Thighs Wide Shut

Infamous
The Truman Show: Episode I.5
Trailer

While the world rightly went gaga over Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Oscar winning performance in Capote, everyone wrongly thought that that also meant the movie itself was gagalicious. Personally, I found it to be unfulfilling [sez the TWS.org review] from top to bottom. My two main issues with the Hoffman film, since I was a big In Cold Blood book fan, was that not enough detail was payed to both the killings and killers, and the other, being the lack of emotional display of Captoe’s downward spiral after the book was released. I’m happy to report that triple threat-er Douglas McGrath‘s take on the same eggzact events not only answers my prayers, but surpasses the Hoffman versh bottom to top. It’s more playful, more intense, and mos importantly, less snooze inducing. Tis an effin crying shame then that this one was released second cause no one is really going to give it the unbiased chance it deserves. And the real shame is reserved for Toby Jones (aka Dobby the House Elf) who nails the spirit of Captoe EVEN BUTTER than PSHoffs did!!! In a perfect world, Jones would walk away with the Best Actor Oscar next year, but I doubt Hollywurst would allow such a thang to happen (plus Forrest Whitaker is the man to beat). And unlike Capote, the supporting playas (sans Peter Bogdanovich, who reeks of updog) here are just as strong as the central figure. Kudos to Menudo go out to Sandra Bullock, who as Harper Lee hands in her least annoyingistest work of her career (that’s a huge compliment), and the biggest of big ups goes out to 007 Daniel Craig, who as killer Perry Smith shines on like a crazy Dustin Diamond after his dirty sanchezed threesome

Unsatisfied with this?: again, read Tru’s book and then Netflix the ’67 movie, all dough the trailer for the ’96 versh starring Eric Roberts, Anthony Edwards AND Sam Neill looks shitastic!!

Possible Porno Name: In Famous Amos’ Anus

WAV To The Crowd: ‘The In-famous El Guapo‘ bit from The Three Amigos [d]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

pee es – the no stinkin badgedness of Driving Lessons opens this Friday in NY/LA

Jesus Camp
Ministry of Zounds
Trailer

The film’s title is purty Snakes On A Planeish, but maybe they shoulda gone with an even more direct name: Scary Movie 5 (yes, I’m obsessed with renaming movies, so sue me, or lick my grundle). Whyski? Jesus Camp, an unbiased, unflinching, and unnerving look into today’s hardcore Christian youth and their summers spent at ‘camp’ (well, at least they have go-karts), is thighs down the mos frightening movie that will hit theaters this year. Maybe I’m a bit too naive or a bit too Jewish, but I really had no idea how powerful and how fearful we all should be of the Evangelical Church. While the focus is on the (brainwashing of their) kids, the underlying theme is, we’re crazy Christians and we vote in large numbers and we basically shape the policies and practices of these United States of Leland America. And if that idea freaks the Freezy Freakies right off your hands, you aint seen nuttin til you see said kids emulating Jimmy Swaggart, speaking in tongues, convulsing/conniption fitting on the floor, and praising a cut-out poster of GW Bush (I guess it would be a bit more whoreific if they were exalting a John Kerry cut-out)!! Peoples, you can’t make this stuff up, not even if it was stuff not made up on YouCantMakeItUp.blogspot.com. And remember, the Religious Right may be wrong, but they aint taking a left turn anytime soon. Juss whatever you do, don’t make a u-turn and rent the poop on a cross that is Oliver Stone’s U-Turn… even if you have the world’s larget boner for Powers Boothe!

Apt MPupil3: ‘Awesome Gawd’ by Rich Mullins [duh]

Mo Richard Scarry-ed-ness: Kids in Ministry International, which includes hot clips of kids freakin out more than the freaks in Freaks [watch the ENTIRE flick here], which was not directed by Jonathan Frakes

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Jesus Camp opens in bumblefork today, NYC on the 22nd, and st elsewhere whenever

The U.S. vs John Lennon
This Will Do While We Wait For The U.S. vs Ringo Starr
Trailer

