Thighs Wide Shut

– Meat the cast of The Real World Philly. Here’s my forecast for the upcoming season: Willie (the gay Puerto Rican) dominates most of the storylines, I bet Shavonda accuses MJ of being a racist at some point, Melanie won’t shave her bush the entire time, and Sarah will be the next Mrs. Thigh Master cause she is most attracted to bad boys who are witty, independent, athletic and a challenge. Does masturbating count as athletic? I hear it’s going to be an eggzibition game at the next Olympics…

– Did a Transformers comic predict the terrible events of 9/11? [via MuseZam of Hoaxes]

– This is the most amazing dog you’ll ever see.

– John Lennon said ‘give peace a chance’, but I don’t think he’d ever say give Converse’s peace shoes a chance.

– Lohan, stop trying to make me jealous.

– This blog celebrates the last-place finishes at the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens. Because they’re there, and you’re not. At least someone is enjoying these games. Wake me up for the first luge event in Torino.

– John Kerry to appear on The Daily Show tonight. Somewhere Ted Koppel is throwing darts at a picture of Jon Stewart.

– Graham Norton is having such a gay olde thyme in NYC, that he’s in no hurry to return to Britain. Can you blame him? The pizza over there blows more than Linda Lovelace.

– ESPN is slowly turning into MTV. The latest piece of crap their peddling is a drama series about Vega$ called Tilt. It’s being written and directed by the team behind Rounders. Why don’t they take that money and re-hire Craig Kiljoy.

-Buy this UTZ Zippo lighter for me and I’ll be yer best friend.

– The Beastie Boys are playing MSG on October 9th. Tickets go on sale this Friday, but there’ll be a pre-sale tomorrow AM @ 10 AM. The password is ‘trouble’.

– The first night’s line-up of the first annual New York Jewish Music & Heritage Festival sounds quite interesting: Neil Sedaka performs Irving Berlin & Sedaka, Lisa Loeb & Jill Sobule perform Simon & Garfunkel, David Broza performs Carole King, and Philip Glass performs… Philip Glass.

– Sahara Hotnights are on the road again. They take a Brooklyn pitstop on September 13th at the fab venue Southpaw. Also, Sondre Lerche drops by on October 19th.

– The New York Dolls are going to release a new album. No word on a “Hot, Hot, Hot” remix…

– You didn’t demand it, but here are some more pimp costumes.

– Double boo-urns: Wayans Bros to make a Munster movie (can’t they think of an idea of their own?) and Ellen DeFishTaco is going to star as Gawd in a remake of Oh, God!. I should just do everyone a favor and add these two to the Slit Yer Eyes Out list now.

– And when I think of a county fair, smelly animals, obscenely large watermelons, and rigidity rides come to mind. But apparently Pemberville, Ohio’s fair is like none other. They have a gross-out contest where people stick their heads into a toilet bowl full of chicken gizzards, chicken necks, water, Worcestershire sauce and corn and whoever pulls out the most meat, wins.

Pee es – The long list of albums eligible for this year’s Shortlist Music Prize has been announced. In me opinion, they should just narrow down the field to The FF Archdukes, The Streets, Air, Travis, and Neil Young.

At the end of the day, the only thing that matters more in life than Lindsay Lohan and her tantalizing thighs is family. Yer mum and dad. Yer bro and sis. Yer bubbie and yer panpa. Yer auntie and uncle grambo. Yer nieces and nepotism. Cherish them all dear readers, for they are your kin folk and knives, and if they love you, well maybe they’ll send you presents for your birthday or around Kwanzaa time. This past weak end was spent cherishing, gorging, and jumping up and down on a trampoline in lovely/rural Bennington, Vermont, with so many of such peoples on mees family tree, who are quite near and dear to me heart. And since I don’t have a wife or significant other to bring to the family ho-down, I got to play with my 7,462 young cousins (ages ranged from real young to about maybe 12). My cousins’ Nate and Nicky’s perfect little 4-year-old darling of a daughter, Emma (pictured), changed my outlook on the next few years of me life. She was quite attached to me and I was to her. And when I say attached, I mean literally attached. Like when I’d walk around, she’d follow me and tug on my shirt and ask me in her angelic voice if I wanted to sit on the couch, which I had no problem doing as it’s my favorite hobby next to basket weaving, and then when we’d sit on the couch and she’d smile wide at me and then hug me around the neck. She’d then turn her head away from me and then turn back and then hug me all over again. This would happen about every 17.6 seconds, eggcept for when I was smoking endless amounts of really cheaply priced Vermont cigarettes. Emma even asked if I wanted to be her girlfriend. No one has ever asked me that before. These 21st century kids, you go! When we parted ways this morning, Emma gave me some going away presents. I got a rubber bracelet, a sticker, some of her lip gloss smeared on my white polo, and a picture she drew of the two of us (apparently I have a circle in the middle of my forehead). The smile couldn’t be erased from my face. And on the road back to eNwhYCee, my mission was clear: I want to have a baby, especially a beautiful daughter, and as soon as humanly possible. This is where you all come in. I need your help. Help me, help… me. A son won’t do (as of now), but I aint Henry the VIII, so you’ll get to keep yer head. And if yer lucky, you may just end up being The Thigh Master’s baby’s momma.

