Thighs Wide Shut

– Lohan wasn’t lying on her debut LP when she said, “I’m sick of rumors startin’“. Well, now she’s out to clear up some of dem nasty rumors. First of all, she doesn’t really eat muffins contrary to popular belief. And secondly, she’s allergic to blueberries! Well I heard a rumor that she once had to have her Lohandlers beat the fork outta poor Violet Beauregarde cause her blueberryness was giving Her Former Royal Thighness rashes.

– One more Jamaica reflection: why in the hill do white people get cornrows? They look so stooopid in em. Not even Bo D could escape the oooooooglyness.

– Want some Team Zissou Adidas kicks? The closet thing yer gonna get are these homemade versions now being sold on eBay.

– Hey Garvster, how come I wasn’t included The NY Post’s list of people to watch in New York for 2005?

– Although The Ziegfeld ranked 159th in ticket sales in New York, they have no plans to close up shop, unlike the 596 other single movie theaters that have done so since 2001. Wurse cums the wurst, they could always turn it into a porn theater called the Jizzfeld.

– Sandra Buttox finally does something good.

– I disagree with the Rooney’s view on public art, but it was a hill-air-e-us way to start of ’05. (Be sure to watch the video clip instead of reading the transcript)

– Make some noise, Illy style, for The Land of Lincoln’s new state amphibian and state reptile, the Eastern tiger salamander and the painted turtle, respectively.

– Why do we call Deutschland, ‘Germany’? Who needs Clarissa, when Cecil eggsplains it all.

– Will Steak-on-a-Stick and The BagelPeach be the new Crystal Pepsi (aka the dumbestest idea since I decided to run against Mayor McCheese)? Time will tell. [via Future Brother-In-Law of yers drooly]

– What’s wrong with this (playoff) picture? All shirts and no SKINS!!

– Know that annoying ‘Pump Up The Movie’ ad that tells you to silence yer cell phones, playing in movie theaters? Well, tis gots its own a nice website. Be sure to play the ‘Cheerleader Toss’ game.

– A week too late, but take a visit to UglyChristmasLights.com

– The Yuckiest Little Miniature Golf Course in the West

– Besides a list of top flicks of 2005 that I still owe u alls, there won’t be any other look backs at ’04… until TWS.org’s one year annie verse airy this March.

– And I’m sorry, but Aishwarya Rai is mos certainly NOT the world’s most beautiful woman. That title is reserved for Her Royal Thighness, dElishious Cuthspurt. Splugebovs Squareseaman!

– SEE HER FORMER ROYAL THIGHNESS PERFORM LIVE IN TIMES SQUARE FOR MTV’S NEW YEAR’S EVE BASH! LLski will Co-Host the MTV New Year’s Eve Bash for 2005 AND perform LIVE OUTSIDE in Times Square. Wanna score free tix? Here’s the deal: u must be in NYC during New Year’s, be at least 16 years old, and email MTV.PRODUCTION.CASTING@MTVSTAFF.COM. Juss Type “LOHAN” in the subject line of your e-mail. Include: name, age, phone #, address & PICTURES (Include friend’s info as well if you want them to be considered).

– Wanna see what a real list of the best movies of 2004 looks like? Well, yer gonna have to wait until 2005 for mine, but peep Film Comment’s in the greenwich mean time. [via Big Bad Bogsworth]

– Wonder what Paris Hilton gives her friends for their b-days? Well, she gave her House of Wax (should be renamed House of Les Hotties) co-star Cuthy Cuthbertonson a bottle of her perfume and a signed copy of her book.

– Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas. [via Potbelly Eater #1]

– Homer Simpson to be killed and Ricky G/David Brent to pen an episode. Maybe there’s still hope for the show. [via Fiddle Faddle]

– Bjork gets soaked in ice water. That’s hot and I’m all wet meself just thinking about it.

– Cecil tackles the age ole question Was the swastika actually an old Native American symbol?

– The kiddies over at Double Viking are giving yer humble mumbler, the Thigh Master, a run for his money on movie reviews. Czech out their take on Almodovar’s Bad Education.