Question, do you dig on John Lennon? If the answer is no, you aint gonna make it with anyone, anyhow. If the answer is yes, then you are obviously a thing called a human being. Hell, that’s probably the mos rhetorical question since ‘does it smell like upyo in here?‘ Well, if you are a human being you will heart this doc. While the title (here we go again) would suggest that many a meaty conspiracy theories will be flying off the screen, what’s presented is already more publicly knowledgeable than the location of the White House. If you don’t know where that is, contact Wesley Snipes. And if you’re a casting director, contact him anywayz, as I’m sure he could use the work. But where vs JL lacks in fresh info, it sure makes up for it in it’s authority. This aint no Nick Broomfield cant get no clerance love affair here! The list of talking heads are beyond the knees bees (Walter Cronkite, Bobby Seale, George McGovern, Geraldo!), with a ton o’ Yoko to boot, + the soundtrack oozes with nuttin but Lennon’s solo music, so what we end up with instead of an eye-opening exposé is simply a great portrait of the man behind the musician, after the Beatles let it be and Yoko let John be himself. Give peace a chance, and while yer at it, give this doc a chance, and after that, give me 7 HJs and 12837 BJs.

Possible Porno Name: The UteruS vs John’s Lemon

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Imagine: John Lennon [trailer]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next time the balcony is clothed…

13 (Tzameti)
A Lot Luckier (And Better) Than Slevin
Trailers (don’t watch, for full appreciation)

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of seeing a director’s full length feature debut that wows me so much that I’d vow right then and there to see everything they make going forward, regardless if it’s actually good or not. While you’d think that many of today’s up and comers would fall under that category (David Fincher, Mathieu Kassovitz, Bryan Singer, Danny Boyle, and Quentin Tarantino), they IMDbly don’t cause the movies that won me over were usually their second trip out (Se7en, La Haine, The Usual Suspects, Trainspotting, and Resvoir Dogs respectively). Come to think of it, there’s only one name that pops into my mind that falls into this wow and vowdom: Darren Aronofsky, after being udderly and completely entranced by his slice of the Pi. Well, I like to officially welcome the France residing Georgian (as in vodka, not peach) expatriate director, whose probably not soon to be a household name, Géla Babluani (son of Temur) into the brethren, after viddying his stark, but brilliant brilliant brilliant noirish debut 13 (Tzameti). I saw it two weeks ago and I’m still thinking about it today. To purge the plot details would ruin half the fun, so lemme try to put it as simply as possible: if The Deer Hunter was an appetizer for the cinematic world of Russian roulette then 13 (Tzameti) is the main course + desserts + a free hand job from the waitress. But I muss warn you, if you can’t deal with French black & white movies, eat a dick, cause you’ll miss out on one of the bestest flicks I’ve seen this year, well, at least one notch below the jizzum jazzdum that is Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s HOTTTttt

Recommended for those who like: the French Larry Miller, the French Richard Chamberlain, and the French Non from Superman

Possible Porno Name: 69 (All Sweaty)

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Lilja 4-Ever [Trailer] , starring the mos deliscumptious Оксана Акиньшина

Apt MPupil3: ‘How I Could Just Kill A Man’ Cypress Hill cover by country folksters Battlestar America [d from their site]

IMDb Sweeney/America, F&ck No!!!: is there anything holy? The American remake of 13 (Tzameti) is set for 2008. Supposedly (and spankfully) it will be helmed by Géla Babluani [Dark Ho]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, and you’ll think so too you breast groper!

until next time the balcony is clothed…

pee es – schlappy 78th B-day Kubrick, my lord and shaver. I promise to do u right next year… if there’s still a Thighs that needs Wide Shutting, schlobvs course!

A Scanner Darkly
The Real Pic-Czar
Trailer

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If Sin City was last year’s udderly franztatsic visually arresting eye orgasm of a movie, than A Scanner Darkly is mos def 2006’s. And although Sin was perfect from far, it was still a muss see, which is the case with Scanner. But before you invest yer rhyme and synergy, ask yoself, self, did I dig on Richie Linklater’s Dizzy Deanish talk-a-thon Waking Life? Like White Castle hamburgers, there are only two answers, yes or no, cause there aint no middle ground. So you were either mesmerized by it, or wanted to be all sick like Alex DeLarge being strapped down, viddying the unspeakable. So, if you felt a bit droogish by that eggspeareance, stay home and get a life. But if you fell under the spell, dig in, you forking drug addict.

