Thighs Wide Shut

• While I was ruth buzzi stalking Jimmy Smits, and Jimmy Smits was busy philipps stalking America (dude was EVERYWHERE, from Live8, to my sis’ wedding, to A Capitol 4th, to reruns of that great SNL skit where everyone was over-pronouncing words of hispanic origin in his presence), the globe continued to spin. Kobayashi underperformed, yet walked away with his 5th straight Mustard Belt at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Hank Stram, a man with a whorrible hair piece, but who always looked kewl on NFL Filmstock, peaced le fork out, and 7-11 officially opened for bidness in Mannyhattan.

[photoe via Chillary G]

• Da Ali G Show: Da Compleet Second Seazon will FRYNALLY be released on DVD, September 13th. Somehow it won’t be the same when he refers to MLK Jr as Martin Luther Vandross.

• We now have visual evidence that proves Tom Hanks was a poor choice for da Da Vinci Code mooovie.

• Lohag needs to stop playing truth or dare

• Bloc Party have recorded 2 new songs. And with that, the masturbation rate has jumped 63% amongst the hipsters and bloggers phylum.

• Mblem, aka FMMBMM: clothes For Mandy Moore, By Mandy Moore [via the Doug Fluter]

• Live in Chi-town? Lucky bastards, cause u can eat Lou Mal’s whenever u please and now you have the special op to check out 13 of Kubrick’s joints as part of a month-long retrospective at the Gene Siskel Film Center. I waited ages to see my last Kubrick film, Barry Lyndon, on the big screen, and it was an effin magical eggspearance. So if you haven’t explored his works cause either u have no taste or are a complete idjiot, now’s yer effin chance. I mean, what else you gonna do, go to Lollapalooza?

• Coldplay hates Chardonnay, but loves them some dark cotton socks!

• Commercial that may end up being hottier than Paris’ Carl’s Jr one: Lucy Pinder & Walker’s Crisps. Note to British people: when this shiz airs, please find it for me and send it my way.

• 50 Fun Things To Do Wit Yer iPod

• My search continues for actual game cards from McDonalds’ Dick Tracy Crime Stopper Game, but this aint 1/2 bad.

• Do subliminal tapes played while you sleep really work? Cecil goes to work

• Florida Man Arrested After Leaving Marijuana As Tip For Coffee [via Steve Bartman Hater #1]

• Polaroid-o-nizer

• Phallic Logo Awards [via Brock Lee]

• North Korean Bodyguard [vid via Itzr Mr Authoring Machine]

• Some are claiming that the big news on Wednesday will be the naming of the host city for the 2012 Summer Games (not to b confused with the hit game by Epyx in the 80s). [Be sure to check out The Chad’s handicapping of the field of five] Well, the nations of the world, in ca-hootz with the Peoples Republic of Thighland, would like you to think just that. You see, all that flubb-bubb and hubb-bubb is all juss smoke and cocaine mirrors for the real news that will send the AP wires haywire: the selection of Her Royal Thighness The IIIrd. Yes, a timetable has been set and we’re sticking to it. And I think the selection will turn some (penis) heads. In the meantime (not to be confused with that one decent Helmet album), as I help her back her bags and tea bag the hell outta her for the last time, I leave you with the single greatest snap-ple of Cuthbest I have ever laid thighs on.

[want more from the clizz-as-sack collection?]

Today is a day filled with mixed emotions. While we were sadly handed a double scoopage of Peace The Fork Out™©®, by way of Four Tops founder Renaldo “Obie” Benson and the man who invented the bacon cheeseburger served on a Krispy Kreme doughnut bun, Luther Vandross, we still have to keep our chin up and our thighs open. First off, schlappy 19th B-Day wishes go out to Her Former Royal Thighness the I, Lindsaysaysay Lohag. Sure we’ve had our irreconcilable differences, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about the yummy days, when you were plumpers McGee. Secondoff, peep this fab line-up for this year’s CMJ-A-Thing [via Vegan Jones]!!! And lastoff/blastoff, yesterday was a landmark day in the Kingdumb of Thighs. I don’t know who the fork you people are or why the hell you come here (besides those sleuthing for the ‘jhoon rhee commercial‘ OR ‘van dame dakota‘), but yesterday we somehow passed our 1,000,000th customer mark, according to SiteMeter!!!! And in celebration, I am giving you all* off Monday from work.

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• Things are gettin a bit hectic like General Electric in the race for the soon to be vacant throne. Pinder’s been grabinin other chick’s boobs [sorta semi NSFW], Harley Quinn’s been transforminin into a real person, Mischa’s been wearinin less clothes than she has pounds, Albanski’s been crossinin her arms way too much, yuMM’s been cuddlinin with ma and dawgs, Padme’s been screaminin more than when she was preggers, Sharapova’s been fondleinin balls, and Cuthabovetherest has been launchinin a massive counter-offensive of over eggsposeher to win the hearts of the peoples and stay in power. I’ve never felt so wanted. Cept when I signed up for Columbia House six times over, never paid em a dime (just that one tapped penny), and their collector’s were following me around the globe from Ocean City, NJ, to Ocean City, MD. When will the madness end in my house? And when will I hear Madness’ ‘Our House’ [d-lode] on my shores? Oh yeah, probably this fall.