Pee es – not only is Emma umcredible, but so are the rest of my little cousins. They rule more than a billion million yard sticks. Czech out these amazing photos of lil Joshie at his 6th b-day party, months ago.

– This LLL (Lindsay Lohan [the] Lush) thing is really getting out of lo-hand. Where were the Lo-handlers when she got all crazy/beautiful wasted in Vega$, while b-friend Fez and some below-Average Joe contestant mixed words and almost fists? And click here for some pics of LL doing her best Courtney Love impersonation. [via Stereosizzle]

– Drawn Together is sure to be the breastest animated reality show mount everest! Click here for a video sneak peep (Windows Media). [via Puttin’ on the Witz]

– The body count on Ice-T’s band Body Count keeps mounting. Guitarist D-Roc just joined members Mooseman and Beatmaster V in the peace the fudge out club. However, Ice and the rest of the Counters are still set to release their first album in 7 years, Murder for Hire. I juss hope they don’t hire anyone to murder the remaining members.

– The Braffster and Portman an item? I really need to become a director so I can have the finest lizadies star in my movie and make them fall in love with my boyish charms. [via GoldenFiddleDiddle]

– Lance Armstrong is the new Forrest Gump. [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Don’t drink and drive… a horse and buggy.

– China’s hairiest man wants to be a rock star. If he ever wants to form a band, he should enlist the yeti, Thundarr’s pal Ookla the Mok, and Harry Anderson. [via Warner Sistah]

– Buy these shirts for your kids and I hope you burn in hell. [via Swiss Alpo]

– Bored? Of course you are. Play Boggle on-line!

– Franz Ferdie vs The Beastie Boys [mp3 via Zach de la Roachclip]

– New Pixies album not happening… yet.

– John Edwards looks eerily too natural in this Robin costume. [via JR Squared]

– And what’s the best NYC restaurant to search for pussy? The Meow Mix Cafe of course!

– The gossip whores over at Defamer picked up our Lohan the Lush story (thanks to the BlogFather, Uncle Grambszy) and because of dat, we received more hits yesterday than Cheech & Chong took in all of their movies. And then when I picked up my local free ghetro newspaper, AM New York (click on the paper for a .pdf of today’s edition), this morning, in their ‘Buzz’ section they mentioned the LL lush story and cited Defamer and ‘other sources’. I guess they didn’t want to mention TWS cause of our deep devotion to mustaches and tunafish kitty litter g-strings. Anywho, I’ve got even more dirt on Her Royal Thighness! Rumor has it that she ate lunch AND dinner yesterday! Oh snap. More on this developing story as it happens.

– The wait is finally over. Peep the trailer to Wes Anderson’s latest joint: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, starring Bill Murray. Is there any possible way this movie is going to be bad? Me thinks snot!!

– A confirmed list of performers have been announced for the CMJ 2004 MUSIC MARATHON, October 13-16. The list includes such hot a$$ talent as AESOP ROCK, CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN, CLINIC, Q AND NOT U, RJD2, SONDRE LERCHE, SONIC YOUTH, SPARTA, TED LEO/PHARMACISTS, TRAIL OF DEAD, TV ON THE RADIO, VHS OR BETA, WHIRLWIND HEAT and many more!!

– The Archdukes, aka Franz Ferdie, made an oops when they released the CD single for their heteroflexible single “Michael”. They put too many tracks on it and thus it wouldn’t qualify as a single. Their stoopidity is our gain. You can download the extra track “Tell Her Tonight (Paul Sings)” directly from their website.

– New Yakers, click here for free tickets to what is sure to be the wurstest Anaconda movie of them all.

– Do yerself a favor and do these three things this week: BUY Da Ali G Show: Season 1 DVD, RENT Mayor of the Sunset Strip, and EAT Popeyes Fried Chicken.

– Preview bits of Bjork’s latest here (be sure to launch the Medulla Player) and take a listen to R.E.M.’s forthcoming single “Leaving New York” here. Also, for those of you want to score tix for the Vote For Change Tour, they will go on sale this Saturday, August 21st. Sign up at MoveOn Pac for pre-sale info.

– I never knew origami had artists, but I guess this guy is the van Gogh of the group.

