Thighs Wide Shut

Il Divo
Poli(Fantas)tics!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

‘You’re either the most cunning criminal in the country because you never got caught, or you’re the most persecuted man in the history of Italy.’ This quote came from a journalist who was interviewing Giulio Andreotti, one of the mos infamous, mysterious and polarizing Italian political figures of the past half century. Andreotti was a seven-time Prime Minister, and has also served the role of minister for numerous departments within the Italian government over the past 5 decades. He has forever been linked with the Mafia, murders, obstruction of justice and purty much anything else you can think of when it comes to corruption in politics. He makes Rod Blagojevich look about as criminal as Rod Strickland Serling rocking out to Jacko’s ‘Smooth Criminal’, and unlike Blago, Andreotti’s been prosecuted, but has never been convicted of any crime or removed from office, as he still serves his country to this day. Writer/director Paolo Sorrentino takes us on the biopic route, focusing on the events of his life and country starting in 1991, when the heat on him began to simmer like hell. Il Divo‘s results are perhaps the bestestiest Italian-infused flick we’ve seen since Goodfellas. That aint no lie, so eat it Gomorrah, and all that overripe overhype you gotz! But you don’t have to take our word for it, as the film placed 3rd at last year’s Cannes, an honor bestowed in the past to the likes of All About Eve, Z and Persepolis

We knew were were watching something rather special as we couldn’t stop from smiling as the creative multi-dimensional opening credits rolled, while numerous politicians, journalists and other people standing in the way were getting plugged one after the other. It only got better and butter from there, beginning with those bangs and continuing with even more bangs! The 110 minute flick flew by with ease, and as the information came a flying, it was hard to keep up with all the rapid fire subtitle reading, while at the same time trying to comprehend all the pieces to the puzzle that is Andreotti. That aint no complaint eversowhat, as we’re eager to see it a second time for a clearer understanding of the people, places and things. Yep, it’s that good folks, even if you’ll be lost at times like a Jew watching The Passion of The The The Christ (we had no idea what the fork was going on, besides all that cross stuff). Toni Servillo (also seen in Gomorrah) walks many a kilometer in Andreotti’s shoes, and is so convincing as the cold and calculating politician that we end up rooting for him to beat any and all raps brought upon him. Thanks to some stupendous hair and make up work (it’s rare we make mention of such a thing, so props de leon to you Aldo Signoretti, Marco Perna and Vittorio Sodano), Tony! Toni! Toné! disappears into the role, looking like a cross between Peter Bogdanovich and Frankenberry. If this film were to be more widely distributed and received the kinda year end love and attention that most American biopics get (Frost/Nixon, Ray, Capote, et al), Servillo would be a shoo-in for a Best Actor nom. Anything less would be criminal

¡Tre Amici!: Andreotti, Sinatra, Nixon, for one night only!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Il Divo opens only in NY today, but should open everywhere if we controlled the universe like Andy Richter

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Bet you don’t remember what flick took home the coveted #1 slot in 2008’s Thighs Wide Movie Awards, cause you probably never heard of it and probably cause said ‘it’ never came to a theater near Jews last year. We aint giving hints here, cause none are needed you witdim, and so w/o further Freddy Adu lettuce reintroduce you to Stranded: I Have Come From A Plane That Crashed On The Mountains [avails on DVD only], what we called an ‘unbelievable (seriously, it’s truly not believable what happened to these peoples) and beyond captivating doc that tells this ultimate tale of survival from the actual survivors themselves‘. Breast enjoyed for those who never saw Alive, but regardless, Stranded is a muss muss muss sea for anyone who has eyeballs and ears. Even if you don’t have ears, you should still czech it out since the interviewees speak in their native tongue and thus, titles are subbed. The DVD includes an also muss watch 52 minute featurette, including unused interviews + hammazin footage of the survivors on the set talking to the actors recreating their horrible ordeal. Until we watched that ‘ette, we hadn’t a clue that the snowy Andes reenactments were hactually filmed on sand! So does that make ‘desert for mountains’ the new ‘day for night’?

The Wrestler is to Mickey Rourke as JCVD [Blu Ray | DVD] is to Jean-Claude Van Damme. Instead of delving into retread territory like Sylvester Stallone has lately, J-C VD cashes in big time with a self-reflexive film (then again, J-C VD didn’t have any characters like Rocky or Rambo worth reviving, but that’s not stopping a 3rd Universal Solider flick). Critics loved it, as it turned out to be the mos positively reviewed film of his life. JVCD is one giant pot shot on his career and how the pride of Belgium has fallen from Hollywood’s grace. Sure, it kinda runs long at just over an hour and a half, but it’s a heckuva lotta fun and sirprizngly, often hilarious (gawd bless the John Woo jokes). Think of it as a European Tropic Thunder, w/o any of the pointless Tom Cruise fatsuit cameos. We gotta kick outta this double impact maximum risk of this oh so hard target, so don’t be all cyborg and watch this street fighter get all human

