Tag Archives: Diora Baird

Thighs Wide Movies 2006

31. Jan, 2007 1 Comment

The Top Tenors
Plus 2 That Are Legit
& Don’t Need 2 Quit


1) The Devil & Daniel Johnston
2) Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple
3) Children of Men
4) Bubble
5) Sophie Scholl
6) Once In A Lifetime:
The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos
7) 13 (Tzameti)
8) Flags of Our Fathers
9) Babel
10) Infamous
11) Only Human
12) The Notorious Bettie Page

G Sauce & Special Love goes out to Spike Lee’s When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts

3rd Annual
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

They Coulda Been A Contender

Strangers With Candy
Running With Scissors
Marie Antoinette
Da Vinci Code
V for Vendetta
Inland Empire

Puilty Gleasures

The Quiet
When A Stranger Calls
Nanny McPhee
Scary Movie 4

Trailers Worth Tractoring

A Scanner Darkly
An Inconvenient Truth
Borat
Brick
Children of Men
The Departed
The Last King of Scotland
The Notorious Bettie Page
The Pursuit of Happyness
V for Vendetta

& the one tune that sold the movie

Jay-Z And Linkin Park’s ‘Numb/Encore’ [d]
from the Miami Vice trailer

& the one trailer mos not worth tractoring

Deck The Halls

Post Her
Post Me
Post Haste!

& the wurstest one

Mos Unwanted Genre

•

40s/50s Los Angeles Flicks
which begat
Ben Affleck playin guitar & singin in Spanish
& Hillary Swank as vom inducing sex kitten

(F)unreleased

Colour Me Kubrick

Bestest Movies I Netflixed


Porn To Be Wild

The Road Into Laura San Giacomo’s Crotch
(The Road to Guantanamo)
Twatsi
(Tsotsi)
69 (All Sweaty)
(13 (Tzameti))
Akili Smith and Deez Nuts On His Tonsils
(Akeelah & The Bee)
The Notorious Bettie Page Loves B.I.G. C.O.C.K.
(The Notorious Bettie Page)
Holly Lands Wood
(Hollywoodland)
Jizzum Candy: A Cock and Balls Story
(Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story)
Why We Fist, starring Bill Frist
(Why We Fight)
Cuming On The Scissor Sisters
(Running With Scissors)
The Three Anal-Holes of Erik Estrada
(The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada)
Mini’s First Time
(Mini’s First Time)

Most Cpt Overlooked Performance

dude who played Tony Blair in The Queen

For Some Reason You Annoy Me So Go Away

Joseph Cross

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Oren Skoog
Burn Gorman
London Bridges
Benedict Cumberbatch

Sorriest Eggscuse for
An Episode of 24
That Doesn’t Star Edgar
But Does Co-Star Sledgehammer!

The Sentinel

Mos Eggsalad Bjork Turns Into A Knife Slashin’ Whale Movie
That Was More Watchable
Than Inland Empire

Drawing Restraint 9

The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious
Mos Overhyped Movie
For No Reason

Little Miss Snoozeshine

Welcome To The House, Dolls

Diora Baird

Sophia Myles

Julia Jentsch

Misty Dawn Wilkins

Ellen Page

Svetlana Metkina

Mía Maestro

Abbie Cornish

The Death to Smoochy Award
for Worstest Picture of the Year

Inland Empire
For Your Consideration
Lady In The Water
Poseidon
Pirates 2
Keeping Up With The Steins

Movies To Look For In The ‘007

Thank You For Cock Smoking
Full Nelson
Big Momma’s House of Pancakes
American Dreamz II: American Dreamzz
Akeelah and the C++
The Wicker Basket Man
Moses Camp
The Last King of Scottie’s Tissue
The Santa Clause 4: Clause Kinski
Lucky Number Slate
6 Fast, 6 Furious
•

Papa’s Pix

1) Water
2) Little Miss Sunshine
3) The Queen
4) The Departed
5) Notes on A Scandal
6) The Painted Veil
7) Borat
8) Little Children
9) Brick
10) The History Boys
11) Sweet Land
12) Jesus Camp
13) Catch the Fire

Honorable Mention
10 Items or Less
The Boynton Beach Bereavement Club
20 Centimeters
U-Carmen e-Khayelitsha


don’t forget to peep out our ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!!

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1 Comment

Hewitt-(Meat)Packer

04. Oct, 2006 0 Comments

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
Almost A Better Prequel Than S’Wars: Eps II & III
Trailer

If yer cinematic wet dream consisted of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman torturing Oliver from season 1 of The OC, while the asscrack of Jordana Brewster [Buttlooker] GI Joe crawled to and fro, then you my fiend will be write at home with this not so sorry eggscuse for the 6th installment of the Texas Chainsaw franchise (7th, if you somehow include Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers as part of the collection, considering it did star OG Leatherface, Gunnar Hansen). While not all together that scary, like say, Jesus Camp [TWS review], TTCM:TB sure is a helluva lot mo entertaining than that blah-ful remake from the ’03 [TWS review]. Seems like the producers learned one very important thang from that failed go around: peoples loves them some evil R. Lee Ermey (the aforementioned Hartman from Full Metal Jacket, for those not in the nose), and this dose is chock full of him, as Leatherface’s surrogate father. And since this is an ‘origin’ story we are ‘treated’ to the bovious revelations:
-Leatherface’s odd birth, check
-learning to cleave meat, check
-takes first victim, check
-town shuts down leaving only the crazies behind, check
-recieves his Fisher Price My Very First Chainsaw, check
-takes the face of another which lends him his nickname and leads to the bestest John Travolta/Nic Cage poopfest mt everest, check
-John Larroquette voice over, check!

Well, that about covers it kids. In 5 simple werds: it aint all that bad. And if it was, you would mos certainly hear about it from yers drooly. OK, so it coulda used 84 non-stop minutes of nudity, but I was satisfied enuff lookin at a clothed Diora Baird when I knew dang well that the interwebs was full of her frontalness. WOAH!!


[click and watch the pic and yer penis grow bigger!!]

Unsatisfied with this?: NETFLIX THE DANG ORIGINAL WHICH IS THE SCARIEST MOVIE EVER PUT ON CELLUOID HANDS and THIGHS DOWN, and if yous already seen it, see it again!!!

Possible Porno Name: The Texas Instrument Up Yer Ass Occurred: The Bleeding

Apt MPupil3: The Cannibal Song by Jiminy Cricket & Rica Moore [d visa Paul’s Rams]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): cunts bee leave it, but Jeepers Kevin DuckWorth A Peepers

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