Thighs Wide Shut

I demand a recount and a bean count! This is the biggest bamboozledment since Bush swindled the 2000 election AND the Spike Lee joint Bamboozled. You tellin me that out of the 250,000+ scumbag men that AskMen.com polled, they were able to find 29 hottier lizadies than Her Royal Thighness The II???? WHAT!RT$#!Y%H#$?@?#$ Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to join the sorority that is Catherine-Zeta-Jones-Omega-Mu-Douglas, throw some Monica Bluecheese into a tossed salad, dock my long ship in Natalie’s Port, man, and Knight Keira with my shlong, but some of these choices!@!#!$$ J Aniston, Becky Romijn O’Connell, Angelina Blowslee, or Selma Hemlich? Their ‘ginas be more mad crustier than Rip Van Winkle’s eyelids! Or how bout Lohanski? YUCK… she doesn’t even look right with a cak in her mouth, let alone a Photoshopped one. Jennifer Garner? She’s the kind of girl you play Connect Four with, not put on all fours. Let the debate continue, but be sure yous peep the list yoself. [thanks Skeeter & Druken StepPa for the heads up]

– If you didn’t hear, (clinton)Portishead and New Order are a go for Coachella.

– Major congratulations to Grambo, Scottie, Fluxie, Deflowerher, and The Boy With the Large Heart (all personal flavs) for being nominated for ‘Best Entertainment Weblog’ at the 2005 Bloggies. Too bad you can’t even vote for any of em cause the Bloggies have eggceeded their bandwidth. How ironic is that criz?!?! And thanks to none of you for voting me as ‘Blogger Most Likely To Spend Time In Jail’…

– Peace the fork out C Subway Line!! Who said the homeless were good for nothing?

– Ben Stiller, Samuel L, Judith Law, and Kate Winslow are all game for Ricky G’s latest creation Extras.

– Best Sundance starspotting of the week: garage attendant from Ferris Bueller’s Day off.

– Ringo to STARR in a Stan Lee cartoon. Nowhere Man could not be reached for comment cause he was too busy making nowhere plans for nobody.

– I cunt beeleave I’m 2 years older than the finest chili parlor south of the Mason-Dixon line. Anywho, Happy 25th Hard Times Cafe!!! You know I like mine all the way wet [SFW]!!! Also, big ups to Dr Neil Murray for giving JK Rawls her third child.

– I think we all missed out on the cash cow that is selling Team Zissou Adidas shoes.

– Sick of using Orbuttz, Travelsuckity, and Exbrokia for yer travel needs? Peep Qixo for a change of pace. [via Chillary G Funk Era]

– Ever see a two-headed lamb? Ever seen a grown man nakkid?

– Finally, wanna join my Oscar Pool? 10 bones to enter and winner takes all!! There is no tiebreaker, so a tie will divvy the monies. To join is simple! Click here, make picks, join my group (‘Thighs R Us’, password is ‘cuthbert’), and then email me with what yer entry name and then I’ll give you an address to send in yer $10 entry fee. Good luck bizatches!!

Welcome to one of El Thigh Master’s most flavorite times of the year: Oscar Season. In my book, it’s right up there with the Redskins, Elisha Cuthbert, Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, and Passover. So this is the first of many posts dedicated to the world’s mos important awards. That’s right, cause all other awards in compare-A$$-on are udderly meaningless. I mean, can you name who won the 1978 Nobel Peace Prize in any category? Didn’t think so, but I Ladell Betts you knew that Annie Hall triumphed over Star Wars @ that year’s ceremony. Anywhozitz, stay tuned for mucho hotness, like our Top Ten of 2004 + the 1st Annual Thighs Wide Movie Awards. And for the first time ever, I’m going to open up my Oscar Pool to the public!!! Details 4thcumming. In the meantime, after taking a super qwik glance at the noms, here’s my predications for who WILL win, not SHOULD win. All in due thyme…

