Thighs Wide Shut

– Our Thighs Spies spill the beans about Her Royal Thighness from the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded. We all know she’s an overtanner, no thanks to her milky Irish complexion, but she’s also a crazy lush who has to have handlers follow her around everywhere to make sure she doesn’t go to parties. That way she won’t show up to the set all hungover and gross looking. But don’t worry hun, I’d still lick you from head to toe even if u were wearing a tunafish kitty litter g-string covered in gefilte fish. And if you want sweetsie, we can make our stambed, a tanning bed.

– And even more from the pointless Lohan news department: Lindsay Lohan’s Father Denies He Kicked in Door

– My dearest Uncle Grambzy was quoted in a NYTimes piece about Vincent Gallo… sort of.

– Jessica Cutler, aka Ms Washingtonienne aka Capitol Ho-Bag, gets the full Washington Post treatment. And what words of wisdom she gots: “I was only blogging for, what, less than two weeks? Some people with blogs are never going to get famous, and they’ve been doing it for, like, over a year. I feel bad for them.” Thankz bizotch, but some of us don’t need to suck cock to be famous. I just want to be famous for eating funnel cakes… [via Flea]

– Newsday likens Little Steven’s Garage-A-Thon MC Kim Fowley to Max Headroom. Too bad we already broke that story hours earlier bizatches!!! But czech out these fab photos they posted. And what was with all the crazy film cameras at the event (that Iggy Pop humped)? Oh, that was just director Chris Columbus (Mrs Doubtfire, and the two not-so-good Harry Potter movies) filming a doc of the whole show. Good, now I can cherish the Electric Prunes for eternity!!

– Rolling Stoned drummer, Charlie Watts, is battling throat cancer. That’s a crying shame considering the dude always looked so cool when smoking a fag (that’s British slang for homosexual/cigarette).

– What has a lot of blonde hair and a combined IQ of -6? The Paris Hilton/Nick Carter sex video.

– Imagine being the guy/gal forced to sit next to Andy Rooney at the movies…

– John Malkovich is Stanley Kubrick in Colour Me Kubrick. Be sure to watch the teaser, which is one of the wurstestest known to man.

– Stamps are cool. And in 2005, they will be even coolerer. Look for ones featuring the likes of Ronald Reagan, Henry Fonda, Greta Garbo, Arthur Ashe, Jim Henson & The Muppets, and some Disney characters.

– Phish fans abandon cars to get to the farewell shows this past weekend in VT. They say the floods caused all the problems, but I bet a truck carrying barrels of patchouli jackknifed and made the area reek of dirty hippies… before the dirty hippies showed up. Peace the fudge out to vacuum cleaner music for good!!

– Caddyshack legend Bill Baroo is sold for a measly $5,336.00. [via Navi]

– We all know about Awful Plastic Surgery (this one takes the cake), but what about Good Plastic Surgery? Either way, I’d still bone Katie Holmes before or after! [1st link via Amberger]

– Love Pittsburgh AND signs? It’s yer lucky day.

– The War of the Worlds is happening sooner than you think. Be sure to lube up before we invade Uranus. [via Wanamaker]

– The voice of “please hang up and try again” revealed! Best phone sex me’ve ever had!!

– Trump, on November 9th, yer fired bizatch! Why? The Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best

– And finally, you know yer mum is the bombsheet when she tells you, “It would’ve been more creative if you would have named your website Thighs Wide Open.” Thanks ma, without you keeping yer thighs wide open in November of 1977, none of this would’ve ever been possible. Love you! Send cookies!! Sorry that the above statements were far more gross than Arye Gross‘ post Soul Man career.

– SI.com unveils the Top 10 Most Embarrassing TV/Radio Interview Moments. Jim Mora’s “Playoffs?” (click for audio) rant sadly came in at only numero 7!!! The injustice!! And what, no love for “Diddly Poo“? And “in my opinion, that sucks” The Mora’s rants were so um-umcredible that they should have their own country to be ruled by. [1st link via Flea]

– Did you know that women’s orgasms fill an average of just 1.4 hours in their lives, compared to men’s at 9.3 hours? And that a man’s o-face usually lasts for only 12.6 seconds? 12.6 f-in seconds? Hopefully stem-cell research will change all that.

– Ever wanted to charge something using a Lohan Visa card or send a letter with stamps featuring a picture of yer wife’s poonanny? Well now you can! Czech out the One of a Card Visa and PhotoStamps!

