care less. Is it football season yet?

– Meet the next group of British kids who will be subjected to jailbait lust in years to come: the cast of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

– Before he was the Franz Ferdifrontman, Alex Kapranos was the king of the Karelias. Well, someone thinks they can make a quick buck off of this and thus, their 1997 album, Divorce At High Noon, is going to be reissued. Hide your women and children Grambs.

– How bout this for a headline: Odor May Be Clue To Missing Airport Fish. Somebody call Tom Ridge and tell his a$$ to raise the terror level to Mountain Dew Code Red.

– And a friendly word of advice, never go into business with a guy named Jello or Biafra.

– The Lohan just inked a long-term record deal with Tommy Mottola’s Casablanca Records. The press are already trying to dub her L-Lo. As my girl would say, that’s so “retarded”.

– Is this the unofficial sequel to the Tron guy with the male camel toe? [Link via the girl who’s name meanith “brownish-yellow”]

– Kerry/Edwards? [Link via Navi]

– I Gave My Cat an Enema. [Link via Cef-niddle-naddle]

– I swear, I’m not the sicko behind this website: LindsayLohanSexTape.com. But they did have a link to this fun NSFW thang where boobies move.

– Who do I have to sleep with in order to get Madness to tour America?

– My Man Marvkus has found my future wife (and no, its not the Lohan). Call me forever smitten.

– And finally, if you haven’t already done so, I beg you to watch Ali G’s speech at Harvard’s graduation (starting at 01:27:34). It’s more entertaining than most of NBC’s programming for the last 5 years.

OK, I think my infatuation with the Lohan has given me permanent brain damage, but not in a bad way. Normally I don’t remember my dreams tat all, but last night’s was a keeper. Somehow I was able to meet the Lohan and we discussed dating. She laid out some ground rules, most I can’t recall, but one was that I refrain from saying, “and like you know” at the end of all my sentences. Regardless, if she told me I had to shave my eyebrows and drink tuna juice all day, I was going to abide like the Dude. I mean, c’mon, it’s the f-in Lohan. We discussesesed numerous things, like me living in the UK for five months and how much she rocked, and we both smiled a lot at each other. However, during our lil intimate chat two things were running thru my mind (in both my dream’s mind and my real life mind): the fact that she’s 18 and I’m twentysomething AND the fear that she would discover all the lusty postings I wrote in her honor on TWS.org. We parted ways for a few hours and I went to where I actually work. Later on, she came by my work and sat-in on a meeting. When my boss came in, she asked me why my “girlfriend” was in the room. I was kinda mumbling, cause she wasn’t eggzactly my girlfriend yet and I couldn’t explain why she was there either. Anywho, I don’t remember much more and I woke up with the flag at the top of the pole. This is one of those very times where Billy Ocean’s wisdom really shines thru: “Get out of my dreams. Get into my car.“