Thighs Wide Shut

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Training Campy
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

If you were a boy and grews up in the 80s then you will mos likely revel and howl out loud in the dumb fun that is the long long long time coming live-action big screen edition of G.I. Joe. If you somehow missed out on the 80s phenomena that was overloaded with action figures, TV shows and comic books (all so so so so grrrrrrreat), then here are two reasons why you should jump in sight-unseen, head first (the head being the one in your pants)…

Sienna Miller and her cleavage as the Baroness!!!!!

unfortch for us, the Baroness didn’t bare ass!!!

and Rachel Nichols and her clevelands as Scarlett!!!!!

you might remember her as the green bizatch that Capt’n Kirk fizzle flazzed with in the new Star Trek flick

Oh what, that hot-ta-ta-ness was snot goodnov for yous? What if we told you that it was 69 thymes butter and entertaings than both Transformer flicks, and G.I. Joe didn’t have one single robot in it (remember, Megan Fox is a robot too)??? TIS TRUE!! Big ups to you poopmiester Stephen Sommers!! This refarted awesomeness even tops the refarted awesomeness that was your first Mummy movie!!! What makes Joe work hispecially so well is its awareness of how campy AND crappy it’s being, but plays it straight from start to finish (thanks to some real thespians like Christopher Eccleston as Destro, Saïd Taghmaoui as Breaker, Jonathan Pryce as the Prez, Dennis Quaid as Hawk and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander… tellin ya, he’s like Heath Ledger Jr). The effects, CGI and fight scenes (the Paris bit being the forkin bomb-diggity) are so beyond belief that you end up being blown away beyond belief, while laffing all the way at its ludicrousnisity!! Sure, there are some striking similarities with Team America [St Elsewhere] and the plot borrows heavily from the world of Star Wars: epic sword fight duels (between the kick ass Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow and Ray Park/Darth Maul as Snake Eyes, although Snakey with leather lips was kinda odd), deeply scarred men looking for revenge (guess who?), and so on and so forth, including a trip to an underwater world (thankfully w/o the blabbering blubber that is Boss Nass), but who frakin cares? It was probably better for them to steal ideas from flicks that worked than to try and come up with new ones that woulda sucked!! Even the lughead actors (Channing Tatum as Duke, Arnold Vosloo as Zartan and Marlon Wayans as Ripcord) step up to the plate beautifully and did what them din done had to do (the corny jokes are so perfectly corny!!). And sure, there were a bunch of Joes and Cobras we would love to have seen, but with a promising first weekend box office, word has it that flavorites Tomax & Xamot, Shipwreck and Wild Bill may make it into the sequel!!! So please, czech your notions preconceived at the door, turn off your mind, drop your pants and give into this late summer sizzlin’ mastercheese! And now you know, and knowing is half the battle!!!

PSAs That Aint Ever Passé: peep 27 of the original Joe PSAs from the cartoon, which are thighlarious on their own, that is until you hear the redonk redubbed versions over at eBaum’s

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

G.I. Joe is currently yo-yoing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

In The Loop
Poli-Ticked Off
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Sharp! Witty! Not larf out loud funny, but does In The Loop ryl have to be when tits political commentary is both utterly biting and udderly funtastic? NO! It habsolutely snot doesn’t has to, cause it’s also mad clever, zippy, zowey, and plays like a Ricky Gervais TV show with less uncomfortableness. Adapted from the British show The Thick of It (wich we haven’t seen, but now be dying to), the film reunites the same directing/writing trio of Armando Iannucci, Jesse Armstrong and Simon Blackwell that put it together in the first place + some of the key OG actors, like the swears and sails like a sailor Peter Capaldi and the bumbling Chris Addison, while adding the deliriously delectable always creepy, usually clueless Tom Hollander (so greeeeeeeeat in Pride & Prejudice), gem Gina McKee (see her in Wonderland NOW, and no, tis not that Wonderland), and sum wickedly rawkin American compatriotism from Tony Soprano, My Girl, Sledgehammer and Mimi Kennedy, who looked so familiar, and we couldn’t finger out why, but spanks to IMDb we fingered out that she played Christian Slater’s mum in Pump Up The Volume! In The Loop pumps up the intellectual humor volume to 11, so if you don’t have a brain, you should probably stay away and ease on down the yellow broke road to get one, or maybe go and see that Judd Apatow movie that we won’t run out to see cause suddenly seeing numerous fat Jewish dudes on a big screen has lost its luster, and anywayz, everyone knows it’s all about silly skinny British people these days, although silly fat British people are totally cool… as long as they’re not blowing hot air in a Judd Apatow movie. EAT IT APATOW!!

