Thighs Wide Shut

DEAD

Jack Wild
aka the one and only
Artful Dodger

1952 – 2006

Out of all the Peace The Fork Outs this one hurts the most (had TWS.org been around in ’99, Kubrick woulda been #1 in hurtsing). Cause you see, when I was a wee TM taking BMs in my pants, for some odd reason, I was crazily obssssssessed with the movie musical Oliver!, and in particular with the lil mouthy pickpocket with an adjective for a first name and a baseball team for a surname. All I wanted to do in life, besides pick my nose and watch Duck Tales, was to hang out with A Dodge. He seemed so cool, and he was juss so darn adorable. I know that sounds gay, but I am 1/16th gaylick. And on this day, I think of my poor mother, who had to keep re-renting the VHS tape from Erols (a DC area local ghetto video rental store), and who had to listen to the soundtrack ad infinitum while driving me to and afro. Jack went on to do other shiz, like H.R. Pufnstuf, but I never watched any of it. Probably cause I didn’t think to, or subconsiously, I didn’t want to see him in another role that didn’t include a top hat and a blue coat. Peace the fork out lil buddy. And a big effin middle finger bang up the butty of Grampa Joe (Jack AssAlbertson), who wrogfully beat out Jacky W for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar at the ’69 Academy Awards.

Give listenage to the following artful Jack Wild tunes from Oliver!, which in my opinion, is and will always be the single greatest movie musical of balls thyme

‘Consider Yourself’ [d-lode]
‘I’d Do Anything’ [d-lode]

Wot?
Fisticuffs?

Life No S’mores

4
the

space tupperware ownin’
blue milk drinkin’

Aunt Beru bangin’

son of Foghorn Cliegg-Horn

Uncle Owen Lars

A Long Time Ago… – 2006
[hat & penis tip to Pakula Shaker]

After an highly emotional session of Space Senate, even the butt-faced people were brought to tears. Too bad their tears are fists, and they wail by making farting noises out of their butt mouths!!

Bye, bye, Mr Tatooine Pie (aka Lars Bars!)

I always meant to ask him why he said ‘that wizard [Obi Wan] is just a crazy old man‘ instead of ‘that man is just a crazy old wizard‘. I guess he’ll carry that secret to the grave like Stanley Kubrick and his true opinion of Anthony Michael Hall. Anywayz, peace the fork out yOwens, from Tosche Station to the Zulu Nation!!

BOOOO-nus: the one-armed man has joined his other arm in haven (which is juss like heaven cept with less Ruffalo, and juss like new haven, but a bit older) [via Tastical]

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
Somewhere B’twixt A Fiesta & A Siesta
View Trailer

While many of my contemporaries are singing the praises of Three Burials like they were cleaning a church with Murphy’s Oil Soap, I have to speaks the truths like Sloth wanting Baby Ruths. Not to say that this isn’t a well directed, well acted, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well wellspring of Herman B Wells‘s offspring (whatever that means), but the movie is kinda a hyperlode (not to be confused with a hyperbole) of whatevs(not dot org). By way of the mooovie’s title, we muss gather that this Melquiades Estrada fella muss be the mos important Hispanic person since Trent Allovertheinternetagas!! Welly, welly, Tom Welling, this is all we learn about him: he’s a wetback, he gets killed, and he’s buried up to tres tiempos. And apparently he’s Tommy Lee Jones’ mejor amigo in todo el mundo!!! Yet no real deep relationship between the two is ever displayed on screen. Sure they briefly talk about stuff, like cows and Mexico, and smile at each other about stuff (maybe about cows AND Mexico), and bang white women, one who is so mad droopy ari gross that even fuglified mustachizoided Dwight Yoakam gets a ride, but you aint ever gonna picture TMJ and Milky Enchilada longing for a good ole ass-raping like Heath Gyllenhaal!! And in there lies the problem. The movie’s gravitas rests on TMJ seeking redemption for the wrongful death of his amigo, and the great lengths he goes juss to give him a proper burial. Aiiight, so the journey to his final resting place is one worth taking, but the passion and reasoning behind it all seems less weighted than Harry Reasoner eating all the fat that Carnie Wilson, Star Jones, and that fat kid from Varisty Blues shed thru that cheatin ass way. Notice that I didn’t say it was ‘well written’? Welly, well, Orson Welles, it isn’t!!! It isn’t poorly written either, so lettuce call a spade a faux Kate Spade bag and juss say it was written, but not in a nasty Nas kina way. You’ve seen better outta Tommy, but everyone’s going ga-ga cause this is his film directorial debut. I mos certainly look fwd to his next joint (as well as Michael Scott’s), but he’s gotta lot trabajoing to do to achieve the kudos reserved for his Space Cowboy amigo.

