Thighs Wide Shut

Big ups to Barbara Broccoli (the world’s mos edible producer) for choosing Daniel Craig as the next Bond. Although Clive Owen woulda been better suited, it’s still a solid choice. Not sold on DC? Netflix Layer Cake and then try to talk smack. By the gay, I think we have the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Can you say Gold Bond pitchman???

Big ups to the siblings Friedberger for leaving their gravel-throated Granny at home when they stopped by NYC’s Town Hall this past Friday. Their soon to be released family affair LP Rehearsing My Choir is one of the mos difficult listens of the year, but with Nana walking her walker elsewhere, all dem songs shined more than a shoe-shiner watching The Shining in 30 seconds, with bunnies! And although it was the 5th time I saw the crew, it was the 1st time I had peeped em without their usual spex-tacular touring mates Toshi Yano and drummer Andy Knowles (who was stolen by Eleanor’s boyfriend’s little known group, The Archdukes). While two new fellas filled the vacancies nicely, the show reached its true apex during the encore when they both took a rest, and let El and Matt duo it up for a few songs. I’d like to see them do that a lil more often on future tours, so I can actually hear her voice, and figure out what song they’re playing, instead of playing Su-Doku with their back catalog. And while we’re making requests, I’d like to have Matt’s hair…

Big ups to Gaius Julius for sticking his needle into Cleopatra, who has the face of the Go-Gos Jane Wiedlin, and the body of Pretty Baby Brooke Shields [NSFPlanetEarth]. Hopefully she tossed Caesar’s salad as a gift to the gawds after coitus. Somewhere Maude Lebowski is smiling, and somewhere someone wants to hear this cover version of ‘Walk Like An Egyptian’ [d-lode]. What sez you o’ great man of the Julii who hath inspired my hairdo?

Big downs to the Cleveland Browns, but big ups to Eva Mendes’ cleavage!

• Peace the fork out former behated Hoosier and Ray Brower (the dead dude in Stand By Me) lookalike Jason Collier

• tATu Threaten To Murder Charlotte Church… wish that read tATu Threaten To Have Fake Lesbian Sex With Charlotte Church

• Everybody’s Got Their Gayness to Hide Except for Me & My Monkey

• Ron Livingston’s engagement to Lisa Sheridan can only mean one thing… INVASION

• Defiance, OH

• One of these is not like the other: Sasha Cohen, Sacha Cohen, and Sacha Baron Cohen

• While we await the Minnesota Viking Sex Boat Playset, lettuce play with the Love Boat version

• What’s at the center of the earth?… besides Hans Moleman and the molepeople

• Fantasy Football, circa 1998, when people like Carl Pickens, Elvis Grbac, and Amp Lee were the bees’ fleas

• If Sharapova got a sex change and I decided to let her back into my pants, I guess you’d call it The Trans-Siberian Railway. That was kinda stoopid, but I needed to write something before posting this pic of HFRT the IIIrd…

• And I don’t think any words are necessary when posting a snappage of HFRT the IInd playing water polo…

Is it juss me, or is it hapsolutley recockulous that we set a side one day each year to celebrate the talents of movie director/writer Chris Columbus? Don’t spank me wrong, the man has warrick dunn some good in the past, but from the early 90s on, he’s been more worthy of crucifixion, than adulation for screen fiction. The first 2 Harry Potters? Poo/boo/snoozefests to the Zth degree. Bicentennial Man? Could there be a worser call than having Robin Williams play a robot gayer than all the gay robots combined? The list doesn’t really go on and on, but I’m not really jumping and jazzing all over meself for his next joints, like the one named after a Pavement album or this one, which has the schmaltzyiest plotline, described as a, “about a temperamental head coach who ends up adopting a kid. By becoming a father, he learns to be a better man and a better coach and he takes his team to the Super Bowl.” Dear Gov-mint. Please repeal this holiday and instead bestow the honor of a day off of work for a more worthy director, say, Savage Steve Holland, of Better of Dead, One Crazy Summer, and Shasta McNasty fame. Howevs, if you peeps MUSS revel in all thing C Columbus, may I recommend you spend this day with some of his finest works like…

And now for some tangs me learned this tweakend…

• There is something seriously wrong with Brooke Shields’ mother. I can’t fathom how anyone would ever let their 12-year old daughter star in Pretty Baby, the controversial Louis Malle flick about a daughter of a brothel prostitute who has her virginity sold to the highest bidder, and later marries a man maybe 3 times her age. That may not sound so bad, but B Shields’ prepubescent assets are fully on display numerous times. YIIIIIIIIIIIKES!!! I felt so dirty watching it that I had to shower 17 times afterwerds. [NSFW proof, for you dirty dirty p-philes]

