Thighs Wide Shut

Donkey Punch
The Dead Sea Rolls
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Three saucy British babes randomly meet up with three preppy blokes and their semi-annoying, semi-hardcore mate who semi-speaks in semi-cockney rhyme (and is semi-as-smooth as Semmi from Coming To America). They set sail on a yacht for a bit o’ afternoon fun in the sun on the Mediterranean. Throw in some drugs, bumpin tunes and liquor in the front and poker in the rear and we’ves gots the making of another glorious Skinemax movie. And it is. It is that is is until the movie’s title’s sexual euphemism is put into action (at the insistence of the semi-bloke) and turns this mother out into a survival of the fittest… the fittest honeys and cuties fighting for their lives on the high sea of treachery and debauchery and any other kind of cheryes you could think of. Half salacious scenery and half tine-spingling a-lings, Donkey Punch is a 100% guilty pleasure that we’d never plead not guilty to. We even get pleasure guilty-ly juss by repeating the title. DP has more barrels of laffs (most unintentional) than Donkey Kong has barrels and gets more Punch-love from us than we’d ever give to Punch-Drunk Love. Sure, there aints no Academy Award performances to be found for nautical miles, but who gives a ship when we’ve juss docked on the mos entertaining movie of 2009. That’s not sayin too much considering it’s one of the first movies we’ve seen this year, but butts stinks and Dave Butz rules! Did we mention that this movie’s called 3?!?!

Rex-N-Effect: the soundtrack‘s a killer (although we coulda done w/o the sound bites from the film), and every time we hear the Rex The Dog remix of The Knife’s ‘Heartbeats’ [d] all we wanna do is dance, and donkey punch saucy babes on a yacht. DONKEY PUNCH!

How You Like Dem Apple Saucy Babes?: while the Run Lola Run lookin blonde may be easy on the thighs, and we’d totally give the girl above (Nichola Burley) a whirl down below, we’re totally jonesing the moistest for Indiana Jones’ buddy Ray Winstone‘s daughter Jaime

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Donkey P opens today in NY/LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Revolutionary Road
The Suburban Jungle
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

April (Kate Winslet) and Frank Wheeler (Leonardo DiCaprio) and their two kids move out to a sunny home in the suburbs in hopes of achieving the American dream. What they didn’t realize was that it was going to be a total nightmare (including dinner parties with some overly friendly/annoying neighbors played by rising star David Harbour and perky Kathryn Hahn) and a place where all their dreams would die. Sam Mendes reunites the Titanic pair (and his wife), along with Kathy Bates (what, was Billy Zane not available?), in the screen adaptation of Richard Yates‘ celebrated novel of the same name (one we actually read before we saw the film), and this time the ship is their relationship, well on its way to hitting an iceberg… several icebergs. April comes up with the crazy idea of moving the family to France in hopes of reigniting their passion for life and love. No one they know takes the idea seriously, and after Frank’s rise at the company he can’t stand and April’s unwanted pregnancy, they begin to agree that it may be a fruitless venture. The price of their shattered dreams is their love, and its undoing is udderly heartbreaking. Good thing then that everyone, including the film itself is an absolute thing of (50s American) beauty, as everything else goings on is purty darns ugly. Winslet is stellar as always, and DiCaprio finally has material that perfectly suits his boyish becoming mannish traits, but the performance that grabs the most attention is Michael Shannon‘s, who as Bates’ psychologically damaged son seems to be the only one able to see through everyone’s rosy exteriors, straight to their dismal interiors. Like with Viola Davis in Doubt, Shannon’s work is brief, but unforgettable. They both could easily walk away with Oscars, but then again, wees aint they ones handing them out. Rev Road aint nuttin revolutionary (it’s like Mad Men, with equal amounts of smoking, but less sex and more yelling), and even if the road traveled is a little too bumpy to be fully enjoyed, the drive is juss too scenic to pass up

Behind Blue Eyes: now that baby blue-eyed cutie pie Zooey Deschanel‘s been snapped up by Mr Death Cab For Cutie, we’re transferring all our love to another baby blue-eyed cutie pie, Elia Kazan‘s granddaughter Zoe Kazan (she plays an airy NSFW secretary that DiCaprio lets sharpen his pencils)… that is until she ties the knot with her hipster man, Paul Dano

