Thighs Wide Shut

The Thighs Spies are at it again, and the word, my friends and Romanians, is good. Hacktually, more than good. More like couldalmostbethegreatestthingstoeverhappen good. Seriously folks. I haven’t been this full of jazz since I was taped to a bed and forced to watch BET Jazz for 36 straight hours, while in the process giving meself a rusty trombone, complete with a dizzy gillespie conversion. Anywho, without further Freddy Adu, I present to you the one show that can easily turn the WB into the WBEST!

Do not be alarmed. What you just saw was no an illusion, but a pastability that may effect the future of our enterspankment as we know it. Ready for the longest sentence I’ve written in a while? Great! Word has it that even though the peeps over at the WB were pressured into picking Kate Boos-worth to play Lois Lane in the new Superman movie over Her Royal Thighness of Thighland the II in order to ensure the casting of her-Beyond The Dreck co-star Kevin Spacey, they were so impressed with Cuthy’s screen test that they’re seriously considering giving her her own super hero TV show on the WB, where she’ll don some tigs tights and kick some lee major ass, that would replace Smallville when it goes the way of Encore! Encore! next year. The only negativos to this whole thing (IF it even happens) that I foresee in my ball of crystal light is that we would be deprived of seeing Cuthbert run (cause she would be flying, dumassesses) and the most underrated hotness in all of America, Chloe/Allison ‘The’ Mack, would be out of a job. Stay tuned. I’ve got 99 problems, and the WB aint one. [scoopage via Axel F‘s brother, Marc]

And oh, btw, Lohan, what’s happened to you since I dumped yer a$$ for Supergirl? Sue you, sue me, sue everybody.

BREAKING NEWS

Audrey Tautou Is

Deli-Scruumptious & Adorable

…hispecially with no clothes on

– The kids over at Donkey Boners scrounge up two fab links today: 1) watch a guy beat Super Mario 3 in 11 minutes and 2 seconds! Good thing he didn’t have to face Bowser from Sha Na Na. 2) (if u didn’t see it) Napoleon Dynamite delivering a Top Ten list on Letterman.

– Iron Maiden to play Reading/Leeds? What?

– Jen & Brad’s splittsville has left Ali G homeless. [via Golden Boy]

– Michael Stipe dreams of Shirley Maclaine, tells her about it, and then she proceeds to freak out on him.

– We all know that pink may be the new blog, but apparently The Gay Master is the new Tr3nt.

– The blog we’ve all been dreaming creaming of: The NFL Cheerleader Blog. I mean, where else are you gonna learn about such sorta-hotties (which btw, are the new porta-potties) as Ravens’ rah-rah-raher, Mary Claire Butt.

– Wannamaker, do you want me to get you an Xbox Millennium Falcon for your b-day? Or I could just re-gift the re-gifted calendar that you gave me for mine? [via Double Vski]

– The Big Shocker. [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Joan is a bigger hack than Brian DePalma.

– Looks like this Rabbi won’t be getting many more tips if he keeps giving babies herpes during circumcisions. [via Mustard King of Clevetown]

– North Korea Declares War On Long Hair

– Miami Judge Drops Charge Against King Kong [via Mr Poon]

– The Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese is one thing, but Jesus in a frying pan? What’s next, the image of the Arcade Fire appearing in a bag of Fritos? [via Nebraska Ben]

– Peabs not only just became a professional kangaroo named Bart Jemima, but the first professional kangaroo to publicly profess his love for an iPod. [via Uncle G-Funk]

– One of the breastest headlines I’ve seen in awhile: Salma Hayek’s Naked Breasts Make Her Want To Kill Herself. That’s odd, dem bazoombas make me want to ‘off’ myself in a entirely different way. Ahhhh Hayek’s boobs.

– And for those of you moaning for more Cuthbertness, I have some major hotness to unleash later today, but in the meantime, suck on this… Mischa pic [1nce again via Mischa-B.com]

When CTU super agent Jack Bauer had his back against the wall, and with his chronic heavy breathing problem reaching new heights, who did you think he called? Well, I was hoping and praying he really needed his daughter to wear a tight white shirt and run thru a car wash…

But instead, he called in the only man he could truss, THE MAN himself, Tony ‘THE MAN’ Almeida!!