• Amy Ruth’s on 116th St has the mos bestest southern/soul food that one can find in Manhattan. Do yerself, but not yer arteries, a favor and get yer fried chicken smothered in gravy, next to a giant waffle loaded with cinnamon, ‘nanas, and pecans. The title heart attack hotness was previously held by Miss Mamie’s Spoonbread Too. Next on the list, Sylvia’s. [CityShirt]

• The Redskins may not be going 16-0, but will probably finish 15-1. OK, that may be a bet far-fetched, but they are actually a legit squad [WaPo]

• tATu may be faux lezzies (and faux tanners), but faux lezzies, are still better than no lezzies at all [Spencer 4 Mire]

• Jack White and wifey are preggers. So will Meg White be this child’s aunt or pseudo-step mum? [Gigwiseness]

• My mom may be the world’s biggest Hedwig & The Angry Inch fan. So much so, that her and pa came up this past Saturday to see mastermind John Cameron Mitchell introduce the film for all of 5 minutes at the MOMA. Bless you momoosky. And for that lets spread the love. [d-lode the bestest song ‘Wig In A Box’, or the Pirate version]

• Trainspotting helped Sinbad O’Connor realize that hard drugs and babies climbing on the ceiling are not good things [IOL]

• Earnest Byner exercising makes a good animated gif [Speed Fit]

• William Fichtner and his 4 by forehead looking fabulous in What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

can mean only one thing: INVASION!!! [Wallpaper]

• Tennis scoring is rooted in medieval numerology [Straight Dizzle]

• There’s a chance none of us have to pay to see Keira ‘I beat off to you’ Knightley in Pride & Snoozefest [EW free screening]

and although Elisha still may be the Cuthbestiest ’round

and Devon is still a fly owl

CC the IV remains the reigning queen B
until I deem otherwise

Simon Wiesenthal
&
his will to survive
hunting down of Nazi bastards
and his endless crusade to end Anti-Semitism

1908 – 2005
• And in not as importante passing news, we still pause (ok, we’re done being rebels with a pause) and bid adieu to Lenny’s bizatch Honey Bruce Friedman, who was portrayed by MISS TESCHMACHER!!! in the movie, where DUHVS course, she showed a lil skin

• Rumored Gorillaz 5 night gig has now become a reality! The plan this go around is to not hide behind a screen, invite all the guest stars on stage, and let it all out. Sure to be a once (or fifthce) in a lifetime opp. So who wants to get all madchester in Manchester November 1-5? [via NME]

• Not even Gomer Pyle could be Sirprized, Sirprized, Sirprized by this

• Catch some zzzzzzzzzz

• The new kids on the block, dorkmaster Jon Cannon and semi-soylicious Kelly Miyahara, are like the Patrick Ramsey and Mark Brunell’s of Jeopardy!‘s Clue Crew. Somewhere Sofia Lidskog (see bottom of post) breathes a sigh of relief. Somewhere I have my hand down my pants thinking about Sofia Lidskog.

• Me loves the music, but I aint schooled enuff to review albums. Good thing then that Ms Mod purrfectly captured the ins and mainly outs of the Fiery Furnaces and Grandma crack pipe fest ’05 side project. Eeeeeeesh. The disc is the antonym of ‘easy listening’

• The Stanley Kubrick: Inside The Mind of a Visionary Filmmaker eggzibit heads to the Australian Centre for the Moving Image in Melbourne, Rooland starting November 24 til the end of January. Then the damn Romans get it from April on. Cato may actually have to wear underwear if he wants to attend the opening gala.

• CUTHBEST DRIVES!

• Mandy Moore chips in seven points, 29 assists, nine kills, and 28 digs

• TWS.org, one of Six Blogs You Should Be Reading, according to someone else who isn’t my brother-in-law or left hand. I also reveal my flavorite site that isn’t mine or NonUSHotties!

• A review of Twin Peak Fest ’05… Waldo the mynah bird’s blood soaked donuts not included [more pic links here]

• Why2k?

• I think I found a way to cure my un-funemployment blues: watch TV for 69 hours and 49 minutes straight

• Remember Cpt 20/Count Gore De Vol? Well if u aint from DC and waz born after 1985, probably not. Our brother from another smothers, Dick ‘The Dizzle’ Dyszel, has returned to the metropolitan hiz-area complete with his bumpin a$$ DJ service, low-priced mustache rides, and other mustache related hotness. Last week he dropped by the WaPo for a lil chat wit fans. Peep the transcript here [last via Johnny Holla Dollar]

• The Soon To Be Relatively Famous Hooters Employee Handbook

• When I eventually get all married and shiz, the only kitchen item I’ll request on my registry is this [via Del Fiddler]

• Shatner takes on ‘Rocket Man’ [via Shady Akers]

• And to make up for CC the IV’s grateful dreadful outfit at whatever the funk Avenue of the Stars is and her claims that my name is Gavin and that we were lovers in our former lives, please viddy well, oh my brothers…

Tara Reid Admits Her Breasts Are Fake

No word on if she has any brain activity
• Peace the fork out Walter Reed Medical Center

• Genius to team up with Genius. Effin genius!

