Thighs Wide Shut

LL, bursting with natural talent

1. Van Helsing – $54.2 million (New) – Me and the Kid Kadoji caught a sneak preview a couple of weeks back and had only two words to describe it: Van Helsucks. Don’t trust me? Trust the kid and his review (don’t click if you’re epilictic)

2. Mean Girls– $14 million ($42.4 million) – The one week I skip my Box Office Bidness duties and my queen of cream, LL, rules them all. I knew she had the stuff of superstardom and this just proves it. See you later Duff, Bynes, Olsen Twits, and all you other 8th-rate Tweens, this is LL’s kingdom and I am her king. Before I keep rambling on and on about how amazingly umcredible she is and looks, I’ll stop and save those comments for the long-awaited full review. Coming soon, I pinky swear.

3. Man On Fire – $7.9 million ($56 million) – Take this MythBusters: that rumor about Christopher Walken’s first ever kissing scene in Sleepy Hollow is more bunk than a bunk bed. He already landed some smooches in both The Deer Hunter and The Dead Zone.

Stay in the dumpster where you two belong!

4. New York Minute – $6.2 million (New) – Sure, the Olsen twits can peddle zillions of straight-to-video videos to the masses, but I guess they can’t bring those home viewers into the theaters. This movie bombing is a good thing peoples. This will ensure that there won’t ever be a big-screen version of Full House… much to the dismay of Dave Coulier, Candace Cameron, and Jodie Sweetin. Go back to VHS land scary-ass evil twins, the movies are Lohan’s stomping grounds.

5. 13 Going 30 – $5.5 million ($42.6 million) – Skip this poop-a-thon and rent director Gary Winick’s mo better coming of age movie, Tadpole.

I think I may have a thing for redheads… and boobs

6. Laws of Attraction – $3.5 million ($11.9 million) – I hate romantic comedies. I loathe romantic comedies. I love Julianne Moore. I detest romantic comedies. And how are we to trust a director who unleashed both Johnny English and AntiTrust onto the world? Did he honestly think that trapping Ryan Phillippppeppeppepe in Duplo blocks was something ingenious?

7. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $3 million ($57.8 million) – Of course this movie rocks, Lucy Liu’s character was dead.

8. Godsend $2.7 million ($11.3 million) – Child dies and is reborn by techmology. Shit goes wrong. Sounds a lot like A.I., sans Jude Law hottie robot.

9. Envy – $2.6 million ($10.1 million) – This movie was pushed back so many times that it gave Twinkie’s shelf-life record a run for its money.

10. The Punisher – $1.2 million ($32.1 million) – Thomas James and Patricia Arquette’s daughter is named Harlow Olivia Calliope. Good thing my parents weren’t famous, although my original middle name was Ira. Eeeeeeesh!

This is how I feel after watching a Steven Nerderbergh movie.

In other poop related messes, there’s a website out there dedicated to the Toilets of the World. It covers everything from biblical dump holes (no, not Veterans Stadium) to the in out-houses of tomorrow.

And the winner of the 1st Annual “Why Didn’t I Come Up With That Name First” Award goes to the punk rock group Endangered Feces! Congrats boys. You’ll now have 2 more hits on your website than before!!

Mayor of The Sunset Strip

There once was a movie called Who’s Harry Crumb? By the end of that movie, I realized that he wasn’t a guy worth knowing. But what if you were asked who’s Rodney Bingenheimer? You probably wouldn’t know him from Adam Corolla, but bee leave a me you, after watching this documentary about his life, he is a guy worth knowing. So, who eggzactly is Rodney Bingernehiemamemrewmerier? Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well, he’s one of the most influential groupies and radio DJs of the past 40 years. He’s a walking A to Zed of rock music (circa 1960 to the present). He helped to push Glam Rock (Bowie/T-Rex), Punk Rock (Clash/Sex Pistols) Alt Rock (Nirvana/Sonic Youth), and Brit Rock (Oasis/Blur) into the limelight. He was Davy Jones’ stand-in on TV’s The Monkees, Sonny & Cher’s unofficial child, and dear friend to both Kato Kaelin AND Corey Feldman! Sounds like the life, right? Although Rodney is everyone’s pal in a world of who’s who and bling-bling, he’s just a lost soul swimming in a fish bowl… year after year. Anywho, this doc is a bit depressing, but an inspiring kaleidoscopic trip down music’s memory lane. A fantabulous piece of work. I’ll give it 4 (out of 5) pieces of matzah.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Besides money, why remake a movie if you’re not going to improve upon it? Uh, money? Gus Van Sant’s tried to make an “artistic” shot-by-shot remake of Psycho, but he failed worse than me at Spanish. Gus, you ARE not the dog, now man! Enuff about Gus, and more about the new Leatherface. How could a horror movie not be horrific? I mean Dave & Chainsaw’s classroom hijinks were far scarier in Carl Reiner’s Summer School. They should have just thrown away the “script” and had Jessica Biel run in fields with her boobs bouncing this way and that. This movie blows and only deserves 1 and 1/2 golden calves. Moses would need those 15 commandments to throw at these 1 and 1/2 calves.

The Misfits

On the last day of filming this movie, Clark Gable famously said “Christ, I’m glad this picture’s finished. She[Marilyn Monroe] damn near gave me a heart attack.” The next day, Gable suffered a massive heart attack and would die 11 days later. This would also turn out to be Ms. Monroe’s final completed film. Did I also mention that Eli “Tuco” Wallach and Montgomery Clift co-starred and it was directed by virtuoso John Huston? Sounds like Mt. Olympus of moviemaking, eh? It aint the greatest story ever told, but mos def worth a look based on all the above plus the breathtaking cinematography of the dying wild west (+++ a great close-up of Marilyn’s tight tush while riding a horse). It was a lil hard to take Gable’s character seriously since his name was Gay Langland and everyone kept calling him “Gay.” Just cause he has a peculiar mustache, doesn’t mean he’s a Village Person. That a side, 3 and 1/4 mustachios.

Did I use the word “this” too much?

Â	With bigger bazooms, the mermaid can become as famous as Britney Spearz or Jennifer Love Twotits.

As reported earlier this week in Qwik Bitz, the city of Utska Poland is toying with the idea of enlarging the breasts of the town’s mermaid statue. After looking at the picture on the right, I can understand why.

This story has no relation to the phallus palace that adorns the cover art of Disney’s The Little Mermaid.