Thighs Wide Shut

Religulous
A Doc Which Will Live In Blasphemy
Trailers & Mo

Somewhere between the annoyingly in your face fact finding missions of Michael Moore (Fahrenheit 9/11 and SiCKO) and the annoyingly folksy laymen exploits of Morgan Spurlock (Super Thighs Me and Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?) lies the annoyingly I’m right and your wrong yay and nay sayings of Bill Maher (who looks like a grown up Breckin Meyer) and Religulous, his broad documentary (with help from Borat director/Rick Rubin doppelgänger Larry Charles) that pontificates about what’s wrong with religion, and the world’s relationship with it. Primarily centered on Catholicism, with some love/hate thrown towards Islam and Judaism, Maher (his mom was Jewish, but he was raised Catholic, and now he considers himself an apatheist) goes to town (and many of them, from the Holy Land to… The Holy Land theme park in Orlando) armed with science and reason and attacks the fundamental beliefs of these religions and their followers. He’s not out seeking answers, since it’s purty clear that his mind is made up with his overly opinionated opinions, so the doc ends up being one giant soap box derby for him to continue his ‘know it all’ attitude, which is one of the main reasons why we’ve never been interested in watching his HBO show. Every time he sits down to interview a priest, cleric, rabbi or any other devout person, his tone is instantly set to ‘mock’ that it’s sirprizing anyone agreed to meet with him. Jesus (seen above) is the only one able to penetrate his thick head/hair. After Maher scoffs at the idea of Gawd existing in three forms, Jesus retorts by saying that water exists in a liquid, solid and gaseous state. It makes him think, a little, which is about as much thinking as you’ll do while watching the film. Sum mo knowledge woulda been nice (czech out the docs Jesus Camp or Constantine’s Sword if yer thirsty), but Religulous is thighly entertaining and easy to digest with its endless high-larious intercut footage of olde Hollywood religious epics. To shot put it simply: it’s a real (good) time with Bill Maher. Whether you find him annoying or not doesn’t make a bit o’ difference. Juss be happy he’s not interviewing you

Aint Gawd Just Like An Overhyped David Blaines?: peep Ali G’s roundtable discussion on religion, which is equally mockilicious, yet far more probing. Imagine the hilarity that woulda ensued had director Charles made Religulous with Ali G instead. BOOYAKASHA!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Religulous opens in very limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Appaloosa
The Mild Mild West
Trailers & Mo

With 2000’s Pollock, Ed Harris found a perfect subject and vehicle that not only displayed his usual wonderful acting skills, but also debuted his talent as a director. 8 years later comes his follow-up, Appaloosa, but this time he doesn’t hit the mark in the director’s chair or in the acting department. Harris plays Virgil Cole, a no nonsense marshal for hire who makes a decent living traveling with his mustached partner Everett Hitch (and History of Violence co-star Viggo Mortensen, who by far delivers the only commendable performance in the picture) from town to town that are in dire need of justice. They set up shop, with their own set of rules, in the city of… Appaloosa. The baddies they’re up against are led by Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons, whose accent is mos outta place here), a man we’re told is an awful human being, but other than shooting 3 guys in the opening scene, he seems like a decent fellow… at least someone who’s a lil more colorful than the bland Virgil and Everett. V and T eventually arrest Bragg, then he gets rescued by his bandit buddy yes men, so they have to chase after him again, and after they capture him again, he escapes again, and so on and so forth. This game of cat and mouse is about as thrilling as playing Mouse Trap w/o all those doohickeys on the board. There’s really no need to mention Renée Zellweger‘s character Allison French, a newly arrived widow who wakes up the dead emotions stewing inside Virgil, but her actions and feelings flip-flop back and forth more than John Kerry that it literally drove us insane, even more so than that sour lemon face she makes ,and even more so so than the horrid musical score and the Tom Petty song played in the closing credits