• Natalie Portman prepares to play Mr T

• Falkor Barton falls for a Kim Thayil wannabe

• HRT the IIIrd ready to unleash the greatestist smelling mace

• New Fugees single in a fortnight + a 1/2 a fortnight?

• Samurai Armstrong proves there’s life after superjews Seth Cohen AND Ari Gold [via ASF]

• Charlotte Church’s choir director sentenced to 20 years in prison

• Could a new polo resort in Indio force Coachella to move elsewhere?

• Jack White would like to buy the world a Coke. Meg, a Faygo.

• Bjork ready to get her skeletons swan dress outta her closet

• What shines yer balls more? The news of new Lebowski DVDs, one version complete with a bowling towel and drink coasters, or the fact that the Dude is ready to roll another 10 frames, if only the Coen Bros oil the lanes? Well both are betterer than talks of Old School 2… unless it’s 90 minutes of this.

• Menupix, pix of menus from the NYC, SF, and BOS areas. I know it’s legit cause they have a the menu from my mos flavorite $4 Cubano sangwhich place

• The Human Zoo

• What did people use before toilet paper was invented?

• The only watch I’d consider wearing: Atari’s limited edition Asteroids watch [via Dr Falada]

• And big ups to my man main Raykwan the Chef (the monkey in the middle) who is on his way to becoming a full on JAG-off. Good to see the military can spend zillions on things that go boom in the night, but not a cent to update their Gomer Pyle/John Kerry unies.

Wanta Lohan that’s 89% less Lohaggish, 72.7% more insecure, and 111% now all up on my radar screen? Try Red Eyer and Diaz nanny for a day Jayma Mays on for size.

• Wanta Fanta? [beware o sound]

• While our relationship has been colder than a Siberian Kwanzaa, things have been surely heatin up in the realm of Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd. After she finally bagged that #1 ranking, she decided to grow, but unfortch, not in the mounds category, then she held a t-shirt, told someone the time, touched her shoulder, and andy capped it all off with a graffiti tagging spree. Girl, when you gotta minute, we need to talk. I promise, this time I’ll use my mouth to lash out at you and not with my borscht belt. And will someone tell her that a mic is no replacement for His Royal Shlong. [last via Spencer For Mire]

• The mockingbird has been killed died. Boooooooooooooooooo… radley/urns.

• But Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah radley to the beginning of school libraries’ slow peace the fork outtingsages

• A leather-clad Borat invades Pammy Ander’s dogs’ wedding on a giant inflatable turtle. Where the cork are the pappanazis when we need them most?!! SEE SNAPS HERE!!!

• Zzzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

• The Daily Mirror‘s 3am is my mos flavorite destination for all dat hot jazz filled gossip from across the pond (hispecially in the key of C Church getting mad drunk and people ‘slamming’ her), but who the fork sticks are those three chicks (or birds, but not bitches) that write up this shizz and whose go fug yerself mugs adorn the letterhead? They look like an 8teenth rate group of Sugarbabes wannabees. Well apparently these girls have about as much credentials as Chuck E Cheese’s animatronic band. After a lil intersleuthing, I found out that Ms Callan is the only journalist granted entrance to Elton John’s annual Oscar party, Ms Hedley has about as much character as a character named Caroline Hedley in this book, and Ms Simpsons has less to say than Maggie Simpson. And although they are a greesome threesome, they’re at least 1/3 less duchebagish lookin than NYDN‘s Lllloyd Grove.

• Slipknot are not big fans of BK’s new Chicken Fries. I know how they feel, cause White Castle’s Chicken Rings scare the living daylights outta me.

• Cuthbest’s fiancé finally has something to do beside bang the hottiest things Canadaadda ever gave us

• Fluxie’s got a new tune off of the real FF’s new album

• The Entourage lost scenes, about as clever as… Entourage. Alldough, I will give them credit for employing Superfly Snuka

• Free passes to see That Dude From The State in major cities, and Phil Hoffman Goes Really Gay, Music Blah Blah Black Sheep, Spitting Pea Soup XII, and This Year’s Rushmore for us Jew Yorkers.

• Edward Scissorhands: The Dance Theatre Piece [via P-Bill]

• Take a tour of the Bates Motel

• Man Admits Lying About ‘Wonka’ Role On Résumé [via MoH]

• And spanks (or no thamks) to Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin, cause now I’m gonna have to scrap my artwork idea that I was going to use for my debut album that consists of nothing but Strawberry Alarm Clock covers. Originality may be dead, but corn is forever.

[via Weirdomusic]