Thighs Wide Shut

– Linda W. Cropp is the new Hitler. But maybe DC’s better off without baseball anyway. That way I can go back to being a hater and the city can go back to being Skins Country.

– Oh crap, if I ever want to win Her Former Royal Thighness’ heart back, I better get meself a car! I’m thinking she’d love to roll around town in a pimped-out LeCar. But she probably doesn’t have time for me anymore since her debut album hit #4 on Billboard’s chart! Wow? Who knew that so many Americans had such little taste! And many of you have sent this to me and I’m sure you’ve seen it all over the internets anywhoitz, but here u goes: Lohan Got Some Big Ole Tittties (NSFW).

– Lisa Marie to sell off Elvis’ name and image for around 100mil. I’ll sell my name and image for 50 bucks if anyone wants it. [via The Medicine Man]

– Paris ‘too lazy‘ to have sex.

– Albarn & Coxon perform in the same place and the same night, but not together.

– Paul Mc may use a Les Paul, be he may also use Lee’s Press On Nails too!

– Boo.

– And the first Oscar of 2005 goes to…

– After last week’s touching piece, Steve Hartman has returned to lameland. The guy is like the Jimmy Fallon of news reporting.

– Tickets already on sale for The Twin Peaks Fest. With a few weddings next summer, I may have to wait til 2006.

– The eye in the sky is a perv. [via Sistah Sistah]

– Make McDonald’s filet-o-fish right in yer own kitchen. Microwaved fish? Forking dissssssssgusting! [via Ask Yaz]

– I don’t think my sister would have been able to live in any age prior to WWI. The stench would have killed her.

– Get yer ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtrays right here! [via Popbitch]

– For the last time, I DON’T want a Redskins Christmas stocking with John Smith’s name on it. We broke up ages ago and you people juss won’t let it die.

– And to close up shoppe for the day, I juss wanna say that despite all the hotties than inhabit The O.C. and my wet dreams, me thinks me mos flavorite character and actor on the show has gots to be Caleb/Alan Dale (not this Alan Dale). The dude owns and forks everything. Plus I’d bone any of his offspring and stepchildren (and maybe him too). Not only that but he looks like the lovechild of that ultra creepy guy from Beverly Hills Cop The I and that ultra creepy German dude named Udo. Anywho, can you bee-leave C-Love/Alan to the mutter fudging D once had hair? Here’s the proof Ruth!

– Harry Pothead is too em-bare-assed of his younger self to watch the first film. I bet he prefers watching The Prisoner of Azkaban cause Hermione’s ever-developing boobs make his broom stick straight up!

– Colin Fuzzybrows did NOT bone Lohan. I’m sure that makes Disney happy since they don’t want her to get nekkid.

– Puffer face and Jacky W gone splittsville for good?

– Eagles coach Andy Reid’s rules the world and all he gets is this lousy cake?

– ‘Give me a weapon of mass affection…‘ Boy o boy indeed! [via Ceffle via Metafilter]

– Who will be Biography’s person of the year? Tune in tonight @ 8pm EST. Honestly, it should be Lohanski. No one has had a year like she has… besides me and the many nip/boob slips we’ve seen.

– The Ring Two looks like a major boo. This just in, scissors AREN’T scary!

– Wanna dress like Ali G? Ya missed yer chances!

– Here be some vids to pass the time: Mariko Takahashi’s Fitness Video and Ouch. [via Del Roachclip]

– And yes, someone out there actually wasted their time creating a url dissing Gizmoduck.

– The O.C. juss upped the ante on its own uber-hotness: Marissa Barfon to embark on a thespian lesbian relationship with poor man’s Jenna Jameson/Seth’s crush, Olivia Wilde!!!! Good, maybe after the donuts bounce a few times, Jenna J Lite will get run over by a bus or get shot by the manager of The Arcade Fire at the Bait Shop! [via Seeking Iron-E]

– Speaking of slurping tuna tacos… Ellen DeGeneres has stolen Ringo Starr’s step-daughter’s lesbian lover! And for good reason, it’s Portia de Rossi!

– Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan banging? Their children would have the creamiest of thighs and the nastiest of eyebrows.

– Google now has the ability to read your mind! [via Cubicle Hater]

– I thought I’d never live to see the day that Blockbuster dumps its late fees!

– Man breaks marathon record… on a treadmill! [via Mr Poon]

– Practice saying this before you order one: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. [via the Erect Donkeys]

– X-Entertainment supplies grrrrrreat holiday adverts of ye olden thymes.

– Take your magnifying glass, and go burn stuff up! Sounds like a bad Limp Bizkit song, eh? [via Ciffle Ceffle Caviffle]

– On January 5th at the Museum del Moving Image, there will be a special screening of A Very Long Engagement, followed by a discussion with its director, Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie, City of Lost Children). Call (718) 784-4520 for tickets ($18 public/$12 Museum members).

– Michelle’s franztastic review of last week’s ep of Desperate Housewives reminds me how lazy I’ve become. Anyone yearn for the days when I’d write 4 billion trillion (+ or – a trillion) words about Webster and Vanilla Ice instead of microwaved tunafish?

– Wanna be a Green Bay Packer shareholder? Well, yer probably too late, but here’s the history of it.