We’re not really big fans of westerns, and this slow rolling, virtually actionless talk fest only increases our distaste of the genre. While Appaloosa strives to be a different kind of oater film then the ones of old, it ultimately ends up with nothing new to offer. It’s not as long winded (and long running timed) as last year’s The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, yet it’s not nearly as appealing either. At least Jesse James was based on history instead of fiction. And compared to the overly enjoyable 3:10 To Yuma remake Harris’ joint feels like 3:10 To Snoozema. This aint no shoot em up, it’s a shoot em downer

Western Union: our mos flavorite western of all time isn’t even a movie, it be those Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum ads from the 80s, starring the Gum Fighter

Verdictgo: Viggo keeps this baby alive, so Very Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Duchess
Duking It Out
Trailers & Mo

Imagine if Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice went against her heart and better judgment and an ended up marrying the dreadful Mr Collins. Now you have a picture of what The Duchess is all about, and it’s not hard to fathom considering Keira Knightley starred in both P&P and as the title character in this new film, based on the bumpy life of Georgiana Cavendish ( née Spencer, and yes actually realted to Princess Di) Duchess of Devonshire. Knightley’s knight in not so shining armor is the Duke of Devonshire (Ralph Fiennes), a cold man more interested in a male heir than having Georgiana as his wife. He treats her like a dog, although he treats his dogs a lot better than he treats her. She has no choice but to go along with it, for the sake of her own place in society and the 2 daughters she already sired with him. Things get complicated when G (the Duke’s nickname for her) befriends Lady Elizabeth ‘Bess’ Foster (rising star Hayley Atwell) and she moves into their palatial manor. Sparks fly between Bess and the Duke, and once again, G has no choice but to play along. She finds a bit of happiness in the arms of an old admirer, and future Prime Minister Charles Grey (the powerful-eyed, yet dull Dominic Cooper, last seen as the groom in Mama Mia!) and even dares to ask the Duke to set her free to him. He obviously can’t be having that, for the sake of his reputation, so the game of Three’s A Crowd continues. Poor G, but at least she gets to sport awesome hairdos! If yer a fan of stuffy British costume dramas, you’ll be right at home with this decent flick that’s excels mainly because it all really happened. As for those who aren’t, you may want to stay away and juss rent the one stuffy British costume drama that’s required viewing: Barry Lyndon

Gains(borough) and Losses: the history of the endless lost and finding of Gainsborough’s painting Georgiana Duchess of Devonshire

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

A Thousand Years of Good Prayers
83 Minutes of Good Stuff
Trailers & Mo

If China had a Lifetime channel A Thousand Years of Good Prayers would be playing repeatedly as a movie of the week. While it’s more centered on a father (Henry O, not to be confused with O Henry or the Oh Henry cnady bar), it still has a lot to do with his daughter (Feihong Yu), and the disconnection between the two. The widowed father lives in China and decides to visit his daughter in the dreary Pacific Northwest. Now that mom’s passed on, the two have little in common, but daddy tries his best to make up for lost time. This sweet and quiet film by Wayne Wang is a return to form to his earlier films in a similar vein, which focus on keeping up with Chinese culture in America. It’s nice to see Wang back in this place again instead of delivering Hollywood drivel, like giving Queen Latifah her Last Holiday or making J-Lo be Maid in Manhattan

Keep A Thigh On: that Russian guy Pavel Lychnikoff (sometimes credited as Pasha D. Lychnikoff, Pasha Lychnikoff, Pavel D. Lychnikoff, Pasha Lynchinkov, Pasha D. Lynchnikoff, Pasha Lynchnikoff, Pavel D. Lynchnikoff and Pasha Lynchnikov). he briefly pops up in Prayers as the daughter’s lover, with not much to do cept stand and look Russian. you may have already seen him somewhere before, maybe as a Russian Commie bastard solider in Crystal Skull or perhaps as a Russian guy in Cloverfield or perchance as a Russian guy in Charlie Wilson’s War or percapita as a Russian guy on Deadwood

