Thighs Wide Shut

Before The Devil Knows Your Dead
All In The Family Plot
Trailers & Mo

12 Angry Men, Fail Safe, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon and Network. That is da short list of udderly franztastic Sidney Lumet films. Some feel that the 83 year old filmmaker’s latest, Before The Devil Knows Your Dead, deserves a spot right next to em. While I believe it’s too early to make such claims as that, I will say that this is easily one of the year’s best films. I mean, where else are you going to find Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ethan Hawke and the great great great great great great great Albert Finney giving it their all with a fabulous story to tie it together? And that story, YEAH BABY!!!! Hoffman and Hawke play two brothers strapped for cash who decide to knock off a mom & pop jewelry store… that happens to be their mom and pop’s jewelry store! Of course nothing goes right and the rest is pure cinematic magic. Along for the ride are some solid supporters, like Aunt May Parker, that awesome Irish dude, that awesome dude who aint Irish, scary German Guy and Marisa Tomei, who finally gives us some non-body double NSFW love that I’m sure will be A-B repeated JO matz for decades to come (pun intended). What more could one ask for? How about 21381283 mo flicks with Marisa Tomei non-body double NSFW love that I’m sure will be A-B repeated JO matz for decades to come (pun not intended)

IMHO: Sindey’s breastest work of dem all? His daughter Jenny and her redonkeydonk bazingies!!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Bella
Don’t LeGoSee This
Trailers & Mo

The Italian word ‘bella‘ means ‘beautiful‘, and the Mexican film of the same name attempts the same translation with audiences, but it ends up quite snoozeiful. Oy yoy yoy yoy yoy to the Jenna von Oy^th degree! I dunno what rock of crack the people were smoking at the ‘006 TIFF when they gave it their Choice Award, but it mussa been some purty darn good shiz cause this schmaltz fest aint even worthy of a 4am showing on the Hallmark Movie Channel. The MPAA should change the rating from PG-13 to NC-117 so no one will have to watch this. The only eggception should be for insomniacs lookin for some Rip Van Winkle type zzzzzzzzzs

Dirty Landry: the only thang bella goings on here is hottie Ali Landry, who happens to be the wife of director Alejandro Gomez Monteverde. Can’t figure out if that’s an upgrade or not from her former hubby, Mario Lopez

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Thighs & Eyes Out Repoopulouzzzz

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lake of Fire
Abortions For Some, Miniature American Flags For Others?
Trailer

Both exhaustive and exhausting, the documentary Lake of Fire is two and a half eyeopening hours of nothing but abortion show & tell, all put on display in glorious black & white. By tell, we get a nice mixed bag of talking heads, from doctors to scholars to fundamentalists to women from all walks of life, including Ms Roe (v Wade) herself, Norma McCorvey, now a pro-life cheerleader. And by show, I mean we’re gonna get the whole sick and kaboodle, including actual abortions and the fetuses that get aborted. Yeah, this is pretty much the worst date movie ever created. Tony Kaye, whom you may remember as the director who wanted his name removed from his brills American History X, started working on this in the early 90s, and with this issue far from ever being resolved, he coulda kept on filming for centuries to come. This important piece of work doesn’t dare to take a side, and by the end of the film, you may find yourself in the same shoes

A-O Kaye: Kaye has directed several music videos, including Soul Asylums’ ‘Runaway Train’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

LoF opens today in limited theaters

Into The Wild
Nome Alone Part II
(Part I was The Last Winter)
Trailer & Mo

Upon graduation from Emory University, Christopher McCandless turned his back on society, by shedding his possessions and dumping his family, and trekked his way on up to the last frontier of the Alaskan wilderness, where mother nature would eventually take his life. The best part of the whole story is that Chris was a real person (played with much heart by Cuthbert JOer Emile Hirsch), and that his fascinating adventure of the human spirit received the rich treatment it so rightly deserves, all at the gentle hands of Spicoli, cherry topped with vibrant tunes by Eddie Vedder. There’s a lot to admire about tenderfoot McCandless’ theories on life, but there’s also a lot to despise on his practice of such high ideals. If you ever saw Warner Herzog’s chilling doc Grizzly Man [TWS.org review] you know what I is stalkin bout. And if you didn’t, basically man will always lose out to nature, regardless of how great a person you are. Into The Wild will make you run for the hills, but for once that’s a good thing, since our country’s hills are so effin beautiful

Book Smarts: the book In The Wild is actually an expansion of an article written by the same author Jon Krakauer, entitled Death of an Innocent for Outside Magazine [wikiPOOdia]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Eastern Promises
Russian Dressing For Success
Trailers & Mo

David Cronenberg looks to have found his muse in the shape and form of Viggo Mortensen. The two first ‘wowed’ audiences together with ’05’s A History of Violence (we found it a bit too overrated), and they’re going to do it again here with Eastern Promises (this time around, I’m on the ‘wowed’ side of thangs). The story, by Dirty Pretty Things scribe Steven Knight, is purty straightforward (nice girl nurse Naomi Watts gets sucked into a Russian mafia underground world and has trouble getting out), but I was able to immerse myself a heck of a lot more here than with Violence. Spankfully, there’s no over the top Pacinoesque performance weighing the film down, like what William Hurt added (actually ‘subtracted’ would be a better word) from Violence‘s final act. Instead, what we are treated to are 3 very diverse actors (American Mortensen, Frenchie Vincent Cassel and the always scary German Armin Mueller-Stahl) making us easily believe that they’re all crooked Russian mobsters takin care of bidness in the side of London you don’t see on a postcard. While I won’t bother peppering this film with redonkeylous ‘masterpiece’ blather, I will say that you’ll find little wrong with this gem of a picture. And that’s a western promise!