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Good
The Good/Bad German
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Good is a film based on CP Taylor‘s 1981 play that is not great and not bad, but juss plain ole good. It stars Viggo Mortensen as a writer whose novel about euthanasia catches the eye of the Third Reich. They want him to write a medical paper on the subject, and also for him to join their ranks. He really isn’t interested in their politics, but they assure/shut him up by giving him an honorary title that will satisfy both parties. As Viggo’s career keeps on rising, and as he becomes accustomed to a better life (with beauty Jodie Whittaker in hand) he starts to turn a blind eye to his former ideals and his Jewish friend (Jason Isaacs). By the time he wakes up and smells the Sanka, it’s too late to be good anymore. Today marks the release of Good as well as Defiance (eventually to be reviewed when eventually seen), cause nothing ends a year on a thigh note quite like yet another Nazi-themed film. Good is also the last of them Nazi films this year that shares the view of the victimizers, following The Reader and The Boy In The Striped Pajamas. All three shed a well welcomed different light on a familiar topic, and all three are worth your peeperers. So where do Nazi-themed movies go from here? How about on a vacation, as wethinks we could all use a break from never forgetting

Trap The Fly Venus: Whittaker first turned heads and thighs opposite Peter O’Toole as the title character in Venus. Peep how her butt stacks up against Velásquez’s original

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Good joins Rev Road currently playing in limited release

stay tuned for our wrap-pup of all things filmatic from the year that was ‘008

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Wrestler
A Camel Clutch Performance
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Every year since our Thighs have been Wide Shut we’ve been blown away by a single acting performance so blownerrific that we juss knew, without a dadow of a shout, that it would earn the performer an Oscar statuette months later. In the ’04 it was Jamie as Ray, in the ’05 it was Hoffman as Capote, in the ’06 it was Whitaker as Amin and last year, Cotillard as Rice Piaf. And your winner this year that you can bet the farm and the pharmacy on is Mickey Rourke as the washed-up wrastler Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson (a fictional person, but seems more real than B Real buying some junk from the Junkyard Dog). This movie’s gots Marisa Tomei as a stripper with a big heart, and nipple rings (that you get to see!) and Evan Rachel Wood looking like a younger Marilyn Manson and Todd Barry watching porn and Judah Friedlander w/o an ironic hat, yet all of them yummy appetizers are juss that to the main course of heartburn and heartache that is Rourke’s Ram (he even drives a RAM truck!). The whole she-bang is pressing-de, which aint no sirprize coming from virtuoso director Darren Aronofsky (and from the pen of a guy who writes for The Onion, wtf?), but it also happens to be one of the funniest of the year, sharing that title with another bestest pic of the year, Gran Torino. If you aints cracking yer teets off during the deli counter scene, then you our friends, don’t deserve to eat deli meats ever!! That goes negative double to you vegetarians who aren’t our friends cause animals aren’t our friends, they is our lunches and dinners!!

Now Yer Playing With Power: The Ram was the star of an 8-bit NES video game, which he plays with a neighborhood kid in the film, but the game doesn’t look 1/2 as yumcredible as NES’ Pro Wrestling is. Long live King Corn Karn!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Spirit
Smells Like Latrine Spirit
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Remember how redonkeypunchoholic (that’s a good thing) Sin City was? Well, subtract all the incredible actors, spanktastic honeys, co-director Robert Rodriguez, and everything else (like 19 zillion more things) that made it the knees bees of 2005 and what yer left with is the biggest waste of optical splendor since Sky Captain And The World of Tomorrow, which is the Dick Tracy for this decade (read: crap on a shtick). This giant waste that we puke of is the The Spirit, Frank Miller‘s first solo directorial project based off of the belovededed Will Eisner comic, and it doesn’t border on disaster, but on absolute boredom. Not even Samuel L Jackson’s over-overacting or Scarlett Johansson’s lack of acting talent or Eva Mendes’ photocopied ass or Kevin Arnold’s angry dad or 293938487 Edgar Stileseses can muster up anything close to what we peoples call entertainment. The only thing worth noting is Sarah Paulson‘s fine performance as The Spirit’s lady in waiting. She’s the only one in the film who can keep a straight face, and when she cries a tear for The Spirit, we cry a tear for Paulson who deserves much better (esp after the shitbacle that was the unfunny show about a unfunny sketch show that was suppose to be funny). If you can brave it through this snooze/boo fest then you should be allowed to play The Spirit in the sequel… a sequel that will never happen cause no one will care what becomes of The Spirit after seeing this burnt popcorn movie

