Thighs Wide Shut

Orphan
Mighty Orphan Power Stranger
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Orphan aint nuttin but a fun shock and awe-snap horrorfest. In the same breath, it’s also a hard to swallow, heavily mean-spirited affair where the children are not only thrown into harms way, but actually get harmed. If you can get past the second half of that breath (it’s really really tuff, but we know you can do it!), and all the other toothsome gruesome violence strewn about, you’re in for another summer frightening treat, that’s a slight step behind last month’s nutragoeus Drag Me To Hell. Like Scream, Orphan openly pays homage to films of a mo golden era, but Jaume Collet-Serra‘s second directorial stab in the genre (after his entertaining House of Wax Dat A$$) isn’t so obvious about it. Maybe that has something to do with David Johnson and Alex Mace‘s snazzy story (that does go on and on a bit too much at the very end), eggsalad production values, and believable performances from respected actors (Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard, a gay actor always trapped in a straight man’s role, eggecept in Kinsey when Kinsey gave him a reach around)

As for the film’s lesser-known child thespians (Natalie Portman Professional style jailbait Isabelle Fuhrman, young James T Kirk!, and a too adorable fo words Aryana Engineer, who does indeed know the language of sign in reals lifes), their work is so blowminding that after we left the theater, we demanded to know why the Academy Awards doesn’t separately recognize the talent of youth with their own category, herspecially if animation gets its own BS one (howevs, in the lates 40s, a few special awards were handed out to some kids, complete with miniature statuettes)!!! Sure, the wins of Tatum O’Neal and Anna Paquin were huuuuge, and the other youngin nominations were all nice gestures, but is it too much to ask to set aside a lil love and respek to these pint-size dyanamos who arguably have a tougher job of acting than their older counterparts? We still get chills juss thinking about Dakota Fanning’s hammazin work in I Am Sam, opposite a way over the top Sean Penn, and yet it was he who snagged the film’s only nomination. Where’s the justice folks? Thought everyone’s unofficial mantra was that kids came first. And no, that’s not ‘what she said’, you sick f$%k!!!

Twisty Ties: there’s quite a big twist in the movie that we wouldn’t dare reveal here, but there’s a smaller twist that’s already well known… CCH Pounder is hactually Bill Cosby!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Orphan is currently being adopted by audiences at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Adam
Asperger’s Without Cheese
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Within a wingspan of two weeks, FoxySearchlight Pictures have released two of the mos endearing looks at love that we’ve seen in a shlong time. First came the down and out creative downer (500) Days of Summer, and now comes Max Mayer‘s charming and disarming Adam, another off the beatoff track tale of tough romance in modern times. Hugh Dancy plays Adam, a recently orphaned young man living in the big city with Asperger syndrome. From the get go, when know there’s something off about him (blank stares, looking off to the side when talking with people endlessly about astronomy, which Dancy effortlessly pulls off, channeling both Hoffman’s Rain Man and Sellers’ Chance from Being There), but the script doesn’t divulge his condition until right about the time things are about to get serious with his new next door neighbor Beth (Damager & Amidala handmaiden Rose Byrne). They both know better than to get involved with one another, but it’s a movie and there’s love in the air, so why the fork not? Complications ensue, including a not that interesting side story about Beth’s father (Peter Gallagher and his eyebrows) on trial for some questionable practices, and the reality of a ‘normal’ person romancing a not so ‘normal’ person comes to a head. Will they stay together? Will theys not? Will Frankie Faison ever not be cuddly? Shouldn’t Amy Irving act more? Hey, is that Balki’s cousin Larry, Mark Linn-Baker? And isn’t that that midget chick from 24? and OMfarginG, is that that girl from Sixteen Candles who gets her hair stuck in a door? Only two of those questions’ answers be a ‘no’, and you should mos def give in and see the delightful Adam to find out what the other one is besides the rhetorical query regarding Frankie’s snuggle softness

Yowzer ‘Browsers!: Peter Gallagher Once Again Named Eyebrow Magazine Man Of The Year and Things That Are Just Barely Thicker Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Adam apples up in NY & LA only today, and elsewhere, elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Shrink
Spacey Cakes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Our shrink in Shrink is Kevin Spacey, who after his wife’s death has been living a full year in filth and pot smoke (thanks to his kooky dealer, played by Jesse Plemons), could use some shrinkage himself. He finds reasons to keep his chin up thru some of his equally down in the dumps patients, Saffron Burrows and Akeelah without a bee, and from his encouraging family and friends, the always grizzled-tastic Robert Loggia and the particularly goofy Mark Webber, who’s trying to worm his way into the pants of Pell James, who works for the malicious Ari Gold-like über-agent Dallas Roberts (this guy needs to be in everything), whose Russel Brand-like client Jack Huston has his own drug and partying demons, and is starring in a horrible film with Robin Williams, who likes to have a lot of sex and do Walter Cronkite impersonations, and of course, is also a patient of Spacey’s. As you can tell, it all comes full circle, and since it does, there’s not much mystery in the outcome for all of our new friends cept that life is screwy and funny and things and stuff and things!