Recommended for those who like: stinking badges, Tecate as the new 40 oz salute for yer amigos who didn’t make it, and the uncredited VO work of my childhood next door neighbor

Possible Porno Name: The Three Anal-Holes of Erik Estrada

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Death Wish, revenge, served Bronson style!!

Further Fun: TLJ (Batman Forever) lost to Kevin Spacey (Se7en) for Best Villain at the 1996 MTV Movie Awards, but more importantly, at the same awards show, Smoke‘s ham & cheese sirprized everyone by winning Best Sandwich in a Movie!! + ‘como para chuparse los dedos’ is Spanish for ‘it’s finger licking good’ (that’s the only thing I learned after 2374273 years of being forced to take Spanish, besides the words for roof, ‘techo’, and light socket, ‘enchufe’)!

Apt MPupil3: ‘He Was A Friend of Mine’ by Willie Nelson [d-lode]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

So hows comes we’ves nevers seens Sarah Jessica Parkers & Mitch from Real Genius in the same bat room, at the same bat time?

You mean joe greene to tell me that telegrams hadn’t already gone the way of funny American sitcoms? And that Falkor’s sister isn’t already a US citizen? Shiz is gonna be a tuff task considering Fantasia is apart of the Axis of Evil.

A Gorillaz/Madonna penta-et (that’s like a duet, but for 5) will open the Grammys with 7 minutes of bang, and then the rest of the show will be 203 minutes of whimper. And why can’t we let Borat [vid] host everything?

Freaking of Borat Sagdiyev, sucks to be the British ambassador to Kazakhstan right about now, hispecially when you have to defend his humoristic merits of British racism to the people being racilisted against

Breastest home video news, until the announcement of the Twin Peaks season 2 discs: two-disc special editions HD DVD AND standard DVD releases Clockwork Orange, The Shining, 2001: Space Odyssey and an UN CUT VERSION of Eyes Wide Shut will be released later this year. Dats the news Ebert‘s been waiting ages for, for he’s been love jonezin for that lost ark of beatoff matz [source]

Jodie Sweetin a Meth addict? I guess someone had to buy Tical 2000 : Judgement Day [via Syntacular]

Reservations. Candlelight. Table Side Service. Valentine’s Day. White Castle?!?!!? Mankind has just jumped the shark… and I’ll see there! [via BRAWNY IFOCE FUTURE SUPER CHAMPION MAN]

You my friend, is no Alfred Hitchcock, and you my Malkovich aint no Kubrick, and Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.

Lindsay Lohan’s Lost Diary, is nothing but 347299553 pages about her being coo-coo for my huge-huge co-cock. Lettuce hope it does see the light of day, but not starring Michael J Fox or Joan Jett [via Navi the Elbirret]

Belated conflatulations to the mother of my children for her Outstanding Choreography nomination for work on a local ghetro production of Kiss of the Spider Woman [source]

MoMA’s gonna be a SCREAM come late Feb when there’s MUNCH to do about nothing

Gnarls Barkley

The commercial is still MIA, but Jhoon Rhee still fights for right. And for all the lizadies out there, this stud’s for you

[via SkunkI via the Dollar]
DAVE KRIEG RULES… in the fumbles department!! Ah, to be a Bears fan in ’96, when DK was kickin it and fumble apprentice Rashaan Salaam was his RB

AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh, HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh!

