Thighs Wide Shut

– On behalf of yers truly, the Thigh Daddy, the BeastMaster, Blaster Master, Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster and the rest of the Master clan, we want to wish our cousin, the View-Master a merry 65th b-day. To celebrate, they’ve even inducted him into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Go get em Viewie!! Yer 3-D is butter than all of Jaws 3-D and the virtual reality in The Lawnmower Man. Speaking of, where have you gone Jeff Fahey? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

– Bush/Hitler comparison clip removed from Ozzfest video montage. I don’t think people would have complained as much if it was just a clip of A$$hole eating a watermelon.

– Tom & Jerry, the live action talk show. It’s not what you think.

– What on earth is Bert doing to Ernie? [NSFW thing via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Dan the Automat on board for Archduke’s follow-up?

– Dave Abbott challenges pretty boy Ken Jennings to a cage match to the death. “I think I could take him.”

– The grandest college basketball team in all the land, los Merryland Twerps, are headed to Italy this fall for a 12 day preseason tour. And Duke, they’ll be at home shining Mike Kyryewqssrkskikiesies’s johnson. And the nihilists, they’re going to cut off the Dude’s johnson. And the Dude, he’s got a great soundboard. Back to Twerp shariz: Welcome back Keith Booth!! And do you think Walt Williams still hangs out with Hootie and his Blowfish?

– Dem be some tall buildings.

– Leisure Suit Larry all over again?

– 1 in 5 Germans drink to get drunk. What do the other 4 do? Have a bit of the olde stein-haussen-weiner-shintizel-fliz-huis-de-flughaufen and then gobble a watermelon?

– 21 days until the Athens games. Wake me up when it’s 2006, cold, and Johnny Mosley’s baking some more dinner rolls.

– Who created the scores for Planet Of The Apes, Total Recall, Gremlins, Chinatown, Hoosiers, many a Star Trek fliz, and yes, even The Twilight Zone? Oscar owner, Jerry Goldsmith, dats who. Well, he croaked Wednesday night. Peace the f%@k out dawwwwwwwwg.

– Some say breastesiest Goonies website out there. Some of those people are these people people.

– Join the Army and get bigger breasts or a smaller nose for free!!

– Those Dutch make killer pancakes, dope, and windmills. Apparently, they’re also tall is fork.

– And word on the street is that Lindsay Lohan ate lunch yesterday. I heard she also had something to drink, but when we contacted her reps, they responded with “No comment.”

– KFC’s chicken sucks. And here’s another reason to hate it: the abuse of live chickens to the sounds of G’n’R and Bon Jovi (be sure to click on the video). Lettuce boycott KFC and spend our money only at a real establishment like Popeyes.

– What’s with all the bloggah haters these daze? Some bloke named Alex S. Jones has joined the club, calling us folk, “the sizzle” and “not the steak.” He goes on to say that blizogs are filled with nothing but, “vulgarity, scorching insults, bitter denunciations, one-sided arguments, erroneous assertions and the array of qualities that might be expected from a blustering know-it-all in a bar.” Well guess what pal, we aint the sizzle, we the shiz-nizzle covered in A1, and insults and vulgarity are how us kids communicate. Who cares about real journalism when we can talk about Lohan’s thighs and how amazing Leonard Part 6 is to film history. I bet if Mr Jones (no relation to that wretched Counting Crows song) had a blog, it would be more boringer than watching every episode of Murder She Wrote in a row. Step off son, I’m doing the humpty hump.

– Poor Dave Mustaine. Somebody give this man a hug. Or at least an HJ.

– This is probably the lamestest story about LL on the net.

– Shortlist for this years Mercury Prize (UK Album of the Year) has been announced. B Jaxx’s KK was one of last year’s breast, but will they be able to topple the Archduke or Mikey Skins? And what or who the funk are the Zutons and why did someone kill them? The winner will be announced on September 7th:

Basement Jaxx – Kish Kash

Belle & Sebastian – Dear Catastrophe Waitress

Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand

Jamelia – Thank You

Keane – Hopes and Fears

Snow Patrol – Final Straw

Joss Stone – The Soul Sessions

The Streets – A Grand Don’t Come for Free

Ty – Upwards

Amy Winehouse – Frank

Robert Wyatt – Cuckooland

The Zutons – Who Killed The Zutons

– And m’yes, big props de leon have to go out to my girl CityRag doll who invited yers drooly to the sliz-hammin Swindle Magazine launch party at BLVD last noche. She and her site truly rock harder than AC/DC.

– Who’s the busiest/hottiest star on the rise? Yep, LL and her next project doesn’t sound rocking, but I’ll still go covered in KY. Speaking of LL, want to be as crazy/beautiful as her? Then buy some of this crap.

– Czech out the new lonely Streets video for “Dry Your Eyes” mate. In RealMedia or WindowsMedia. And Mike, tell this geezer that a grand really don’t come fo free.

– Crazed Romanian surgeon bobbitises a patient. When did John Wayne’s last name become a verb? [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Damon Albarn lashes out at NME. Stop lashing and get Graham back in the band already!!

– Do you make the breastest grilled cheese sang-wich in America? Now be yer chance to prove it.

