Thighs Wide Shut

[via Citynoise]
And it opened up my mind

but lest we forget

A communications disruption
can only mean one thing…

William Fichtner and his 4xforehead

have invaded
ABC’s
INVASION

and

for all you
Travis Bickles
John Hinckleys
and
Don Rickleses
out there
it’s safe to pull down yer pants
and think dirty thoughts about
Hillary Duff
& her muff

cause they be both now be 18 now
[pointed out by Dr Falada]

for
LOHAG
LOHAN
HFRT the I

wonder if the pubes
were dyed back too?
on the other hand, while ginger tatty has gone all thin and lizzy…
…the lil one has gone all Gotti, and lookin like a sweaty Adam Sandler with a wig that only hookers wear in movies

• Me and my new name Gavin agree, we’re in it for the BOOOBS

• Only 10 mo days until we have a new crop of zany ‘stache and ‘ard snaps

• Only 4 more days until Winnie Cooper saves the world

• The US version of The Office, possibly the biggest sirprize bestness of since Baked Cheetos

• Keane the band, Keane the movie, Keane the bidness, Keane the sean, and Keane the toonist of zzzzzzz

• Grambo, alive and ready to pounce on Roll Bounce

• The return of the SI Cover Jinx

• #52 on the List of Things Never To Do: rape a girl in South Africa wearing a Rapex female condom-like device [via Laing Sack of Shit]

• How did the tradition of giving a “key to the city” originate?

• TWS.org, yer #1 result when intersleuthing for video of ‘football lesbians’

• Is that really a cloud?

• When life hands you shitty QBs, make shitty QBsade. Fluke or not, Gibbs is still lord and Kornheiser’s almost about ready to start up the bandwagon again.

[More from our Holiday at Rehomo Beach, DE here]
• The OC’s new chief resident jackass, Dean Hess, is secretly an Aryan clone of Hitler ready to make things Reich. He may juss end up with Julie Cooper Nichols and then she’ll become Julie Cooper Nichols Hess Atia of the Ju-Ju Bees. BONUS: forgot to TiVo the ep? Catch-up here

• Mischa Mishka thanks her mum (not JCNH) for her style, but has yet to give up any kinda gratitude to sibling Falkor, who help pave the way to success in Hollywood for all the luck dragons of our world.

• Renée Smellweger’s marriage has apparently turned more sour than her ‘I suck on 15 lemons per minute’ face. Too bad she can’t rekindle with Jack White since he’s moved on to redder pastures. And too bad this may happen

• Ringo’s birthplace is to be demolished cause it has ‘no historical significance’. Forget about the past and all your sorrow/The future won’t last/It will soon be your tomorrow

• Lohag’s funbags Lohan’s eyebags ‘removed in editing suite’

• Call me when they go to eleven [via Poon]

• Bill Gates Meets Napoleon Dynamite

• Siskel & Ebert (& Roepers)’s Top Ten Bestest of the Year Lists from the 69 to the 04

• Poop poops CMJ Awards outta his poophole

• Captain O aint no hero of mine

• Google Betas a Blog Search Engine, but why search when you can find everything you’d ever want right here

• Why is gas priced to nine-tenths of a cent?

• Why do photographers ask you to say “cheese”?

• Rear Of The Year

• Porn Star or Pop Star

• De’Cody comes from a long line of fags [via Wrigley Fielder]

• Mad phat rhymes + Legend of Zelda = this [via K-Paxman]

• The Martha Dumptruck/Andy Milonakis Conspiracy

• Bid on The Ultimate Hippie Vacation [via Z de la R]

• And how could I forget to mention the peace de la forging out of the great Robert Wise. If you don’t know who I speak of, you better wise up you wisenheimer!!! Not only was he the pimp behind the wheels and 2-time Oscar winner (4 overall) for The Sound of Music and West Side Story, but also was the shrimp behind the pimp behind Citizen Kane (aka, he edited what is considered the greatest flick of them all), and for trivia purposes, was the last crew member to die… although cast member Sonny Bupp, who played Kane’s young son, Charles Foster Kane III, is still alive and kickin’, making him the ONLY living person associated with Kane alive. We’ll miss you Robbie… and we’ll freeze you Sonny.

PS – I think something happened to Britney recently, or something, but WHO CARES?!?!

