Thighs Wide Shut

The Road
Bleak of An Eye
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The Road is about a nameless man (Viggo Mortensen at his rugged ruggedness bestness) who travels by foot with his nameless son (Kodi Smit-McPhee, who’s no Max Records!) to nowhere. Wells, they do have a vague destination in mind (the ocean!), but really are juss trying to survive by simply living. While society and the earth itself has crumbled to pieces (we don’t get to witness tit tat all, which is completely fine, cause moist of the time shiz is scarier when you don’t know the why or how), the man doesn’t want to give up on humanity or his son, even though everyone else has, including his wife (Charlize Theron, seen in flashbacks, which we believe wasn’t a part of the book). The two meet all kinds of other desperate and unsavory souls on their path to anywhere but here, from cannibals, to thieves and the hopeless (including a barely recognizable Robert Duvall), and one can see that even when all is lost, love can still mean something. Oh boy, man, did that man love his boy! Not in that way you sick forks!!

Yeah kiddies, this a total debbie downer to the creme de^menthe degree! Even when there’s a slight ray of hope, it’s usually preceded or followed by very bad stuffs. Tis like the dirty emptiness of Children of Men with less people, future gadgetry or blow up pig balloons, with an added bit of The Mist‘s twists and burns. To be honest, we have not read Cormac McCarthy’s book, cause we’re ill-litter-rate. And where director John Hillcoat (The Proposition) and writer Joe Penhall‘s take on the material treads, we may never want to learn how to read, let alone go down that ROAD again. We don’t mean that in a bad way twatsoever, but why would we want to endure the there will be blood, sweat and tears in a word form after digesting the horrific beauty that was painted in the cinematic version? Kinda a hard film to recommend, but how could we not when it’s the mos visually spectacular one of the 2009, although it would have been of the 2008 had they released it when theys was originally planning to. Maybe they wanted to show Roland Emmerich how it’s really done. Too bad more will flock to his 2012 than see The Road. Now you tells we, who needs an effin apocalypse to tell us that humanity barely eggists anymo?

Where They’re Going We Need Roads!!!: The Road chomps its own scenery, filming at actual ravaged or worn places like Mount St. Helens, hard hit Hurricane Katrina spots of Louisiana, and, as thighposted before, the Abandoned Pennsylvania Turnpike (we are so going there ones day!)

Verdictgo: Breast In Show. duh, cause dystopia is dope!

The Road knows no bounds today in limited release. seek it out or be eaten by cannibals!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

ps – was kinda odd to see Viggo married to Theron onscreen cause Theron’s real life beau is Stuart Townsend, aka the man picked to play Aragorn in LOTR, but who was replaced 4 days into shooting by… VIGGO!!!

we liked ourselves some Twilight 1 (think much of that had to do with the off the meat rack baseball scene + thinking about Ashley Greene nekkid, and less about all the endless romantic brooding), but not enuff to go see a midnight screening of #2 (+ we also missed out on a pressy screening too), so we turn our space over to someone a lil bit mo appropriate to talk about hot guy’s abs and their raised eyebrows (our only rule was that they add multiple Zs to a word or 7). ladies and ghents, without further a scroop, the former Thighmistress’ review of…

The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I am crazily obsessed with the Twilight series. I can’t get enough. Edward is def my soulmate and though he’s fictional, I still kind of believe he might actually be out there, and that one day he’ll find me and we’ll fall madly in love. The wait for New Moon was excruciating

Twilight, to be honest, wasn’t spectacular. As a fan of the books it’s fantastic to be able to see these characters come to life on screen, but the first movie was just okay. New Moon is a serious improvement. New director, new direction! To begin with, it’s just gorgeous – the town of Forks (aka Vancouver) has never looked so lush and green and there are a bunch of big, sweepy shots and fancy camera work. (Those are technical terms.) The characters simply look better too – Bella was sickly pale and unattractive in the first movie, if you ask me. I had a lot of problems believing my Edward would actually fall for that mess. But in New Moon, I’ll admit (grudgingly) that she’s looking good. The entire Cullen family looks amazing too – better makeup, better contact lenses, better wigs. And even the most dedicated members of Team Edward will appreciate Jacob’s kick ass bod. I mean HOLY. SHIT. That werewolf is ripped. The entire audience literally gasped when he took his shirt off for the first time, we were in awe. Kudos, Taylor

New Moon picks up where Twilight left off, but quickly shatters whatever brief happiness Bella might have found with her sparkly vampire. Edward leaves her and she falls into a deep depression. The only thing that lessens her pain is a budding friendship with Jacob, a studly werewolf. Of course, there is a long standing feud between the two ‘species’. If you can forget for a second that we’re talking about vampires and werewolfs, the story is actually really serious and intense. It’s the beginning of a heartbreaking love triangle. There are philosophical issues about whether vampires have souls, and whether the Cullen family should ‘change’ Bella so she can live forever. And it’s super hot because Edward could easily kill Bella, as could Jacob. They both love her and they’re both dangerous! Excitement!