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three films open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Ghost Town
Ghost In The Mush-Sheen
Trailers & Mo

From the man that wrote the screenplay for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (read into that however you likes) comes a film that greatly suffers from genre personality disorder. David Koepp’s Ghost Town starts off as a light comedy that turns into a light romantic comedy, then into a not so light romantic drama and finally ends up being a light drama, complete with aliens in a Mayan temple. This roller coaster of mishmashed emotions serves as Ricky Gervais‘ first starring role in a Hollywood movie, after bit parts that stood out in such poop as Stardust, Night At The Museum and For Your Consideration. Gervais, best know for playing David Brent on the UK version of The Office, is a solid choice to play wise-cracking, people loathing dentist Bertram Pincus (can you say bestest character name of the year?), cause he’s the only one keeping this film afloat. He’s relatively unknown in the States, but for audiences who go and see this fluff piece, hopefully that won’t be the case anymore. After having a near-death experience at the hospital, Gervais makes like Haley Joel Omelette and sees dead people. His Bruce Willis is Greg Kinnear, a cheating husband who got ran over by a bus, and his Olivia Williams (where the ef have you been, you cutie pie?) is Téa Leoni, the widow that Kinnear wants Gervais to prevent from marrying some d-bag. He’s reluctant at first, but eventually takes on the assignment, and in the process starts falling for Leoni, as well as re-evaluating his wise-cracking, people loathing ways. Didn’t see that coming, did you? There are a bunch of other ghosts (including Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off!) begging Pincus to help them as well, but there’s so little attention paid to them until the very end that it feels kinda tacked on. To make up for it, they should turn this idea into a TV sitcom, where Ricky G helps dead people. Maybe they can make Haley Joel Omelette his partner and then we can see them seeing dead people! DEAD PEOPLE!!!!

The Song Doesn’t Remain The Same: although the choice of using the Beatles ‘I’m Looking Through You’ in the title sequence was a fine one, we think they missed a golden opp to use the Specials’ classic song that shares the same name as the film’s title [d]

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Battle In Seattle
WTOh Snap!
Trailers & Mo

In 1999 the World Trade Organization met in Seattle to discuss things and stuff about the organization, the world and trading (sounds juss as thrilling as the snooze-fest Trade Federation scenes in the new Star Wars movies, eh?). It was all poorly organized (sorry, there was no better word to use) and to make splatters worse, there were a zillion different groups protesting the meetings. What started off as simple civil disobedience, qwikly turned ugly, and bloody and gassy (not in a flatulence kinda way) and all hell broke loose. Windows were smashed, and so were faces, as the city was forced to send in the brute squad (I am the Brute Suqad!). First time director Stuart Townsend (aka, Mr Charlize Theron and the guy who was originally suppose to play Aragorn in LOTR) takes this high-charged event and throws a bunch of fictional characters around it to humanize the experience. There’s a pregnant lady (Charlize, doing Stuart a favor) caught in the maelstrom between the brute squad (led by her not so brute on-screen hubby Woody Harrelson, and his pretty brute pretty boy pal Channing Tatum) that was sent in by the frantic mayor (Ray Liotta), who are all trying to keep the peace with the protesters (Martin Henderson, Michelle Rodriguez, André 3000 and Jennifer Carpenter), whilst the action is being captured on TV by the local news hottie (Connie Nielsen). Townsend intercuts actual footage from the melee into the film to heighten the realism and the drama, which was a wise idea considering how staged his reenactments appear. Like with Ghost Town, little focus is thrown on the minor players who are of more interest. The WTO peoples are pushed into the background (unless you count a few scenes with an angry Rade Serbedzija), and it never becomes clear as to what they’re doing that’s so wrong to provoke these protests in the first place. Nonetheless, it’s worth a look, so this lady wonth protest too much