• Lindsay Lohag’s taste in music is 55% gag me with a spork, 33% rad, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

• Bob Geldof dropped from his own event

• It (muss) Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold them Back… from releasing more albums with catchy names that no one will buy.

Cuthbert-Camilla flick, The Quiet, gets its world splurtmear at this year’s Torononototo Film Fest. I’ve already booked my flight and put an order in for 23 boxes of Kleenex and 12 bottles of Jergens.

• The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Lemme take a bite of the peach.

• Love Page Six, but don’t feel like registirrin in order to read it on the interwebs? Me too. So many spanks to PG6 for doing all the work for us. Please do not confuse this site with PerezHilton.com, formerly PageSixSixSix.blogspot.com, but not to be confused with PageSixSixSix.com, PaigeSix.blogspot.com, PageSix.blogspot.com, PageFive.blogspot.com, PageThree.blogspot.com, PageThree.com [NSFW], ESPN.com Page 3, or GI Joe hero Deep Six. [1st link via Ms Ism]

• Stella needs a new groove to get her old one back. While it may be awhile before her next ménage e trois, Stella can suck on some Artois.

• Despite Mischa’s hotness, monkey, and milk, no one wants to buy Keds.

• One thing that could possibly get me to watch the NBA: the 7-years too late debut of ex-Terpie Sarunas Yesamadcabbages

• Keira Knightley and a visibly upset man in a yellow polo

• AMC Theatres theythinks you’ll love Cinderella Man so dang much that they’re offering a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE. More info here.

• My new job is located in the gravyest of gravy area. Willem Dafoe walks down the street in peace, there are 5 places that vend baked carb yummies in my building alone, and the beloved highline lines the skies. I’ve never had the pleasure of exploring the high line, but that all will change very soon. Before they make it all neo-crazy-sexy-cool, I want to eggspearance it in its current dilapidated form. Thanks to Verbose Coma, this will be my guide.

• What Ken Jennings watches

• Mexican Stamp Called Offensive To Blacks [via The Real Jonah]

• Boffins Create Zombie Dogs. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. [via Red Hot Core-Vette]

• This may be a repost, BUTT… Today’s Front Pages

• Alex Feingold and his whoreibble taste in animated gifs

• York, PA, the ‘Factory Tour Capital of the World’! With 5 of these tours focusing on potato chip or pretzel manufacturing (Utz being #1 in both categories), they may want to change their motto to ‘Crumbiest Place On Earth’!

• Q: What’s hottier than being a photographer who gets paid to shoot at Sharapova’s lower half (as seen on your left)? A: My tomato red face and neck after schlepping round newly married el Hofbergo thru three boroughs from sunup til sundown this past Saturday. The day started with a jaunt to Coney Island, for some Cyclone action, batting cages hits and misses, Nathan’s diarrhea-inudicng-bacon-cheese fries, and to see what all this Mermaid Parade hubbub was all about. Fitting that this year’s king was Buster Poindexter, cause sh%t was more hot than Pat O’Brien singing ‘Hot, Hot, Hot‘. And by hot, I’m talking about the weather, and not what turned out to be one of the most pointless parades I’ve ever attended. And like most parades that don’t feature Shriners in go-karts, there were plenty of titties grossier than Tara Reid’s and more reasons why nearly nekkid men are never a good thing to be near [for full pictorial, see end of this mammoth paragraph]. After being blinded by all of dem flabby yammy yam-yams and being turned into a raisinet in the sun, it was thyme to ride the N train from its starting point to its second to last stop in Astoria, Queens. What could be worth taking a train that long if you aren’t a member of The Warriors? The not-so-best-kept secret in all of NYC: The Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden. A couple o’ $12 pitchers of Spatan, kielbasas, and cup cakes from someone’s baby shower later, I was ready to throw up on myself, but remembered that I would rather my skin be ruby red than Oompa-Loompa-Lohan-orange. Later we shuffled off to the Bowery B-bestroom, via a few Hades Sweatfest ’05 Subway Platforms, to czech out the not so-feisty Feist. Her gentle jams and sweet Beth Ortonesque voice made for the least rockiniest show I’ve seen at the Bowery, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes Thigh Master needs to take a break from all this re-tread British music and sway to slower sounds, like that of Natalie Merchant, Edie Brickell, Mazzy Star, et al. Anywhom Feist is great music to have on in the background. Maybe while doing your taxes, fixing dinner, or banging your spouse. Note to record execs: if she ever started a fan club, you have to call it Feist Club. You figure out with the first rule is, cause I juss come up with the puntastic concepts. It was late, and my thighs were hurting from all the Mary chafing Carpenter. We quickly puffed some apple tabac at the Ruby Lounge, shoved some Rosario’s pizza pie down our pie holes, and returned to Thighland, so we could tuck in my dearest adopted Van Dame, Dakota Fanning, into bed for the evening. I was so spankin outive it that Dakota Fanbelt should tucked my a$$ to bed. Oddly enuff, Dakota didn’t want to come with us to Coney Isle cause she said it could never compare to the time she spent there with her annoying nanny.