– Blockbuster’s online DVD service dropped its price to $14.99 for a full year. Netflix has no plan to match that price. Not only that, but this dude thinks in 2005 or 6, the two companies will merge. [all via Hacking Netflix]

– Arafat secretly funneled money into Bowlmor Lanes and now the company wants to return all the invested monies. Either way, this gives me a great eggscuse to never go there again. I mean, they charge and arm and a leg and a penis for bowling AND shoes and yet they don’t even oil their frigadero lanes!!

– I’ve heard of camel toe, but Jamal toe?

– Air Passenger Gets Hefty Fine For Attempting To Smuggle Salami In Luggage. [via Sister Thighs]

– Could this 80’s kid show featuring rainbows, playing with yer friend balls, and playing with a girl’s maracas be for real? You be the judge. [via Mustard King of Cleveland]

– And me juss wanna pass along a huge Merry 2,004th b-day to Jesus. Thanks for making all of the world’s athletes that much better. And on the 7th day, yer daddy created Cuthbert…

– Osama bin Laden & Lindsay Lohan are the newly crowned Mr & Mrs Naughty 2004. Does this have anything to do with her love for Wendy’s drive thru? Ahhhhh, a girl after my own heart… and farts. [last via The Fiddler]

– I can’t stand Shia Le Blowsgoats, mainly cause he looks like a poophead, but I do love the name of this fansite: Shia LaBeouf Cake!

– Still shopping for gifts? Fark to the rescue!

– If you didn’t catch SNL‘s chill-air-e-us ‘Blue State Christmas Stop Motion Eggstravaganzazaza’, Norm posted it here.

– Mike Nichols directs David Hyde Pierce, Tim Curry, and Hank Azaria in the stage production of Monty Python’s SpamAlot. Is this enuff to lure me into the theater? Er, probably not.

– Harry Potter the VI goes on sale July 16th.

– How can this Phantom of the Opera flick be any good? Look at who’s involved: Joel ‘George Hamilton tanning school grad’ Suckmaker, Emily ‘I’m a scary and boring looking doll’ Rossum, and Andrew Lllloyd Groper.

– Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video, Lego stizz-yle. Juss remember, the song doesn’t start right away. [via Pak-Man]

– Ramsey to be Skins ’05 starting QB. Why bother talking bout ’05 when the Skins are still playoff bound in ’04? Well, a boy can dream, can’t he? UPDATE: Here’s what needs to happen for the Skins to sneak in…

– And will Slovakians be able to control themselves at their local cinametoriaiums when they peep Her Royal Thighness The II’s scrum-deli-umptious body in Sexbomba Odvedľa?

– Carmen Sandiego is on the loose again, and this time she stole part of Ricky Williams’ beard!! Cue Rockapella theme song and go get ’em gumshoes!

– Can someone please tell my why Time Magazine selects a Person of The Year and not Man of The Year? Don’t get me wrong, I aint no sexist, cause I love nothing more than women and their thighs, but ‘Person’ juss sounds plain redonkeylous.

– Del Skins are somehow still in the thick of things for that final and pathetic Wild Card spot in the NFC.

– Tis official, that massive Coachella 2005 line-up, pure hogwash. What the fork is hogwash any way? Dirty bacon water? Someone please eggsplain.

– I have a bad feeling about Field Day Fest 2005… hispecially if someone named Blum Bump is involved.

– Due to popular de man, the Arcade Fire’s Feb 1st Bowery show has been moved to Webster Hall. Additional tickets go on sale Monday @ noon here.

– Good Charlotte singer refuses to give Lohan’s brother an autograph until she apologized to Hilary Duff for being such a bizatch and making more money than her.

– Ever wanted to see Tonya from Real World: Chitown in her birthday suit? Now be yer chance! [NSFWness via Zachk del Roachclip & H-Lister]

– Gorillaz.com, back in bidness!

– The video for the Chemical Brothers’ latest tune, ‘Galvanize’, featuring Q-Tip, can be found here.

– People in France lover octopussessyses, hate McDonalds.

– Cure for snoring found! That’s good news to anyone sleeping next to me… which would be NOBODY! Don’t cry for me, I’m asexual, with a fetish for creamy female thighs.

– Some dude gets interviewed, pukes on desk. [via The Hater of Cubes]

– And finally, here’s a picture of my face doing crazy things, during happier times, when a Polish girl gave me like 15 free Miller Lites, and my fantasy football squads were actually scoring points and not shitting the bed. Thanks Peyton, you deserved to be booed.