– Surgeons remove 90 metal objects, including keys, screw drivers, and nails, from a 22-year-old’s stomach!

– And since there hasn’t been any Cuthy Cuthbertenson news for ages, I’m going to make some up: Cuthbert Admits That She Loves Thigh Master More Than Corn AND PORN!

– The Pixies definitely rock, but they are so borrrrrrrrring in concert. The fake trees they have holding the lights have more stage presence than they do. At least I still have the fond memories of their Coahcella performance… when I downed 15 chocolate-covered-frozen-banananananas.

– I’m back rockin Atkins and losing weight, so therefore I eat more MacDougals than Morgan Spurlock. Last nite after demolishing 3 double cheeseburgers, Megbot and I wondered what the buns tasted like without the meat. We tooks some bites (but no swallows) and they still taste just like a McDonald’s burger. And I thinks to meself, what a wonderful world.

– The biggest hit at the Thigh Master’s family Channanaunaukah brunch besides the Latkes had to be Cat Butt Gum. Nothing sez Judaism more than chewable felines’ anus. Anywho, Mumsy seemed to enjoy the lil thangs I got for her, and hopefully popsy will have the nerve to rock his Manischewitz® tee in public. On the receiving end, me was pretty happy to getz a new pair of 180s ear muffs and the $40 A Day book. Think these gifts blow? Oh yeah, well Hannaunankah does too! At least le fam del Thigh Master are Jamaica bound and gagged in a couple o weeks time! Thank Gawd AND the Maccabees!!

– The Golden Globes, the mostest pointless awardses, have announced their nominations. Still, it is a nice to see someone recognize the amazingness that is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

– A baby is born with no face (pussies need not click). [via Victor Newborski]

– Andy Rooney: CBS News Anchor?

– This guy can’t be fo real. [via Z de la R]

– Last minute holiday shopping: Rocky statue or some Star Wars locks of hair. [via the I-Train]

– Carl’s Jr to add a hamburger w/fried egg to their breakfast line-up. Will the bigger guns follow suit? But more importantly, when will MacDougal’s start selling their hash browns all day? [via Made of Brawnsteeee]

– And the breastest headline I’ve read in awhile be: Lindsay Lohan’s Huge Thighs Are Responsible For Her Weight Loss! Huge are not, in her thighs, we lust!!

– Will the reel Steve Zissou please stand up. Seriously, there is a real person named Steve Zissou. And if yer last name happened to be Focker, you could have won a free vacation, aka a Focker Family Reunion, on behalf of Universal Pictures.

– Also in the world of Zissou… My attempts at finding Team Zissou Adidas kicks have hit a bump in the rhode. The Life Aquatic site’s store claims they offer said shoes, but have no more available. I have gone ahead and contacted Adidas to see if they have any, so stick around my Thighlettes!

– Did I mention that Zissou kinda sounds like Isuzu. And who the fork ever buys an Isuzu anymore? I mean, you know things are ruffer than a cats tongue when you gotta resurrect Joe Isuzu from his sarcophagus!

– One last Zissou thing… only cause I love using the word ‘Zissou’… I’m willing to give the movie another go after being disappointed by my round 1 viewing. Maybe I’m missing something or I was juss too nervous during World Premiere screening cause I thought that Scott Rudin was going to eat me or buy the rights to my next bowel movement.

Non-Zissou related items start… NOW!!!

– Jeopardy!‘s ratings plummet without Ken Jennings. DUH! Good, cause us Trebek groupies don’t want you watching our umcredible show anymore anywayz anyhow anywho anywhere anythat anywhy and sometimes y. Switch off your brain and go back to watching Wheel of Boring.

– The monkey man himself, Ian Brown comes to town/Webster Hell on Saturday February 26. Eggspect him to throw out some Stone Roses jounks during the show. Tix are $30 and can be purchased here.

– Bored? Watch.

– Following up with a story reported months back, the Vermonster man who’s home was overran by his herd of 300 goats just won permission to move them out of the state. I guess that means the poor old man will be forced to return to the old ways of gettin his doug jolleys on: masturbatin’.

– The Pasadena City College Courier (yes, one of the finest publications in all the world) claims that Stereogum is run by man named Steve Stereogum. Thats news to me, but maybe Steve is the new Scott. Anywho, Steve has recently gone Lohan CRAZY! Guess I’m out of a job, eh?

– Well I guess not, cause you know this is still yer one stop shop for all things Her Former Royal Thighness the I. Tweaking of… LL opens up about someone more troubled than her, her father: “I love my father very much, whatever he does. I don’t respect what he’s doing, but he’s always been there for me and I love him. I don’t do drugs and don’t approve of drugs.” Pish pah sweetits! That’s not what you said when we were hitting our four foot bong and blowing lines off of prostitutes’ breasts ala RoboCop! Anwyho, she took time out of her bizzy schedule of crying over pictures of Fez and blowing lines off of prostitutes’ breasts ala RoboCop to make an appearance at Z100’s Jingle Ball. Can you bee leave she was in the same building as Fez’s new supposed love trAshlee Simpson AND rival Hilary Duff?!?!?! Now dem be some catfights people would pay per view to see!! Below is a pic I snapped of LL and her new background singers. It was DESTINY that brought them together.

more pics from Ball here