Some Ifs, Ands, and Butts: we take it back, Eva Mendes’ photocopied ass is entertaining

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Last Chance Harvey
Actually Love?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Dustin Hoffman is so good at playin a goofy schlub. Emma Thompson is so good at playing a hot classy older woman. When the two come together it’s pretty darn oh so good, first with Stranger Than Fiction and now with Last Chance Harvey. Dustin plays Harvey Shine, a goofy schlub whose life starts to get even schlubblier while in London (he loses his job, and then learns that his daughter would rather have her James Brolin stepfather walk her down the aisle), but then he has a (last) chance meeting with a hot classy older lady named Kat
e. They’re both lonely and in need of some serious smiles. Harv charms her enuff to let him walk her around London town for hours on (Howard’s) end. Kate then convinces Harv to return to his daughter’s wedding reception, and he obliges, if only she joins him. What happens next with Harvey and his daughter, with new pal Kate cheering him on, is some deeply (chicken) tender stuffs. Too bad this magic moment occurs midway thru the movie, instead of at the end where it woulda been more effective. Lessthenone, the restist is good enuff stuffs that will keep you hoping that Harvey will get the chance to break into Kate’s community chest

Can’t Wait For The Sequel: Rolling Harvey Down The Hill

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Waltz With Bashir
Ballroom Blitzkrieg
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Strip away all of the hamazin’ cartooing goings on in the animated-documentary Waltz With Bashir and all yer left with is some fuzzy recollections that some Israeli soldiers had about Sabra and Shatila massacre during the 1982 Lebanon War. It’s no wonder that the writer/director Ari Folman went the colorful route for his autobiographical tale, cause otherwise this thing woulda been as dry as some dry armpits in needs of Arrid Extra Dry. The loose storytelling tries to make an impact on the viewer, and barely does, but it’s the cartoon that does all the impacting, and then some. It’s a true feast for the eyes, and with this scene, for the thighs. Last year’s brilliant Persepolis was able to backup its visual beauty with a compelling narrative. Bashir aint this year’s Persepolis, but then again, what is? Dunno, Kannapolis, NC?

Out of Treatment: Folman directed 3 episodes of the Israeli/original version of In Treatment, called BeTipul

Verdictgo: for your peepers it’s Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Day The Earth Stood Still
Keanu & Jennifer’s Bogus Journey
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

98.8676% of movies that are remade should have never been remade. The Day The Earth Stood Still is one of thems (who woulda guessed?!?!?!?!?!). What more needs to be said? These simple facts: the bestest part of the entire movie is something we’ve dreamed of for a long time – the destruction of Giants Stadium. Jaden Smith should not be allowed to act, unless accompanied by his father. John Cleese should be banned from serious roles (esp since his family’s surname is really ‘Cheese’). Kathy Bates would make an awful Secretary of Defense. Jon Hamm, Kyle Chandler and Robert Knepper should fire their agents for finding them such dreck to film during their TV show’s hiatuses. And finally, how come no one has found another good reason for Jennifer Connelly, a dildo and another woman’s a$$ to be in the same room at the same time again?

Don’t Express Yoself: Vulture’s Complete Field Guide to the Facial Expressions of Keanu Reeves

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

On XMas, Bashir and Harvey will join The Wreslter, already playing in limited release, while The Spirit joins The Earth in crushing your holiday spirit at a theater near jews