• Slappy B-day to the first product with a bar code, a 10-pack of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit chewing gum, that was scanned at a check-out counter, at a Marsh supermarket in Troy, Ohio. In honor of this special day, d-lode: ‘Chewing Gum‘ by Annie

• Want more lodes in yer lobes? Taste Keane tacklin’ of U2’s ‘With or Without You’ [not a direct d-lode], Paul Van Dyk’s’Nothing But You‘, Faithless’eses ‘Insomnia‘ and a remix of Travis’ ‘Re-Offender‘ [via Fakor]

• Spicoli to play the Joker?

• Looking for Lohag? Head to St. Paul. Looking for Cuthbest? Head to Moscow. Looking for Mr Goodbar? Click here.

• Wanna see under the radar uber-hottie Rosamund Pike nude? Too late, cause that era has cum and gone. But you can look at these snaps of her pretending to bang Remington Steele!

• The trailer for Episode III that Lucas didn’t want you to see… complete with all the cut Jar Jar dialog bits. [via FlakMag]

• Girl I want: Girl In The Cafe

• Bionic Man Moves Artificial Arm With Brain, wit pics AND vid! [via Cruisespanko]

• Sometimes I wish I was an adult small

• Oldies but yummies: Fractured GI Joe PSAs

• Those aren’t two pillows… they’re Sharapova Breast Pillows?!?!?!? [much WTFness via H-Listing]

• And whilst me and the delegates of the Continental Thighness are more busy than Philipps deciding on the IIIrd Her Royal (cept we can never get anything done cause Sio keeps saying that everything’s an ‘invasion’), I’ve let Dakotapaint play with some of my old mos flavorite toys. She didn’t shine to my Lite Brite, Presto Magix, or Shrinky Dinks, but seemed to dig my Playmobil pals. I knew she was the best living female actress on planet girth, but who knew she had such great taste? Too bad parents today need to take out a 2nd mortgage on their homes just to pay for these very eggceptional and very eggspensive toys. Bi they gay, here’s another good place for Playmobil memories.

• Do I think that Junior Senior is dynamite? Yes, and I think they’re outta sight, as well. Sure, they name check themselves more than Ice-T’s rock outfit Body Count did, but after catching their blitzkrieg of toe-tappin’n, head-bobbin’n, and outrageous funin’n at the Mercury Lounge last night, I’m ready to elevate these crizz-azzy-arsed Danes into my inner circle of most flavorite current bands (alongside Air, Blur, Fiery Furnaces, and LCD Soundsystem R.E.M.). As usual, I was late to the party with these bob fellers. I had heard the awesomeness of ‘Move Your Feet‘ [d-lode], but had no idea who the fork sang it til I saw their debut, D-D-Don’t Don’t Stop the Beat, grace Ms Mod’s Best of ’03 list. Since I trust her more than internets inventors, duhvs course I was gonna buy the dang thing and fall in love with it instantly, like when I first eyed dearest Cuthbest, who was playing chess with her father Jack, sometime between 12:00 A.M.-1:00 A.M.. Moral of that aside? Buy the album and shake yer friggin coconuts. Wrap-up of the show? The sound board dude refused to give me the set list, but they played 4 new songs, which all sound like good things to come. Plus, Senior (the Senior of Junior Senior) could be the coolest guy on earth. He looks like the love child of Josh Homme, D-Day from Animal House, and Rip Taylor, AND has more energy than Howlin’ Pelle Almqvist AND ConEd combined. These guys are so fun in concert that if I had a son and he was 13, they’d be playing his Bar Mitzvah. It would make for a night more dynamite than this so-called ‘Junior Senior Dynamite Nite’‘.

• Another sign football is round the corner: bore-fessional basketball’s season is over.

• a-ha to play its first US show since ROCKTOBER OF ’86!!! The lucky place? Irving Platz, in NYCyou there! The better play a 90-minute version of ‘Take On Me’.

• Zissou crewman, Bowie enthusiast, and all-around knockout, Seu Jorge returns to America this Zeptember for a lil tourski. He’ll chip in 2 shows at Bowery Bestroom. [via Aeki T]

• Trend of the week: overeggsposed young hotties’ uncles. They should count their lucky stars their uncles aint wicked.

• Lohag removed from Herbie posters. Now if we could only wave the magic wand and remove her from the media spotlight.

• Here’s a teaser for premiere of the King Kong trailer.

• Terrible: Land of the Dead review, by Gene Siskel [scroll down a bit]

• One man’s search for Kubrick’s Overlook Hotel [via 5 Things via Double Vikers]

• ‘Antonio said I looked like a monster.’

• Seen Bandwagon Boy’s Friendster profile? Probably not since me and my man Marv make up 25% of his friends.

• The 00s are a lot like the 70s, cept people were more nekkid, more famous, and more hairier back then. [ideas and links via Veganese]

• And we’ll spank it like it was 1979

• Is it me, or is Chris Evans wearing novelty glasses?

• And what’s all this buzz I hear about DiCaprio taking over for Arnie in Terminator 4? Maybe this time around he’ll kill Claire Danes instead of henry kissing her.