Thomas Moffett‘s second stab at a screenplay is not blowing minds stuff by any imagination of the stretch. Shrink, directed by Jonas Pate, is juss one giant familiar hodgepodge of other hit or miss recent fare about folks living and working in Hollywurst (or those who dwell in some sort of suburban hell), who all end up crossing paths in some (un)happy coincidental way or another. Now juss cause it’s retread city doesn’t mean for a second that it’s not entertaining to watch, cause it is (despite what they say). In a shellnut, Shrink is Entourage meets In Treatment meets What Just Happened? meets The Wackness meets American Beauty meets Crash meets Ordinary People meets Akeelah and the Bee meets any movie where Saffron Burrows is moody AND hot. Man is she hot! One day she’ll replace Susan Sarandon as flyest old lady mt EVERest. Sarandon took that title away from Jessica Tandy after she passed on, and she took over for Mary Todd Lincoln, who was said to be a huge fan of Burrows’ former love Mike Figgis (it’s hip to be square AND full circle!). How Todd Linc was able to see any of his work is anyone’s guess, but we think the great Doc Brown may have had a hand in making it happen

Mad Woman: remember Laura Ramsey?

She was Don Draper’s Palm Springs fling last season on Mad Sex/Men. In Shrink she stretches her talent, playing an aspiring ‘actress’ who has no problem sleeping her way to the top. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, cause you and your mother and wees and our mothers would let her if wees was in that position. Apparently her ladder climbing skills aint juss for the cinematic world but fo the fauxreal world as well, as her first gig was playing ‘herself’ in that awful Real Cancun movie. peep her brief audition tape

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Shrink inks it in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Paul McCartney
Citi Field Shea II
July 17th

Our first trip out to the Mets’ new digs probably should have included Apu’s favorite squadron playing baseball there, but watching Sir Paul McCartney christen the joint, like him and some other 3 mop tops did at the Mets’ former home (now a parking lot), playing 12 barely audible songs to a throng of screaming girls (and men too), was still a rousing and mos rawking introduction. Sure, we’d rather see John Lennon play ‘I Am The Walrus’ live, but we don’t live in a world where dead people play music live. And if John were alive today, he’s probably be making an ass of himself and his legacy, rapping with Snopp Dogg and appearing at MTV music awards with Fall Out Boy (whomever they are). Anywho, Macca’s the living legacy of the Beatles (sorry Ringo), and he’s carried that weight a long time, but he effin and geeing carries it well. The familiar favorites were a treat to finally hear played live (even more so then when we caught his brief gig atop the Ed Sullivan marquee last week). We lost our shit a bunch of times (the drugs, alcohol and Shake Shack burgers certainly helped), reaching it’s shittinglyiest lostness zenith when Charles Manson came out and he belted out ‘Helter Skelter’. Even his solo dizzles, which are classics in their own write (a certain Bond theme song + the one with the jailor man and Sailor Sam), dazzled in the rainy night. The 30+ song setlist (with a few unknown yawns included early on in the 2.5+ houred gig) speaks for itself, and if it doesn’t speak to you then you obviously are more of a Stones fan than a Beatles fan, in which case, you don’t know anything about nuttin

‘Drive My Car’
‘Jet’
‘Only Mama Knows’
‘Flaming Pie’
‘Got To Get You Into My Life’
‘Let Me Roll It’
‘Highway’
‘The Long and Winding Road’
‘My Love’
‘Blackbird’
‘Here Today’
‘Dance Tonight’
‘Calico Skies’
‘Mrs. Vanderbilt’
‘Eleanor Rigby’
‘Sing the Changes ‘
‘Band on the Run’
‘Back in the U.S.S.R.’
‘I’m Down’
‘Something’
‘I’ve Got a Feeling’
‘Paperback Writer’
‘A Day in the Life’/’Give Peace a Chance’
‘Let It Be’
‘Live and Let Die’
‘Hey Jude’

FIRST ENCORE
‘Day Tripper’
‘Lady Madonna’
‘I Saw Her Standing There (with Billy Joel)

SECOND ENCORE
‘Yesterday’
‘Helter Skelter’
‘Get Back’
‘Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise)’/’The End’