have a wonderful holly daze peoples!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Yes Man
A Series of Fortunate Events
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The peoples hath spoken and apparently the peoples don’t like their Jim Carrey serious (The Majestic, Man on the Moon, Eternal Sunshine… that movie was mad loved but he got no love) or scary (The Number 23, Lemony Snicket… possibly his single greatest performance/role). Well the peoples are flat(chested) out wrong (cept for probably in regards to The #23, although we dont thinks anyone would admit to seeing it) cause Carrey is a wonderfully unique talent that always gives his audience 111% entertainment, regardless of the genre he’s acting up in, or if the movie’s actually any good. Obviously he’s at his best when dishing out the yuks, so since we all can agree on that then you’ll be as pleased as punch to know that his latest, Yes Man, puts him right back where we want em, the laugh factory. The trailer makes it out to be Liar Liar 2 (and in general a laaaaaame broad comedy), but this Peyton Reed (Bring It On, Down With Love, and the writer of The Back To The Future ride???) directed film based off of British journalist/funnyman Danny Wallace‘s book of the same name (here’s an article about him and the movie) quickly surpasses it’s gimmickry and finds symmetry as a perfect Jim Carrey comedy, with a dash of rom sweetly added to the com. It’s all simple stuffs, but it’s simply funny stuffs, so what more could you ask for? Well you can forget about Carrey’s two generic onscreen BFFs (Bradley Cooper and Danny Masterson) and instead focus on the terrific trio supporting him: his lovely love interest (Zooey Deschanel, back in our good graces after her poo faces in The Happening), his grampy guru (Terence Stamp, who everyone should kneel before) and his bubbly boss who throws the bestest themed bashes (the thighlarious Rhys Darby, for those who haven’t already been thighlaried by him as Murray the always present manager on FOTC). With all these overly heavy award season movies clogging multiplexes and farthouse cinemas out there, it’s a pleasure to have a distraction like Yes Man to say yes to. Wees hoping Carrey will one day say yes to a movie where he’s not allowed to talk. Can you imagine what he could do with a role like that? Yes we can

On Solid Sound: the Yes Man soundtrack rocks the cashbar, featuring 9 songs by the Eels (and their 2 bestest tunes ever, ‘Flyswatter’ [d] and ‘The Sound Of Fear’) and 4 by the Zooey’s band within the movie, Munchausen By Proxy. Click hear to here 2 of them Munchy tracks

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Nothing But The Truth
A Source Subject
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Valerie Plame affair practically begs itself to be turned into a movie (so does the David Beckham-Rebecca Loos [NSFW] affair, on whatever the British equivalent of Cinemax is). And while we wait for the Doug Liman-Nicole Kidman treatment to hit the big screen, take a dip with Nothing But the Truth, a factually fictional fully functional film that delves deep down into the depths of journalism and their deep throats (what timing, with Mark Felt‘s death). The Contender director Rod Lurie goes all All The President’s Men and delivers an All The President’s Men Against A Woman. That woman is Rachel Armstrong (Kate Beckinsale, like we’ve never seen her before… mostly w/o make-up, trying to ‘ugly’ it up for your Academy consideration), a DC newspaper reporter who outs a CIA operative (Vera Farmiga, secretly and not so secretly becoming one of our bestest young although not so young actresses around), whose husband publicly questioned the ultimately false information that lead the almost assassinated US President to wage war on Venezuela (what is this, a stripped from the
headlines Law & Order episode?), and all HELL’Enfant plaza breaks loose. The govmint want to know who blabbed these govmint secrets and so they put special prosecutor Matt Dillon in charge to bust balls (c’mon, this is the same guy who hired Bill Murray as his lawyer in a case vs the two girls he took a NSFW champagne bath with!!!). Becks won’t reveal her source and a judge and Matt Dillon put her in jail until she talks the talks. They think she’ll eventually relent, but she has no intention of relenting and stays in jail not relenting. While she suffers, but stays tuffs on the inside, Alan Alda as her lawyer (what, no Bill Murray?), Angela Bassett as her editor and Noah Wyle as like the newspaper’s lawyer or stuff try to get her out, and David Schwimmer as her husband and that kid from Dexter as her kid, but not from Dexter try to live life w/o moms and her high ideals. The rest doesn’t exactly play out like reality, and that’s actually a good thing, cause having someone nicknamed after a Muppet gettin a commuted sentence isn’t a very cinematic conclusion. It gets a lil twisty at the very end, but it’s one of them nice lil ones, not one of those M Night Shamaladingdong ones that make you want to throw women down a flight of stairs (we do not condone the throwing of women down a flight of stairs, but it is a phrase that pays)

No Plame Jane: dude, did you ever see the Plamester on the cover of FHM?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

The Class
(Entre Les Murs)
To Sir With Love Mixed Feelings
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