both films hit up Netflix/stores/whores next Tuesday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lymelife
Tick Tick… Boomtastic!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Lymelife presents us with two Long Island clans from the late 70s, the Bartletts and the Braggs. Both have their fair share of issues and are intertwined for butter or worse. The Bartletts consist of housing developer pop (Alec Baldwin, in full on yelling mode, and yes, that’s always a good thing), who’s no longer in love with mom (an eye-opening Jill Hennessy, who has squandered her talents on TV for weigh two long), so he finds solace in the arms of his coworker, mama Bragg (the dependable Cynthia Nixon), who’s also not in love with her spouse, a withdrawn lyme-diseased Vietnam Vet (a brilliant Timothy Hutton). Watching from the sidelines are their kids, sardonic army solider Jimmy Bartlett (Kieran Culkin, the silly Culkin), his innocent Star Wars obsessed younger brother Scott (Rory Culkin, perhaps the mos soulful actor of the Culkin brood) and the not so innocent cutie pie Adrianna Bragg (Emma Roberts, acting real in her first real movie). Scott is the center of our attention, and we easily feel sorry and root for him in the same breath. He has an obvious crush on Adrianna, and as their respective family lives are going to sh#t, their awkwardly budding relationship is the film’s singular light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Director Derick Martini‘s fine film (exec-proded by Martin Scorsese!) reminded us a heckuva lot of another ‘things fall apart’ masterpiece, The Squid and the Whale (one of our mos flavorite films of this decade). Lymelife fantastically hits similar notes that Whale played to much more perfection, yet it has its own unique voice (and a klassic with a k soundtrack) that you should fo sho prick up your ears to

Family Thighs: Rory Culks has played a younger version of his brother Macaulay twice (The Good Son and Ri¢hie Ri¢h) and Kieran once (Igby Goes Down)

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Sin Nombre
Makes A Nombre For Itself
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

If City of God split half of its gangster time with a tale of attempting to cross over the American border from Mexico, it would mos likely resemble Cary Fukunaga‘s Sin Nombre. We getz to follow around a lil gun toting hombre (Edgar Flores), who one day has a change of heart about his evil ways and decides to help a poor young adorable girl reach her goal of gettin to New Jersey (Paulina Gaitan, who made her way to NJ as a sex slave in 2007’s purty decent Trade… c below). The performances are genuine, the locations are sincredible, the gangsta shiz is gangtastic, but it all feels a tad o’ beens therez, donez thats. Well, so did Lymelife, and we recommend that you see that, and since Nombre also has its own uniqueness to it, you should probably czech it out taz wellz

H₂Oh No!: Paulina es muy bonita, but someone peas get this girl in a movie that doesn’t involve her treading water!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lymelife opens today in NY only, and elsewhere elsewhen, where Sin Nombre is nombreing it up

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sunshine Cleaning
Not Much More Than Meets The Supplies
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Sunshine Cleaning starts with a bang (a man offs himself in a gun store) and ends in predictability (life’s tough, but we’ll make it through, together, as a family!). And it’s no real sirprize that it turned its decent potential (a house cleaner becomes a CSI quicker picker upper) into an underwhelming slice of familiarity when the movie typecasted it’s tight cast (we won’t even bother mentioning that Sunshine was produced by the team behind Little Miss Sunshine… although we juss did, and this new Sunshine coulda used a tad of the quirkiness that the other had too much of). Amy Adams plays a cheery, but vulnerable girl. Emily Blunt is an easily annoyed, eye-rolling sourpuss. Alan Arkin is a witty grampa who’s so loving, and so witty! And grumpy gus Mary Lynn Rajskub sports a look on her face like she was in a Willie McGee impersonator competition. That’s some of the least stretching we’ve seen since we didn’t stretch for every PE class during middle school (go Jags!). The movie isn’t anywhere close to being bad. Then again, so is eating at Taco Bell, but you don’t have to eat at Taco Bell

Most Kind of Wonderful: we’re pleased as punch to know that Eric Stoltz’ lil sister in Some Kind of Wonderful (Maddie Corman) is still employed as an actress

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Watchmen
Any Movie We See Twice In A Theater Is Bona Fide Bestness
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

no qualms from these sweaty palms in viewing #2 of the movie with the greatestesteistest opening credits mt EVERest, cept:

people probably won’t love it as much if they haven’t read the graphic novel comic books

Frank Langella should have played Nixon

Michael Sheen should have played /Frost

Stanley Hudson should have played Dr Malcolm Long

Ozymandias needed to be less British, more buff, less gay, less guy from Match Point

in addition to being JFK’s killer, the Comedian should have also been the Zodiac too

Zodiac should have won best picture

how can Zack Snyder get any more visionary than this?

more credits for Eli Snyder

more Akerman hotness

more NSFW Akerman hotness

let more women kiss Silhouette

more blue penis

why wasn’t it 17 hours long?

Verdictgo: still BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!, but not with even more!!!!!