The love we took from Paul will never equal to the love he makes… whatever that means. be sure to catch him and his band on the run for maximum fun

mad pics over at BVeggie

Klauder Crab Feast XVII
July 18th

no summer would be complete without Klauder’s annual crab fest and this summer was like last summer and thus was no eggception. we had crabs and it had nothing to do with crusty penises and vaginas. we had Iron City Beer and we loved it. we later were so filled with crab juice and crab lungs and crab guts that we played topless beer pong. sadly none of the girls played. CRABS!!! it’s a Maryland thing, you wouldn’t understand, herspecially if yer from Virginia, cause Virigina’s not for lovers, but for losers. seriously it is, check VA’s state constitution for proof

July19th

(500) Days of Summer
Fair Weather Girlfriend
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Finally a hyped up Fox Searchlight film that hactually lives up to its billing!! No quirkyness for the sake of being quirky here! OK, there are quirks to be had in (500) Days of Summer (split screens! b&w French New Wave homages! dancing in the streets with cartoon birds!, all dough the bus filled with Deschanels somehow didn’t make the cut), but they enhance the experience, not take away from it. What also sets Days days apart from all the other crap out there, especially any film involving Sandra Bullock, romance or both, is that the characters are real actual human beings, having real actual life emotions and really trying to deal with them! No sugar coating to be found here in Marc Webb‘s feature length directorial debut, with a clever, but not thaaaaaat clever script by Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber. We know right from the start, cause the narrator tells us at the start that Tom (Joseph Gordo
n-Levitt, who’s starting to look like his 10 Things I Hate About Jews co-star Ledger, and acting up to his level as well) and Summer (Zooey Deschanel, with eyes that every hipster has JOed to)’s relationship is doomed to fail, and yet as we watch the 500 up and down days play out in non-sequential order, we hope and hope and hope that the narrator made a mistake. Every guy’s been in JG-L’s shoes and every girl has at one point raised the roof aloof like the cream dream Zooey does here. The same would be true if the roles were reversed, but who really wants to watch another movie where the girl gets dumped upon? While everything feels so real (fo’reals!), the flick unspools a bit too quickly, and never reaches the profoundness we thought it was going to deliver. It’s telling when the final scene from The Graduate is shown and holds more meaning to the audience than any of the great stuff seen in the movie we’re hactually watching. Tom & Summer aint no Ben & Elaine, but then again, who are? At least they don’t drive a yellow VW van or use hamburger phones for the sake of doing so like fake movie people do

Making Up For Lost Thyme: she’s barely in the movie, and we wished she barely wore clothes, but the real travesty is that TWS is purty much been Minka Kellyless (sorry, we haven’t watched a single ep of FNL). we promise not to make this mistake ever again

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Summer is currently shinning is select cities across America

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

but wait, there’s mo!!

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Less Than Zero
by Bret Easton Ellis

we forgot that reading books isn’t as hard as it sounds (that’s what she said), so we made the effort to read our third Ellis novel after the INandUMcredible American Psycho and the passable Informers (both made into lousy films). problem is is is is we saw the even less than zero Less Than Zero movie ages ago (watch the lame trailer here), which starred 2/3rds of the men from Pretty In Pink AND Mannequin + Jami Gertz (who oddly enuff was on last night’s Entourage) and a very very very very wild Robert Downey Jr, so we couldn’t help but picture those actors as the characters the entire time we read the book, which was really confusing since the movie barely resembles the book’s characters and plotting, but it’s probably impossible to make a movie out of that book which is basically 190 pages of coke and cock snorting, indifference, and even more coke and cock snorting, with about 17 pages of creepy weird shiz, like a snuff video and the raping of a 12 year old girl. anywho, it’s a book, it was semi-entertaining, we finished it, and now another 6 months will pass before we read another. that’s not hactually true, as August is our beach month and we plan to read more novels that may or may not include coke and cock snorting, although we’re more into non-fiction, and would love some coke and cock snorting non-fiction recommendations peas!

