Thighs Wide Shut

Oddjobbly enuff, doesn’t part of that Skid Row classic sorta sound like a part of Donnie Hendawg’s ‘Boys of Summer‘?

Shame, shame, shame on you’alls and Lou Rawls. Did you honestly think for a stankonia moment that I’d let a woman who’s hair’s gross, Christain Bale Machinist rail thin, and a complete skankbot, rule our kingdumb? I’m even ashamed of the fact that I’m a top search result for ‘‘Lindsays Butt Paste‘… although being the #1 result for ‘cleveland cleavage‘ is kinda respectable, right? I picked Lohag when your backs were turned. Ha-ha, you fools! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Master of Thighs, when Her Royal Thighness crowning is on the line!! Good thing Snopes and the Museuem of Hoaxes didn’t read last week’s posts, cause they would’ve easily exposed this rue de ruse in about 5 heartbeats!! The past is the past and the butt paste is a thing of the past… although I have been looking to switch up brands as of late. So lets push thighs forward, whilst you d-lode The Streets’ ‘‘Lets Push Things Forward‘. And before I officially announce who the heir to the hempire is, I juss wanna note that Cuthbest, unlike Lohag, never did us wrong, cept when she wore that tunafish thong, and will always be welcomed back anythyme to the House of Thighs. Plus we both share joint custody of Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt, and she even agreed to pay for her dental bills! In choosing a woman worthy of the crownship I didn’t want to make any rush decisions… although she ended up being a Russian. Sure, I could have gone with a Albacauseofyou or Pinderlicious, but it was sign from heavens when I thighspotted my lady in waiting rubbing her thighs. And the rest is how I say, Game, Set, Snatch…

I present to you
The REAL Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd
Maria Yuryevna Sharapova
aka Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова

You may now kiss the Thighs

ON WIT DA POOS DEL LINKY…

• Visited the new 7-11 on 23rd and Park Ave. Brief reflections: shiz was the cleanest and smallest Sleven I’ve ever seen, Big-Bites were effin moneybagsmcgee, but had NO CHERRY SLURPEES on-tap??#!@?@#?#? Their license should be revoked!

• Knocked back a few with The BlogFather, and the rest of the Bloggeratti. Brief reflections: so effin best.

• ESPN.com stalked jinxed for life Cub fan, my Halloween costume of ’03, and the all-around mystery that is Steve Bartman. Brief reflections: it was about effin time.

• Ricky Gervais chats up about the pressure of topping The Office with his next effort Extras, which airs in the UK on July 21st (‘How do you beat six Baftas and two Golden Globes? That’s mental. That record’s safe.’), his New Romantic band Seona Dancing (‘We thought we were Tears for Fears.’), his family (‘The whole point of my family was taking the mickey out of the one sitting next to you. It was all a wind up.’), and about dreams come true (‘My ambition was always to get a joke on The Simpsons, and here I am at the read-through sitting next to Homer.’).

• Charlotte Church’s mum strikes back and un-classy Shirley Bassey. Don’t care? Then at least czech out a whole lotta snap-ples of C Church in a bikini.

• Another pointless Indy IV update

• Nancy O’Dell met her husband while waiting in line at an airport. I think I need to fly more often.

• Many a celebs have been deliverin’ Amazon.com packages as a part of their 10th annie-verse-airy celebration. Peep Don Cheadle dropping off a box, Howie Mandel taking time off his ‘busy schedule’, and Kournikova opening a box with a customer (I’d love to open and munch on Kournie’s box! [NSFW])

• Dustin Hoffman has bigger-man-tees than yours drooly! [sorta NSFW]

• The Photos They’d Rather Forget

• I’ve never been able to describe TWS.org site in words, but Dawn of Man did a pretty good job by sayings, ‘If you’re not impartial to a bit of Anthony Burgess-style linguistic butchering combined with Jim Careyesque zany mad adult behaviour, head on over to The Thighmaster.’

• Why didn’t JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com get bigger than Jesus?