Taylor Lautner is convincing in the film, he surprised me. R Pattz is barely in it but he’s sex-ay so his acting doesn’t really matter all that much. Kristen Stewart is a spazz, but she does a really great job. She’s in nearly every shot and I didn’t get sick of her. When Edward leaves her at the beginning of the film, it’s heartbreaking to watch. She loves this vampire so damn much. So I was skeptical about there being any chemistry between K Stew and Tay Lautner, but it’s definitely there. For my least favorite book in the series, the movie really impressed me. It made me like Jacob, which is like, total blasphemy. Don’t tell Edward I said that.

Verdictgo: the lady say, DEF Breast In Show. we’ll see it ourselves soon enuff and throw our 9 cents in. stay pooned!

New Moon howls today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Blind Side
A Game of Inches That Cinches!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The rags to riches story of Baltimore Raven rookie tackle Michael Oher is so dang compelling that it’s purty much impossible to make a lousy movie out of it. Howevs.net, it would also be rather dangs easy to make a cheesy wheezy schmaltzy waltzy balltzy sliznantztzty take on his life’s twists and turn that one’s eyes could end up rolling more than an entire season of PBA action. Director John Lee Hancock‘s big screen version of Michael Lewis‘s book about ‘Big Mike’ straddles that line of Disney-fied gag me with a spoonedness, but regardless of how the play is drawn up, it scores a touchdown, hits a home run, slam dunks and slap shots it’s way to some hot goal action!! YEAAAH, GO TEAM!!!! Blind Side is so overly heartwarming that you may experience heartburn by the time you gather your things and leave the theater. Personally, we’re a suckers for these types of little engines that coulds tales (Hoosiers being the Citizen Kane of them alls!), and that was quite evident by the tears that ran down our face the first time we saw the trailer, and the ones that ran intermittently while we watched the actual movie

The mos telling thang is that it was the very first Sandra Bullock movie we ever looked forward to seeing, and her super-solid, although lettuce not get crazy and say Oscar-nom worthy work as Michael’s sassy southern belle surrogate mother (w/pops played by, hey, I can sorta act Tim McGraw, kid bro Jae Head, and sis by future non-US hottie Lily Collins… see below) had us changing our mind and tune about the actress who usually wastes everyone’s times in lame rom-com games with some hunk of the month junk. All of her scenes with gentle giant Quinton Aaron (juss as good here as Oher as whatshername was in Precious, yet we doubt he’ll get anywhere close to the heaps of buzz she’s beens gotzen, which is kinda effin bullshaz if you asks you) are pure gold, and cause their bond is gold they have a gold bond, so pour a bottle of this gold bond all over your nuts and lets that cooling sensation take over!!!! TOUCHDOWN!!!! Also, any movie where Kathy Bates isn’t too annoying and overbearing is a sure sign of goody-gum-dropedness (same rule applies to Kevin Spacey)

Oh, and yeah, hey, Warner Bros, don’t think we didn’t catch you slipping in that free self-advertisement for Where The Wild Things Are! TEN YARDS FOR ENCROACHMENT!!! But that penalty is offset cause you all gave us some truly inspirational sportsmanlike conduct!!!!

Wants To Be In Too Deep: dooode, Phil Collins can blow us, and you know what, so can her daughter Lily, who has thicker eyebrows than the male cast of Gossip Girl and Jordana Brewster combined! FIRST DOWNSZ!!!!

Verdictgo: easy sheezy, but still Breast In Showzy

Blind opens eyes wide today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Los Abrazos Rotos
(Broken Embraces)
Embrace THIS!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Do we really even need to bother reviewing Pedro Almodóvar‘s latest flick? If yer fan of his, yous knows you gonna see it anywayz, and if you aren’t a fan, then you got mo problems than Mo Vaughn trying to mow down the competition, but who keeps getting distracted by Mo-rganna, the Kissing Bandit. Seriously, if the name Almodóvar doesn’t ring a bell, then we’re gonna ring your bells, with bells on!!!!!!!! Look, we don’t mean to be so harsh about all this, but cinema lovers everywhere should count their lucky stars and lucky charms that we gotz a guy like Almodóvar doing his thing during our lifetime, and we juss wanna make the point that you should make a point about seeing his forkin films, OR ELSE. In the decades to come, his complete oeuvre could possibly do the impossibly, and be considered comparable to the incomparable Alfred Hitchcock (eat it DePalma)!!!