I’m an XL and my addy is:

Thigh Master
c/o Amblin Entertainment
123 Anywhere St
Thighland, Thailand Killah Hills 10304

Somesbody please take a thing and get Sean Paul’s ‘We Be Burnin’ [d-lode] straight outta my head and into my car a jar

Cool is having you sitting on my face

Awesome is when your TV sister is giving me a mustache ride… in 3+ years time

Something not to poop on: Triumph The Insult Comic Moonlighting As TV Weatherman In Hawaii

Is the saying “Beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer, never fear” physiologically accurate?

Fender to Kitty, ‘Hello!’

Wolf Howl Animal Peserve’s Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve [via Kruisemanko]

IFILM’s Viral Video’s Best of 2005’s

Thighs wide Shut

I guess I can scratch this one off for Hot Cross Buns Friday: 57 Hines Ward

Bad Candy AND Bad-Candy AND Bad Video Game Covers [via Tededore | Data Que?]

And I’ve got my mind set on [aud] replacing Coyle (the soon to be William Henry Harrison of her Her Royal Thighnesses)

But I’ve also got my mind on the Shroud of Torino Winter Olympiad, where I predict that

Michael Essany
&
Meathead’s
cousin
Jan Michaelis

is an 8pt favorite
to becoming the
2nd becoming of
Simon Ammann
Swiss Ski Jumper Hero of Swissland
(but not to be confused with Swaziland)
of the Salt Lake Games
who had the single grate-ist
celebration
of
balls
time

YA GOLD!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
!!!

[watch the vid
2mins 40secs in
for all that jazz]

PEE ES – this FRIDAY at 11:59 PM IS THE HAPSOLUTELYE FINAL DAY TO SEND IN SUBMISSIONS for the Cornme in History Photochop super contest!!! Monday all entries (all 7 of them) will be posted and you will vote for who is supreme over-underlord, to me, Supreme Adobe Photoshop Commanding Vice Lord General Madine! Here’s an eggsample that I masterfullofitly did for you to choke on my genus bitches!!

go gettum gumshoes!!

and THIS JUST IN
although a day late
[via Metz]

o’ Nancy, u are so O’Best, so O’Brills, so Oh-some!!
O’y vey is the old new O-tay?

Coachella or
Bonnaroo or
Palooza
or Vans Warped Tour?
Hmmmmmmmm…

Nanny McPhee
Phee Your Mind & Your Ass Will Follow
View Trailer

I may hate the cartoons (and the carpoons) and the movies with the clay (and westerns, and the cartoon claymated western triple lindy combos), but I’m a sucker for any other kinda kid movie that is kinda DARK in tone AND hasn’t been farted outta Disney’s arse, although I still kinda wanna see Disney’s The Kid only cause Mortimer’s in it!!! Harry Pothead, LOVES IT!! Narnia, not so dark, but LION IS JESUS AND JESUS IS LORD, or something!! Lemony’s Snizzle, in Emily Browning we still thrust (and where’s the effin mcmuffin sequel, yo?)!!! The list doesn’t go on and on, but all those mentioned kinda sorta maybe sorta kinda has one thing in commons: theys kinda sorta look like Tim Burton movies (and that’s a good thing): Potter = Sleepy Hollow, Narnia = JESUS IS LION!!!, Lemony = Edward Scissorhands, and our latest deli-icious DARKishish kish kash kids flick, Nanny = Big Fish. This theory hasn’t been proven, but Good Will Hunting fingered it out on a chalkboard and now he’s banging Minnie Driver and curing Mork’s ills and liking DEM apples, YO! But enuff about algebra and the Pythagorean Theron and why my johnson is so large!!! Nanny McPhee is, in a word, fun. Not some grandiose, highfalutin grizzle-grazzle shrimping expedition, but an enjoyable lil thing you can enjoy with your child, the kid you kidnapped, or with yourself, hispecially if yer a freakazoid like me who loves child actors (add Sam Honywood to that list) but not in the way that yer thinking, but every time I mention loving child actors, the FBI, CIA, the Kremlin, the Mossad, Hamas, Hummus, and the Tsatziki squad all spy on me and put things in my food that make me sleepy and make me admit things like how I once made love to a cheeseburger!! Annnnnnnnnnnnywho, if you love Emma Thompson looking like something I eggstracted from my dingleberries last week, the REAL Mr Darcy, Renton’s fuck buddy [NSFW], Vera Drake looking like Wendy of Wendy’s fame, THAT hella-dorable kid from Love Hactually, and Jessica FORKIN Fletcher, then I bet you’ll do a bit more than crack a smile at this lil delightful trifle of a truffle shuffle shovel my Hope Sandoval!!! Hollywurst, make more dark kiddie fare that isn’t cartoon or clay or my future Thighlings will never see anything until they’re PG-13.