Stranger Than Nonfiction: tis quite fitting that the uncredited actor Patrick Michael Strange has quite a ‘strange’ selection of promo shots under is profile

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

da Loop is currently gettin loopy in select theaters across America

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

The State: The Complete Series
buy the DVD

Sure, it may not be anywhere close to being as funny as we remember it from our formative years (1993-95), but that doesn’t mean for a second that the 10 men + 1 woman strong (Kevin Allison, Michael Ian Black, Ben Garant, Todd Holoubek, Michael Patrick Jann, Kerri Kenney, Thomas Lennon, Joe Lo Truglio, Ken Marino, Michael Showalter and David Wain) comedy troupe turned awfully smart sketch TV show The State isn’t worth revisiting, or for you rooks out there, taking a maiden voyage on, hispecially since many of its alum are still mucking about and creating laffs on TV and in film. After years and years of empty promises and false hope and false promises and empty hope, the entire series has finally arrived on DVD, and the wait is well well well worth it. Like any sketch comedy show, the segments are hit or miss (juss like with the classic Ben Stiller Show), but The State had plenty of memorable moments (Louie, Doug, expensive pudding, and the long forgotten MTV Sports with Dan Cortese spoof) that makes it easier to overlook the not so memorable ones. The extras are notch top, and healthily spread throughout the 5 disc set. There’s commentary for each and every ep, interviews and TV appearances from back in the day (including one on Jon Stewart’s MTV show), promos (love the one highlighting their negative reviews), outtakes, unaired sketches (!) and the original pilot. One of our mo flavorite features were the closed captions, so we could finally learn what the hell the lyrics were to their opening theme song (wait, they weren’t saying ‘Armed to go’?)! With this and the also long overdue release of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (which, despite a whoreriffic wardrobe, has aged quite nicely), you’ll be in early 90s heaven, a place we always love to escape to, and you should too!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Cove
A Higher Porpoise In Life
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

There’s something awfully rotten goings on in Japan, and not many people know about it, well, that is until now, with the release of the call to arms, engrossing and sometimes gross doc The Cove. In the tiny coastal town of Taiji, dolphins in their natural habitat are captured, the best being sold off to seaquariums around the globe, and the rest, in a secluded cove (we smell a title here!), are slaughtered and turned into meat (passed off as whale meat) and distributed to national grocery stores and local schools. Not only are these killings harsh and pointless to our smarty jones friends of the sea, but the meat they’re doling out contains high levels of Mercury, and the last time we checked, Mercury is hactually less healthy for you than triple fried fried chicken in gravy. And guess what, the people of Taiji make a lot of effin money off these dolphins and will do anything within their abusive powers to prevent anyone from meddling with their affairs, dastardly practices and giant pocket books, at home and abroad

Enter Ric O’Barry, the OG trainer of the dolphins that appeared in the beloved 60s TV show Flipper. Flipper‘s success single-handedly launched the world’s obsession with dolphins, and gave rise to places like Sea World, where we watch them do stoopid silly tricks with beach balls and splashing water. At first, O’Barry took advantage of the craze, but as time wore on, he realized that his aquatic friends really really really loathed being caged up for our amusement (there’s an unforgettable and heartbreaking story he tells about one of the Flipper dolphins) and decided to take action on their behalf. His crusade has recently taken him to Taiji and it’s hidden cove, but this battle is almos as hard as fighting Nick Rivers in an underwater bar

Enter the dragon photographer turned director Louie Psihoyos, who along with O’Barry assembles a crack team of sound and videographers, divers and even ILM special effects gurus to investigate further and try to expose these atrocities to the world. Mission set, and thru a giant game of cat and mouse played with the townpeeps, done up in a thrilling Man On Wire style (but there aint no reenactments here kids!), mission accomplished! That doesn’t mean that they’ve solved the problem, but they did get the message out, and the resulting documentary will make you enraged and want to join the cause. The Cove is truly a muss see for anyone who has eyes (people w/o eyes need not apply), which means if you see one doc this year, make it this one (who knows what else comes out this fall, but it’s gonna be hard to top this), and if you see two docs this year, make it the one below that’s not in Kansas anymo

Carpathianbaggers: ‘phin activist Hayden Panettiere and her trip to Taiji makes a brief appearance in the film, but the more impressive cameo comes about when the boys go to the ILM studios to pick up some toys for their trip, and standing in the background starring them down is none other than (the painting of) Vigo from Ghostbusters II!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Shiow

Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation!
All Up In The Down Underground
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