• (not) My Collection of Vintage Cigarette Lighters

• Geek Tattoos [via Dr Falada]

• Mildly entertaining ’80s print ads

• CantFindOnGoogle.com [MetaFiler]

• And happy belated 50th b-day to my new dawg, Jimmy Smits/Bail Organa, and to my old dawg, who’s love taking bites outta crime, McGruff the Crime Dog, who just turned half of Jimmy’s age. Growing up, in an age of hella-lame famous dogs, McGruff was buff and more ruff than then the baddies in Tuff Turf. Ya see, me at McG go way back. One day, while I was a hyperactive student at College Gardens Elementary School, we took a field trip riding the newly extended Red Line on DC’s Metro for three whole stops!!! When we demetroed at our final destination, White Flint, McGruff was there to greet us, dole out hugs, and distribute free Redskins trading cards to us all. I’ll never forget what you did that day McGruff, for as long as I live. So in his great name why not send him a b-day card, or get yoself a fab tee, or sign up for some free trading cards (sadly not Redskins)?

How could you, you fargin iceholes?

Back to your regularly scheduled LINKY POOOS(!!!!)…

• Could you roll with HFRT the I and HRT the III? I got every single one right. Didn’t hurt that she was playing footsies with my crotchenstein whilst whispering the answers into my ear.

• Cuthy’s already hit rock bottom. You can now rent her out for $47 and if you don’t like her, you can always send her back at no charge!

• Set times have been posted for Siren and Austin City Limits. Big ups to the Texans for being so organized!

• Gawd, I don’t ask for much, but peas cast Vin Cassel as the Joker, so we can inch closer to getting his wife, Monica Bellucci, and her BIG bazoombies, into Harley Quinn’s tight spandex. [via Niac Man]

• ‘The Thing looks like Don Rickles crossed with Mt. Rushmore‘

• Time Mag has no taste [via Leafy]

• Lohan/Dukakis in 2008

• DC in 2016

• Deltron in 3030

• Jimmy Smits 4EVA!!!

• Superman’s father was gay

• Friendly advice from unfriendly people

• What be the difference tween MaleFirst.co.uk and FemaleFirst.co.uk? Nothing, cept a more pleasing yellow and black color scheme.

• Brian Peppers & GWB have just replaced Guns n’ Rosenthal n’ Thighmaster in Wedding Crashers. [via the Mask]

• Who was a member of the Max Rebo band, friend to Falkor & Atreyu, and now all the Oompa Loompas rolled into one…s and zeros? Deep Roy [via ONTD!!]

• Japanese McDonalds commercials, sadly tentacle-free

• A ride that needs no pimpin, but mos def an introduction

• Come on baby, light my fire!

• Teletext Babez [via Miami Vikes]

• Squirrel Circus [via DataWhhhhhhhhat?]

• Are you a big fan of Cheryl, Sarah, and Jimmy, aka the Jeopardy! Clue Crew? Thought you were. Do you have many sleepless nights trying to figure out what happened to former 4th crew member Sofia? Thought you did. Well, Sofia Lidskog, who has a face of an angel, a body of a playmate, and a name of a Polish dog, left the 2 live crew to become an anchor on Channel One, which broadcasts 12-minute of news delivered daily to nearly 8 million students and 400,000 educators in nearly 12,000 middle and high schools across the country (Aside: If they had this feed beaming into my high school, with her mug plastered all up on our NTSC monitors everyday, I woulda had to keep excusing myself to the bathroom for the every popular early morn hand relief). But according to this guy, she’s already flown the coop juss after one year. So what’s next for Ms Ex-Hostess Hotness Cupcake? I dunno, maybe a lezzie-porno involving future mother of my children, Pammy Pam Mueller? Well breast assure folks, cause wherever she goes, we’ll be there with arms and thighs wide open (gawd bless Google alerts). Bi they gay, we’re the #1 search for ‘pam mueller’, Sofia’s dream clue “would be running through Tiananmen Square in traditional Chinese costume, pulling a rickshaw“, Jimmy is one of the undead, and this is what the Jeopardy! telewriter looks like! And as an added bonus, here’s almost every pic of her that eggsists on the net…

Added: Baseball and Softball have been dropped from the 2012 Olympics cause everyone knows they aren’t really sports and are so friggin boring.