Possible Porno Name: Poo-Nanny For Free

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mary Poppins

Further Fun: Nanny McP has warts, and in her honor, here be the mos memorable wart dialog eggschange of balls time…

Anita: I’m Anita Hoargarth.

Uncle Buck Russell: [staring at Anita’s wart] I’m Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell’s wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I’m… I’m the wart. She’s my tumor. My… my growth. My… uh, my pimple. I’m Uncle Wart. Just old Buck “Wart” Russell. That’s what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They’ll call me that. “Melanoma Head’s coming.” I’m s… uncle! Maisy Russell’s uncle!

Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Meta Physically Draining
View Trailer

I’m all for films that break the 4th wall, and dig deep into self-referential land, but it doesn’t always work. Remember Nederbergh’s Full Frontal? Of course you do, I mentioned it yesterday and that was like taking a dump on yourself and the only napkin you have is Brian Pepper‘s tongue!! DR POOPERS!!! While Cock & Bull, the story about the filming of a story that’s un-filmable, doesn’t sink that low, since it was bovioulsy well thought out and enlisted the franztastic talents of a who’s who of modern British actoristocracy, but to me it juss didn’t register. The jokes kinda fall flat, and unfortch this time, the British charm couldn’t make up for it. Think of Cock as 5th rate Adaptation and you’ll starting to understanding what I’m spraying. Or better yet, it plays out more like a lackluster episode of Ricky Gervais’ Extras (oh wait, they were ALL lackluster), which also happened to co-star Ashley Jensen. But maybe I’m wrong, as I’m often not, but other peeoples in the theater were cracking up. Meethinks they either get laid too much or think Wedding Crashers is the new European Vacation, and if anyone thinks that way, they should be hung by their grundle hair and beaten in public with boxes of generic cereal from Publix!!! And although I have more loathing than a loafer who’s wife was juss boned by a loaf of bread, I still gots mad love. Mad love for director Michael Winterbottom, who is kinda like a mini-Stanley Kubrick (not looks, but broad-range of genre tacklin… juss go and Netflix ANYTHING by him, or Kubrick for that deli matter!). Mad love for super best Steve Coogan, although Cock is the more of a Rob Brydon coming out party for us Yanks. And mad love for Shirley Henderson‘s voice, Ian Hart’s ears, Naomie Harris’ smile, and Jeremy Northam’s Jeremy Northam, who before this, seemed to have disappeared into Springfield’s Mystery Spot along with Ozzie Smith.

Possible Porno Name: Jizzum Candy: A Cock and Balls Story

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the film within a film mastereesespieces Day For Night

Further Fun: Read all 9 volumes of The Life and Opinions of Tristam Shandy, Gentleman, or take a peep at Playboy‘s centerfolds from 1953 to 2001… good luck finding the articles that are SFW

Oh yeah, wondering who the fork Elizabeth Berrington is? She was the preggers bird on the UK Office Christmas Special.

And oh yeah, before there was Knightley, there was Kelly MacDonald. K-Mac, I LOVES YOU SHLONG TIME!!! Please leave Dougie and work my crotch like Working Title does films!!

Until next time, eat a dick!