– In celebration of Rolling Stone‘s 50 Years of Rock and Roll (does it matter that the mag hasn’t rocked and/or rolled for the past 10 years?), there will be a berry special two day concert, Sept 17 & 18, at Roseland, including the likes of: James Brown, The Strokes, Bo Diddley, Slash, Lenny Kravitz, Cheap Trick, The (faux) Doors, Velvet Revolver, Ben Folds, Wyclef, and The Darkness. No tickets will be sold, but you can try to win em here.

– The NFL is getting all ninny on us for the upcoming season’s kickoff game’s entertainment. Instead of Ron Jeremy, Marilyn Manson, and Hitler eating a watermelon, they’ve lined-up such ‘safe’ acts as Elton John, Destiny’s Child, Mary J. Blige and Lenny Kravitz. Will they be shocked when they find out that Lenny Kravitz doesn’t wear undies and Elton is gay? Damn you Janet Jackson and yer ultra scary boob.

– A 1,072 pound man lost 321 of them el-bees. To him, it must have felt like taking a dump and having two humans come out. And speaking of eating, here’s Hannibal Lecter’s dream wedding. [vias Flea a-gain]

– What soundtrack features The Streets, Franz Archdukes, The Sounds, Air, Morrissey, New Order, INXS and many mo? No, not Zach Braff’s next joint, but EA Sportses’ FIFA 2005 game. It’s a gooooooooooooooooooooooooal!!!

– The next victim of Q magazine’s cash for questions is none other than David Brent. Send yer queries here.

– Where does your city rank on literacy? Not good news if yer a Texan/President of the US.

– Win a trip to the MTV VMAs in Miami. I’d rather be in an Iraqi prison, nekkid and on top of a man pyramid. And for you NYSeers, click for free passes to Diego Luna’s latest.

Welcome to our version of QVC (me mum’s favorite TV channel).

Lohan Visa, don’t leave home w/out it

– The Cat In The Hat goes all Yiddish and sheet. Mazel Tov and raisin toast!

– And if yer looking to rest in peace during tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, terrorist attacks, stalkings, kidnappings, and drive-bys, then the Quantum Sleeper is just for you! I’m gonna get mine blinged out with a CD & DVD player, Microwave, Refrigerator, a spoiler, and glowing neon lights on the bottom.

Collateral

No Collateral Damage Here Folks!

Michael Mann is really the man. He’s even gots an extra ‘n’ to prove it. The dude knows action and how to make pastels look good on men (see any episode of Miami Vice). While the flamingo pinks and chalk blue duds take a vacation in Collateral, the action and thrills mos certainly don’t. This flick is all that Heat should have been, but wasn’t. Everyone expected a movie with DeNiro and Pacino facing off to be the end all, but 6 1/2 hours later, we were all morerer bored than an emery board. My expectations were set on low for this one with the thought of a Jaime Foxx/white-haired Cruise teaming, but I was proved wrong twice over. Foxx is the real deal (like his Any Given Sunday character stated, “I aint going back to the bench”) and Cruise eggscelled in a rare baddie role. And when does a movie with Mark Ruffalo Wings sporting a shady mustache ever truly blow giraffe ball sweat? Never… until we saw him bang 76-year-old Meg Ryan in Jane Campion’s In the Cut. I won’t get into plot deetz, but for those of you who caught the David car-jacking ep on Six Feet Wonder, it was like that, times 3 and with more guns and gritty camera-work. This is a muss sea y’all. You want a thriller? Skip F Murray Shamaylamadingdong’s latest and set sail on this one bizotches!

Garden State

Wrong Exit On Turnpike

Why is Zach Braff being pimped-up as the next Jesus? The way people talk, you’d think that his directorial debut was Citizen Kane for the 00’s. It’s not even Reality Bites for any generation. He’s been compared to the Woodman, Hal Ashby, and posterchild for uber-coolness, Wes Anderson, but he’s more like a film student who somehow convinced Natalie Portman to pet and neck him and wear a bathing suit. Damn I wish I was a sitcom actor with connections. I’d be like “Lohan, why don’t you stop tanning and play me love interest in this movie about my home state of Maryland. I call it, The Old Line State. So sweet-teets, is you in or is you in?” And then people would hail me as the next Kubrick and post many a compliments on this .org as they do on his ‘blog’. Sure the direction was crisp, but haven’t I seen these shots in every movie of the past ten years? Sure the soundtrack rizocked, esp Simon & G-Funk’s “The Only Living Boy In New York”, but isn’t this movie about NJ and not NY? You wouldn’t even be able to tell by one frame of the entire film… cept when you hear the word ‘Newark’ in a VO or the Jersey accents that actors keep losing. And what’s with the plot? Boy disconnected with world. Mum dies. Goes home to NJ (did he really?). Ends up reconnecting. No thanks to his father Bilbo/Ian Holm, who was more wasted in this movie than Mickey Rourke in Barfly. And what’s the story with the Method Man’s back-alley peep-show cameo? Or the dude wearing knight’s armor after boning someone’s mum? Or the shirt that matches the bathroom wall? Don’t even get me firestarted. It seems like Braffster had like 312,332,176,674,434,566 cool ideas for scenes and somehow made a movie with them all. Now its time to play with letters: ‘e’ for nice effort, ‘a’ for not awful, and ‘c’ for lets wait and c what the kid comes up with next. By the way, my new b-friend Peter Sarsgaard should be in every movie ever and win every prize known to man, ever. Forever ever never battle of evermore ever!