Keep Battalin’: there’ll be another Battle In Seattle this year, but this one pits the Gonzaga Bulldogs vs the UCONN Huskies

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hounddog
You Aint Nothing… Much
Trailers & Mo

Yes, this is the Dakota Fanning gets raped movie. Most of the film you’re waiting for it to happen, and then when it does, there’s the rest of the film and that’s purty much that. Yep. And before and after the shocking deed is done, which isn’t so shocking cause you know it’s coming, Dakota Fanning sings Elvis Presley’s ‘Hound Dog’ like 10 nillion thymes and Piper Laurie yells and David Morse is creepy, then is struck by lightning and becomes stoopid and naked, and Robin Wright Penn comes and goes and there’s a bunch of nice helpful African Americans being nice and helpful to the white folk cause this is the South of olde and then the credits roll

EnTitled: here’s our picks for the top twenty films where the title is based on a song (we’re not including movies where the song was created juss for a movie, like Purple Rain, or are featured in a musician’s biopic, like La Bamba, or are other films found in this post, cause they wouldn’t even crack the top 100)

1. Stand By Me – Ben E King
2. Blue Velvet – Bobby Vinton
3. Boys Don’t Cry – The Cure
4. Pretty In Pink – The Psychedelic Furs
5. Mister Lonely – Bobby Vinton
6. Man On Fire – Andy Gibb
7. Boogie Nights – Heatwave
8. Roxanne – The Police
9. Sixteen Candles – The Crests
10. Pump Up The Volume – M|A|R|R|S
11. Valley Girl – Frank Zappa
12. Pieces of April – Three Dog Night
13. Man On The Moon – REM
14. Some Kind of Wonderful – The Drifters or Grand Funk Railroad
15. Strange Brew – Cream
16. 24 Hour Party People – Happy Mondays
17. Can’t Buy Me Love – Beatles
18. Less Than Zero – Elvis Costello
19. (My Own) Private Idaho – The B52s
20. Walk Like A Man – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

what say you?
although don’t say anything if yer top pick is Pretty Woman

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Seattle and Dog open in limited release, while Ghost Town will play at a theater near jews starting tomorrow

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Burn After Reading
Fire Safety In Numbers
Trailers & Mo

If the Coen Bros never made No Country For Old Men, and Burn After Reading was the movie that followed up their uninspired, rudimentary Intolerable Cruelty and spirited, yet underwhelming Ladykillers, then it would be without question that their filmmaking skills were in serious decline. Yet, we can’t think like that cause No Country did happen, and in a huge way (4 frickin Oscars, a David, a Sierra and even a Saturn!), re-establishing them as geniuses for the longtime fans and putting them on the map for the other people with woolite over their eyes for the past two decades. BAR may be a minor work in the Coens’ canon, but coming off No Country, it’s nice to be treated to one of their fun and frivolous little diversions littered with their usual quirky characters and crazy capers, regardless if it all adds up to something meaningful or not. Sure, BAR aint in the same league as Raising Arizona and Lebowski (happy 10th anniversary!), but we’ll take the Coens’ Ocean 8 (with Malkovich and his endless use of the word ‘f&ck’ edging out Brad Pitt and his hair as the film’s main draw) over any of Steven Soderbergh’s three lifeless and narcissistic all-star fests. Still, the Coens’ do share one thing in common with Nerderbergh: an inability to make us love George Clooney, even if he can grow a beard that looks similar to ours and Jack’s

Pushing Daisy: Satan’s Alley has got some competition for bestest faux film of the year with the Dermot Mulroney-Claire Danes rom-com Pushing Up Daisy, which makes several apperances in BAR. The Coens’ even filled out all the credits on the poster, tapping Sam Raimi as the director and basing it off of a Cormac McCarthy novel [USA TooGay]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Righteous Kill
The GodAWFULFather
Trailers & Mo