PS2 –

PS 69 –

PS M’YES! – Is there any possible way that The Quiet won’t eventually break the pause and A-B repeat buttons on my DVD player? I guess we’ll have to wait awhile to find out the answer to that chilling query, but in the greenwhich meantime, these will suffice…

The greatest sorority known to man, Catherine Omega-Mu-Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur, and I hath so much in common. We both are T-Mobile whores, we both can do this with our a$$es, and we both love fellow Welshie and current Her Royal Thighness the BREASTEST, Charly Church. Zeta-Tomata hearts her so much that she’s eager to enlist her in her directorial debut of Dylan Thomas’ Under Milk Wood, which was first brought to screen back in 72. Des problem is that she’s so dang worried that leaving for LA LA land will hurt her relationship with current beau and rugby hunk Gavin Henson. Did I mention that I changed my named to Gavin and no one could touch me at Sega Genesis’ Rugby World Cup 95? I say go for it CC the IV!! Hollywurst needs more large breastest Welsh beauties. Just stay away from Michael Douglas, and Louis Farrakhan, who’s speaking at you.

• Faux-gayers t.A.T.u. will be faux-gaying it up at the UK Club G-A-Y this Saturdgay. That’s more gay that sipping Earl Gay Tea with yer pinky sticking out.

• Although she’s now #2321183thrdieth in my heart, Showerpoopa troopa has regained the #1 ranking in tennis. TALK ABOUT REBOUNDIN’!!

• In balls related news: “I love baseballs, do you love the baseballs?“

• In more Borat related news: the following bestness was released in stores yesterday. Gobble gizzile it up peeps… although I’m going the cheap route and waiting for it to match the price I set using Half.com‘s blesseded Wish List

• Back to more hairy balls situation news: Patrick Ramsey should start auctioning off his pubes on eBay cause Brunell will be named Comeback Player of the Year after the Skins go 16-0.

• In one last ball related things: I don’t know jack scalia about Tim McGraw, but his Monday Night Football halftime highlight recap country rhyme-e-shiz was the biggest lode of crap I’ve seen since this

• Andy Rooney may hates a lot of things, but the ‘browmiester surely hearts New Orleans

• SNL needs to stop adding ‘new faces‘ and needs to starts adding ‘new writers’. Or at least send Horatio Sanz packing… on Horatio Hornblower’s first ship outttttttta here

• Is it deja vu or deja boo that the day I lament briefly about Can’t Buy Me Lover Amanda Peterson (but more so about Ami DoleHOTfRUITenz) that someone goes and wonders the same dang thing? I dunno, but in Ami Dolenzerzz related stizz, I want to invent a machine that turns me into Jerry Trimble

• Lynch poo-poos any new Twin Peaks woo-whoness

• I knew Steven Loserbergh was well on his way to killing cinema (ever see Full Frontal? good, so DON’T), but this whole releasing a movie in theaters, DVD, and TV on the SAME DAY is wurstest call since Neville Chamberlain was elected Prime Minister. Peace in our time my a$$!!

• Kubie giving Jack the nod as Napoleon woulda been DYNO-MITE!

• I love Supergrass’ new ditty St Petersburg [video]. I also love that Gaz Combes and Jack Black look sorta similar with beards. And oh, I LOVE mustaches!!

• Pete Tong spankfully returns with a 2-Disc Essential Selection set soon. Trackilisting here

• One of the mos whocares editions of Then & Now

• Jeopardy! contestant searches are headed for LA (DUHVS), NYC, Tampa, Seattle, and Vancouver. Signs up here

• Clear yer calendars cause the Harlem Globetrotters are invading East Rutherford in February. A wise man once wrote, ‘When life hands you Meadowlark Lemon, make Meadowlark Lemonade‘

• Rachel McAdams High School Yearbook Photo… I bet her snap was probably the 6th mos beatoffedable one from that yearbook

• Are Renton, Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy, and Begbie’s ashes really disrupting train service?

• A.C. Slater DOES Rule [via Steve Bartman Hater #6]

• Thighs Wide Open? [sorta SFW]

• Here lies the very first TWS.org Katrina-related link, and it’s amusing, not sad [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Troy’s Mixtape of Love [via Richie Richardson Loves Rice]

• And me have done some serious thinking as of late. Although I am a self-appointed ruler for life, I doubt that I’ll be able to be a Thigh Master for your kids’ kids, so I’ve decided to take on a Padawan. Sio Bibble knows that this could mean only one thing: INVASION!!

