Thighs Wide Shut

– The Winter Olympics are soooo much butter than the Summer games. Case in point: Turin 2006 just unveiled their mascots, Neve & Gliz, who just happen to be not as deformed or semi-retarded lookin like Athens’ unloved duo Phevos & Athena. [via Laing Sack of Shit]

– Lohan’s hotness seems to be slipping these daze. First there were the highly un-sexy snaps of her in this month’s GQ and now we’re stuck with this very un-cumcredible cover to her single ‘Rumors’. If I were her, I’d cover my face too! But not before taking a bubble bath and touching my, er, uh, um, her boobs.

– A VA private school doled out margaritas to kids instead of limeade. DOH! Some of the kids found the libation ‘gross’, while other said it made the girls in their class look ‘wicked hot’.

– Have you ever banged some poon in Cancun on a Spring Break sexcapade long ago and wanted to be reunited with that special slut? This site was create for sleaze balls sacs like you! [via Made of Brawnsteen]

– Create yer own Lego person. [via Pakulashaker]

– Peace the spork out to Geoffrey Beene counter! You kicked major (bill) (bl)ass!

– Spaceballs II? Why GAWD, WHY??? Re-watch the 1st one and let me know if you still find it funny. [via GoldenFiddlerOnTheRoof]

РEuropean pets will now need a passport when traveling. And Se̱or Spot, are you bringing any fruits or plants into this country? Arf! You may proceed.

– And happy 34th flippin b-day to Natalie Wood’s daughter/Hollywood’s flyest three-named actress who has disappeared off the face of the earth: Natasha Gregson Wagner. We miss you sweetits!! If need be, we can squeeze you in on the lesbian Charlie’s Angels movie in production.

– Congrats to Conan, the funniestest man to ever grace late night telly, on mcnabbing The Tonight Show gig, but why do we have to wait until 2009? This should have been taken care of back ‘in the year 2000’.

– Lohan’s papa passes the fork out and then gets tossed from Scores. [via A Socialite’s Life Cereal]

– Dan The Automattica will be the pimp behind the wheels on Franz Federline’s next album.

– What’s yer Glam Rock name? From now on, just call me Bobby Shinola.

– Shakyface.com claims they’re ‘one of the world’s STUPIDEST sites!‘ No argument here.

– Click me for free passes to Hilary Duff’s next piece of crud.

– Oddest combination since the McGriddle: Hasidic Reggae. [via Seltzer with an H]

– Wanna punch GW Bush in the face? Now’s yer chance! [via One Goode Groove]

– John Lennon worshipers may kill Mark David Chapman if he’s released from jail.

– Learn how to fold a shirt, the hard way. [via Biz vs the Newbs]

– Tony Almeida, aka THE F-IN MAN, lives to see another 24 hours.

– Dad Says Principal Duct-Taped Son’s Pants [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– And just wanted to send along some major props de leon to Mr Cewebrity for assembling the most beautiful people in all of the Bloggerati ( Stereoshizzle, Ms Ism, UltraHotness, Karen + Yum, Jess Gawker, Jen Daily Planet, Back in Black Table, Da Real Deal Janelle, and Aaron Auto-Focus) for the NYC premiere of one of the breastest music docs me has ever seen: Dig! (full review forthcuming). The afterparty wasn’t too shabby either where we all mixed and jingled with director Ondi Timoner, ex-Brain Jonestown Massacre bosstone Joel Gion, the Rods of Idlewild, and my favoritestic Danish duo, Sharon and Sune Raveonette.

– The costumes have juss been unveiled for the new The Fantastic Four movie. I have serious reservations about how good it will actually be, especially since the most apt person to play The Thing czeched out on us in ’98, but after taking this Alba pic to the bathroom for 18 1/2 minutes, this will tee-boviously be the most frantastic Fantastic Four movie Mt everest! Bi-the-weigh, why on earth did the producers choose one of Gawd’s mostest gorgeous creatures play an INVISIBLE WOMAN!!! Wasn’t their a need for Spread Eagle Girl? [via Navi/Pakulashaker]

– The mostest pointless news story rocking the world right now is that Her Royal Thighness will not reveal her political affiliation. And why should she? She’s piecing together her run for the White House with Michael Dukakis in ’08. Backdafuckup Hillary Clinton and Hilary Duff!!

– Did you catch Mike Wallace’s interview with jack-ass at-large Bill O’Reilly on the season premiere of 60 Minutes? It was only 1/2 as umcredible as Andy Rooney’s rant about his disgust for people who don’t vote.