IMDb Sweeney: Sinéad Cusack, who plays Watts’ mum, in real life is Jeremy Irons’ bizatch. The two have appeared together in the films Stealing Beauty and Waterland, as well as 2 TV movies and a mini-series

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Silk
Not So Smooth Sailing
Trailer

It has taken director François Girard 9 long years to follow-up on his mos delightful film Red Violin. How fitting a time frame, cause that’s about how long in felt to watch his latest, Silk. Mord oh lighty, there isn’t a cocoon big enuff in this world to save you, me and everyone we know from this gigantor snoozefest. I’d rather watch a 24 part documentary on silk production than sit thru this tale about a French silkworm smuggler, who travels to the untouched by white man lands of Japan, falls in love with a native, returns home, pines for the girl, returns to Japan, returns home, zzzzzzzzzzzz, etc, more zzzzzzzzz, and some more etc. The grade-A(cting) chops of Alfred Molina, a few nude scenes with Keira Knightley and the majestic scenic beauty of Eurasia, all deserve a better movie than this. And can someone please explain to me how Michael Pitt continues to get cast in film after film, and by such grape directors as Bertolucci, van Sant, Shyamalan, Abel Ferrara and Larry Clark? Outside of aping Kurt Cobain and raping Hedwig and his/her music, he has shown about as much talent as the mayor of Talent, Oregon. I think he should be forced to compete on NBC’s America’s Got Talent before he lands another role

I Still JO To You Knightley: for someone with boobs the size mosquito bites, tits still nice to see Keria Knightley show em so often [NSFW]!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit My Snoozing Eyes Out Repoopulous

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

In the Shadow of the Moon
The Apollo Creed
Trailer & Mo

There really are no muss see movies in life, but this doc comes purty darn close to required viewing, and that goes for every living person on this earth… including you Saudis, even though you don’t have a single movie theater in your country. In The Shadow of The Moon brings together, for the first and maybe last time, the remaining crew members of the 9 Apollo missions (although media-shy Neil Armstrong declined to appear in it, his presence is still mos certainly felt), to tell their incredible tales of how they helped to fulfill JFK’s challenge to our nation ‘of landing a man on the Moon and returning him safely to the Earth‘ before the end of the 60s

Obviously we did make it happen, but you’ll still marvel at how they could possibly do so, in a much more archaic age, where people under 18 actually had a hard time obtaining pornographic material to JO to. I’m sure many of you, like myself, will walk out of this and wish you were born in an earlier time, so that you could have experienced this remarkable journey first hand. Since that’s an impossibility, this doc, complete with pristine NASA archival footage (some never seen before), comes purty darn close to making up for it. While the missions were wholly American, the accomplishments were for the world to share. If only we had a remarkable event today to bring us all together (besides Coca-Cola). While we wait for such a thing, please go see In The Shadow of The Moon. Making the leap to the theater is juss one small step for you, but one giant leap for mankindness

Buzzy Bee: one of the more colorful astronauts who appear in the doc is Buzz Aldrin, who, thankfully this time around, was not interviewed by Ali G

Us & Them: here lies the video/music mash-up of The Dark Side of Oz/Dark Side of the Rainbow (thanks to de la Roachclip, I sorta saw it work back in my college daze). Too impatient to watch it all? Rolling Snooze went thru the trouble of pickin out the better bits

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

3:10 to Yuma
Homeboys On The Range
Trailer & Mo

I aint no fan of westerns, but if I had to choose a genre to make a comeback, I’d pick it 8 outta 10 times over musicals. While 3:10 To Yuma may not usher in a new era of unshaven dirty gunslingers, it’s still way more entertaining than John Travolta dancing in a fat suit. Director James Mangold follows up his Walk The Line with a different sorta man in black tale, a solid remake of the classic ’57 film of the same name, but like most of his films, it’s the casting that wins us over, and not the storytelling. Yuma pits poor rancher Christian Bale against bad bad man Russell Crowe, who has a date with the titular train. In the beginning, the two are as distant as me from a veggieburger, but as they make the trek to train station, the two strike up an unlikely kinship. This is the film’s main thrust and folly. While I can see why Crowe’s character could identity with Bale’s need for redemption, I juss don’t buy that he’d help him out, especially when it will still end up in his own imprisonment. Not only that, but in the process Crowe has to turn against his trusted outlaw buddies who are trying to rescue him. Even though Bale and Crowe chew up the scenery, it’s actually Six Feet Under‘s Ben Foster who makes the biggest bite. The guy totally pwns the angry man screen persona… which leads me to wonder how he could be so miscast as X-Maner Angel