– Tuna, please disappear forever. The next person I catch microwaving it will be shot as soon as I see the white’s of yo eyes!!!

– Rides that do not require pimping.

– Will the People’s Republic of China keep TWS.org and other pornographic sites from its peoples?

– Joe Carnahan out on MI:3. Bryan Singer in on Superman. The Hobbbbitttt flick around the corner?

– Word War I is far from being over. Damn you Archduke Franz Ferdinand (no relation to heteroflexible Scottish rocksterinos)

– REM’s latest to be “hardcore”. Tour plans in the mix as well. Goooooodie gum drops.

– And with some help from the aforementioned Mr de la Roachclip, here’s a headline that the whole fam can enjoy: Nude Man Caught Covered In Nacho Cheese. If only he could find a woman covered in tortilla chips.

Pic love via Shady Harry’s Son

– Peace the fork out goes to the founder of Gold’s Gym. “Gym? What’s a gym? Oh! A gym!”

– Word on the street is that this guy loves to get intoxicated. And so does this sorta-NSFW cartoon (turn on sound). [Links via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Earlier this week, thanks to Levitticus, me and Ms Megbot checked out a taping of the The Graham Norton Effect. G Nort has got to be one of the funniest and cheekiest mother stickers in the entire world. His guests were Mac Culkin and RuPaul. I thought I Love the 90s was on VH1, not Comedy Central. Anwyho, he gave RuPee a very special deck of G W Bush cards that make a great gift for Labor Day.

– Remember ladies, never let yer b or g-friends take nudie pics of you as they may end up here. [NSFW Link via Tim ‘Going Back to Cali’ Fudgerino]

– I’m foaming at the mouth reading the deetz on Bjork’s next masterthing Medulla, which drops on August 31st.

– Everything you ever wanted to know about Mulholland Dr, but we’re too perplexed to axe.

– And speaking of enigmas, what’s the deal with NJ and not being able to pump yer own gas?

– It’s no Chuck-E-Cheese stizz, but these would also make great Labor Day gifts. [Link via Seltzer with an ‘H’]

– Hurry up NYseers cause this weekend be yo last chance to play the arcade versions of Frogger, Missile Command, Space Invaders, and me personal fav, Tron at the Museum of the Moving Image’s BLIP collection.

– And here’s yer melon-scratching headline for the day: Man Learns He’s Dead, Thanks to Blind Ex-Wife

[Pic love via Navi]

 

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Our thighs may be wide shut, but our lips aint sealed no mo!!! I’ve said some purty nasty things about the Duff in the past, but the thymes, they is a changing!! And plus, now that the Lohan recently became a legal beagle, I need to shift my attentions/lustings to someone else unreachable and inappropriate. But don’t get yer panties and pantries in a bunch folks, cause this dot organization will still be the 2nd most rockinest LL site next to LLRocks.com, ovs course. Anywho, enuff about that shells and more about the Duffdiver. As a parting gift to my dear gal Paint by Number Pony, I took her to a screening of A Cinderella Story, sponsored by my most favorite magazine next to Latin Inches, Family Circle.

The first half of the “film” was more predictable than watching that kid on yer left falling onto the pavement for the 17th time. Think She’s All That with less Prinze Jr. Plain Jane has a terrible life. Her dad died in an earthquake and is forced to be raised by her wicked step-mum (the ever cleavaged Jennifer Coolidge) and evil step-sistahs. She’s even forced to work at a diner! Oh the horror!!! Plain J dreams of going to Princeton and meets a feller from her high school on-line who wants to do the same thing. Our Jane keeps texting and IMing this Mr Right, who

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happens to be… wait for it… the school’s hunky QB, Mr Kool, but neither of them know it!!! Cue stoopid school dance with annoying DJ where the two will finally cross paths and destinies. Our Mr Kool is dressed as Prince Charming and our Jane as Cinderella. But here’s the catch, she’s wearing a mask, that barely covers her eyes, so her identity will remain a secret. The two share a magical evening filled with touching each other’s backs, until our Jane has to go back to work at the diner!! The whorer!!! I mean horror!!! Jane runs off before she reveals herself and Mr Kool is left with her cell phone. C’mon Mr Kool, how can you get into Princeton if you can’t even figure out that the chick with the slammin body isn’t Plain J? You can probably guess where the movie goes from here, but I’ll leave that to yer imagination as I guess none of you will see this movie ever.

Anywhoitz, this movie isn’t great, it’s not even good. Not even Paul Rodriguez’s appearance as the diner’s chef drums up any humor. And the best part of the movie was when the credits rolled to the tune of her and her sister’s rendition of “Our Lips Are Sealed.” But who cares? It was my first Duffmuncher flick and it was truly lust at first sight. I want to play with her hair using my toes. I want to rub ice cubes on her lips (the ones on her mouth silly) all day long. I want to spread JIF peanut butter all over her nose and lick it off with my tongue filled with jelly. I want to watch her get all wet gliding on a Slip ‘n Slide until the cows cum home. Maybe I can help mend the fences that have been built between her and the Lohan’s “retarded” feud.

Pee es – Now you can have the Fluffy Duffster call you or your friends!! [Link via Ultrahotttttie]