France has been very kind to us Freedom Fryers this year with its exports in filmed film thingies (wtf Spain? you’re totally slacking!), and The Class closes us out on a thigh note. Winner of this year’s Palme d’Or, The Class is about a inner city multicultural class and its outercity white bread teacher. The film is free of the usual Hollywood gangsta throw downs, as teach tries to make his students, even the unteachable ones, stand and almost deliver, until he reaches his own breaking point. If you had a friend and they were about to become a teacher but you really don’t think that they should become a teacher then you should take that person thinking about becoming a teacher to this movie that probably will make them not want to become a teacher… in France… in the inner city. We barely leave the confines of the school’s grounds, so it feels a bit like detention, one you pay for, and one you should pay to see

Sextuple Threat: writer/star François Bégaudeau was the lead singer of a punk band called Zabriskie Pont, wrote a fictional novel about Mick Jagger and is the movie critic for France’s Playboy. when this guy’s done with his life we’d like to have it

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Yes Men opens everywhere today, while Truth rocks out in NY/LA, where The Class will play for one week only… before returning to NY/LA in late January

stay tuned kiddies, cause there’s plenty more reviews to come in the next week

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

What Doesn’t Kill You
Boston Crime Spree Party
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A botched robbery taking place in a strip mall, spearheaded by Ethan Hawke. No, we’re not talking about Before The Devil Knows Your Dead, but a similar opening scene of a similarly titled new film that’s not as similar in awesomeness as Sidney Lumet’s brilliant 2007 entry was. Then again, it’s not really fair to compare anything to The Devil, cause that shiz was the knees bees (the rare revealing Marasi Tomei NSFWness surely helps to make it mos memorable). And while The Devil is purely fictional, What Doesn’t Kill You is based in reality. Director/writer/actor/Boston tuff guy Brian Goodman channels his own ruff and tumble life and pours it into this tale (with help on paper and screen from Donnie Wahlberg) of two boyhood hood chums, Brian (Mark Ruffalo) and Paulie (Hawke), as they rise from petty crimes to unpretty felonies. As they grow older (and a lot of years elapse in the film), they’re not really growing up and growing out of their wicked ways. Ruffalo’s got two kids and a long suffering wife, played by velociraptor Amanda Peet. Ethan Hawke has a shaved head and a lot of gumption. Neither have a Boston accent (they sorta try). Eventually they both land in prison and when they get out, they need to decide if they want to earn money in a legitimate manner, or go about it in the old style, which will probably return their butts to prison. Ruffalo’s the more conflicted of the two, having let down his family time and time again. He gets helpful advice from an old family friend (Will Lyman, as the voice of reason, which is no sirprize since he’s a fab narrator of many a fab things, including, but not limited to Little Children), but ultimately the decision is up to him as to how to live his life going fwd. The film is a bit uneven by trying to cram so much exposition into only 100 minutes, yet instead of it being non-stop action, it felt like the longest 100 minutes we’ve endured in a long time. Thankfully the performances by Ruffalo/Hawke are genuine and heartfelt that you’ll be rooting for these lowlifes to succeed, even if they don’t necessarily deserve to. We’re also thankful that this Boston-based flick doesn’t involve corrupt cops. We hope those kinds of movies go gone baby, gone for the foreseeable future

It Don’t Matter If It Whiteman Or Blackman: Andria Blackman chips in her first credited role as ‘Attractive Girl’. nuff said, cept we’ll juss say that Pabst Blue Ribbon never look so delicious

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story
A Face Only A Republican Could Love
Trailer | Offical Website

Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story barely made a dent when it hit theaters this fall, but after catching it on DVD, it definitely made a dent in our minds. If Lee’s name doesn’t strike a diving bell with yer butterfly then you should absolutely seek out this thighly informative and ultimately very sad doc about Karl Rove’s predecessor’s accent (his dirty tricks and expressive face helped the Republican party to put the 1st Bush into the White House and set the playbook for the next one to take office) and horrible decline (cancer). And how could you not want to see a flick that makes you want to give Michael Dukakis a giant hug afterwards?

What Doesn’t Kill You opens today in NY/LA today, and then elsewhere elsewhen. Also opening in NY is Where God Left His Shoes, a film we saw at the Thighbeca Film Fest in 2007 and we saids that it was a ‘very touching tale of a family fighting their way out of homelessness around Christmastime in NYC‘

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…