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Don Cheadle – HOTEL RWANDA

Johnny Depp – FINDING NEVERLAND

Leonardo DiCaprio – THE AVIATOR

Clint Eastwood – MILLION DOLLAR BABY

Jamie Foxx – RAY

Winner: Foxxxxxxy brown

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Alan Alda – THE AVIATOR

Thomas Haden Church – SIDEWAYS

Jamie Foxx – COLLATERAL

Morgan Freeman – MILLION DOLLAR BABY

Clive Owen – CLOSER

Winner: Dude from wings. I mean, Sidelays has to win something.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Annette Bening – BEING JULIA

Catalina Sandino Moreno – MARIA FULL OF GRACE

Imelda Staunton – VERA DRAKE

Hilary Swank – MILLION DOLLAR BABY

Kate Winslet – ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

Winner: How can anyone knock out the Next Karate Kid? I dunno, but I think Imelda may win in a HUGE upset.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Cate Blanchett – THE AVIATOR

Laura Linney – KINSEY

Virginia Madsen – SIDEWAYS

Sophie Okonedo – HOTEL RWANDA

Natalie Portman – CLOSER

Winner: Cate ‘Wet’ Blanket

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

THE INCREDIBLES

SHARK TALE

SHREK 2

Winner: Forking Shark Tale gets a nom? WHAT!@$R$%%^&&!! The Incs to the dome piece!!

ART DIRECTION

THE AVIATOR

FINDING NEVERLAND

LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT

Winner: Lemony’s Snizzle, edging out Shlong Engagement

CINEMATOGRAPHY

THE AVIATOR

HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT

Winner: Howard Hughes: The Borefest

COSTUME DESIGN

THE AVIATOR

FINDING NEVERLAND

LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

RAY

TROY

Winner: Marty Scorcesese’s Eyebrows

DIRECTING

THE AVIATOR

MILLION DOLLAR BABY

RAY

SIDEWAYS

VERA DRAKE

Winner: Dirty Harry

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE

BORN INTO BROTHELS

THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL

SUPER SIZE ME

TUPAC: RESURRECTION

TWIST OF FAITH

Winner: Super Jizz Me

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT

AUTISM IS A WORLD

THE CHILDREN OF LENINGRADSKY

HARDWOOD

MIGHTY TIMES: THE CHILDREN’S MARCH

SISTER ROSE’S PASSION

Winner: whichever one is about the Holocaust or suffering

FILM EDITING

THE AVIATOR

COLLATERAL

FINDING NEVERLAND

MILLION DOLLAR BABY

RAY

Winner: zzzzzzzzzzz Aviatbore

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

AS IT IS IN HEAVEN

THE CHORUS

DOWNFALL

THE SEA INSIDE

YESTERDAY

Winner: Sea Inside, in a sympathy win for not being nominated for any other fizz. WTF????????

MAKEUP

LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

THE SEA INSIDE

Winner: Lemony

MUSIC (SCORE)

FINDING NEVERLAND

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

LEMONY SNICKET’S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

THE VILLAGE

Winner: Jesus

MUSIC (SONG)

“Accidentally In Love” – SHREK 2

“Al Otro Lado Del Río” – THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES

“Believe” – THE POLAR EXPRESS

“Learn To Be Lonely” – THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

“Look To Your Path (Vois Sur Ton Chemin)” – THE CHORUS

Winner: Phantom Poopie

BEST PICTURE

THE AVIATOR

FINDING NEVERLAND

MILLION DOLLAR BABY

RAY

SIDEWAYS

Winner: Corey Dillon Dollar Baby

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

BIRTHDAY BOY

GOPHER BROKE

GUARD DOG

LORENZO

RYAN

Winner: er, um, uh, Lorenzo

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

EVERYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY MUST

LITTLE TERRORIST

7:35 IN THE MORNING

TWO CARS, ONE NIGHT

WASP

Winner: er, um, uh, Little Terrorist

SOUND EDITING

THE INCREDIBLES

THE POLAR EXPRESS

SPIDER-MAN 2

Winner: The Incs

SOUND MIXING

THE AVIATOR

THE INCREDIBLES

THE POLAR EXPRESS

RAY

SPIDER-MAN 2

Winner: Spidey 2

VISUAL EFFECTS

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

I, ROBOT

SPIDER-MAN 2

Winner: All deserve it, but Spidey 2

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

BEFORE SUNSET

FINDING NEVERLAND

MILLION DOLLAR BABY

THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES

SIDEWAYS

Winner: Matt & Kevin Dillon Dollar Baby

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

THE AVIATOR

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

HOTEL RWANDA

THE INCREDIBLES

VERA DRAKE

Winner: Eternal. C’mom, Hollyweird, where’s the love?

Can you beeleaveski that Mischa Mishka and Bartjams turneth 19 today? She’s so very fine, like Veryfine drinks, that she could pass for 29. I bet her favorite team is the SF 49ers. And she’s so hot and licious that I’d even find time out of my busy schedule to 69 her. And she’s so un-like her ugly dog brother Falkor, that she actually put the OH in Ohio. Did I mention that croquet never looked THIS good?

– What do you a buy a Chilean performance artist who’s covering her naked body with raw meat? Hats of Meat, duhvs! By the lame, does anyone know whatever happened to HatsOfMeat.com?

– Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game HERE! [via Navi via BeantownSportsGuy]

– If Jamie Foxx doesn’t win the Best Actor Oscar, Chris Rock is going to steal one ‘ from one of the sound or light people that win and give it to him.’

– Audrey Tautou possib on board for Opie’s da Da Vinci Code. Look, I love the wide-eyed French femme, but is this going to make the movie too sugary and cutesy? Regardless, the only thing that would keep me from seeing it would be if they cast Vince Vaughn.

– Last week during the Inauguration festives, CBS shmaltz specialist Steve Hartman headed to DC in search of President Bush in the flesh. Along the way he petted an armadillo, sat on a cow, paid a visit and cash to a scalper, took in a Hilary Muff performance, and yes, finally caught a glimpse of The Double-U himself.

– Have you been terribly jonesing since the days that fat Star Wars Kid took over the world (the Psycho remix is a personal flav)? Well, I guess we could call this a sequel [speakers ON]. And by this, I mean a fat kid gettin all jiggy to a Romanian techno song, on a webcam. Gawd bless the internerd. [much loved link via Ceffle]

– And whilst wees at-at it, why not take a peep at this video remix thingie about how messed up our gov’mint is. [via Juwanamaker]

– Five Things You Didn’t Know About Natalie Portman, but really won’t care to remember either!

– Is the world really ready for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo? Well, I know my dad is.

– Noel Gallagher hates Christmas.

– Nevada Judge Throws Out Lap-Dance Law

– Cuthbert pic w/NSFW see-thru top? Sounds too good to be true, cause it probably is… [via Clevetown Mustard King] Instead, how bout something so real, it’ll make you wet your pants in a good way, like its twin pic did to you last go around…

Me peepholes, you have forspoken and spoked that you love spotting a drummer. Therefore it shall remain a part of your days and your nights, juss how we all wanted Charles to be in charge.

And now for a bunch of music criz before the real kniz fiz riz shiz:

– This was my flavorite site around this time last year, and it has quickly recaptured my love once again. Bless you Ms Burned By and yer ultimate page of pre-Coachella goodness!

– Speaking of, looks like you can count The Archdukes/The Other FFs in, and probably U2, although we’ll have to wait until Monday when the announce the full details of the World Tour, which begins in late March, Chargers style.

UPPPPPDATE: How does Coachella with Jay-Z, Lincoln Park, Garbage, Bjork, Prince, Smiths sound???!!!??!?!? Go to ProductPops for more scoopage/rumorage!!

– Charlatans UK frontman Tim Burgess will be guest DJing at Don Hill’s Saturday the 29th. It was also double as a semi-release party for the Chemical Bros’ latest Push The Button.