Imagine watching Dexter (for those of you missing out on one of the breastest shows on intellivision, Dex is a forensics expert who moonlights as a serial killer of really bad peoples who escape justice), minus the style and substance, and you don’t know which character is Dexter (we’re led to believe that Robert DeNiro’s the killer….), and by the time it’s revealed (…but there has to be a twist at the end, so guess who ends up being the killer????), you’re either too bored to death or too deathed to bored to even care. That purty much sums up Righteous Kill, the Italian-American equivalent of The Forbidden Kingdom, another 2008 flick that paired two former box office titans on the same screen, about 10+, or in this case 20+ years too late (we won’t count their 9 seconds together in Heat). The only good to come out of this mano e causing mono is the revelation that in this day and age, Robert DeNiro is by far the more annoyingierer actor of the two. We know that sounds more ludicrous than Ludacris eating only Luden’s cough drops, but it’s truly true. Juss compare and contrast their recent resumes (see Pacino in The Insider and The Merchant of Venice if you haven’t already). This movie blows more than all the blow-up dolls found in the Blow-Pop factory in Blowlivia. They shoulda burned this film after making it, cause if you end up seeing this hunk o skunk you’ll want to burn yer eyes after viewing. No real big sirpize here, coming from director Jon Avnet, who last wasted our and Al Pacino’s time earlier this year with the inept sloppy thriller 88 Minutes. We wished that giant mess was only 8 minutes long, but compared to Righteous Borefest, it’s Citizen Kane II!!

Fists Like A Glover: Avnet can eat our choda, but we’re glad he keeps casting hottie Trilby Glover (she was in both 88 and Righetous). if she and Juno’s BFF Olivia Thirlby merged into one person they’d be Trilby Thirlby (or Olivia Glover for you lame-wads). here be some niiice snaps of Alicia Silverstone 2.0 in Maxim. and here’s one of her with Chevy Chase

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

both films are currently playing at a theater near jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Towelhead
American Ugly
Trailers & Mo

Remember how uncomfortable, yet completely mesmerized you were when watching Kevin Spacey seduce Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari in American Beauty (no NSFW link here, cause she and her 9-head kinda gross us out)? OK, maybe you non-perverts weren’t as transfixed as we were, but no one cares what you think. Well imagine experiencing that same conflicting feeling, stretched out over 2 hours and that’s purty much how we’d sum up the icky-goodness of Towelhead, Alan Ball‘s follow-up screenplay to Beauty (based off the Alicia Erian novel) and also his directorial debut. This is easily the worstest date movie of the 2008 (surpassing the porn waiting to be made that was The Babysitters and the abortion fun of 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days), and is easily one of the more memorable films of the year as well. Don’t be too scared though, cause there’s plenty of laffs to be found in and around all the squeamish bits

The title is misleading (and so is the trailer, which tries to paint this black dramedy as more of a white comedy, so please don’t bother watching it). Sure, the racial slur ‘towelhead’ is verbally thrown a few times at our babe in the woods heroine Jasira (Summer Bishil, making a remarkable screen debut), who’s been sent by her mother (Maria Bello) to live with her strict old-world Lebanese daddy (Six Feet Under‘s waaaaaaaay over the top art teacher Peter Macdissi, chipping in a revelatory performance of his own) in a very vanilla Houston suburb during the first Gulf War era, but the film isn’t as focused on racism as it is on Jasira’s spring awakening. Her path of blossoming into womanhood is about as rocky and confusing as Carrie‘s was, although luckily she didn’t have her first period in the gym shower. Come to think of it, her father’s a lot like Carrie’s mom (they’re all gonna laugh at you!), cept he actually has interest in banging the opposite sex, unless of course when it comes to his daughter who starts dating a black kid (Eugene Jones III). Jasira’s maturation catches the eye of her Army reservist neighbor Travis (Aaron Eckhart, the king of playing scum bags) and the plot slowly turns into Spacey hunting Suvari round II, where yer juss waiting for something horrible to happen scene after scene and feel really really dirty in the process. Jasira finds solace from all her sexual uncertainty and anxiety in the form of her earthy next door neighbor (Toni Collette), who also acts as a mother figure that she’s badly in need of, but once her safe house is compromised, there goes the neighborhood!

