Thighs Wide Shut

Kids, I’m off to the rainbow and family friendly confines of Rehoboth Beach, Delawhere (yes, it is a state) for a lil R & R, A & P, AT & T. Good thing I’m going with my family and not my gay lover Elijah Wood. Whilst I is away, some very special guests will be posting crap on this site. In the meantime, I’ve posted a few jounks below to tide you over. See you all on the phillipside!

– Our girl CityRag Doll is making us foam at the mouth just reading about her LES Food Tour.

– Shady Friendster pictures eggsplained!! [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Win a Hanson concert at yer MASH (Mansion Apartment Shack or House)!

– There is nothing ‘hip’ about these undies.

– Duff plays the hits, but shows no tits. You call that a concert? Lettuce just wait to Her Royal Thighness, the Lohan, goes on tour.

– I don’t care if the peaches are flat or not, but they butter be shaved and not smell like tuna juice.

– And I’ll be size XXXXXL after my weak end of gorging on za, taffy, fries, and more za, but I’ll never ever join a gang of XXL women shoplifters. Piece the fudge out peoples. Be fruitful and multiply!!

– Forget about following what those “professional bloggers” are reporting at the DNC. Just czech out what our man the Shoppe of Products Keeper has scooped up.

– And is Vincent Gallo the creepiest Republican ever? [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Weezer, say it aint so: New York Subway Stop Names For Sale?.

– To Hell with Lohan’s Herbie: Fully Loaded, cause Toyota’s going to unleash a real car with real emotions. Scare-E shiz. Maybe we should have listened to Will Smith’s proclamation of Them, Robots.

– The Archdukes invade the Roseland Ballroom on September 9th. Tickets go on sale this Friday at noon. Get em before all the hipster bloggers beat you to em!

– Everyone’s one stop shop for a$$holeism, SiegHeil.de has a new look… being redirected to Shoa.de, a site dedicated to exposing the horrors of the Holocaust.

– My boy Wanamaker is fit, but don’t he know it! He’s the one smiling in the lower left-hand corner.

– If yer rich, marry me, but also peepage what my girl Chillary “My Last Name Really Isn’t” Johnmis on CNN has to say about bling-bleaux travel and leisure.

– Saddam loves muffins and cookies, gardening, and penning poems about GWBusch. He’s more American than Amerigo Vespucci.

– Words. Lots of words.

– VMA noms announced. Yer umhumble Thigh Master has declared a jihad on the VMAs ever since the Gorillaz’ “Clint Eastwood” video lost to Mudvayne for the M2 award in 2001.

– Jenny McCarthy to star in a Dirty movie that she also wrote and her husband will direct. If her boobs aren’t in it for 68/69nths of the time, I’ll demand my money back.

– Calculate how much booze you’ve downed in yer life here. [Link via Randall Palms]

– The Steven Segal Official Fan Club. Don’t sign up all at once now! [Link 1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]

– And don’t read this before lunch or visiting yer dentist: Dentist Allegedly Injected Semen Into Patients’ Mouths. [Link via Guns ‘n’ Rosenthal]

– We here at Thighs Wide blow camels for a living, but apparently we also blow minds as well. After outing the Raider of Panties as a Raider of Pantries on the side, we didn’t realize that it was actually true! Damn you office firewalls of the world! You took away my favorite site adorned with pink panties and forced him to fill it with books and pepper grinders! Breast in piece Panties!!

– Is it really illegal to tear the tags off your mattress? The truth explained! If only that poor shotgun-wielding Utahiahian knew that info when Fletch told him, “I’m afraid I’m gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn’t want to have to do this. I’m with the mattress police. There are no tags on these mattresses.” Yer not recoding this, are you?

– Polaroid: The Blog!

– Air’s “Alpha Beta Gamma”: One of the most umcredible songs of the year. Also, one of the slammninest tunes to feature whistling. Too bad the video doesn’t even come close to matching tits greatness. Peep on WindowsMedia or RealPlayer. (Make yer own remix of the song by clicking both a second apart.)

– Please, whatever you do, don’t pay good money to see a Brittany Murphy movie when you can see it for free. And for you special Neue Yorkers, I guarantee this free screening is going to be the bee’s wax: Code 46 starring Tom Robbins, Samantha Morton, and directed by the umazing Michael Winterbottom.

– The final season of The Sopranos hits small screens in 2006. Maybe in that span of time they’ll (love) actually come up with some storylines instead of AJ’s eyebrows getting shaved or Paulie Walnuts complaining about landscaping. And if not, they’ll just fill the rest of their cast with Goodfellas actors. I’m sure Johnny Roastbeef or even the great Jimmy Two Times aren’t all that busy. Gotta go get the papers, the papers!!

– And finally, I ask you: What’s Asian, covered in dry blood, and makes me want to cut off my johnson? This girl. [Link via Biz vs the Newbs]

After some grueling months of campaigning and cat fights, you, the people and readers of TWS.org, have chosen my next wife. Here are the results from wurstest to breastest:

You all should have yer head eggzamined!

Pic stolen from our berry good fiends over at f.u.b.a.r.

Thanks for voting and be sure to weigh in on our new poll!