Thighs Wide Shut

Spank the good lord that July is over. Sure, it started on a high note, with Sis getting hitched with Smits in tow, but it pretty much all went to shit after that. Yeah, there was the whole job thing, and those nasty crabs I couldn’t get out of my crotch, but nothing typified the month better than last night’s Duran Duran show at the Tommy Hilfiger whored-out Jones Beach. Now don’t get me wrong, the fellaz put on one rockin arsed show last nite, as they also did this past April, but they made one huge mistake than made yer TMaster more irate than Al Iafrate: NOT PLAYING ‘HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF’!?!?!?!? WHAT THE SPORK??? That’s like the Bible not mentioning Jesus!!! I’ll stop myself there, before I become Jim Mora Jr Jr, and start to look forwards, not borewards. For August is already shaping up to be a better month. I mean, there’s NFL pre-season fooball this SATURDAY!!!

• First there was Make Poverty History, then Make Lohag History, and now, Damon A’s Make Doherty History. Where does it end? Chris Makepeace History?

• The fall in NY juss got a lil bit more fun with the announcement of the Across the Pond concert series, featuring the Pixies, Beck, Oasis, Killers, Gang Of Four, Jet, Belle & Sebastian, the New York Dolls, and many mo to come. The shows will be held simultaneously at Keyspan Park in Brooklyn and Richmond County Bank Ballpark in Staten Island, on Rocktober 1-2. [via The Shop]

• One of my 47882356y7778gb5 prayers have been answered: Wild Palms, James Belushi’s best work since Taking Care of Business (aka Filofax), to be released on DVD ROCKTOBER 4th!

• A man has been charged with the Charlotte church murder. If she’s forked the peacelled then who be the one turning down Chicago and Wonderbra?

• A 10th planet has been discovered, but will it be more popular than Pluto Nash, co-starring the Best Albino?

• Cpt Zzzzz really needs to stop hanging out with people who wear monocles

• Peep the vid to Supergrass’ new jazzle ‘St Petersburg’

• The Quarterly List of Admissible and Prohibited (Porno) Titles, prepared by Canada’s Border Services Agency

• Earth.Google.com [via The Thinker]

• Why are there so many spices in the Spice Islands?

• Free passes in various big titties cities to see The 40-Year-Old Virgin

• The Mustache Database

• Random Mario flash animationism [via Paxman]

• World’s Largest Basket

• Ackbar, you never cease to amaze me…

[via Cassons Go Rolling Along]

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Sithing Thru The Rubble To Find Gold
View Trailers

So what if I tore Sith a new arsehole on my first tour of doodie? Aren’t I allowed to see it again, sans the pressures of opening night bananasnessness, whilst checking my prejudices and preconceived notions, potions, and lotions at the door? And why am I even bothering to pose questions, when I answer to no one, cept maybe my bosses, Jesus, and Papa & Mumsy Thigh Master? Copy, Right? DataWhat? Sugar, Mr Poon? Free of any more queries, I am happy to report that after my round 2 viewage I’m elevating this from ‘Not Awful’ to ‘Worth A Peep’ status (although you’ll still be able to find the olde negative one on the pull-down menu on yer lower left hand side).

So why the sudden shift in opinion? My sudden shift in opinion all has to do with the how this Episode fits into the grand scheme of things with the other 5. Sure, we don’t learn anything new here, but it helps to solidify, what is in my mind, the mos remarkable myth & legend of our (ms) modern age. And whether you or I like it or not, these three new episodes are dunn and in the can, and there aint no turning back… unless of course these rumors on the interwebs about Episode Zero are true. Now I haven’t had the pleasure of re-watching New Hope thru ROTJ since, but I did re-viddy Eps I & II over the Mammoryial Day Tweakend and have a new fondness for them booth. I can’t bee leave I just typed the words ‘fondness’ and ‘Eps I & II’ in the same SENTENCE, but tits true!! All the stoopid and seemingly tedious politics that bogged down the first two were all juss a giant set-up for the big payoff: the greatest coup and rise of a dictator since Hitler took over the watermelon industry. Plus it was great to get rid of all those meaningless Penis-Head Jenkins Jedis and to see how Ani morphed into Darth… even if it seemed he made his decision to join the dark side in all of 3.1 seconds.

Don’t spunk me wrong, there are still whoreibble and unEGGSceptable bits that got even more awfulisticular on the second viewing of Ep III, and plenty of other stizz that gots me angry, such as:

1) The over usage of dinosaur-type creatures. They make too much noise, look too fake, and I think the world’s seen enuff Jurassicfication in movies.

2) Anything coming out of Mace Windex’s mouth. SLJ is a gifted actor, but not a gifted Jedi. Boo.

3) General Grievous, who was about as menacing and cutting age as Johnny Five.

4) You stick us with Jar-Jar for 2 movies, yet you don’t even give him ONE LINE in the last one??? I guess Lucas made up for it on the not so spiffy special edition of ROTJ when the very last line uddered is ‘Weesa Free!!’ Seriously, it is.

5) Enuff with the fat blue dudes and skinny chicks with tentacles coming out of their heads.

6) Words I never wanted Yoda to ever say: ‘Chewbacca’.

7) Apparently in his old age, R2-D2 retired from flying, jumping out of planes, shooting oil, shooting fire, and catching things. Good, cause he should only be allowed to shut down things, show hologram movies, retrieve schematics, shoot light-sabers from his head, and fix the hyper-drive on the Millennium Falcon.

8) Love for Mon Mothma, but none for The Admiral? Sounds like it’s A TRAP to me!!

9) Enuff already with the Asian stereotyping. I was juss waiting for Nute to appoint General Tso as Supreme Vince Chancellor.

10) This could never end, so please insert your complaints here.

And for the record, Phantom Menace, void of all Jar² Binksedness, is a far superior flick wheneth compared to Attack of the Clowns. Don’t agree? Remember how umcredible Qui-Gon Jinn & Darth Maul were? Or how white-hot Keira Knightley was in white-face, when she wasn’t even a blip on anyone’s radar? Probably not, cause yer too busying trying to figure out why the fork Count Grandpa and the Techno Union eggsist, or where you can buy one of those cable-knit sweaters that Jimmy Smits rox!! Or how bout the ‘plot’? Oh yeah, the 2nd one didn’t have one. It was basically: Ani has boner for Padme, Padme resists, Ani slices apple with force, Padme lets Ani force himself on her, Padme gets shirt ripped (probably the next hottiest Star Wars moment next to Leia wearing Jabba’s Secret brand metal lingerie), Boba’s dad’s super sperm creates CGI headaches for audiences, and apparently bug people fart when they talk. And tisn’t it about thyme we all give lil Jake Lloyd a break? He was a kid playing a kid. What do you want him to do? Throw away his space Legos and stop hanging out with mini-Greedo? He was good enuff. Good enuff considering the lines Lucas was feeding him. At least he didn’t look like he was left in the dryer for 14 hours like Yoda did in Ep I. And don’t even get me started on female Yoda…

Recommended for those who like: space operas filled with bubbles, a silent Sio Bibble, and this.

Possible Porno Name: Star Holes III: Whip It Out & Sith It In!

Unsatisfied with this? You shouldn’t be. I changed my mind and you can too!

Everyone have a killah weekend, but whatevs u do, DO NOT see Lords of Dogtown. I’ll eggsplain it all next week. Until then, the balcony is clothed.