Thank GORD! Cause I’m already sick of all the new characters (sans House of Sand and Fog family and Devanester). But hey, isn’t T-Money suppose to be in jail?

– World’s mos boringest couple calls it quits. They were afraid their kids would be too purty and bad at acting.

– Rhys Ifans, the coolest man with the cooliestest name, denied himself the pleasure to wife swap with Jude & Sadie. I bet he rejected their advances cause he wanted to sleep with Law, not Frost.

– Jennifer Garner Fed-Up With Pressure Look Beautiful. I feel her pain, considering that she really isn’t beautiful to begin with.

– Owen Wilson to grow a beard to shed the ‘stoner’ label he often gets. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe you should help Wes Anderson on his next script to help shed the disappointment that was Steve Zissou.

– Jamiroquai to release a new album and tour in the ’05. I guess they didn’t make the Coachella line-up cause either they aren’t written about in Spin or are from the 80s.

– Sorry I’m days late on this, but merry belated peace the fork outing to

Architect Philip Johnson. The dude knew buildings, and how to kick some major glass.

– Tickets for the two Fiery Furnabests shows are already on sale. See you at the Bowery one. I’ll be the one drooling in front of the stage. [via B-Veg]

– Mind you, F.U.B.A.R. may lose its name and webmaster, but that doesn’t mean this shit is dunn like Warrick. Stay tuned.

– Since this site has been pretty much Lohan free for the past few months, yer more then welcome to head over to the Drunken Stepfather for all your Former Royal Thighnessness-ness.

– I don’t think this guy is a huge fan of his papa, yet he did give him one of the nation’s top honors… [via The Zack Attack]

– Own yer very own drive-thru strip club. Bidding is currently up to $300,999.99. [via Brawny Man]

– Play the world’s smallest version of Pac-Man right on yer own CPU. [via Metafilter]

– Spiderman Dos, Lego stizz. [via K To The P: Power]

– Looks like Mischa Mishka is back to her Falkor lookin’ ways. Well, at least it appears that way in this photo of her and Morgan Freebird. I guess she’s only attractive when she poses by herself or with a pair of Keds. Who cares, she’s still so alluring that I’d ride her like 1/9 train. Psssst, don’t you dare tell Cuthbert or her former TV dad what I just said. I want to live to bone tomorrow. [via ONTD, Skeeter, & the love/one below, Mischa-B.com]

– Peace the fork out F.U.B.A.R./ThatsJustNotRight.com??!?!?! Thanks for all the memories, mammories, letting me steal high quality images, and the spank material many have enjoyed. And I guess I can kiss that average of 3K+ peeps coming here each day goodbye since a ton of the referral links came via dem. I recommend all F.U.B.A.R.ers head on over to UseMyComputer for their source of hottie hottness.

– Lara Flynn Boyle was so desperate to join the Mile High Club on a flight from London to LA recently that she flashed her Twin Peaks at crew members and tried to jump into the bed of a stranger. And I ask you, what would have been more entertaining to watch unfold on a plane, LFB’s flashdance or Peter Buck’s yogurt throwing incident?

– Who knew that Sylvester Stallone was born deformed? I juss assumed he was run over by a car.

– Scramblin to find that purrrrfect Valentine’s Day gift? Scramble no further, cause nothing sez I Heart You more than a painting of Steve Perry from Journey done up as Robocop or NSFW Japanese Anime dolls that poop. [via Ad Mich & Warner Sistahs]

– According to some bizatch neurologist/psychiatrist Her Royal Thighness the II, Cuthy-Cuthbert, is “strong-minded, ambitious and aggressive” because she likes whipped cream on her Tazo Chai Tea Latte. What he doesn’t know is that she also loves smattering ounces of whipped cream all over her precious body for her King to lick off. What does that tell you about her Dr Jerkface?