Public Enemies
The Touchables
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Tommy guns, riding on the sides of cars and bank robberies rule the day, while hiding out, gettin drizunk and womanizing rule the night in Michael Mann‘s fun, yet not too deep look at the life of John Dillinger (a steady, but unspectacular Johnny Depp), his gangsta cronies (Faramir! Stephen Dorff!!!!!!!! + an electrifying, but little screentimed Stephen Graham as Baby Face Nelson) and the G-men who sought to bring them all down (anyone else getting sick of Christian Bale? + a scene chewing, James Cagney impression spewing Billy Crudup). Mann’s well suited for this job, having made many a memorable gun fight friendly ficks over the past 3 decades, and with a cast overloaded with talent and beauty (Marion Cotillard, John Ortiz (loves him), Branka Katic, Rory Cochrane, Carey Mulligan (loves her, and we lovesed her first!!), Giovanni Ribisi, Emilie de Ravin, Lili Taylor, Shawn Hatosy (he’s like a fake Brad Renfro), Leelee Sobieski & Channing Tatum, juss to name 1/16th of the cast), it’s a catastrophe of the highest order that the film looks like absolute hell. We aint talking about the costumes, hairdos, props or sets, cause they all are flawless, especially since they shot at the real locations, but wees talkin about how the film was shot using HD cameras and not ye olde film stock. That kinda 80s camcorder home video look worked to great effect with his gritty ditties Collateral and Miami Vice, but for a period piece like this, it almos ruined the whole affair. You probably won’t care or notice, but we certainly did, as any scene that included light bulbs or bright outdoor light resulted in a whoreriffic motion blur appearance that completely drove us insane mad batty crazy. Zodiac was also shot in HD, and that’s one of the mos beautiful, warm colored films we’ve ever seen, so what gives? C’mon Mike, next time be a Mann and make yer solid period piece movie look like a movie and not like a solid piece of shit

No Harmon No Foul: there have been several Dillinger related flicks that came before, but none of them sound that memorable, esp the TV one starring Mark Harmon, but we’re quite curious to take a look at John Milius’ 1973 entry, starring Warren Oates as JD + Ben Johnson, Michelle Phillips, Cloris Leachman, Harry Dean Stanton, and Richard Dreyfuss as Baby Face Nelson!!

Verdictgo: despite our moanin & groanin tis still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Homecoming
A Futile Attraction
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We pity poor Mischa Barton, and it has nothing to do with looking eggszactly like her brother Falkor. She left our beloved OC on her terms, the show fell apart w/o her, and her career fell apart w/o it (somewhere Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows are raised in disappointment). Most of her post-‘California, here we come‘ work has either gone straight to video or should have if it didn’t in the first place. Homecoming is yet another brick in her unwatchable wall that keeps growing by the year. In this amateurish movie, she plays Shelby, a girl stuck in her hometown with a mountain of debt and a mountain of love for her star quarterback ex-boyfriend (Matt Long), who shipped off to college months prior and already shacked up with a 90210 hottie mcgee (Jessica Stroup). Things come to a head, and a bore fest, when the b-friend & his new g-friend come home for… HOMECOMING and Barton thinks she can woo him back into her arms. Obviously that aint happening, and after some unhappy coincidences, Mischa traps her rival in her house, ties her up to a bed and drugs her aplenty. Sounds familiar? Yeah, we liked it too when it was called Misery, and this teen-y version is simply miserable. Sure wish that Annie Wilkes had chopped up the screenwriter of Homecoming to bits before one word of it had ever been put to paper. The only solution we see to turn around Barton’s fleeting career is to call on a voodoo priestess and bring Marissa Cooper back from the dead

Coop de Ill: there were two Marissa Cooper shirts we always wanted to get, but never did. the former Thighmistress got us this one, which always gets us odd looks by passersby (as do our manboobs)

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Died Young, Stayed Pretty
Poster Children
Official Website & Trailer

Posters sell and advertise stuff. Some are used to do just that for bands and their concerts (looky here at GigPosters.com for a ton of em). It’s an art form fo sho and the artists who art them art’nt necessarily swimming in riches and fame. Died Young, Stayed Pretty is a documentary aiming to give ’em some of dat recognition that they deserve, but it’s not nearly as interesting as director Eileen Yaghoobian‘s last name. After about 15 minutes, you get the entire picture, so for the rest of the time you get more of the same: look at this poster, OK, look at 32838 more, OK, now lets talk to the poster designer about designing them, OK, now repeat, repeat and poster, peat, re, designer, talk, poster, things, stuff, is this thing still on?, hey, there’s Frank Kozik, but why are they only talking to him for 8 seconds when he was like the semi-forefather to these poster peoples? repeat, repeat, more posters, chit chat, some wit here and there, even more posters, aiiight, wait, how come they’re only talking about today’s poster makers? what about a lil history, like the dudes in the 60s who started it all, like Milton Glaser? Oh yeah, he has his own separate doc, and peeps like Kozik and many others were dones up in another called American Artifact. So what’s the point of all this dying young and staying pretty? Don’t really know, but we think it has something to do with posters

Poster Haste: outside of movie posters and this set dedicated to Yiddish words, here lie our mos flavorite posters mt EVERest (with much respek to Uncle S & Rosie the R)

Verdictgo: for poster addicts only, so Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Enemies be already playings at a theater near jews, while Stayed Pretty gets ugly in NY only, and Homecoming will soon be leaving screens in NY, LA and KY?

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…