While Peter Weir‘s costumed dramas may have put Australia on the movie map (before Crocodile Dundee erased it), they didn’t pave the way quite like the Z-movie jiggle fests, decapitation sprees and redonk stunt spectaculars that came before em in the early 70s and 80s. George Miller‘s Mad Max may be the only one any of us have ever heard of, but after watching Mark Hartley‘s overloaded (in a good way) doc on the subject, you’ll quickly want to rectify that (of course, only after saving the dolphins!). All the interviewees are colorful and overly candid, with such Outback luminaries chiming in as Barry Humphries, George Lazenby, Rod Taylor, Susannah York, Owen Lars’ dad Cliegg and numerous others folk (including stuntman extraordinaire Grant Page) that none of us have ever had the pleasure of knowing + some Yanks who were dragged across the world to bring some ‘class’ to their industry, like Jamie Lee Curtis, Dennis Hopper, Stacy Keach, as well as superfan Quentin Tarantino, who’s enthusiasm here is a plus, when it’s usually the opposite. In a bust-a-nutshell, NQH: TW,USoO is an absolute BLAST (and the wursted title we’ve ever tried to abbreviate). There probably won’t be another film out this summer that contains as much non-stop action, suspense, horror and romance (read boobies, and LOTS of em) as NQH: TW,USoO did, and that’s a 986% guarantee or your money crack! If you have an attention span shorter than your dad’s penis then come one, come all over the place and see this love letter to the early free-wheeling days of Australian cinema!

Women Glow & Men Plunder: had TWS.org been alive and well-hung, living in Australia during their new wave of cinema, there woulda been so much NSFW love on this site that yer palms woulda been hairier than Borat’s nephew Boltok, esp with lovely ladies like Deborah Gray, Cheryl Rixon, Lynda Stoner and Abigail gettin their yam-yams out again & again!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

docs Da Cove and Not Quite Hollywood dish out medicine today in NY/LA only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Harry Potter and
The Half-Blood Prince
Give Me Puberty AND Give Me Death
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Harry Potter movie universe aint kids stuff no mo, as our beloved trio of heroes + red-headed sistah are taking on bigger responsibilities and ripening into sum mighty tasty fruit (whomever had the foresight and fivesight to cast Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson and the A thru Z dorable Bonnie Wright, sea-b-low, should be pat on the back every ten seconds for the rest of their lives). It used to be all about the adults teaching the kids whimsical potions and flizzy flizzum flazzum, and for the audience, it felt a bit like being in school. Now the teachers are receding even mo into the background (although new teach Jim Broadbent and the brief wordless appearance of Finchy from The Office were both a delight) and the real fun is juss beginning with our newly bar and bat mitzvahed teens discovering real human emotions, like totally sweating mens and womens (the flight of fancy with Cho Chang doesn’t count). Hammazin how a few pubes make everything a lot more interesting

Harry Potter’s 6th cinematic adventure feels more like a real movie and less like a, well, Harry Potter movie. If you can’t read between that line, then lemme-us put it into plain Engrish: David Yates‘ second stab (he did a solid enuff job before with Order of the Phoenix) at Rowling’s mega-franchise is TOPs of the Hogwart’s class… which much love and respek of course to Cuarón‘s Azkaban. Tis nice to see the series hitting on all cylinders in his hands, while finally maintaining a bit consistency (wish the Redskins’ managment won’t take note of this) as we head into the deeper and darker corners of the opus (Yates is currently directing the last book into two movies, and that is a sure sign of great things to come). Half-Blood Prince may be upper crust in terms of HP sauce, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a walk-off home run in normal movie stuffdoms…

The first two hours of the flick are slick and paced perfectly, as we build to some explosive ending, but then the curse that’s dogged down the 5 previous entries rears its fugly head. Each book doesn’t exactly have an explosive ending (OK, the one where the wicked hot dude from Twilight bites it was purty sweet). It’s all hactually one long story stretched thin over 7 parts, with new characters and tricks being sprinkled in each time. Sure, there’s a big character shock to the system at the end of this one (who had a fargin clue that Professor McGonagall was secretly banging Hagrid???), which we somehow never had revealed to us even after all this time (we stopped reading after the 3rd book), but it didn’t eggzactly come off as shocking. Maybe that’s cause there’s always unfinished bidness to be carried over to the next installment, and it ends up being the same unfinished bidness after lame unfinished bidness: stop Voldemort. Obviously that won’t be the case in the finale, as we’re sure they’ll stop him (which will hopefully lead to some celebratory champagne showers and BJs & HJs between the wizards), but it’s this ho-hum ending after hum-ho repetitive ending, which also usually involves the reveal of whatever the title means, that keeps this saga from being Star Wars or LOTR 4eva memorable