– Bob Dylan gets all Jewish and shit this past weak end. [via Glennmidiah and the Burrito Posse]

– Download the new U2 song here. You know what they say, if it aint baroque, then don’t fix it. [via ProductFudgeShoppeNYC]

– I always thumb thru every single piece of spam I get, but usually I’m not interested in such offers to lower my mortgage, increase my penis size, or a large sum of money with my name on it waiting for me in Nigeria. However, this company caught my eye and I’m thinking of getting a large balloon of The Kid to hang outside of HQ in Thighland, Thailand.

– Old firecrotch hotness, Julianne Moore, beats out lower-lip biting hotness, Katie Holmes at this paat week end’s box office. By the way, is anyone out there jonesing for me to revive my Box Office Bidness thang? I’ve left it for dead ever since we went all dot org and stuff.

– How are we suppose to take the Moro Islamic Liberation Front seriously, if their acronym is MILF? [via Laing Sack of Shit]

– Larry David’s TV wife joins the cast of Lohan Herbie: Fully Loaded.

– Matt Sharp & Rivers Cuomo’s reunion may never see the light of day. And whatever you do, please don’t rent the Michael J Fox/Joan Jett mastercheese, Light of Day.

– FraudFrond.com, a site more useless than TWS. However, they did link to these fine sites: Eric Conveys An Emotion and good ole Engrish. [via Seltzer with an H]

– Dame Mary Poppins will never sing again. Whoever that bastage is who botched her throat operation should be forced to watch Princess Diarrheas & Princess Diarrheas 2: Royal Engagement over and over again until his eyes fall out.

– T4. Quadruple BOOOO-urns!!! Like I care if Claire Danes saves us from my-so-called future.

– Is the world really yearning for an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? I for one is clamoring for a big screen adventure from Dangermouse or Hulk Hogan’s Rock N’ Wrestling!

– Everyone contact Wagamama and demand that they bring one to the grand ole USA NOW!

– This is a whole lotta whistling.

– Mailboxes, etc. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– And here’s a charming headline to start yer week off right: Teacher Sends Feces Home With 6-Year-Old

The Fiery Furnaces with White Magic

Bowery Ballroom – September 25

Donny & Marie Osmond. Karen & Richard Carpenter. Eleanor & Matthew Friedberger. Which of these brother-sister musical combos isn’t like the other? Let me axe you a butter question, which of these sibling sensations rocked the rizzle roof off the Bowery Ballroom this past Saturday night, in front of yers drooly, the Dog of Landers + 498 other beautifullofit people? I’ll give you a hint, it’s the duo whose last name sounds like they were the focus of a Capturing The documentary. The Friedbergers are the pimps behind the wheels of one of the mostest uniqueness bands I’ve heard in a wrong time: The Fiery Furnaces. If you haven’t picked up their exotic 2nd album, Blueberry Boat, you’ve missed out on one of the breastest releases of this year. [Note: The Double Fs are like microwaved tuna, an acquired taste listen that won’t agree with everyone’s palette… especially if you have no taste.]

I was eagerly awaiting to see how their tongue-tying lyrics and whimsical circus-like smorgasbord of sound would translate into a live performance and to my udder delight, they was berry very amazinglyumcredibleisticali (btw, that’s the new CrazySexyCool)! Sure, any good ‘F’ band from Fugazi to Franz Federline can replicate their sound purrfectly on stage, but it takes a certain (alec) geniusness to take yer entire oeuvre, flip it on its head (yes, songs have heads) and re-mix it into a hour + medley of majestic manic madness that left me munching for more!! The Friedbergers, along with their rabid stick-man Andy Knowles and synthesizersoother Toshi Yano, kept the energy level and toe tappinin at such an absolute maximum overdrive, from start to finnish furniture, that no one even dared to mcnabb a second beer or see a man about a horse, or a whore for that matter. The White Stripes may be the breastest fake brother-sister duo in music today, but the Fiery Fs are the ultimate warrior breastestness real bro-sis one-two punch in our known solar system. And I think I’m gonna have to toss aside Ms Lohan cause I’m starting to swoon for Eleanor F… not to be confused with Axel F.

Other notes:

– The White Magic’s music and singing seem like they should eggsist in separate bands. And, although their lead singer resembles Sissy Spacek, I’d still like to eat pecan waffles off her body and play hours of Othello with her.

– Couzin Dan-o, who shares the same appetite for destruction of the human stomach as I do, recommended the vodka pizza at Pomodoro for pre-show eats, and after shoving it down my pie hole, I have to highly recommend it too.

– The JMZ subway line has gotta be the mostest worthless in all of NYC.

Further Reading: NYThymes, Pitchspork Media, and Latin Inches

We give you the LLGQS

(Lindsay Lohan’s Gentlemen’s Quarterly SPREAD)

Click image above for the rest of dem snaps!

Props de leon to Tony Le Tigre for the link love!!

“All right, Mr Master o’ Thighs*, I’m ready for my close-up.”

* no disrespect to Mr Cecil B DeMille