Yessirree BOB my dearest THIGHLANDERS!!! No need to adjust your monitors or your crotch cause what you see is what you get: Her Royal Thighness the I, Lindsay Morgan Lohan, has now become HER ROYAL THIGHNESS THE III!!!! I can’t bee leave it either folks, but it’s the effin truth like Sloth/Popeye Jones lovin them some Baby Ruth!!! [pic via Wizniz] Ya know, they say you can’t go home again, but nobody said nuttin about not coming again on the same girl’s face again… and again!!!! Sure, Cuthbest was one great reigning Queen (since 10/20/04), lover, footstool, and coaster, but all the while, my heart and shlong always longed for my former thronemate. Think I need to eggsplain this more before your complain more and throw cans of Dinty Moore against the walls of my castle? I shall.

Ya see, as me and my board of trusted trustees (consisting of the likes of Jimmy Smits, Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Mayor McCheese, Lukas Haas, Ms Pac Man, Andy Rooney, Barret Oliver, John Stossel, and duhvs course, Dakota Fanbelt, who will have to live with me and the new HRT the III) were reviewing the possible candidates for weeks upon weeks and not even coming close to a decision, we decided to take some time off to celebrate the independence of my former homeland, America. Well something funny happened sometime Friday night/Saturday morning: I had one of those dreams again. Co-wince-eye-dent-lee, that next day, the 2nd of July, was LL’s 19th b-day. When I awoke, I qwikly paid my respects to Luther Vandross and my 1millyanth visitor, and then jetsetted on the 1st LA bound plane to sirprize my former belovededed on her special day. Plane landed and I headed straight to her 8th b-day party. I thighspotted her walking into a restaurant and cried out her name. I think she thought I was the stalkeraztzi cause all she did was turn her back and throw up a peace sign. But I grabbed her, in that way she always liked to be grabbed (one hand on her ass crack, the other choking her neck), and she knew that daddy had come home. We left her posse and party in waiting and qwikly caught up. What happened next was too graphic to describe, but lettuce juss say it was hottier than this. She was all set to re-take her place on the bone throne, but I gave her three caveats before shoving my cak down her cavities back in Thighland: 1) dye yer hair a freakin normal color 2) eat cupcakes everyday… off my grundle, and 3) stop being such a skankbot. She agreed to that and more and the rest is, shall we say, herstory. Welcome back sweettits. It’s been a long and winding road, but poppa’s ready to blow his load. You may juss end up HRT for life. And oh yeah, YOU ROCK!!

• In less important news, looks like NYC will be free of chaos in the summer of 2012. Maybe we can enlist Rush’s help to mcnabb the 2112 Olympics.

• Peace the fork out Vice Adm. James Stockdale!! I dont remember much about you, cept you acting kinda strange during yer debate with such goobers as Dan Quayle and Al Gore.

• Loved that Pink Floyd reunion? Too bad, cause it looks like that shiz aint happenin again

• Franz & The Archdukes have juss announced their US tour schedule. They hit up el Theatre at MSG Rocktober 16-17th.

• MacPherson & Pacino? I’d actually rather watch Vince Vaughn act than think of them humping.

• Tix for a-ha’s date at Irving Platz go on-sale today at noon

• Portman is smoking… HOTTASTICCULAR!!

• Shirley Bassey gets all sassy on Charlotte Church. I’d love to goldfinger them both. D-lode Shirley’s ‘Goldfinger‘

• Alba calls for an end to racism. Lemme help Jess, by dipping my kinish into your hybrid danish-fish taco thingiemajingie.

• Can’t wait for Spielberg’s next joint

• MasturCates

• B-wagon Boy picks the 15 Most Aweosme Americans of All Times!

• Butter late than never, but congrats Mr Ebert on gettin a star on Hollywurst’s Walk o’ Fame

• What’s the story with Jude’s hair? LiveHate it!!