Spreakin of Voldy, Ralph Fiennes with a melted face isn’t scary, but his 16 year old screen version is straight up bone chillin. In flashbacks, Frank Dillane plays Tom Riddle and he’s as creepy as listening to Radiohead’s ‘Creep’ while watching Creepshow and eating crêpes… with cobwebs!! And if that doesn’t make a lick & lack of sense & cents, then lettuce juss say that he’s as creepy as the boys from The Boys From Brazil. Yet this Potter flick aint about boys, it’s about another bad creation: Boyz II Men

Gin Rummy, Ginny Yummy: she’s more ginger and delicious than ginger ale, she gives Harry something more wooden to hold than his wand, she loves the Orioles and she’s Bonnie Wright in all the right wright ways. not a single TWS Potter review has omitted her name in the name of love, so why she would stop now, especially since she’s finally 18

she’s so classy lookin

but thankfully, not classy lookin in a Freddie Blassie kinda way

puppies

sweater? yes, we sweat her and her sweaterpuppies

YUMbrella

YUMbrella (reprise)

she loathes me, she loathes me not?

she loathes me not!!

Verdictgo: in the realm of Potter, and dat’s all dat matters, tis a Breast In Show

Somers Town
English & Pole Vaulting
Trailers & Mo | Official Website
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We’ve sprayed it before, and we’ll slay it again: any movie written and directed by Shane Meadows is well woolworth yer attention AND is beyond thunderdome, and since he’s so effin money bags mcmulligan and we guarantee such grandiose statements, beyond the astrodome as well. If his name is unfamiliar, you should remove that ‘un’ AwarrenSAPP and start elsewhere (This Is England, Dead Man’s Shoes and Once Upon a Time in the Midlands), but that doesn’t mean for a second that his 71 minuted simple & pleasureful Somers Town isn’t as masterful as what came before. It would help in particular that you at least see This Is England before you hit the Town, so you can track the development of Meadows’ brilliant discovery and little screen persona, the rough and tumble realist actor Thomas ‘Tomo’ Turgoose. In Somers Town, Turgoose plays… Tomo, a runaway who has arrived at the titular London nabe, and strikes up an unlikely bond with a motherless Polish immigrant teen (a wonderfully accented Piotr Jagiello). The two put an end to their summer boredom by working odd jobs, causing much mischief and falling in love with the same waitress (Elisa Lasowski). Not every thing they try works out in the long run, except for the most important one of them all, their friendship, the fastest and bestest ship on land! And here’s a word to the wise: if a modern black & white movie makes it into a theater, it’s probably worth seeing. same rule applies to documentaries, but they’re allowed to be in color

Luck Luck Goose: peep Tomo’s audition at age 13 that started it all. can’t wait to see him keep growings ups & ups

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Potter 6 opens today at a theater near jews, while Somers Town clowns it up in NY only, and maybe soon in yer neck of the woods, and eventually available on Film Movement DVD

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Hurt Locker
Shiz Is The Bomb, Yo!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins… a few years ago, in a vacant Baghdad street, three US Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal specialists (Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty and Guy Pearce) and their faulty robot assistant are attempting to diffuse a bomb waiting to go boom, while local residents, who may or may not be the bomb placers, look on in the distance. Don’t want to ruin anything, but lettuce juss say that one of the soldiers aint gonna be around for the long haul, and it’s the one with the highest star wattage (a quick exit happens to another star later in the movie, which is such a great trick on the audience, ala Janet Leigh’s unexpected early demise in Psycho). Right off the bat the intensity level is cranked up to 11, and besides a few scenes of R&R, the intensity never dips below 10 (you’ll need a cigarette post-screening to calm yerself down, even if you don’t smoke)

So after Guy Pearce is blown to smithereens in the opening scene (oh crap, we did ruin it for ya), a new unruly cowboy bomb squad leader is brought in, and played in a beyond star-making turn by Jeremy Renner (you may have seen him be an asshole before in North Country or Take, or in the stuff listed in ‘Mad Man’ below). His subordinates, Mackey and Geraghty (both eggsalad in their own right), don’t take too kindly to his unconventional gung ho ways, especially since it could also get them all blown to smithereens (but not while listening to The Smithereens’ ‘A Girl Like You’). To them, it’s a tough job that someone’s gotta do, but for Renner, it’s something much more- an addiction that he continuously needs to feed. Hurts so good!!