– We all know Stereogum is a haven for good music info (and Lionel Richie clay head obsessions), but the comments section? It’s one thing for Grambo to quote from it in his ‘quote-a-matic’ section, but The Boston Herald? Bloggah plizeassssssse.

– It’s official, Andy Rooney’s starting to lose it.

– It’s official, I’m not heteroflexible, but very metroflexible. This past weekend I joined Mumsy & Sister Thigh Master at the gay/family confines of Rehoboth Beach, DE. Although I did opt out of the massage fest (due to my impending Eurotrip, sans Michelle Trachentehenbroke), I did indulge in a sophisticamactatted hour long pedicure. Any fellas, if you’ve never gotttten one, you owe it to yourself to gets one. I mean, do you want to clean your feet?

– The story of the week isn’t Iraqi people voting, but A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. [via Gulf of Sonkin]

– Well, if that man hadn’t peeeeed his way out of an avalanche, this spoon-shaped egg may have been the story of the week… hispecially since it’s Bitched @ Swirth with the giant cock & balls sculpture from A Cockwork Orange.

– Speaking of Bitched @ Swirthnessness, My Man Marvkus spotted a poster at les Twerps’ triumph over dem Yellow Jackets last night (DJ Strawbizzle who?) that displayed the ugly mugs of both Nappy Dyna & GT center Luke Schenscher. Enjoy!

Yes, you read that right,



JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com

[via My Man Marvkus]

– It NEVER ends… count Coldplay and NIN are a go for Coatchecka!!

– UPDATE!!!! And according to this MTV.com report, you can offically pencil in Bloc Party, French Kicks, British Sea Power, and Ambulance LTD.

– Debbie Gibson’s 34 year-old body will splash the pages of Playboy‘s March issue, which happens to coincide with the release of her new single ‘Naked’. I Eggspect a lot of you peeps have been waiting to ‘Shake Your Love’, I mean beat off to her, for eons.

– On the other hand (I guess that would be yer non m-bating head), looks like we’ll never see Keira Knightley’s arse, ever. [via Oh No They Didn’t]

– What’s hot, sweaty, and comes in a three pack? This.

– That AMEX ad featuring Robert DeNiro is upsetting his fans. What, did his ‘fans’ forget about Godsend, Shark Tale, Analyze That, Showtime, and of course, The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle?

– Baby Spice busted her hymen by age 16, has never been in a threesome, was given a vibrator by Scary Spice, and once streaked down the hall of a Four Seasons Hotel. OK, lettuce all move on with our lives now…

– Don’t cry, but Molly Weasley/Julie Walters got the axe from Goblet of Fire.

– Nobody does Cover Art Recipes better than the Fiddler. Actually, I think he’s the only one who does it. Bless you.

– Want a second opinion for Oscar picks? Head to the Double V.

– Bikini-clad and drunk college students swimming in baby oil. Did you already drop a load in yer pants? Sorry, but I forgot to mention that they were Duke students. MRqjnfjbch2eyuck! [via Navi]

– Wanna attend a taping of Last Call w/Carson Douche Bag? Didn’t think so, but you could see the Zutons, Tori Amos, The Music, or Kings of Leon if you did.

– The memoralizing of Johnny Carson never ends. Why Peabs has even joined in on the action: ‘I know this may be in poor taste to speak ill of a man’s cock size when he has recently passed; howevs, Peabs assures you that it [Carson’s] doesn’t taste nearly as poor as the queefing vaggie vag of your Aunt Mabel.’

– Huh? [via Dr Falada]

– Gawd I love sausages! [vid via Nipsy Newbsy]

– Before you’re gay, you see The Hole.

– And to hell with Google’s new Video search engine. I mean, this is all you get when you type ‘elisha cuthbert’? That isn’t Beta, that’s bootleg, like Jerry Glanville’s coaching style. I’ll stick with Yahoo!’s video search engine, which actually netted some Cuthbert hotness. And by some, I mean links to video. Anywho, the internets have a long way to go before they are as perfect as Her Royal Thighness the II. In the meantime, go here to watch some choice clips of her that I found using neither of dem search engines, or just drool over the following pic…