Ball obviously revels in the innocence of the young surrounded by the dark side of suburbia, and even if he is repeating himself a bit in Towelhead he’s still the master of this domain. It’s quite curious that this film is being released at the same time as True Blood, his new HBO show that’s far from the burbs, cause the two couldn’t be any more different. Towelhead is teeming with life, while Blood is (un)dead on arrival. Suck on that Sookie Stackhouse!

Dirty Jobs: Jarisa gets turned on by nudie magazines, and in turn, we getz to get turned on (screen) with a lil NSFWness from the likes of Nathalie Walker (Twaddle), LoriDawn Messuri and former playmate Irina Voronina, last seen topless in the Reno 911 movie

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Women
She’s Got Female
Trailers & Mo

We passed on the Sex And The City movie this summer, so this long gestating remake of the 1939 George Cukor film (haven’t seen it), which is obviously gunning for all the leftover change in the SATC fans’ wallets, will have to make do as our affluent aging ladies be having man, work and life troubles flick. And despite an overly ovarian trailer that made us want to run for the windmills, this new Women pic helmed by Murphy Brown creator and first time director (and it shows) Diane English is not entirely awful. On the other thigh, it’s nuttin special tat all, but partnering up Meg Ryan (and her Grinched face) with BFFs Annette Bening (second hottiest old lady ever behind Susan Sarandon), Debra Messing and Jada Pinkett Smith, throwing in Candice Bergen, Bette Midler, Cloris Leachman and Debi Mazar for comic relief, while givin the men Eva Mendes (and Ana Gast
eyer :) as a bit o’ eye candy adds up to something completely watchable. As was the case with the original Women, not a single man appears in the film and it’s a gimmick that’s absolutely refreshing. We’re slowly turning gayer and gayer as this review progresses, so we’ll end it here by saying: men, take yer bizatches to see Towelhead, and then let them get even by forcing you to watch this. It could be a lot worse, like seeing any movie where Jennifer Garner opens her mouth more wide than our thighs are shut

No Man’s Land: In addition to its all-female cast, every animal that was used in the film (the many dogs and horses) was female as well. In addition, none of the works of art seen in the backgrounds were representative of the male form. [IMDb trivia for the 1939 version of The Women ]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

A Secret (Un Secret)
A Titillating Tattle Tale
Trailers & Mo

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it’s a/un secret. What is? We dunno, cause we aint saying shiz, cept you should habsolutely czech out this never dull, always colorful semi-true account (based on the novel by Philippe Grimbert) about a bunch of French Jews, and their not so simple family relations, who are riding out the tide of Nazi occupation. Moist importantly, this is the second movie outside of Munich we’ve seen in the past few years that features totally wicked hot actors (that skinny wide-eyed blond mademoiselle from that awful movie Haute Tension, Ludivine Sagnier, once again not in NSFW mode and Diving Beller and the next Bond baddie Mathieu Amalric) playing Jews even dough they’re about as Jewish as Jesus covered in bacon. Goy dog goy!

Ill Gérard: some of the cast hactually do look kinda druish, including Gérard Depardieu’s sirprizngly kinda/sorta cute daughter Julie. here’s sum random pics we found of her in Jeremy Piven’s lap

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Towelhead joins Secret in very limited release today, while Del Women opens everywhere where women live. and although we didn’t get to screen Burn Before Reading, of course wees gonna see it and report back. as for Righteous Kill, we didn’t get to screen that either, but if we don’t run out and see it this weekend, we fear that the word of mouth may dissuade us from ever seeing it. anywho, why are you listening to us when you could be listening to the lady from Eagle Eye telling you to do things, like THINGS!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…