Now that that that that’s outta the way, tis time to get down to the nitty gritty band and let you know how Los Abrazos Rotos (Broken Embraces) stacks up like Robert Stack finding a needle in a haystack. Quite well hactually, but lettuce not be all loco and say sumtang silly like it’s A’modó at his absolute best. It’s more like A’modó at his absolute purty effin darn franztastic usual delighftulnessness and nine-tenths. And when compared to what else is currently making the rounds, it’s not very hard to admit that it’s one of the better films we’ve seen this fall, and one of the bestest foreign films of the year (out of the like 4 we’ve seen, with Il Divo being the illest of em all!)

So what about these embraces are be so brokens? Penélope Cruz (back at home in her native tongue and in the hands of her master and commander, Almodóvar, having dueted previously on Volver, All About Mi Madre & Live Flesh) gotz mens problems and them mens have problems with each other cause they both want in her pants. That’s what happens when you’re muy muy bonita and even gay men love you even though you sorta look like Big Bird. One of dem mens is a film director (Lluís Homar), who wants to turn her into a star, and the other is her sugar daddy, turned that director’s film producer (José Luis Gómez), who wants to lock away his prized possession like she was a rare piece of art, esp since she’s a rare piece of a$$. It’s a battle of the bulges, and things will get ugly before they gets pretty! Oh love, how you convolute things so! But that’s not it!! Throw in a doting assistant to the director (Blanca Portillo, also seen in Volver), her helpful son (Tamar Novas), some spying, some blindness, some blind sex, a queer annoying brat (Rubén Ochandiano), Magritte hat tips (see below), hat tips to Almodóvar’s own films, seascapes, seas sounds, seashells, oh what the sea-hell more do you need to know? They says if it aint broken, don’t fix it, but wees says if it is Broken, goes seees it!!!

Holy Sheets!!!!:

any questions?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Rotos opens in NY this Friday, LA on 12/11 and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fantastic Mr Fox
It’s Dahl Good
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Post-Royal Tenenbaums, Wes Anderson kept trying to make something different, but basically kept making baum clones, one on the high seas and the other in India. It pained us to do so, but after the limited Darjeeling Limited we had purty much given up on the cutesy world of WA. Enuff was certainly enuff (esp the overuse of Owen Wilson), but with his adaptation and interpretation of Roald Dahl‘s Fantastic Mr Fox, enuff has become A-OK again, at least for the time being. Fox is culled from the same Andersonian bag of tricks and thrift store DIY, yet since it was presented in a whole new fashion, stop-motion animation (which we usually cannot stand), what was once olde suddenly feels purty darn new again. Not only has the fun returned, but the radness as well. Instant karma and kudos to you Mr Anderson

Fox is slain and pimple, a pure delight, for young and especially old. It’s briskly paced, as not a single moment of action or dialog is wasted, and before you know it, not much has even transgressed, cept a giant smile that has been perma-fried to your face (we dare you to walk out of the theater w/o one). The voice work if obviously fine (George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray, Wallace Wolodarsky, Eric Chase Anderson… Wes’ bro, Michael Gambon, Willem Dafoe, Owen Wilson… duh, and Jarvis Cocker!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but the real attraction here is the world Anderson has created for these furry lil creatures to steal chickens, rile humans and dig deep holes in. His over-does-it-on-the-details manner hits high marks here, so the only question is, where does he go from here? Hopefully not Royal Tenenbaums IV: Tenenbaums In Space with Owen Wilson as the kooky commander!

Contemporary cool-kid Spike Jonze’ own childhood flight of fancy, Where The Wild Things Are, was equally as wondrous, but too much of a mind-melt for repeat viewings and future enjoyment. Same is spankfully not true of Fox, which will forever and 5ever have a place on everyone’s shelf, right next to Disney’s Robin Hood, which, if you didn’t know, is the single greatetssttetsststststststst kids flick of BALLLLLLSSSS THYME!!!! It is, juss ask us, who have 387372382 degrees in what is amazingzzzz and whatsszz is not

Foxy Lady: never 5get the fantastic Ms Fox, as in Samantha, cause she always wanted to have some fun and we always wanted to touch her body

if the interwebs were around when she was hitting it big, she woulda hit it even bigger cause everyone woulda been hitting theirs shafts with them NSFW pics abound!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Fox is currently holing it up in NY & LA only, but will soon hit up a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…