– Dreskin, Field Day, the environment, permits. Sounds like 2003 all over again.

– Next Tuesday, Ted Leo + many a special guests will be playing a very special benefit show at Rothko. More info here.

Back to your regularlaly scheduled linkgramming…

– You may have seen that pic of Lohan spitting floating round the net, which is actually an outtake from the Mean Girls DVD, but I bet ewes haven’t with the mos perfect caption. Or how bout in animated gif form, made by the great Mr Shane-Shane?!

– The cage match the world’s all been waiting for: ex-Redskin shitbum Michael Westbrook VS ex-Giant-turned-sorta-actor Jarrod Bunch! I hear the winner gets to fight Manute Bol! [via My Man Marvkus]

– File under gifts for Siamese twins: The SMITTEN Mitten. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The lovely Louvre will open its doors and glass pyramids to Opie and his film version of da Da Vinci Code.

– I meant to post this yestershizz, but peep Roller Girl’s Jenna Bush vs Jenna Jameson thingamajig.

– Much belated congrats to JP H-Lister for his D.I.Y. Zissou Adidas Kicks making the pages of USA Today.

– Artistic Tanks… not the kind that blow up things.

– She F%#king Mars.

– And FINALLY, I found some pre-release hotness of Her Royal Thighness the II’s (Cuthy Cuthbert for those of you WHO ARE REsTARTED) next joint, House of Wax, which will probably end up being as un-umcredible as her last flick, Dick Tease: The Movie. Apparently she had a reason for dying her scumdeliumptious blond hair… so she could get all dirty and nasty and rub up against that Tween heartthrob Chad Michael Murray, who has also co-starrred alongside such on their way out hotties as LLski and Hildawgo Muff. [pics via JoBlo]

– I’m happy to report that it looks like things are getting back to normal in Thailand… like teaching their elephants to paint, dance, play musical instruments, and of course, take dumps like you and mies van der Rohe. What’s left to teach them? The courtesy flush? [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Guess where I’ll be May 22nd? At GW’s graduation to hear commencement speaker Andy Rooney. Great idea Colonials. He’ll really inspire them kids to do great things, like hate paper clips and they way people drive.

– Guess where I won’t be ever? Lil Kim’s clam bake. Microwaved tunafish nastinessness!!! [totally NSFWness via Pink Parts]

– Move over BK, cause this woman’s vagina is the real home of the whopper.

– Happy belated b-day to Mumsy ThighMaster (don’t worry, I called her yesterday). And a merry 35th b-day to Skeet Ulrich. The coolest thing about u is when Chris Rock introduced Johnny Depp as ‘a richman’s Skeet Ulrich‘.

– In the Gawd Help Us All department… David Brent signs on for Mission Impossible III, there’s gonna be a Spaceballs: The Cartoon, and a pastability of Taxi Driver II!?!?! Yuckerkarkq^iab#h$yikes!! Lettuce all pray they aint thinking about making Taxi II. [2nd link via Brad Foreskin and 3rd via The Fid Diddler]

– I love that I’m huge in Norway and StereoScizzle is bigger there than Jesus AND IMDB!!

– Is Kaylee DeFer the new Jessica Alba? I dunno, maybe we’ll need a rear view like this before making such a call.

– Todd Phillips apparently left the Borat movie because he’s a patriotic pu$$y.

– Chewbacca and Princess Leia, like you’ve never seen them before.

– Few things beat the whole burning sensation one’s testes acquire after teabagging Bilbo Baggins with some eggnog raggin flaggins. Is it safe to say that Peabs is our generation’s ee cummingsonmyface? Bozzle!

– Ooops, I did it again. But this time it was my stalking of the other Spears, J-L stizz, that put me behind bars. Damn you Trent and all your fingers that be firmly on the pulse.

– Finally, Mischa who?

UPDATE: Fiery Furnaces are a GO for Coachella!! For the love of funnel cakes, please don’t place them in a smelly tent!!