Cleaning is currently playing in limited release, while Wacthmen is still being watched at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Watchmen
Hero Worship That’s Beyond See Worthy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Well, the wait is finally over and the weight of the world’s expectations on Zack Snyder‘s big screen adaptation of the seminal Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons/John Higgins masterpiece has been lifted, and the result is simply irresistible (be sure to look out for the Robert Palmer ref in the film!). Fanboys and purists will rejoice, newbies will be overwhelmed at first glance, but ultimately converted, and everyone (including you ladies out there) will walk away wanting to bang Silk Spectre II in an Owlmobile, on Mars or anywhere their hearts and farts desire after they witness her fitness (more on her below)

That’s right folks, the Watchmen flick does not disappoint in any way, shape or form… well at least to us it didn’t. While watching, we ran the gamut of emotions, from headshaking disbelief of its faithfulness to the book, to open mouth awe-gaping in amazement at this technical achievement, to full out boners, and not juss for SSII, but for the fact that this could be one of the bestest super hero movies mt EVEREST (can’t hurt when the source material is the knees bees to end all knees bees)

Sure, some of the characters and lil side and back stories and other goodies have been thrown overboard like the pirate in the Tales of the Black Freighter, but we’re not going to complain when this lean 163 minuted version of the film passed like it was 23 minutes long (we welcome the 190 minute director’s cut that we assume will feel like it’s 37 minutes long).

But we are who we is so we will state our minor complaints: no love for the origin of Rorschach’s mask??? the soundtrack was solid, but why leave out the killer tunes from the two trailers (‘The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning’ by The Smashing Pumpkins [d] ‘Take A Bow’ by Muse [d])?? and thanks for the NSFW Malin stuffs, but no NSFW for her mumsy Carla Gugino? Sure, it woulda come at an awful point in the story, but it’s common knowledge that her sin-citytastic screen body doesn’t deserve clothes!! One complaint you won’t find here is anything to do with the ‘new ending’. Not much has really changed, and whatever has doesn’t affect the outcome and the wallop it packs. There’s actually some nice minor touches added here and there (most are in the montage at the beginning, like showing the Comedian actually plugging JFK, and Ozymandias hanging out at Studio 54 with Ziggy Stardust and the Village People + the 1984 Apple commerical) and they only add to the fun. We could go on an on, but we’re too busy trying to finger out when we’re gonna see it again

Who watches the Watchmen? Hopefully everyone!

Crowning Achivement: it’s been too long (that’s what she said), so we’re doing what mus be done and naming a brand spankin new Her Royal Thighness. meat the sweetest Swedish fish mt vesuvius, Malin Maria Ã…kerman (with or w/o the brunette wig), Her Royal Thighness IX!!!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!

Watchmen opens at a theater new Jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Uninvited
Répondez S’il Vous Plaîted Out, With A Side of Hotttt Sisters
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

reason #1!

Emily Browning, that adorable girl with those luscious jackson lips that sink ships from Lemony Snicket, who we can finally talk dirty about cause the girl will be/is a woman soon/now finally/finally (aka, she’s legal seafood now!)

reason #2!

Arielle Kebbel, who has one of the moistest fun names to say, especially in her ear, when we’re giving her the old in-out, in-out. she’s always in crappy movies and we feel bad for her. we also feel her up

these sweet cheeked cheekie cheeks play sweet cheeked cheekie cheek sisters in The Sixth Sense The Hand That Rocks The Cradle What Lies Beneath The Uninvited. their dad is Edward R Murrow and he’s totally banging Elizabath ‘Apparently I Never Turn Down Any Script’ Banks. they don’t like her (we’re starting to feel the same way) and they think she killed their mumsy. the whole time we’re led to believe that Banks did kill their mums, but can it be as simple as that? or is there a twist heading our way that’s about as twisty as The Fat Boys’ cover of the Chubby Checker cover of the Hank Ballard and the Midnighters original song? or both? or neither?

who cares cause it’s all about the Browning-Kebbel eye and thigh candy up on the big screen. unfortch these aren’t the kinda sisters that take showers together to save time and the earth’s resources, so our consolation prize is one lil scene where they hold hands in bed. it’s nuttin to fax home about, but we haven’t been this eggcited by a bed sharing scene between two hotties we sweat more than the fat people sweat in Sweatin’ To The Oldies since The Quiet, aka the movie where TWO Her Royal Thighnesses (Cuthbest and Camilla Ring Our Belle) share a bed cause nature intended it! Speaking of Her Royal Thighnessesesses, our current one (that’s Leonor Watling, for those praying at home) juss gave birth to a bebé that isn’t ours so it’s off with her head!! while we search thigh and low for her replacement, the raw offices of Browning-Kebbel will fill in as temporary HRTs. which lady in weighting do you bee leave is moist deserving of sitting on the throne of Thighland and sitting on our face?

The Ending of a Don Era: although he’s in the movie for 8.6 seconds, The Uninvited marks the very last motion picture performance of our main man amongst Charles Mann, Don S. Davis. you may know him breast as Scully’s Dad or the other voice of Wild Bill or that dude from that show, but in our hearts and in our farts, he will always remain Major Garland Briggs

breast in peace Major!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges, although the chicks are BREAST IN SHOW!!

The Uninvited is currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…