Cube

Rubik’s Diarrheaing In His Grave

I think this was a Sci-Fi Channel original movie, but by the looks of it, a Bar Mitzvah videographer couldn’t even conjure up something this un-umcredbile. And I wish I could build a time machine and travel back to the casting call for this shitpick. They must have eggcepted the first 7 people who walked thru the door who were willing to work for Polly-O-String Cheese.

– Look who’s pairing up: Ali G and Shaggy (again?), James Spader & William Shatner (together at last), and Marion Barry and politics (again? dude loves it more than crack and ho-bags) [via Fleaski again]. If only we can get Charo and Flava Flav to live under one roof… oh wait, that’s already happening. Best combos ever? Some say nacho cheese, others, Dudley Moore and Kirk Cameron, or turkey wrapped in bacon, Arm & Hammer, Deloitte, Touche & Tohmatsu, A&W, mortar & pestle, or even Ludivine Sagnier and being nekkid (NSFW).

– Where the funk are all these NY ‘cuddle parties‘ taking place? And how come the Thigh Master is getting cut out of the loop? Isn’t the house password ‘fidelio’? [via Flea]

– “Fancy” Ketchup explained!!

– The NY Times and Daily News get premature ejact for Lebowski Fest NY. And is it me or is fest co-founder Will me and Lohan’s long lost brother (note the sunglasses)?

– Franz Ferdie, aka, the Archdukes, add a 2nd Roseland show. Pixies’ December Hammerstein shows presale begins Thursday. And the mighty Supergrass jaunt to our shores for a six-pack of shows. All shows should be more killer than Lizzie Borden.

– Nader, yer campaign slogan should be Unsafe At Any Speed. Go drive a Chevrolet Corvair far away from this election. Thanks. This message paid for by Americans who actually want votes to count for something.

– Can you name all 53 states? Who we missing here? East Carolina, Texas II, and New Canada?

– TATU are no longer lesbians, just rabid smoke haters.

– Skins win preseason opener, lose #1 Dirtbag Jansen, and make me salivate for more. Sean Taylor looked good enuff to make me say Champ who?

– Please watch this video clip of Andy Rooney driving a tiny car: Real Media or Windows Media. At his age, he should be driving one of those mini Shriner cars.

– Peace the f%$k out to King Kong’s ho-bag Fay Wray. Damn, I was going to set her 96-year-old booty up with Andy Rooney and his fly-a$$ car.

– Larry Carlson’s site, best viewed on peyote.

– I think I’m going to get over my fear of a weight rooms and try for the 2008 Olympics. Especially since my meals would consist of massive cheeseburgers, Bugels and cookies. [via Brawny Man]

– The CD I cunt stop listening too is The Fiery Furnaces’ Blueberry Boat. It’s like a slab of PJ Harvey, wrapped in Radiohead lettuce, topped with a dollop of the Clockwork Orange soundtrack.

You are now entering the penis zone:

– Protect your largest organ. [via Navi]

– Major props de leon haves got to go out to my girl Charges, the engineer of the eggsalad Rollertrain, who sent me a lb of porn, and one of the sweetest letters I’ve received in a long time. Can’t wait to czech out such slutty titles as Swallopalooza and the instant classic, Sweet Ho Alabama.

– And is cutting off your penis ever a good idea? Even if yer a 70-year-old Moroccan who’s wife refused to bang you for a longs thyme.

So much is a buzz with Her Royal Thighness. First she was invited to perform at the GOP Convention, but told em to shove it up their stem cells. [via Steak Tatara]. Next she racked (and what a great rack it is) up 4 Teen Choice Awards (about as worthless as a library or social security card) for best movie hissy fit and best movie blush and best thighs as voted by the Thigh Master. And finally, fire crotch went out and broke my heart by wearing a bling-blaux ring given to her by b-friend Fez, which has in turn sparked rumors of MARRIAGE!!! So sayeth it aint so!! That’s OK, cause me thinks we were Bitched @ Swirth (note the sunglasses).

[more LL images here via Ms ModernRox]