Show-Times: there are plenty o ‘films with a time in the title, but there’s only one that stars Casey Siemaszko, Lisa Simpson and that’s directed by the Rattle & Hum dude, the ’87 mastercheese that be Three O’Clock High [trailer]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Mos Def Worth Yer Peepers

Fierce People
A Tribe Quest Called
Trailer
(which is a much watch so u can hear the faux versions of
‘Under Pressure’, ‘The Passanger’ and ‘Bittersweet Symphony’ )

Fierce People wants to be a lotta thangs, but one thing it probably didn’t want to be was a film that’s released in theaters 2 years after it first hit up the festival circuit. I can see how that’s possible, cause it’s a mess, but then again, it’s one of the more earnest messes I’ve enjoyed this year (Spidey 3 was another mess we approved of, but that didn’t quit
e understand the importance of being earnest goes to camp). What starts off as a nice lil coming of age piece (on top of the drug recovery and eccentric tycoon story threads that run along side it), eventually takes an unexpected dark turn, which for some viewers, may quickly erase any positive feelings you may have had leading up to it. Director Griffin Dunne (Johnny Dangerously‘s lil brother Tommy) and writer Dirk Wittenborn certainly have something on their hands here, but I actually think the crazy world that they created would be better suited for an HBO/Showtime type series. There’s too many interesting characters inhabiting that world, and frankly, we don’t get to spend enough time with any of them. But why not spend some of your time with them instead of none of it? I’ll leave that up to you

Eat At Perkins: I for one am very glad that Elizabeth Perkins’ career is turning itself around. I for one also love the fact that she showed us her perkies at least once [NSFW]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): on the lower end, but still Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Superbad
McWhatevs
Trailer & Mo

There’s nothing pardickularly special about Superbad. It’s basically American Pie reheated, with a lot less high school seniors, and sadly, no nudity in sight. C’mon guys, you mcnabb an ‘R’ rating and you don’t even have one boob to show for it? I’m sure Shannon Elizabeth and her NSFWness were available for W. Superbad runs way too superlong, thanks in most part to the two bumbling keystone cops that bring the film to a grinding halt, just when the story was actually starting to take shape. There are indeeds laffs, but they’re of the easy South Parkesque ilk, and are spread way too superthin throughout this 2 hour teen sorta-sex comedy. The only real bright spot in this run-of-the-mill flick is the superdweeb Fogell, aka McLovin, played by superraw talent Christopher Mintz-Plasse. He’s the only one bringing something new to the table here. He’s essentially a more developed, sweeter version of AP‘s the Shermanator. Since the box office has been mos kind to Superbad, I wouldn’t rule out a sequel. Well, if that is the case, Mr Producer Apatow, please ditch everything that isn’t McLovable, which does not include supercutie Emma Stone, who’s totally Laura Prepon for the late aughties!

Shiz Is Fo Real: Mintz-Plasse isn’t the only star to come outta El Camino Real High School. He joins the not so superlong list that includes Brad Garrett, Peter Brady, America Ferrera and ex-Falcon RB Jamal Anderson

Underage Against The Machine: make yer own McLovin ID

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But Not Stinkin Badges

Death At A Funeral
Love Death Actually
Trailer & Mo

While the rest of you folks are out there anointing Superbad as the next best thang with your hard earned dollars, yer truly missing out on not only the funniest film of the summer, but quite possibly of the year. And that’s no joke. Frank Oz, the infamous voice of Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Grover, Cookie Monster and Yoda, has shown over the years that he has quite voice of his own, as a film director. Besides two Jim Henson related joints, his resume consists of only 10 feature films, but some of them will be providing laffs for decades to come, like Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, In & Out, Bowfinger, What About Bob and unintentionally, the mos painful Stepford Wives remake. Wellski, you can easily add the laff riot that be Death At A Funeral to that list. Bee leave me folks, I had the lowest of low eggspecations for this broad British comedy of hijinks that ensure at a funeral, but I was quickly won over by the snappy writing and ensemble of colorful characters that populate it. Three of whom, I’d like to quickly give some props to: Daisy Donovan, who’s like a younger Emma Thompson, Andy Nyman, who’s like a shorter Ricky Gervais, and American Alan Tudyk, who’s probably the finest actor you’ve never heard of

1 Wedding & A Funeral: Matthew Macfadyen, who played Mr. Darcy in Knightley’s P&P, is married in real life to his screen wife Keeley Hawes. The two met on the set of the BBC’s drama Spooks

Aint Yer Average Jane: Jane Asher, who plays the recently windowed matriarch, was once engaged to none other than Paul McCartney. Supposedly, she’s the inspiration for the songs ‘Here, There and Everywhere’, ‘I’m Looking Through You’, ‘And I Love Her’, ‘For No One’ and ‘We Can Work It Out’.

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…