A Scanner Darkly is another paranoid path carved out by the great Philip K Dick (Blade Runner, Total Recall, etc), yet it seems the least futuristic outta any of his stories brought to the big screen. This tale is more of a parable about drugs and society, for any day and age. The Dick-man had lost many friends to drugs, so he conjured this up as a way to preserve their memory, and to let those who live be aware of the dangers. While not all together straight-forward and coherent, which perfectly fits the brain activity of our protagonist NARC, one can’t help but being wowed at what’s going on on-screen. It’s like going to an animated art museum, sponsored by Adobe Photoshop’s filter pull-down menu. Hell, if they filmed 6 hours of a fruit bowl in that digital rotoscoping shaz, I’d still pay to see it. Luckily, the fruit bowl sits out this go around, and lets the digital scenery be chewed up by such bestness as Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr, Woody Harrelson, Slater from Dazed & Confused, and Winona Ryder, who has now replaced Harley Quinn, as the world’s sexiest digital entity that I want to penetrate. Ones and 0-HHH SSNAPPs!!!

The irony of it all is that this anti-drug film would best be enjoyed under the influence of drugs. Gawd bless America, and the fact that Linklater did this, and not School of Rock 2… yet!

Recommended for those who like: Ralph Bakshi, US patent #6061462, and dem Charles Schwab ads [via Seoul Brother #1]

Possible Porno Name: Jamming A Banana-er In Lark Voorhies‘ Lee Jeans

Unsatisfied with this? get yer OG rotoscoping jazzum on and Netflix Yellow Submarine [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘She Came in Through the Bathroom Window (rehearsal versh)’ by The Beatles (hey, who doesn’t love a don onslaught of Beatles refs?) [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Yes, the dude playing the Street Prophet, Alex Jones, was also the dude in Waking Life spouting mad isms from the PA system in his car

Next Up For A Philip K Dick Adaptation: Next, starring Nic Cage, Julianne Moore, and J Biel

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, by a nose, and by the animated boobs one gets to see

until next time the balcony is clothed…

Only Human
aka Seres Queridos
Love Is A Border Field
Trailer [that u shouldn’t watch]
Released in NY this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

I guess this movie answers the not so age old question as to what happens when a nice Jewish girl brings her steady Palestinian b-friend home to meet the family. And the answer? Hilarity, by way of ensuing. Sure, I may be biased, cause I heart Jews more than Hebrew National, but you didn’t have to be Greek to dig the Fat Wedding (it’s the wurstest movie ever, but the Father + Windex bit gets me every time). And the catch, it takes place in SPAIN! Proving that wherever Jewish families live, neurosis is abound. And whatta family, with the atypical yachneh Jewish mother, recently Kosherfied younger brother, whorish belly-dancing sister with a precious kid of her own, and to top it off, the blind grandfather, who’s not afraid to cop a feel-around. But where’s abba (that’s ‘father’ in Hebrew, not AgnethaBjörnBennyAnni-Frid)? Oh, him? Well looks like our Palestinian guest, when trying to defrost some soup that juss so happened to slip outta the window, may or may not have killed papa! YOWZERS!! You can’t even imagine where it goes from there, but remember hillarity will ensue!!

Sure, my take on modern comedies may not be like yours (sorry, but Wedding Crashers AND 40-Year Old Virgin aren’t really that funny, you juss think they were cause yer only other choice at the theaters was White Chicks), but I’m sooo sick of cheap and easy (not counting how I like my women). We need more thoughtful and smart lil comedies like this mos fantabulous one that CHALLAH BACK to the good ole days!!!

Recommended for those who like: stock images that come with computers, pregnant 5 year-olds, and those who don’t roll on Shabbos

Possible Porno Name: Boning Hume Cronyn

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Jewish/Gentile masterpiece The Frisco Kid [trailer] or the indie film with every indie star ever (sans Lili Taylor), The Daytrippers [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: file under DUHVS, ‘(I’m Only) Human’ by The Human League [d]

IMDb Sweeney: not much fun to be found on the Db, but if yer looking for Guillermo Toledo, you have two choices in the northwestern Ohio area

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next time, the balcony is clothed…