– A bear refuses to drink Busch beer, but downs 36 cans of Rainier Beer and passes out. [via D Brawny-man]

– And for those of you who didn’t dig deep into the website dedicated to Ilan Mitchell-Smith, shame on you. You missed the fact that he’s currently a Professor of History at an undisclosed US university and this is what he looks like today. Navi and eye will be searching every university across our great land in order to find Wyatt.

AVP: Alien vs Predator

Save Yer $10, I’ll Slit Yer Eyes Out For Free!!

Alien vs Predator. More like Boring-Lame-O Humans Spelunking, While Occasionally Some Aliens Fight Some Predators And Stuff. When us people go to see a movie with initials in it (A.I., V.I. Warshawski, D.A.R.Y.L.) we expect to be entertained, and not have our intelligences raped, gawddangsit!!! Who wants to watch people search for artifacts for 45 minutes, when these characters should have been killed in the first 10 minutes and allow the real “stars” of the movie to rip the lungs off of each other for the next 80 minutes? Sure, a lot of humans do eventually get Sgt slaughtered, but things get so recockulus that a surviving woman befriends a Predator and they team up to take down some Aliens. I was just waiting for the Odd Couple theme song to chime in. YIIIIIIIKES this was truly whoreriffic. I wasn’t eggspecting Kramer vs Kramer here folks, but at least something resembling a movie!! Writer/Director Paul W.S. Anderson needs to stop playing Halo and take at least one screenwriting class. Or maybe he should have just opened a pad of Mad Libs and where it says name, enter “Alien” or “Predator”, and for the verbs, drop a “slash” or “mutilate” and then we’dabeen cooking!! This now makes two P.W. Andersons on my movie jihad list. One’s way over-pretentious (raining frogs?) and the other is a shlockmiester who wouldn’t know a good script from bad, even if Charlie Kaufman diarrheaed Being John Malkovich on his forehead. But with all wet dumps, there has to be light at the end of the wipe. And the only positive thing I could think of is that Lance Henriksen received a paycheck. You can’t say the same thing of Ilan Mitchell-Smith, who played dear ole Wyatt in Weird Science. Do you think he keeps in touch with his screen brother, Chet/Bill Paxton?

Anywho, here’s some versus movies me’d like to see be made:

Paul Mitchell vs Vidal Sassoon

Nekkid Lindsay Lohan vs Kirsten Dunst In Pudding

Verse vs Chorus

Pearl Jam’s Ten vs Pearl Jam’s Vs.

Aliens vs Eileen Wuornos

The People vs White Flint Mall

Fred Savage vs Judge Reinhold in Vice Versus

Barry Lyndon

Like Going To The Met For Three Hours, Without The Lines

I made a promise to myself and bygosh, I fulfilled it. Ya see, Stanley Kubrick is the greatest filmmaker of all time (OK, maybe second next to Joel Suckmaker) in my humble opinion. I’ve seen all of his brillyant works over and over and sometimes over that over, but I had never seen his period drama Barry Lyndon, which netted 4 Oscars at the ’76 Academy Awards. My sacred oath was to see it in a theater and thanks to one of the finest museums in New York Sit-Tay, America Museum of the Moving Image, the dream become a reality. I’m not much of a 18th Century English costume drama kind of Thigh Master, but if one person could pull it off and make me go ga-ga for it, it would be the Kubrickster. The man could tackle any genre he attempted: sci-fi, comedy, horror, war, thriller, and even the caper. And after inhaling the 3 hours of beauty that was displayed onscreen, period drama could also be added to that list. I was never bored, as something was always happening and oddly engaging, but I could easily see how some would fall under a coma of malaise. Kubrick was so meticulous in nailing down all of the little details of the era that you don’t feel like yer watching a movie about the late 1700s, but actually living in that time and going to the cinema to watch a movie about modern times. Yes, film hadn’t even been invented back then, but you get the idea. Ryan O’Neal may not have been the ideal choice as the title character, but its the settings, lighting, make-up, costumes, and music (the mise en scène, if you will) that do all the work here. Kubes choose to shoot entirely on location (real castles and the like) and utilize natural lighting. When you see a room illuminated by candlelight, that’s all the lighting used in that scene. For you green film students out there, in order to capture such delicate lighting you need a very special lens and SK was blessed to use a camera lens developed for NASA. This is probably the greatist period drama ever filmed and a muss c classic fo shore… unless yer too saturated with movies that contain sub-machine guns, cells phones, or Ben Affleck.

Dans ma peau aka In My Skin

aka The Worstestest ‘Skin’ Flick Me Have Ever Seen

A woman accidentally scrapes her legs and as time wears on, she becomes overly obsessed with scraping herself even more. If you enjoy watching a woman cut the sheet out of her arm with a steak knife under a table and doing other unwatchable stuff with her skin, then please turn in yer Thighs Wide membership card and move to Russia you sadistic f#%!