J-Rice
Bids the busted a$$ Broncos
and the NFL
A long overdue
Adieu-doo-doo
boo-hoo!

Plain vanilla and pimple simple, he was the greatest WR to ever play the game (although my boy Art Monk is still #1 in my heart). He holds 38 NFL records, appeared in Necessary Roughness, and never seemed to age. Back in the day, he was probably a Fantasy Fooball dynamo, but for the last few years, he was juss another dude who hung out on yer bench alongside such trash as James Thrash, Nick Goings, and Neil Rackers. Sad shiz, but ya gotta give the fella credit for never quitting. You will be missed Jerry.

• Related: Why is Rice-A-Roni called “The San Francisco Treat”?

• Word has it that Rachael Ray in engaged. No links could be found to support this, but I bet the couple’s honeymoon days will have a food budget of $40.

• What’s up with all the pointless f#&king scenes on Ep 2 of Rome? Bring back the unshaved heaven of Ep 1!!! Pe es- if you didn’t know, the dude who plays Lucius Vorenus, played Tommy in Trainspotting. I felt so bad for Tommy Boy cause Rents stole his homemade porno flick which in turn got him dumped which in turn got him hooked on smack which in turn got him some AIDS which in turn got him six feet fumunda my nuts to the grave. Btw, Lucius will appear alongside my man main Rhys Ifans in the new Silence of the Lambs prequel that isn’t Manhunter or Red Dragon, which I almost forgot ever eggsisted.

• What’s up wit dat season finale of Entourage? Could things be tied up any more perfectly? Maybe they should have put a big red ribbon and bow on the closing credits. We the nia peoples demand cliffhangers, like Saigon capping Turtle or Drama getting the role of Aquaman in a rival film directed by Brett Ratner or E being exposed as Huey, Dewey, and Louie’s long last brother. Seriously, he’s a duck.

• This is Craig of The List.org fame

• Brown poo-poos a Second Coming

• Could the next Bond be a bit Turkish?

• The Kid Stays Out of the Picture starring Charly Church’s Pa

• Looking to stalk Lohag The Wurstest The I? Here’s yer 1st clue. Now go getum gumshoes!

• Looking for a snap of Lohag The Wurstest The I snogging Trashee Simpleton? Here’s yer 1st link. Now go get lost you cumrags!

• Looking for some lez ghetro clothing to match yer Agassi Air Tech Challenge IIs? Here’s yer French open invitation. Now go game set matchum you Michael Chang-Gang-Bangers and mashers!

• Definition of miscasting: Frodo as Iggy [via Pinky]

• It’s 1995 all over again as Damon Albarn and (different) co beats out The Brothers Eyebrows to the top slot of the UK singles charts.

• Norman Chad chooses his 2005 team of destiny. Pay the man Shirley.

• Shea Stadium should grace the bottom of every list [via Poon Tang Clan]

• Melinda Clarke scares me

• Live in Boston and live for Kubrick? Yer in luck

• Tore My Anus covers ‘Karma Police’

• The world’s wurstest tATu parody of all thymes and Randy Hymes can be found here

• Jayne Mansfield – A Mountain of a Woman (x72)

• Fiddler’s three word title on his latest post is more genius than Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius

• Easiest way to get to A to Zed in NYC (and now Boston and DC in Beta versions): HopStop.com

• Can someone lend me 2+ grand so I can mcnabb a Bob Ross original?

• Watch 8 eps of the Cpt Lou Albano TV vehicle Super Mario Bros + other gunk [via I Can’t Do That Dave Bowman]

• Hitachi Animated Craponastick: the official end of ‘bling’ [via Crusiespanko]

• But that’s almost passable compared to this dreadful Sugar Rayish white guy rapping about buying the world a Coke. I wish I could hire Mr Freeze and make this guy chill the fork out! Where’s Jack White’s ditty to save us from rehash hell?

• And whilst we on the tropic of Coke ads… a swhile back we made public love to Nicole ‘Sid’ Vicius after peeping Last Days (very bottom), and someone spunkfully noted in les comments section that Ms Vicius is in fact the Rollergirl of the’Starry Eyed Surprise’ ad. Hopefully her career won’t take the path of Rollergirl #1 [NSFW]… unless of course it includes gettin nekkid in every 3rd movie. Man, I think I’m seeing stars… and more snaps of Heather Graham’s b-day suit [NSFW pt II]!!