Director Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break) and writer Mark Boal (penner of the underseen In the Valley of Elah)’s Hurt Locker is without question the definitive Iraq War-related movie of our time. Surely took long enuff, after all the flubs and duds that came before it (, Rendition, Redacted, anything else Re-poopulous). Hell, we’ll even go out on an artificial limb and say that it’s the bestest war movie we’ve seen since Full Metal Jacket (sorry Ryan, yer Shaving Privates production was technically awesome, but it was all a lil too cutesy for our tastes). So if you have the choice this weekend, do yerself a flavor and choose Hurt Locker over that other explosions in the desert clusterfudge

Mad Man: Renner has appeared in several commercials over the years, including ones for Bud Light, Coors Light, 7-11 and Duracell. he also pops up in Pink’s video for ‘Trouble’

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Surveillance
Several Things Wicked This Way Comes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins… darkness, murder, blood splattered everywhere, and a ravaged girl appears out of nowhere looking for help. No, this isn’t Ronette Polaski’s grand entrance that set the disturbing tone for David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, but the opening move of the serial killers that run rampant in his daughter Jennifer Chambers Lynch‘s wickedly delicious (maybe not so) long awaited follow-up to her notorious Boxing Helena. Surveillance is a Rashômonesque whodunit, with several disheveled characters recounting their version of the same grizzly story of what eggzactly happened on a desolate stretch of road earlier in the day (including solid supporting work from lil Ryan Simpkins, Pell James, Mac Miller and “http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0652783/” onclick=”(new Image()).src=’/rg/castlist/position-16/images/b.gif?link=/name/nm0652783/’;” target=”_blank”>Cheri Oteri… yes, the long lost Cheri Oteri). Listening to their tales are FBI agents Julia Ormond and Bill Pullman (that’s more of an odd combination than John Cocktoston’s Scotch-Romanian name or his parents, but hey, it works!). These J Edgar Hoovers aren’t cut from the same clean cut cloth that daddy’s Agent Cooper was, and her sheriff (Michael Ironside) and deputies (mustachioed Kent Harper, also the co-writer, and a superb French Stewart… yeah, remember him?) aren’t eggzactly any town’s finest, unless you count shooting civilians’ tires out so they have an eggcuse to harass them

As is the case with Hurt Locker, Surveillance is a relentless, heart-pounding affair that won’t loosen its grip go until you let it (even if we hactually guessed the resolution early on). It’s possibly a bit more intense than Locker, not necessarily better, and strangely enuff, more thrilling and twisted than her father’s recent output. Maybe he should take a page out of her book, instead of the other way around. Remember, it was Jen who wrote The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, not daddy!

Private Lynching: David Lynch has two other children from two different relationships, sons Riley and Austin Jack, who appeared in Inland ‘Unwatchable’ Empire and as Mrs Tremond’s magic grandson in Twin Peaks

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Chéri
Languishious Liaisons
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins (based on the books by Colette)… with our narrator briefly telling us about some of Europe’s mos notorious courtesans during the Belle Époque era, before turning our attentions solely on the long-winded tale of Lea de Lonval (Michelle Pfeiffer) and her beloved younger titled lover (Rupert Friend). At first, it’s mostly amusing to watch their relationship blossom from a fling into a full-on multiple year affair, but after they’re torn apart by an arranged marriage (to the adorable Felicity Jones) that was set-up by Lea’s old rival and Chéri’s annoying mother (a VERY annoying Kathy Bates), it turns into an eternal waiting fest, as Lea sits around and pouts and pines and pines and pouts, repeat, repeat, replete. Urgh! You know the two are gonna reunite at some point, for butter or wurst, and by the time we get there, 18 hours later, we wish the two had never met and that the narrator had picked one of the other more scandalous whores to chronicle. Don’t know if anyone was clamoring for a Dangerous Liaisons reunion between its director (Stephen Frears), writer (Christopher Hampton) and star (Pfeiffer), but we got one anyway, which doesn’t mean you have to watch it, especially when you can get so much more + Asia Agento NSFW heaven in The Last Mistress

You Got The Silver: Anita Pallenberg has a minor role in the film (and was also recently seen in Harmony Korine’s brilliant Mister Lonely as The Queen), and is best known for having a major role in the lives of the Rolling Stones. She first started off shacking up with Brian Jones, and then left him for Keef, eventually giving birth to three of his kids. Rumor has that she also rizzle razzled with Mick. no word on if she touched Charlie Watts’ sticks or not

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Chéri opens today across the country in limited release, while Hurt Locker and Surveillance (also available on-demand!) hurt it up in NY & LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…