• The mp3 yer THiGHPOD’s been missing: Sharapova moaning [via Daaaan]

• Robot Hand Performs Remote Breast Checks [via UMC]

• I think this urbanizing of McDonalds unies could end up being a good thing

• Be safe in the car and use a French-Fry Holder [via Rich E-z-EEEEE]

• The world famous Hamburglar Translator [via Mag Bastard]

• Never mix LSD and hot dog eating [via Drop Out via Ceffle]

• And this handing over of power shiz hasn’t really sat well with Her Former Royal Thighness the II, Ms Cuthelles. She started stealing all of my Donruss Rated Rookie cards, slashing up her hands, making love to a teddy bear, and let some guy point in her presence. Boy how the mighty have/hath/half jimmy fallen.

• While I was ruth buzzi stalking Jimmy Smits, and Jimmy Smits was busy philipps stalking America (dude was EVERYWHERE, from Live8, to my sis’ wedding, to A Capitol 4th, to reruns of that great SNL skit where everyone was over-pronouncing words of hispanic origin in his presence), the globe continued to spin. Kobayashi underperformed, yet walked away with his 5th straight Mustard Belt at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Hank Stram, a man with a whorrible hair piece, but who always looked kewl on NFL Filmstock, peaced le fork out, and 7-11 officially opened for bidness in Mannyhattan.

[photoe via Chillary G]
• How could Hollyweird possib-bly transform Wedding Crashers into a watchable flick? Replace Owen Wilson and Vince Be-Gone-Vaughn with Guns n’ Rosenthal and yers drooly, respectively. Don’t bee leave me? Watch the revamped trailer and then tell me I’m crazier than Crazy Eddie licking Krazy Glue. [via Mr Guns himself]

• Da Ali G Show: Da Compleet Second Seazon will FRYNALLY be released on DVD, September 13th. Somehow it won’t be the same when he refers to MLK Jr as Martin Luther Vandross.

• We now have visual evidence that proves Tom Hanks was a poor choice for da Da Vinci Code mooovie.

• Lohag needs to stop playing truth or dare

• Bloc Party have recorded 2 new songs. And with that, the masturbation rate has jumped 63% amongst the hipsters and bloggers phylum.

• Mblem, aka FMMBMM: clothes For Mandy Moore, By Mandy Moore [via the Doug Fluter]

• Live in Chi-town? Lucky bastards, cause u can eat Lou Mal’s whenever u please and now you have the special op to check out 13 of Kubrick’s joints as part of a month-long retrospective at the Gene Siskel Film Center. I waited ages to see my last Kubrick film, Barry Lyndon, on the big screen, and it was an effin magical eggspearance. So if you haven’t explored his works cause either u have no taste or are a complete idjiot, now’s yer effin chance. I mean, what else you gonna do, go to Lollapalooza?

• Coldplay hates Chardonnay, but loves them some dark cotton socks!

• Commercial that may end up being hottier than Paris’ Carl’s Jr one: Lucy Pinder & Walker’s Crisps. Note to British people: when this shiz airs, please find it for me and send it my way.

• 50 Fun Things To Do Wit Yer iPod

• My search continues for actual game cards from McDonalds’ Dick Tracy Crime Stopper Game, but this aint 1/2 bad.

• Do subliminal tapes played while you sleep really work? Cecil goes to work

• Florida Man Arrested After Leaving Marijuana As Tip For Coffee [via Steve Bartman Hater #1]

• Polaroid-o-nizer

• Phallic Logo Awards [via Brock Lee]

• North Korean Bodyguard [vid via Itzr Mr Authoring Machine]

• Some are claiming that the big news on Wednesday will be the naming of the host city for the 2012 Summer Games (not to b confused with the hit game by Epyx in the 80s). [Be sure to check out The Chad’s handicapping of the field of five] Well, the nations of the world, in ca-hootz with the Peoples Republic of Thighland, would like you to think just that. You see, all that flubb-bubb and hubb-bubb is all juss smoke and cocaine mirrors for the real news that will send the AP wires haywire: the selection of Her Royal Thighness The IIIrd. Yes, a timetable has been set and we’re sticking to it. And I think the selection will turn some (penis) heads. In the meantime (not to be confused with that one decent Helmet album), as I help her back her bags and tea bag the hell outta her for the last time, I leave you with the single greatest snap-ple of Cuthbest I have ever laid thighs on.

[want more from the clizz-as-sack collection?]